Chapter 6

Mikhail: Chapter 6

I was close to losing my mind, and I didn't have a clue what to do about it. And the reason for it was due here any time. Jesus Christ, she was driving me insane, but I couldn't stay away from her. She was like a drug. I had to be close to her and it was getting worse. I thought after a few sessions with her, my fascination and desire might decrease or even go away. It had always petered off over time with a woman. And since she and I weren't doing scenes or having sex together, there was no reason for her to hold my interest.

Or that's what I told myself and found I was a damn liar. Everything about her captivated me. All she had to do was come to mind and I was hard. I spent so much time dreaming and fantasizing about her, I was almost raw from jacking off. Only those times weren't ever satisfying enough. I was left wanting more.

You might think since I owned a kink club, it was easy to be satisfied. I had countless women I could have sex with to get relief. Even if all I wanted was to masturbate, I had several scenes to watch to do it to. Well, you'd be wrong. I couldn't watch other people having sex or playing and think of her. It felt wrong, dirty, and like I was cheating on her, which was ridiculous. She and I weren't in any kind of relationship. It shouldn't matter. And I sure as hell couldn't go have sex with another woman. The thought of it made my skin crawl.

The past month since we began our tutoring had been hell mixed with heaven. I got to spend several nights with her, but not all of them. I resented the nights she didn't come to the club. I would wander around feeling lost. My temper was more prevalent and people noticed. I would wonder what she was doing and if she was alright. When she was here, my desire for her increased tenfold. It was a fight not to drag her upstairs to my place and ravish her. To show her all the things I could do to and for her. The things she'd found the most intriguing, I wanted to do with her.

It wasn't just about sex and playing, though. It was so much more and deeper. I was falling for her, which I'd never done with a woman. My heart had never been in danger before, but it was now. Hell, who was I kidding? I wasn't falling, I'd already fallen.

Years ago, when I first started to explore my sexuality and the kink world, I had a teacher I guess you'd call her. She was an older woman who had been in the lifestyle for a while. I was young and I thought I was in love with her. We'd been together for two years, and I was all ready to propose to her, when I found out she only saw me as a playmate and I wasn't the only one. Whereas I'd only been with her, she had been with many others behind my back. I thought my heart was broken when I gave her the ultimatum, me or the others, and she chose the others.

A few years later, I realized I hadn't been in love with her. By then, I'd grown in my dominance and I found I could have many partners, whether I had sex with them or not. A few I'd stuck to for longer periods of time over the years, but it was never with the understanding I would be exclusive. Although, as my sub, I demanded they were, which was probably shitty of me, but I didn't share. Some men were all for it and I had no problem with them doing it. Just not me. The women weren't special other than they attracted me, but they were mine.

The desire to be with others was one of the reasons Tessa and I parted ways. I wasn't giving her the attention she needed, and I hadn't cared to try. Our encounters had grown less and less satisfying for us both. We'd parted ways when she brought it up to me and it was a mutual decision. I had no hard feelings and wished her luck. She still came to Lustz, although not as often. I had no idea if she'd found a dedicated Dom or not. When she was here, she seemed to play with different ones.

When I thought of Tajah being with anyone else, I wanted to tear shit up and kill the imaginary men. I saw her interest and desire growing the more she learned, and I didn't want her to explore any desires with anyone but me. I wanted to be her Dom and not just at the club. I wanted her to be mine. Mine to satisfy, protect, and grow with. Dare I say, I wanted to be the one to love her and have her love me, which blew my mind.

I knew coming back from my vacation that I had to possibly think about finding someone to spend my life with. It seemed to be what I determined my dissatisfaction stemmed from, although I couldn't be sure. Even though I'd come to that conclusion, I hadn't thought it would necessarily entail love, more like mutual respect and desire. Meeting Tajah had changed that notion. I wouldn't settle for anything less than desire, respect, and love, and my gut told me I could have it all with her. I just had to get her to see it.

I knew she desired me. I saw the way she looked at me, and I knew her body reacted even though she tried to hide it. Those were all encouraging signs, but they weren't enough. I wanted all of her, not just her body. Her heart and soul had to come with it. Everything I saw told me she was a submissive but not in life. I wasn't looking for someone I could tell what to do twenty-four seven. That kind of relationship held no appeal for me. I needed that in my sex life a lot of the time, but not the rest of my life. Any other time, I found I respected a woman who was independent and able to make her own decisions.

This didn't mean she couldn't lean on me in her regular life or ask for help. Absolutely she could and I wanted that, too. I just didn't want it constantly. I was coming to recognize I needed to be able to do the same with her. I was so used to being in control and making all the decisions. Even when I might be uncertain, I rarely talked about it, even with Reuben. I forged ahead. A knock at my office door startled me out of my thoughts.

