Chapter Eight

Josie

There are so many reasons I shouldn’t let this happen, but none of them seem to matter now his lips are on mine. I can’t help my slight squeal of surprise, or the moan that echoes through my body as his tongue delves into my mouth, searching and inquisitive. He’s more demanding than I’d expected, but I like that. I like his self-assurance. It suits my uncertainties, cancelling them out. At least, that’s how it feels. He murmurs my name, without breaking the kiss, and then I feel his arm come around behind me, encircling my waist and pulling me closer to him, our bodies pressed together. He doesn’t move his hips, but I can feel his erection… long and hard, and oh, so tempting. I remember how it looked and I sigh at the thought that this is what I do to him… that he wants me, maybe even needs me enough to respond like this. I let my fingers dust up his arms, bringing my hands to rest on his biceps. They flex and I hang on, my body trembling as he deepens the kiss still further. I want him so much, even though there’s a small voice in the back of my head, telling me, over and over, that this is a truly bad idea. But how can that be so?

Because he doesn’t know who he is yet… let alone who you are.

I know. But despite my reaction at the pool yesterday, and despite the awkward atmosphere that’s shrouded us ever since, I’ve thought of nothing but this moment for so long. That has to make it right, doesn’t it?

No .

I have to resist. It’s for his benefit, even more than mine, and I swore to put his needs first. I promised…

I pull back, looking up at him.

“W—We can’t do this,” I say.

He frowns down at me, breathing hard. “Why not?”

I need an answer… quickly. “You’re my patient, Drew.”

“And? Does that mean I can’t want you? Does that mean you can’t want me back? Because it’s no good pretending you don’t anymore. Your kiss gave you away, and so did your body. I felt your need. You want this just as much as I do.”

“Maybe I do.” I can’t deny it. There wouldn’t be any point. “But it’s only been a few days since your accident. You need time to recover.”

He smiles, his eyes twinkling with mischief. “You’ll just have to be gentle with me.”

That’s exactly what I might have said to him, in different circumstances, but it’s the last thing I need to hear right now. It just reinforces the other reason this can’t happen… why I can’t let it happen.

Tears well in my eyes, and I step away, shaking my head.

“What’s wrong, Josie?” he asks, his voice filled with concern.

“Nothing. It’s just that it’s not as simple as you think.”

The first tear hits my cheek and as he reaches out to me, I break away, turning and running for the cottage.

It only takes a few minutes to get back, but as I close the door behind me, I’m out of breath… and out of ideas. He saw right through me, which I guess is no surprise. I’ve struggled to hide my feelings for days now. If he got close enough, he was always going to see me for who I am. And why shouldn’t he? Why can’t we be happy, just because of bad timing and a past he can’t remember?

I suck in a breath, stepping further into the room and resting my hands on my hips.

If only it was that easy.

Even if I could ignore the past – which I’m sorely tempted to do – there’s still the other problem…

The door bursts open, and I jump, turning to see Drew standing on the threshold. My lips tingle, recalling his kiss, and my stomach lurches, knowing I want more.

He comes inside, closing the door again and puts the camera on the cabinet, walking over and standing right in front of me, although he doesn’t get too close, leaving a gap of nearly a foot between us.

“I’m sorry, Josie,” he says.

There’s an intensity in his gaze that’s unnerving.

“What for?” I hope to God he’s not apologizing for that kiss. That would be so humiliating.

“I’m sorry I upset you, and please don’t say I didn’t,” he says, and he reaches out, brushing the tear away from my cheek… the evidence that makes denying his statement utterly pointless. “If I hurt you, I didn’t mean to, and if I said the wrong thing again…”

“It’s not your fault.” I can’t bear it that he keeps blaming himself.

He moves a little closer. “Maybe it is, and maybe it isn’t, but I get the feeling your life would be an awful lot easier if I didn’t want you so much. I mean… I have no idea how I’d go about achieving it, but would you be happier if I could somehow stop myself from needing you every minute of the day?”

I can’t answer him. How can I, when I love being wanted by him? How can I, when I’m so in love with him? I just wish I knew how we could make this work. I wish I knew what to say to him.

