Chapter Nine

Josie

Drew stops moving.

He can’t have heard me, can he?

I whispered my love for him, so very quietly… how can he have heard?

I hope to God he didn’t, because I’ve just stupidly said I’ve always loved him, and even if that’s true, it’s bound to raise questions I can’t answer.

It’s bound to complicate things.

I meant to wait until he got his memory back. That’s why I didn’t respond when he said he loved me… even though I wanted to. Those were the words I’ve waited to hear for so long, and I was desperate to tell him I feel exactly the same way. Except it felt wrong to say it when he doesn’t know who he is… or who I am, or that we have a history of sorts.

Why am I worrying about that, though?

I didn’t intend making love with him either… and yet, we just have.

And it felt so good.

Too good not to want to do it again… and again… and again.

Except he’s stopped.

I flex my hips up into his, but he pulls back… not all the way out of me, but enough to let me know he’s in control of what happens next, and I open my eyes, gazing up into his puzzled face.

“You just said you love me.”

Damn. He heard.

“Yes.” I can’t lie to him now… not about this. I’m lying about everything else, but in this I have to be honest.

He lowers himself down so his body is resting against mine. Not his entire weight, just his body. I can feel his skin against mine, thigh to thigh, hip to hip, breast to chest. He brushes a hair from my cheek, tucking it behind my ear.

“Tell me you meant it,” he says. “Tell me it wasn’t just a heat of the moment thing.”

I still can’t lie. “I meant it.”

He blinks, his eyes sparkling, as he sucks in a stuttered breath. “Y—You love me?”

“Yes.”

“You just said you’ve always loved me… but we’ve only known each other for a few days, so how can that be?”

What am I supposed to say now? I can’t tell him we’ve known each other for a lot longer…

“It just feels like I’ve always loved you,” I say, hoping that sounds real. It’s certainly true.

He smiles. “I know what you mean… but then my memories begin and end with you.”

I wish he hadn’t said that. It’s a lovely, romantic thing to have said, but it’s a reminder of everything I’m keeping from him… all the secrets, and all the lies.

Except, when it comes down to it, I love him and he loves me, and that’s the only truth that matters.

He dips his head, his tongue sweeping into my mouth, his lips crushed to mine as he starts to move again. I match his rhythm, raising my hips to his, loving not only him, but the way he feels, the way he loves me. He’s gentle, but assertive, taking me just as I hoped he would… showing me how good this can be.

He breaks the kiss, breathless, his eyes on fire, as he kneels up, lifting my right leg onto his shoulder and twisting me at my waist, so my hips are at an angle, but my shoulders are still flat on the mattress. Changing position, he straddles my left leg, going even deeper inside me, my breath catching in my throat as he pumps into me, harder and harder, until a sheen of sweat forms on his chest. With one arm clamped around my thigh, he moves the other hand down, his thumb circling over my clitoris.

“More, Drew. Give me more.”

He rubs harder, taking me deeper, controlling my body… my destiny.

“You want more?”

“I want everything.” I’m not altogether sure I know what ‘everything’ is, but I know I want it all with him.

“I’ll give you everything,” he whispers. “Everything I have.”

He increases the pace, both of us breathing hard, oblivious to everything except our bodies pitching, plunging, hurtling to their journey’s end.

I reach the precipice with no warning this time… no quivering, no tingling… just falling unbounded, tumbling down through mists and stars, wrapped in a bliss of whispered love as Drew’s body stiffens. I open my eyes long enough to see the rapture on his face, to watch his lips move as he echoes back his love for me, to see his muscles tense as he pushes deep inside me. Then I feel it… the moment of his release. It’s like absolution, washing over me… like all my lies are forgiven.

If only that could be true.

I cling to him, unwilling to let go, and he lowers my leg and turns us onto our sides, facing each other, still connected.

“You okay?” he asks, his voice hoarse, filled with emotion.

“Yes. You?”

“Better than I ever thought I’d be.” He smiles, brushing his fingertips down my cheek, his eyes wandering over my face, like the stranger he thinks I am. “God, I love you.”

“I love you.”

He wraps his leg around me, pulling me closer. He’s still hard inside me, but neither of us is in a hurry to do anything about that. For myself, I’m bone tired, happy to lie here enfolded in his arms. Drew seems contented too, just looking at me. I don’t feel embarrassed by his gaze. It feels as though I’m the center of his world… and I love that.