"Come in," I hollered.

Instead of Tajah walking in, Reuben did. I tried not to show my disappointment. She no longer had to wait for me to come get her downstairs when she arrived. I'd put her prints into the elevator, so she could come right up. Something I'd never done with a woman, not even Tessa. He had a serious expression on his face as he closed the door and moved over to me. I was standing in front of the monitors on the wall, although I hadn't been seeing them.

"What's that look on your face for? Is something wrong?" I asked him.

"Relax, everything is fine downstairs. That's not why I'm here. You and I need to talk." He sat on the couch, so I moved to sit across from him in one of the chairs.

"Okay, if everything's fine downstairs, what is it we need to talk about? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine. It's you we need to talk about."

"What about me? There's nothing wrong with me."

"Like hell, there's not. Mikhail, we've been friends for a long time. You've been struggling long before you went away. When you came back, I had hoped it would get better, but I think it's only getting worse. When you agreed to mentor Tajah, I was surprised but hopeful. I thought at least you're getting back to yourself, but you haven't. You're not playing with her or anyone else. You spend all your time either showing her around, or up here locked in your office or apartment. When was the last time you got laid or had fun?"

"Since when are you my babysitter? When and who I play with or have sex with isn't for you to worry about. I've been taking a break. There's nothing to worry about."

I didn't want to share with him what I was feeling for Tajah before I even had a chance to discuss it with her. I knew if I came out and told her I'd fallen for her, she'd most likely run. I'd gotten the feeling she hadn't had the best experience with men in her past. The last thing I wanted was to move too fast and scare her away. Once I had her convinced, then I'd tell him.

"Come on, it's me, Mikhail," he argued.

We went back and forth for several minutes before he threw up his hands and said he gave up. I assured him again that I was fine before he walked out. Checking the time, I pulled out my phone to text her, to see if she was almost here. I was growing concerned and my mind automatically turned to things like she'd been in an accident.

Before I could text anything, there was a quick rap on the door, then it opened again. I sighed as I opened my mouth to tell him to stop, only it wasn't Reuben. It was Tessa. To say I was surprised, was an understatement. As it registered she was here, it hit me that Reuben had to have brought her up here and let her into the office. Goddamn his interfering ass. When I got done with her, I was tracking him down and making sure he never did shit like this again.

She was smiling as she came straight toward me. "Mikhail, it's so good to see you alone. I've been wanting to talk to you. You're a hard man to get by yourself."

She stepped into my personal space and raised up on her tiptoes to kiss me. I turned my head so her lips landed on my cheek instead of my mouth like she intended. When she drew back, she was frowning. I didn't bother to reprimand her for the kiss.

"Tessa, what're you doing up here? You know this area is off-limits to patrons. Why the hell did Reuben bring you up here?" I stepped away from her. Her perfume was cloying and made me want to choke. I hadn't ever noticed that before.

"Mikhail, I'm not just a patron. We're old friends and he brought me up because he knew we needed to talk. I can't wait any longer."

I knew just kicking her out would probably do no good. She'd keep trying to talk to me until she got her way, so I pointed for her to sit. She did but gave me an annoyed look when I chose to sit across from her rather than next to her. "You've got five minutes," I informed her.

"I've missed you, and I know we agreed our parting was mutually beneficial for both of us, but I've had time to think about it. I overreacted and was hasty. I should've never done it. I miss you. I want us to get back together. I know we can make it work, and it'll be even better than it was when we first started."

I shook my head. "No, it wouldn't. Our parting was the right thing to do, and we should've done it long before we did. It wasn't working, and nothing we did would've made it work. You need to move on. I've seen you with different men here. Not one of them makes you want more?"

"They're not you. None of them come close to making me feel like you do. And I know no one can make you feel like I did. Not even that woman you've been hanging around with the past few weeks." Her lip curled up as she said the word woman.

"She's none of your business. Delilah and I aren't something I'm willing to discuss with you."

"Delilah, what a name. Come on, you can't tell me she does it for you. I've seen her. She's nothing special. All she does is watch. You need a woman who's able to explore and let you release your inner self. That will never be her in a million years."

I didn't want to have her focus more on Tajah, so I decided to divert her attention by telling her a partial truth. I wasn't in the mood to explain and argue with her. "Delilah isn't the kind of woman I would ever set up to play games with. She's nothing like you."

A smile spread across her face. "I know she's not. I knew you'd never go for someone as vanilla as her. That's why we need to get back together. We're perfect for each other."