“Answer me, Josie.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“You said that already. What you haven’t told me is why? Talk to me. Tell me why this has to be so complicated, when the simple fact is that I want you and you want me. Because you do want me, don’t you?”

“Yes.” There. I’ve said it.

He sighs and steps closer, his body pressed against mine again. Somehow, this is even more erotic, because his hands are by his sides. He’s holding me in place with my own will, and the fiery look in his eyes.

“Then why did you say we can’t do this?” he says. “Why did you run? What’s the problem?”

“I’m the problem.”

He frowns. The look is lost… and so am I. I turn and run for the stairs, bolting up them and into my room, slamming the door behind me. I’ve got nowhere else to go now, but how could I stay down there with him, when just the intensity of his gaze is enough for me to give myself away?

“Josie?” I clamp my hand over my mouth to stop myself from crying out. He knocks. “Josie… you’ve gotta stop running away from me. I’m not fit enough to keep up with you yet.”

He sounds breathless and I rush over, pulling the door open. He’s leaning against the doorframe, and stares down at me. “Are you okay, Drew? Your head’s not hurting?”

“No. Not in the way you mean. I’m just bewildered by what’s going on here, and I could use some answers. That’s all.” He tilts his head to the left. “Why do you think you’re the problem?”

“Because I am.”

“But why? I can see that me being your patient could be difficult. Not that I care. But you? You’re not the problem?”

“Yes, I am. Regardless of what you say or think.”

“Explain it to me, Josie.”

I shake my head and push the door closed… except I can’t. There’s something stopping me, and I open it again to find Drew’s hand pressed against the wooden surface.

“I know you think I’m weak, Josie, but I’m not that weak.”

“I never said you were. I said you were recovering.”

He glares down at me. “Either way, don’t shut your door on me.”

I swallow hard, biting on my bottom lip. His eyes fix on it, darkening, as he reaches out and frees it with his thumb.

“Y—You don’t play fair, Drew.”

“I don’t think I ever did.”

“Is that a memory?” Please say it is. Please say it’s all coming back to you and I’ll be saved from having to lie anymore .

“I don’t give a fuck what it is. I need to know why you think you’re the problem here, Josie. Because as far as I’m concerned, you’re the solution to every goddamn problem I’ve ever had, and the answer to every single question I’ve ever asked.”

Did he really just say that? “I—I am?”

“Yes. You’re the only ray of light in my life right now, and you just admitted you want me, so why are you denying us something that I think we both know could be magical? You know how much I want you… so what is it? Don’t you trust me?”

“Of course I do.”

“Then what’s stopping you? You think I’m not serious about this? You think I’m gonna make love to you and leave you, or something? Because I’ve gotta tell you, even if I felt inclined to leave you – which I don’t – I’ve got nowhere to go.”

“I know… and that’s not it.”

“Okay. So, if you trust me, and you don’t think I’m gonna leave you, and you want this as much as I do, why are you holding back?” I can’t answer him. I might have excellent reasons for saying ‘no’, but I want him just as much as he wants me, so how can I deny us this? “You’ve gone silent on me again,” he says, pulling me so tight against his body I can hardly breathe.

“Yes, because I don’t understand.”

“What’s not to understand? I need to be inside you, Josie.” I gasp, my body tingling, trembling at the thought. He must be able to feel my reaction, his eyes widening as he sucks in a breath. “I need to hear you scream my name when I make you come. I need to make you mine.”

I can’t move, or think, or speak. “I…I…”

“Don’t tell me it’s not that simple. This is about as simple as it gets.”

“I wasn’t going to say that.” Although I’d love to be able to explain how utterly complicated it is in reality.

“Okay. What were you going to say then?”

I don’t know . How can I tell him the truth? How can I explain that this is all a lie, that I’ve loved him for longer than he thinks he’s known me? I can’t tell him anything about the past at all. But I guess I have to tell him something, even though I’d hoped it wouldn’t be like this.

“You talk about all of this, like… like it’s the easiest thing in the world.”

“Yeah,” he says, shrugging his shoulders. “Because it is.”

“Not for me.”

“Why not?” he asks.

