Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

“Jump!” I yelled at the kids, but they clung to the swings, laughing and screaming in delight as they swayed on each side of the running camel.

Good. God. They were as crazy as Gertie.

I turned up the speed, but a camel in an open space has the advantage. I saw Ida Belle running at an angle for the street, but she didn’t even come close to intercepting. A couple of women were running behind me, screaming bloody murder, and I could only assume their kids were the two who elected to stay on the swings and train for the circus.

Ida Belle already had the SUV started and in gear when I jumped inside and we took off after the camel, who was already half a block away. The camel made a turn on the next street and took out the postman and a rosebush with one end of the swing set frame. I glanced as we passed, hoping the man was all right, but we didn’t have time to stop and check. I dialed the sheriff’s department but it was busy. No surprise. Everyone on the block appeared to be standing in their front yards, which meant news of the camel fiasco had already swept through town. Probably half the population was trying to reach the sheriff’s department about now.

Mid-block, something caught the camel’s eye and he swerved to the right, running onto the lawns. I saw Nora standing on her front lawn, wearing a string bikini—heavy on the string, light on the bikini—and a huge straw hat with flowers on it. She was holding her cat, Idiot, under one arm and waving to a dump truck that was pulling away…and scattering sand all over her driveway and the road as he went. The camel locked in on the sand and must have figured he was close to home, because he headed straight for Nora’s driveway.

Ida Belle laid on the horn and as Nora turned around, I swear I could see her pupils enlarge from three houses away. Idiot, clearly sensing the danger, did a sideways spring off her body, as only cats can do, attempting to escape into a nearby tree.

He missed.

And landed on the back of the camel.

Nora dived into her azalea bushes, and all I could see was her feet sticking up as we drove past. I’m sure the cat’s claws didn’t even put a dent in the camel’s thick hide, but the additional weight clinging to his rear probably didn’t make him any less stressed. He turned up the speed and ran for the layer of sand, as if it would somehow save him from whatever ring of hell he currently found himself in.

I was praying that he’d stop when he reached the sand, but all hopes were dashed when he crossed the driveway and went around the house toward the backyard.

“Heaven help us all,” Ida Belle said. “She put in a pool.”

“At least she was wearing a bathing suit.”

“Barely.”

Ida Belle raced into Nora’s driveway and slammed on the brakes. I was out of the SUV before it stopped and already running for the backyard. The fence between Nora and her neighbor’s had been removed, and orange plastic construction fencing waved on the remaining posts on each side. I bolted across the trail of sand and into the backyard just as the camel barreled into the pool.

And the tornado siren stopped.

The kids let out a final scream of glee and jumped off the swings, then swam for the side. Gertie, remarkably, was still astride the camel, who was now swimming around in a circle, looking somewhat pleased, despite the swing set still hanging from his neck. Idiot had either jumped or been flung off the camel’s butt when they hit the water and had clawed himself onto a foam float shaped like a flamingo.

Ida Belle ran up beside me and shook her head. “I told her that a zero-entry sand pool was a bad idea around here. Anything can wander into it.”

“In fairness,” I said, “I don’t think she planned on a camel taking up residence. He probably thinks he found an oasis in the middle of the desert with sand covering a good quarter of her yard. What the heck is she building? A volleyball court?”

The kids, one boy and one girl, had made it up the slope of the pool and were high-fiving each other. I was glad they hadn’t been hurt but couldn’t help smiling. This was the kind of story that got retold their entire lives. And since they were probably about eight, that was a lot of years to recount their story of the runaway camel. Their mothers, on the other hand, would probably need Xanax and therapy.

“Did you see us go?” the boy asked. “Holy crap! That camel is fast.”

“You can’t say crap,” the girl corrected, “but he really was. Our moms are going to have a fit. They’re going to have to dip into their secret wine stash early. ”

“My mom said the secret wine stash is how we got my sister. I hope she doesn’t drink any.”

Nora came lumbering up about that time, scratched from top to bottom from the branches on the azalea bush and with leaves and flowers stuck in her hair.

“I probably have something for them that works better than wine,” she said.

“No handing out your stash to beleaguered parents, Nora.”

Carter’s voice sounded behind me, and I turned around to see him walking toward us, his gaze locked on the swimming camel.

“Let’s go tell our moms what we did!” the girl said, and the two of them flashed grins at us and ran out of the yard.

“Just when I think I’ve seen it all,” he said and looked at Nora. “Please tell me you did not buy a camel.”

“Not me,” Nora said. “I have trouble keeping plants alive. Except weed. I’ve got the best weed in the South.”

Carter closed his eyes and looked skyward, pretending that he hadn’t heard a word she’d said.

“He’s mine,” Gertie said, still perched on the camel and beaming. “Isn’t he awesome?”

“Get me a handful of that weed,” I said before Carter could put his thoughts into words that were legal to say in public.

He stared at me as if I’d lost my mind.