I'd heard enough. I wanted her out of my sight. I got up. "It's time to leave. The answer is still no and it'll remain no. We're through, and I don't want to hear you say anything about it again. You need to leave."

She protested and begged all the way to the door. I hated it, but I escorted her down to the first floor, so she would leave my safe haven zone. As soon as she was there, I went looking for Reuben. I had to make sure he never did anything like that again with her or anyone else. He'd never done it before. What was he thinking?

I scanned the first floor. Not seeing him, I went to the second to do the same. When I didn't see him there either, I headed to his office in the back. I was lucky. He was there with his door open. I walked in without knocking, then slammed it shut. He sat up straight when I did.

"I know you're pissed. I can tell, but let me explain," he said in a hurry.

"Go ahead, then you're gonna listen to me," I snapped. I didn't have time for this. I needed to find Tajah. My anxiety over where she was had grown. She was usually here by now, although we never had a set time.

"You need to get your mojo back or whatever you call it. Tessa and you were good together at one point. I thought it could be again now that you both took a break. I think it's significant you haven't been with anyone since her. Even if you two don't get back together, you can blow off steam with her."

"Tessa and I weren't good for a long time before we called it quits and you know it. There's no going back to how it was in the beginning, either. As for me not being with anyone since, there's a reason for it."

"What!? What aren't you telling me? I thought we were best friends and we're here for each other," he said loudly.

"We are, but I didn't want to say anything until I knew for sure and then I had to do something first," I snarled back at him. He was going to make me tell him before I spoke to Tajah. I knew he'd never drop it now until I confessed, the bastard.

He slammed his fist down on his desk as he came to his feet. "Sure of what? Do what? I'm fucking worried about you, Mikhail. Goddamn it!"

"That I was really wanting something more than just a Dom/sub relationship. I'm ready to have someone special in my life, who I can hopefully grow fucking old with and maybe have a damn family!"

His mouth dropped open, and he dropped down in his chair. I saw I'd floored him. I walked to his desk and sat down in front of it. We stayed silent, studying each other for a good minute or two before he spoke again.

"Shit, I don't know what to say. You never even hinted at wanting something like that. In fact, you've always said you didn't see yourself settling down. What changed?"

I sighed. "Honestly, I didn't think I did want it. I never saw it, but my dissatisfaction kept growing. When I spent all those weeks away, I had a lot of time to think about why. I went through my life. Overall, everything is the best it's ever been. Business is booming. I've got great people in my life, like you. I can have anything I desire, pretty much. I should be perfectly content, but I'm not. No one was capturing my attention, not even for a simple round of playing. The more I examined why and thought about it, I came to the same conclusion over and over. What the hell good is it to have money and all this, if I have no one to share it with or to leave it to when I die? I'm forty-five years old and just now mature enough to handle a monogamous relationship. However, not just anyone will do. I thought liking would be enough, but it won't be. I have to love her and she has to love me back."

He rubbed his hand down his jaw. "Christ, I can't believe I'm hearing this out of you, of all people. I don't know what to say other than, are you sure? This isn't some midlife crisis shit, is it? What if you change your mind in a couple months? How can you be sure?"

"Because I've met the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I just have to make sure she's on the same page."

"Who? When? Where did you meet her? The only person you've been around that I know of is Tajah," he exclaimed.

I raised my brow and said nothing. It took several heartbeats before it registered. When it did, he practically yelled. "You're fucking kidding! Tajah? The woman you wanted to kick out of here? The one who knows nothing about this life? She's not your type."

"What does that mean, she's not my type?" I growled.

"You know, an experienced sub who knows the lifestyle and who can satisfy your desires. She's barely a neophyte. What if she doesn't want to do those things? It's one thing to write about them, but another to do them. How do you know you can love her?"

"Yeah, in the past I stuck to women who knew the role and lifestyle, but it doesn't matter to me when it comes to her. I want to teach her everything she wants to explore. The thought of another man doing that with her makes me crazy. And I know she wants to do more than write about it. I've seen her response to what we talk about and she sees. She's shy about voicing those desires, but she's loosening up more and more. She has the sub nature underneath her independence. I know I can love her because I'm already more than halfway in love with her. I just need to make sure she can love me."

"Well, fuck me sideways. You're serious. How can you know it's love, though? It's been only a month. It takes months, if not years, for people to fall in love, Mikhail. Lust can happen in days or weeks but not love," he said dismissively.

"Have you ever been in love?"

"Well, no, but still, everyone I know who has said they were in love took longer to fall."