“Because I don’t know how.”

“You don’t know how to what?”

“How to do what you’ve just said.”

The air around us stills, although it’s charged with tension… sexual tension, sparking off of his eyes, straight into mine. “You don’t know how to do what I’ve just said?” He sounds confused. He looks it, too.

“No.”

I see the moment the penny drops, his face clearing, his eyes lightening. “Are you telling me you’ve never had sex?” I lower my head, unable to answer him, but he places his finger beneath my chin, applying a little upward pressure, until I’m forced to look at him, our eyes locked. “Josie? Is that what you’re saying?”

“Not exactly.”

“Then what are you saying?” he says, frowning again.

I pause, looking up into his eyes, hoping I don’t regret telling him this. “I’ve never done anything.”

“Never done…?”

“Anything.”

His frown deepens. “You’ve been kissed, though. Right?”

“Yes,” I say and he sighs, like he’s relieved. “By you… just now.”

“You mean that was your first kiss?”

“It was the first one that meant anything. The first proper kiss.”

“And you’ve never…?”

“I’ve never been touched, never touched a man, never been naked in front of a man.”

He nods his head and puts his hands on my waist, pulling me close to him. “Why does that mean you can’t now? With me?”

“For the very reason I just said. I don’t know how.”

***

Drew

I stare at her, struggling to understand how she’s never had sex when she looks like she does. It doesn’t make sense… but I can tell she’s not lying. This isn’t an excuse. It’s for real, and she’s embarrassed about it… and that means I need to do something. I’m done chasing around. Now I know what she tastes like, and have felt her lips on mine, I need more.

I need all of her.

“Does that matter?” I ask.

Her brow furrows. “Of course it does.”

“Why? I mean… is there any reason I can’t show you how it’s done?”

“Do you remember how?”

I smile, moving my feet either side of hers, so she can feel my arousal pressing hard against her. “I don’t need to remember. Like I said, it’s a bone-deep instinct with you. And, in any case, I’m not sure memories would serve me very well right now. This feels like a fresh start… like nothing else matters except us.” She blinks, gazing up into my face, and I bring my hands up from her waist, cupping her cheeks, her soft skin beneath my fingers, my lips poised above hers. “How can this be?” I ask, my voice drifting in a soft whisper between us.

“What?”

“How is it you’ve never had sex? I mean… you’re perfect.”

“I’m not, Drew,” she says, shaking her head. “I’m very far from perfect.”

“I beg to differ… and I still don’t understand. Have I got something wrong here? Are you a lot younger than I think you are?”

“That depends how old you think I am.”

“This hardly seems fair when I don’t even know how old I am, but I’m gonna guess at twenty-four?”

“I’m twenty-five,” she says.

“Okay… but you’re not seventeen, and unless I’m mistaken, you haven’t been living under a rock for the last few years, so…”

“It’s a long story.”

“Oh. In that case, can you tell me some other time?”

Her eyes widen slightly, her lips twitching upward at the corners. “Really? You don’t want to hear it now?” she says. “You’re usually so hungry for information.”

“I know, but today I’m hungry for you.”

I bend my head, swallowing her gasp with my kiss. The moment my tongue meets hers, it’s like she forgets her inhibitions, and rather than touching my arms, she brings her hands up and lets them rest on my chest. The sensation is like tiny fireworks setting off all over my body, every nerve ending sparking beneath the surface of my skin. I lower my right arm, putting it around her and pulling her close, my hand just above her ass as I flex my hips, making sure she can feel my aching cock. I need her to know how real this is. She moans into my mouth, soft and throaty, and I deepen the kiss, moving my right hand down slightly over the swell of her ass, kneading her firm flesh. That husky moan gets louder, and she stands up on tiptoes, bringing her hands between us, up onto my shoulders, clinging to me… again.

I suck on her bottom lip, feeling the stutter of her breath, the heave of her breasts, and I pull back, looking down into her glistening eyes. Her lips are swollen, her cheeks flushed, and she’s breathing hard.

“Wh—What do we do now?” she says, gazing up at me.

“We don’t have to do anything.”

