CHAPTER 20

jamie

I was still thinking about that night with Mateo days later. It hadn't been far from my thoughts all week really, the way he had opened up to me, the way he had let down all those walls and barriers that he had fortified himself behind so fully. It had been one of the most amazing moments of my life.

I don't think I'd ever had a night quite like that one before. I'd certainly never had sex like that before where we both seemed to have been taken over by some kind of possessive need and hedonistic lust. But it wasn't just the sex. It was the way he'd looked at me. It was the words we'd shared. It was the fact he'd let me in.

I was still dreaming about the colour purple days later.

Bill had commented on my absent state of mind a few times already but I had just laughed it off. How did I explain a night like that to anyone who wasn't there? And really, I didn't exactly want to explain it anyone else. Bill was a pretty open minded guy but I was sure he didn't need the details of my nights with Mateo.

Even one as impossibly perfect as that night.

"I'm right, aren't I?" Bill was still chiding me as we sat on his back verandah nursing a beer each, Cooper terrorising Bella in the backyard.

"Right about what?" I asked.

"That you're still daydreaming about your man," he pressed, eyebrow raised suggestively.

"Can't a guy just sit and drink his beer in peace for one minute?" I huffed, taking a swig of my beer.

"You're so coy about him," Bill laughed. "It's quite unlike you to be so cagey on the details."

"Leave Jamie alone," Kelly cut in, coming to my rescue with baby Molly on her hip. She handed me the sleeping little girl and I cooed over her cuteness while Kelly sat beside Bill, taking a long sip of his drink.

"Thank you, Kel," I muttered.

"Bill does have a bit of a point though," she added while her husband grinned at her.

"Can I get a copy of that in writing?" he grinned. Kelly poked her tongue out at him before looking at me, a serious expression on her face.

"I'm serious, Jamie," she said. "You're spending an awful lot of time with this guy who won't give you any kind of commitment. That's not like you and I'm worried."

"We haven't even met him yet either and we've met all your other boyfriends in the past," Bill added unhelpfully. "Poor Kel doesn't even know what he looks like which is nothing short of a tragedy."

"Well, I can help you out with that at least," I said, pulling out my phone and finding the photos I'd saved that Mateo had sent me last week. They were from his last photoshoot in Sydney and he looked as breathtaking in them as he had in real life. I may or may not have looked at them a hundred times already. Possibly at night time with my hand fisting my cock.

"Holy shitballs," Kelly exclaimed, pinching the screen to zoom in closer. " That's your man?"

"No need to sound quite so excited, babe," Bill grumped, taking the phone from her and doing the same doubletake. "Well, that's concerning. I think I just turned a little bit gay."

I laughed. "Yeah, he's way out of my league. I know."

"Too right," Bill laughed, handing me back my phone. "How the hell did you snag a supermodel?"

"He's not out of your league," Kelly said. "You're super nice looking too, Jamie, and you also have the added advantage of knowing looks aren't everything."

"I know," I sighed.

"So why then?" Kelly pressed. "Why are you letting him just set the pace between you? It's not like you to be so blinded by someone's appearance."

"I don't know that either," I shrugged. "I think I'm addicted to him. I don't know how to walk away. And before you say anything, it's not about what he looks like or even the sex. It's … him."

"Why don't you talk to him? See where he's at? If he can't commit to you then maybe you should think about breaking it off."

"Give the guy a break, Kel," Bill cut in, his turn to defend me. "Sometimes the prospect of hot sex with a supermodel is enough."

"Not for Jamie it's not," Kelly huffed. And no, it wasn't enough for me. She was right about that. I just didn't know what to do about it. Because this thing with me and Mateo was so far past being just sex that I didn't know what I was doing anymore. I didn't think it was just sex for Mateo either, but I also wasn't sure if he had caught up on that memo yet.

"Thing is, I think he's still hung up on his ex," I admitted, focusing on the angelic face of the sleeping baby girl in my arms. "I don't know how to break that down."

"Is the ex still on the scene?" Kelly asked.

"Yep. He's also Mateo's best friend so he's not going anywhere."

"Gee, talk about complicated."

"Believe me. I know. So the risk is if I say something he'll just walk away from me because I know he won't choose me over his best friend and I don't even really want that. His ex is a really great guy. I'm not sure I can risk that."

"But Jamie, maybe it would be better to know now so that you're not in so deep you can't leave. Surely that would be worse."

I sighed, the sound heavy to my heart. "I don't know what would be worse," I admitted.

" Talk to him ," Kelly reiterated. "I don't know why that is so hard for you men."

"Hey," Bill piped in.

"Not you of course, darling," she grinned, scrunching her nose at him adorably. And that right there, just those simple moments between two people who loved each other was what I really wanted. What I'd always wanted. Could Mateo be that guy for me? I wanted him to be, wanted him to be so badly I couldn't let myself give in to those thoughts. Because the sad truth was that I just didn't think Mateo would ever let himself be that for me.

But then I thought more about the past few weeks, how much closer we had been getting. All the coffees we'd shared at Cat's Cradle. Our walk on the beach. How he had let me meet Dante and Giulia. All those nights we had spent together and I wasn't just thinking of the sex although that alone was enough to make me weep. I'd fallen asleep with him in my arms and woken up to find him still there enough times to know we really had something.

Maybe Kelly was right. Maybe I just needed to know if Mateo could see a future for us together. Whether he could ever get over his ex-boyfriend who had clearly moved on with his own life with his new man.

But was I prepared for his answer? And was I okay with always being his second choice?

Now that was a whole other question.