"Maybe they did, but not everyone is like that. Look at Payne? He was someone we'd never see falling for a woman or being monogamous. He saw Jayla and that was it. He was gone, even if it took him a little bit to accept it and get her. No one seeing those two can doubt they adore and love each other. From what he's said, everyone in his club who has settled down was the same way. He told me when you know, you know. I think I can make Tajah fall in love with me. I just have to take my time and not scare her off."

My phone buzzed, interrupting us. Not knowing if it was something important with the club or if it was her, I took it out and looked. It was Leon. He said there was an issue he needed me to come see.

"Damn it, Leon needs me. Listen, we can continue this talk later, but you need to realize, I'm not changing my mind. This isn't a passing fancy or midlife crisis. I want this, so no more sending Tessa or anyone else up to my office."

"I'm sorry, you're right. I should've never done it. I promise it won't happen again. Come on, I'll go with you in case we need to knock some heads together. It's been too long since we've had that kinda fun," he said with a big grin as he got up. I chuckled and nodded as we headed out to the main floor. It was where Leon said he was. He was near the private rooms according to his text.

There was a crowd there when we got there. We had to tell people to move to get through, although when they saw us, they were quick to do it. I found him and Freddy facing off with two men. I wondered why they called me until I saw Tessa standing near them. What the hell?

"What seems to be the trouble here, Leon? Freddy?" I asked.

"Sorry to bother you, Master M, but Tessa demanded we get you. It seems these two gentlemen are having a dispute about who she'll be doing a scene with tonight. She said neither, that you and she are, but they don't like her answer. Knowing your history, I decided to call you," Leon told us.

"Our history is just that, history. As for these two, if they can't behave, they can leave. If she said no, then that means no. The same as with anyone else here. Tessa, don't tell any of my staff to call me for shit like this. And don't lie and say we're doing anything together. You know that's not happening."

"Sorry, boss, I thought… Well, never mind that. Got it. Sorry for disturbing you. We'll take care of this," Leon apologized. I could tell he was afraid of the dressing down I'd give him later.

I slapped him lightly on the shoulder. "It's fine. Now you know. Pass the word to the rest and I'll do the same. The only one who I want to be called for, unless you can't handle it yourselves, is for Delilah."

"Got it."

Tessa sputtered as I walked off. I had no time for her and her dramatics. If she thought I would get jealous or come to her rescue when she lied, she was mistaken. Reuben excused himself to make rounds. As he walked off, I took out my phone and sent Tajah a text message.

Me: Where are you? I'm worried. You're usually here by now. Are you okay?

I waited impatiently for her to answer. When five minutes went by and there was nothing, I headed toward the door. I was going to go check on her. I hit the door just as a text came in. I stopped half-in and half-out of the doorway. It was her.

Tajah: I'm not coming tonight. Something came up. Sorry. You're free to enjoy yourself.

Me: Enjoy myself? What came up? Talk to me. This isn't like you.

"Everything alright, boss?" Hoss asked.

"I don't know. Delilah was supposed to meet me here tonight, but she didn't show up. Now, she says she's not coming and for me to enjoy myself," I muttered, only half-paying attention to him.

"What do you mean, she didn't show? She was here. I let her in myself, then not long afterward, she came back out. I asked where she was going and she said you needed the night off. I thought it was weird, but she didn't stick around for me to ask her more."

This got my attention. "She was here? When?"

He glanced at his watch. "She left about a half hour ago. She came in maybe ten or less minutes before that. Damn it, I knew something didn't seem right. First, you'd never make her come all this way and then send her home. Secondly, she wasn't acting like herself. She usually talks to me for a few minutes at least, and this time, she didn't, nor did she make eye contact."

Unease filled me. "I've gotta go. Thanks. I didn't send her away, so I'm not sure what happened, but I'm gonna find out. I just need to talk to Reuben for a minute. Send one of the guys to get my car, will ya?" I handed him my keys. We had valet parking for those who didn't want to bother with finding their own parking spots. My car was in the private garage, but they'd get it for me.

"Sure will."

I hurried back inside. Thankfully, I found Reuben quickly. I hauled him to a quieter spot against one of the walls. He gave me a concerned look. "What's wrong?"

"I need to leave. Can you cover for the rest of tonight?"

"Sure. I thought you were waiting on Tajah to get here?"

"I was, but then I got a weird text and found out she was here and left. I need to find out why. She claims she can't come tonight. That something came up."

"Do you think she couldn't find you because you were with me and she left?"

"I don't think so, but I'll find out. She needs to know she can always text or call me if she can't find me. I gotta go. Later and thanks." I didn't hang around to hear him say more. I bolted. When I got to the front, my car was waiting for me. I got in and brought up her address in my navigation system to remind me where I was headed. As I sped off, I couldn't help but worry. I had a sick feeling about this. I prayed I was overreacting.