She frowns, leaning back. “We don’t? I thought you wanted me. I—I liked your need… hearing it… feeling it.”

I smile down at her, flexing my hips again. “You want more?”

“Yes,” she says.

“Tell me what you want.”

“You.”

I shake my head. “Give me more than that, baby.”

Her eyes widen. “You called me baby.”

“I know. Do you like it?”

“Yes,” she says. “Yes, I do.”

“Okay… now tell me what you want.”

“I want to be yours.”

I brush my lips over hers. “Would you be surprised if I told you, you already are?”

“I am?”

“Yes. There’s no way I’m letting you go. You’re mine, Josie. But what I meant when I said we don’t have to do anything was I’ll wait. I’ll wait as long as you need, if…”

“No. Please, Drew,” she says, clinging to me. “Don’t let me think. Don’t give me time to change my mind. Just…”

“Just what?”

“Just take me.”

A low growl escapes my lips as I crush them against hers. She’s right. Now is not the time for thinking. It’s the time for doing, and I reach down, finding the hem of her t-shirt and pull it up, breaking the kiss to yank it over her head. She’s wearing a white lace bra, but I pause, leaning back slightly.

“Your turn,” I say.

“To do what?” She stares up at me, her face a potent mix of innocence and longing.

“Take off my t-shirt.”

“Is this how it’s done?” she asks, putting her hands behind me and pulling it up my back.

“I don’t know. But it’s how we’re doing it.”

She tugs further and I help her slightly, leaning forward so she can pull my t-shirt over my head. She drops it to the floor beside hers, her eyes raking over my chest, her teeth nipping at her bottom lip.

“That’s sexy,” I murmur.

“What is?”

“When you bite your lip like that.”

“What does it make you wanna do?” she asks.

“This…” I dip my head and gently nibble on her bottom lip. She leans against me, moaning softly. There’s still a barrier between us, though, so I reach behind her, unfastening her bra, and pull the straps down, letting it fall to the floor beside us. I pull her close again, feeling her soft skin against mine.

It’s too much… and yet I need more.

I pull back, bending down to flick my tongue across her hardened nipple, cupping her other breast as she shudders, moaning loudly.

“Oh, Drew… that’s so good.”

I reach between us, unfastening her jeans, and pulling down the zipper. Her panties feel as though they’re made of the same delicate lace as her bra, and I delve inside, leaning back and standing to stare down at her.

“You’re shaved?”

“Yes,” she says. “Is that okay? Do you prefer women to be…?”

I shake my head, and she stops talking, blinking, gazing up at me. “I don’t know what I prefer, and I don’t care. What matters is, you feel perfect.” I kiss her, my fingers circling over her swollen clit. She squeals and bucks against me. “Easy, baby. There’s no rush.”

“But it feels so good.”

“I know.”

“How do you know?”

“I have no idea… but my body seems to know what it’s doing.”

“I—It certainly does…” She breathes a little harder as I circle faster, and she grasps my arm, like she needs the support. I gently pull my hand from her panties and she sighs out her disappointment, looking up at me. “You’re stopping?”

“No. I’m just changing position.”

I kneel before her, tucking my thumbs into the waistband of her jeans and pulling them down to her ankles. She kicks them off and I do the same with her panties, holding her steady while I help her step out of them. I look up at her, taking in her slender waist, her full, firm breasts, and her flared hips as I lean in and kiss her glistening pussy.

Her hand comes down on the back of my head and I reach up, parting her lips with my fingers as I lick her clit. She moves her legs apart and I slide closer, feasting on her, like the starving man I am. She’s soaking, her juices dripping down onto my chin, but I lap them up, swallowing down her sweet nectar as she flexes her hips back and forth into me. I alternate the pressure on her clit, between soft and hard, fast and slow, until her breathing is so ragged I know instinctively she can’t take much more. Her legs are trembling, her body twitching, and I grab her hips, holding her upright as she comes apart, grinding her pussy into my face, a loud scream escaping her lips. I can’t make out a word she’s saying. It’s an incoherent jumble, but I don’t care… I’m too busy drinking her down, and drowning in my love for her.