He hasn’t said anything about contraception. He didn’t ask if he needed to use it, and he hasn’t acknowledged the fact that he didn’t. Obviously, it doesn’t matter, but he doesn’t know that… and I wonder if I should bring it up myself, to put his mind at rest.

Except he’s clearly not worried.

And I’m not sure how I’d go about explaining. I’m hiding so much from him already, but this deceit feels like the worst of all. Unlike my other lies, this isn’t about him; it’s about me. And it isn’t about the past, either. It’s about the future. A future he might want to have one day… but which I can never give him.

“What’s wrong?” He breaks into my thoughts.

“Nothing. How could anything be wrong when I’m lying here like this?” He smiles. “What made you ask?”

“The sadness in your eyes.”

I hadn’t realized I looked sad, and I smile up at him, kissing him back when his lips touch mine and doing my best to reconcile the lies and the regrets.

I can’t regret this, though. I could never regret this.

I just wish it didn’t have to be so shrouded in pretense.

He pulls back and I gaze into his eyes, willing him to remember… not just me, but all of it. Drew regaining his memory will almost certainly complicate things even more, and take us down an unpredictable path. He’s bound to be upset about the secrets I’ve kept. But, if we’re going to be together, then his past coming back to our present, and forming a future for us both, is the only hope we’ve got.

I wake with a start, and although I’m still in a haze of sleep, I’m aware of being alone… no longer swathed in Drew. A shiver of fear runs through me and I lean up on my elbows, his name on my lips, as I see him, sitting on the mattress, leaning against the end of the bed. He’s unashamedly naked, utterly perfect, his legs bent up, his arms resting on his knees as he gazes at me.

“What are you doing there?”

“Watching you.”

I crawl over and he parts his legs, making space for me to nestle between them as he brings his arms around me. “You didn’t want to lie here and hold me, then?”

“Yes. And I did, for a while.” I look up at him and he smiles, leaning down to kiss me. “You’re very cute when you’re asleep. Did you know that?”

“No.”

“Well, you are,” he says.

“Then why did you get up?”

“Because there was something I wanted to do.”

“Oh?”

He lowers one arm, reaching down beside him, and then brings it back up again, holding his camera.

“I went downstairs to get this.”

“Your camera?” He nods and I sit up slightly. “Have you been taking photographs of me?”

“Yes.” He keeps a firm hold of me as I try to pull away. “Before you get upset, or insulted… please don’t. They’re not explicit.”

“Really? I’ve got no clothes on, Drew.”

“I noticed.” He pulls me back into his arms, turning the camera around and showing me the screen. “I’d never do anything that made you uncomfortable… but please, will you look? And will you trust me?”

I can’t say ‘no’ to that, and I settle against him as he flicks through the images. The first is of my eyes, shut and fast asleep, so close I could count the lashes. The second of my lips, pink and swollen from his kisses. He moves on, showing me my fingers, flat against the surface of the pillow, and the nape of my neck. In all the photographs, the sunlight shimmers off of my skin, even in the one he’s taken of my foot, hanging over the edge of the bed.

“What’s this?” I ask, gazing at the screen. The top corner of the frame is filled with white sheet, and the rest is taken up with skin. I can see a dip and a curve, but I can’t make out what I’m looking at.

He pushes me forward gently, putting down the camera, and rubs his hands down my back in a slow, sensual movement.

“It’s this bit… right here.” He lets them come to rest, just above my ass.

“Oh.”

“Are you okay with that?”

“I guess.”

He pulls me back against his chest again, his left arm coming tight around me as he picks up the camera again, showing me the next photograph.

“And this?” I ask, seeing yet another shot that’s just filled with me… or with my flesh, even though I’m once again, unsure which part of me this is.

“That’s right… here.” He puts the camera down, and lowers his right hand, skimming down my side until he reaches the very top of my thigh, running his fingertips from the outside in. “This part that leads from your hip inward.”

“That’s quite intimate.”

“I know. It’s as close as I was willing to go without you being aware of what I was doing.”

I twist my head, looking up at him. “You won’t show them to anyone else, will you?”

“Of course not. I took them for me, Josie.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re so beautiful.”