Her screams subside to mewling whispers, and once I’m sure she’s steady on her feet, I release her hips and stand, looking down at her flushed face. Before she can say a word, I capture her cheeks in my hands and kiss her. Hard. She hesitates for a moment, realizing I taste of her, and then I feel her tongue dart into my mouth, her body writhing against mine. I guess she likes the way she tastes, and I reach down, lifting her into my arms. She wraps her legs around me, her arms resting on my shoulders, her hands on the back of my head as I walk across to the bed, place my knee on the mattress and, supporting her back, slowly lower her down.

She looks up at me as I stand again, reaching for my belt buckle. She’s still trying to catch her breath, I think, although her eyes drop from my face to my chest, and continue downward.

“I thought I was supposed to…” she whispers, hesitating over her words, or maybe unsure what to say, or how to phrase it.

“Supposed to what?”

She blushes. “After what you just did… isn’t it my turn?”

I smile, shaking my head. “It’s okay. You don’t have to do that.”

“Even if I want to?”

I halt, gazing down at her. “Y—You want to?”

“I think so,” she says. “I’d like to try, anyway.”

I move my hand from my belt, holding it out to her and she takes it, letting me pull her up into a sitting position. She shimmies to the edge of the bed and, with fumbling fingers, she undoes my belt, pulling it from the belt loops and lying it on the mattress beside her. Then, with her eyes fixed firmly on mine, she unbuttons my jeans, lowering the zipper, and tugs them down. I help, pushing them to my ankles and stepping out. She bites her bottom lip and I reach forward, freeing it with my thumb.

“Unless you want me to bite that again, you need to leave it alone.”

She heaves in a breath, and rubs her fingertips along the length of my cock, through the thin material of my trunks. Back and forth… back and forth, just twice, and then she tucks her fingers in the top and pulls them down, my erection almost hitting her on the chin.

She smiles, looking up at me, and I smile back, cradling her face in the palm of my hand.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, Josie.”

She nods, pushing my trunks lower, right down my thighs to my knees. I step out of them, kicking them aside, and after just a moment’s pause, she closes her hand around me, half-way down my shaft. Her eyes widen as she leans in and runs the tip of her tongue across the head of my cock, before opening her mouth wide and taking me.

I suck in a breath, gritting my teeth, watching as she swallows down the first couple of inches of my swollen dick. She dips her head back and forth, her tongue swirling over me, and then she moves her hand down to the base of my cock, letting it slide around underneath, cupping my balls.

“Oh, fuck. That’s good, baby.”

She takes me a little deeper, upping the pace. She looks so good with my dick in her mouth, and acting on impulse, I grab my belt, looping it around the back of her neck and holding both ends with my right hand. It’s impossible for her to pull away without me letting her, and she knows it. Her eyes are on fire. She shifts closer to the edge of the bed, moaning as I flex my hips just slightly. She’s letting me know she likes this, but even as I’m thinking that, and I flex my hips again, she gives my balls a gentle squeeze to remind me I don’t have all the control here.

I feel a tingle at the base of my spine. There’s a warmth that comes with it, spreading through my body, and I release the belt from around Josie’s neck, letting it fall before I capture her face in my hands and pull out of her mouth. She looks up, blinking, and licks the corner of her lip.

“Did I do something wrong?”

“No. You were gonna make me come.” She smiles, looking a little shy. “I’ve got no idea what my powers of recovery are like, and I’ve got so much more I wanna do with you.”

“Like what?”

I close the gap between us, and the moment my lips hit hers, I let my hands drop from her face, lifting her from the bed and kneeling up on it before I lay her back down again, beneath me. She parts her legs, raising them up, and I support my weight on one arm, palming my cock with the other.

“This.” I find her entrance, holding still, with just the tip of my dick inside her. “I’m sorry, baby. This is gonna hurt.” She raises her right hand, resting her palm on my chest to get my attention. It works and I move my other hand down beside her head, then lower myself to my elbows. “What’s wrong? Do you wanna stop?”

“No. I—I just need to ask a question.”

“Okay.”

“When you said this is gonna hurt, was that a memory?”

“No.”

“Then how do you know it’ll hurt?”

“In the same way I knew just now when I was about to come. It’s no different to knowing when I need to eat, or drink, or sleep. It’s just instinct.”

“So you don’t know if you’ve ever done this before?”

“Done what?”

“Had sex with a virgin.”

I lean a little closer and dust my lips over hers. “To be honest, I can’t tell you either way. I don’t remember… and I don’t care.”

“You don’t?”

“No. Because we’re not having sex.”

She looks utterly bewildered. “We’re not?”

“No.”

She frowns. “What are you doing to me, then?”

“I’m making love with you. There’s a difference.”

“And how do you know that?” she says. “Have you made love before… as opposed to having sex, I mean?”

“I don’t know, and even if I did, it wouldn’t matter. Whatever secrets my past holds, they mean nothing… and you mean everything. Absolutely everything.” I cradle her head in my hands as she blinks up at me, and I can’t hold back any longer. “I love you, Josie.” She opens her mouth, but nothing comes out and her eyes fill with tears, which even I know isn’t the best reaction to what I’ve just said. “It’s okay, baby. I know it’s early days to be saying things like that, and I don’t expect you to feel the same way.”

She puts her arms around my neck, pulling me down, our tongues meeting before our lips mold together. She’s not ready to say the words, and that’s okay. It’s enough that she knows how I feel… that this isn’t just about want and need. It’s more than that.

She rolls her hips, her natural instincts getting the better of her natural reserve and, holding her tight, I push all the way inside her, swallowing her cry. I wait, absolutely still, other than my lips sweeping over hers, my tongue occasionally dipping, tasting.

Eventually, curiosity gets the better of me, and I break the kiss, leaning up, and looking down at her. She’s smiling, her cheeks flushed, her eyes a little glazed.

“Okay?”

She nods. “It stretches.”

“Has the pain stopped?”

I feel her muscles clench along the length of my cock, like she’s checking. “Yes.”

“And the stretch? How does that feel? It’s not too much?”

“No. I like it.” I smile and pull back out of her, almost all the way, then slide back in again. She sighs, bringing her legs up higher, gasping as I go a little deeper on the next stroke, and the next. “That’s so good, Drew…”

She raises her hands, clinging to my shoulders, her body writhing, twisting, craving more. She’s like the tide, ebbing and flowing, alternating between breathless need and soft inquisitive desire. I can feel her washing over me, the depth of my emotions catching me unaware, a lump forming in my throat as I watch her uncoil, sense the building surge within her.

I don’t know if this is the kind of lover I used to be. I don’t know if I’ve ever been this connected before. But this is who I want to be with Josie.

I take her slow, but hard… tender, but deep. She’s gripping my cock tighter and tighter, and I feel a gentle quivering right at her core. She tenses, and I know she’s about to come. I also know I won’t be able to hold back, and as she thrashes against me, arching her back, breathing fast, climbing to the precipice, I swivel my hips into her.

“Now, baby… please.”

She clamps around me, her nails digging into my arms as she throws back her head, letting out a low moan that builds and builds to the crescendo of a scream, and I thrust into her one last time, howling out her name and losing what’s left of my mind as I fill her with everything I’ve got.

She’s rolling beneath me, her body rising and then falling again, as her orgasm slowly subsides. “Please…” she whimpers. “Please don’t stop, Drew.” There’s no way I’m ever going to stop. I’m still hard and I need to move again. I need more, too.

I lower myself down, resting my forehead against hers as I plunge deep inside her, letting her know this isn’t over. This will never be over. “I can’t stop,” I murmur, dusting my lips across hers. I lower my hand behind her, resting it on her ass, and I lift her off of the bed, just slightly. That changes the angle, and within moments, she tips over the edge once more.

I’m nowhere near coming again, and I gaze down at her perfect face, a picture of ecstasy as her body writhes into mine, stretching and contracting, her eyes closed tight, her lips moving, even though this time, there’s no sound coming from them. She’s saying something, and I need to know what it is. I bend my head a little closer to hers, so my ear is right beside her lips, and I know I’ve truly lost my mind when I hear her whisper, “I love you, Drew. I’ve always loved you…”