“But why do you need a photograph? I’m not going anywhere.”

He smiles. “That’s good to know,” he says. “But I took them because I didn’t want to lose this moment among all my other forgotten memories. It’s too precious. You’re too precious. I wanted to be able to lock this time away forever.”

“That’s so lovely.”

“I probably should have asked your permission first, but I didn’t want to wake you… and I didn’t want you to feel self-conscious about having your photograph taken. It wouldn’t have been the same.”

“You must have had to wait for me to turn over… to get in the right positions.”

“I did. But watching you sleep could never be dull, baby.” I smile and he smiles back. “Besides, seeing you through a viewfinder has kinda sparked something.”

I sit up, turning to face him. “A memory?”

He shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t know. I’m fairly sure I’ve taken photographs before, though.”

“Like this? Photographs of naked women?”

I’m pretty sure he hasn’t, but I’m interested to see what he says. “Not naked, no… but women, yes. There was something about the sun on your skin that was familiar. It wasn’t anything specific, it was just a flash of something. And I have to say, I’m feeling more and more at home with a camera in my hand, so although I still can’t be sure whether I was a professional, or not, I think photography played a big part in my life.” I open my mouth to tell him he’s right, but he clamps his fingers over my lips. “It’s okay. I know you’re not allowed to tell me… and I don’t mind. I can wait for the memory to come back in a more lucid form.”

I pull his hand away. “You don’t want me to answer any questions?”

“Just one.” He twists me around again, so I’m sitting with my back to his front, and brings his arms around me, lowering his hands.

“What’s that?”

“How would you like me to make you come?”

He parts my legs as far as his will allow and as his fingers touch against my clitoris, I wriggle back into him. “Any way you like.”

“You’re not sore?”

I shake my head. “No… please, Drew.” I sound desperate, but that’s because I am.

He lets out a low growl, dropping his legs to the bed and moving them under me so they’re inside mine. Then he pulls me up onto his lap, so I can feel his arousal pressing into me from behind, before he parts his legs again, taking mine with them. I’m spread wide open, but it seems he likes me that way and without a second’s hesitation, he finds my swollen nub, rubbing it hard with the tips of his fingers.

He brings his left hand up, cupping my breast, then gently squeezes and pinches my hardened nipple, making me squeal and squirm against him. His fingers circle and delve, curling me into a mass of stretched nerve endings, desperate for release.

“Please, Drew…”

“Please what?”

“Make me come. I need to come.”

He pushes two fingers inside me, leaving his thumb to do the work on my clitoris and suddenly it’s like the sun has exploded behind my eyes. My body contorts, bucking against something new… something different. It’s too strong for me. I’m not falling this time, I’m fighting.

“Go with it, baby,” Drew whispers in my ear, holding on to me and I give up the struggle, letting it take me. This is more intense than anything that’s gone before, the pleasure bordering on pain as it drives through me, leaving me spent.

Drew cradles me for ages while I calm, catching my breath, my body still twitching as the shocks continue to rock through me.

“Oh, God…” I whisper, settling back onto him. “That was so good.”

“It was.”

I twist, looking up at him. “Can I have more?”

He smiles. “You want to come again?”

“I want you inside me.”

“Then take me,” he says.

“How?”

His smile widens. “Just sit up a little.” I do as he says, and he pulls me back slightly, and lowers me right onto his erection.

I let out a gasp as he impales me, stretching me again, and then I settle on to him, so he’s as deep as he can go, before he pulls me back into his arms.

“Better?” he says and I nod my head.

“Much better.”

Holding me close, he raises his legs a little, steadies his feet, and starts to move beneath me. He can’t pull out very far, but he goes so deep, I don’t care… the movement is enough, and when he lets his fingers play gently over my clitoris again, it sends me over the edge. This time, there’s less tension in my body, and I let it fall through realm after realm while he hammers into me, only slowing when I start to calm.

“Y—You didn’t come,” I stutter, getting my breath back.

“No. I don’t need to… not every time. Just watching you is enough.” He grasps my chin, turning my head and tipping it back so he can kiss me. “Just loving you is enough.”

I sink into him, losing myself in his kisses, ignoring the nagging doubt at the back of my mind… the one that says he might not feel that way when he finds out the truth.

***