“It’s for the camel,” I said. “We have to get that swing set off him before he takes out more than just the mailman. And since half the fence is down for this construction project, it’s not like we can just close the gate and wait him out. So unless you’ve got a horse tranquilizer handy…”

“Oh, that’s a great idea,” Gertie said. “I had some of Nora’s stash a couple weeks ago and was so relaxed I slept for two days.”

“You told me you were sick,” Ida Belle said .

Gertie nodded. “Sick of being awake. Best sleep I’ve had in years.”

I motioned to her to get off the camel. “He’s ignoring reining anyway, so you’re safer off him.”

Nora was back with a five-gallon bucket of her stash by the time Gertie had dismounted and waded out. Carter’s look of dismay at the size of the bucket was priceless, but he just shook his head and started off for the other side of the pool.

“I’ll just rescue the cat,” he said. “If anyone asks, I know nothing about anything else going on here.”

Nora perked up. “Something’s going on? Tell me!”

He sighed and grabbed the pool brush to attempt to drag the float Idiot was on to the side of the pool. Nora opened her bucket and gave me a bud and I headed down the slope toward the camel, who was alternating giving me and the cat on the float a wary eye. I couldn’t say that I blamed him where the cat was concerned. I had one eyeball on him as well, and for good reason. The last time I’d gone rounds with Nora’s cat, he’d had a loaded gun.

The float was almost to the side when the impatient cat decided to make a leap for it. Of course, his leap sent the float backward and threw him completely off trajectory. He dropped about two inches from the float and a good foot from the side of the pool, clawing at the brush as he hit the water. He sprang up so fast that I swear his head wasn’t even wet, then climbed on top of the brush and ran up the pole like a tightrope walker at the circus. Reaching Carter’s arms didn’t slow him down one bit. He ran straight up to his shoulders, then perched on top of Carter’s head, claws dug in and dripping. Carter cursed as he tugged at the cat hat, trying to pull him off his head, but Idiot had attached for the duration.

Finally, he leaned over, figuring the cat would let go if he was hanging upside down, but he was just a tad bit too close to the side of the pool. His foot hit the pool brush as he bent over, and he went cat-first into the pool. Idiot decided his new perch wasn’t good any longer and vaulted off Carter’s head and back onto the camel. The startled camel shot halfway up the beach entry. Ida Belle and I ducked to avoid being taken out by the swing set, and Nora fell backward over a lounge chair.

Fortunately, the last place Idiot wanted to be was on the camel again, so he vaulted off and landed in the bucket of weed, which appeared to have the same effect on him as catnip did. He immediately flopped over and started rolling on top of the buds. Nora pulled herself up on a lounge chair and reach in the bucket to pluck the cat out. She grabbed her straw hat off her head, dropped the cat inside, and pulled the sides up, effectively trapping him. From the sounds he was letting out, I wouldn’t want to be Nora later on tonight. After all, we already knew he could shoot a gun.

“That’s why I had to start putting lids on the buckets,” Nora said. “No one wants to smoke cat hair.”

Idiot was still growling as she stalked off for her house.

I grabbed another piece of bud and approached the camel, who’d been warily eyeing us from a patch of sand that Nora had installed on one side of the pool. He didn’t trust me, but he wanted what was in my hand. That’s when I heard a cough behind me.

Andy Blanchet, who was filling in for Deputy Breaux while he had his wisdom teeth removed, headed toward me, shaking his head at the scene in front of him. We probably looked a ragtag bunch—Carter, fully clothed and climbing out of the pool; Nora, wearing a bikini and headed into her house with a yowling cat in her hat; and Ida Belle, Gertie, and me standing in front of a camel.

When he stepped up, he took one look at the lump in my hand and started laughing so hard he had to sit in a patio chair. Carter walked up and looked down at Blanchet, who barely managed to stop laughing long enough to focus in on Carter.

“Since you’re so amused by these three and their shenanigans,” he said to Blanchet, “I’m delegating. This one is all yours and I was never here. I’m going home to shower and change and none of you are going to leave this property with anything that can be eaten, smoked, or drunk.”

Everyone nodded except Gertie, who looked at the ground. Andy just grinned as Carter dripped his way out of Nora’s yard.

“He seems pretty calm now that the siren’s stopped,” Gertie said.

Ida Belle reached up and grabbed the swing set frame, and the camel’s eyes widened.

“Nope,” I said. “He’s still stressed, and it will take all of us to lift that swing set off him, so we need to make sure he doesn’t take off running again.”

I gave him a bud, which he downed in one chomp, then Nora came back outside and shook her head.

“That would work a lot faster if he was smoking it,” she said.

“He doesn’t even observe reining,” Ida Belle said. “I hardly think he’s going to play puff-puff-give.”

Nora reached into her bathing suit top and pulled out a doobie the size of a cigar. Blanchet let out a strangled cry, but I wasn’t sure if it was because of the size of the joint, where it had been stashed, or that Nora obviously intended to swap smoke with the camel.

“If you need to cut out, I’ll totally understand,” I said.

He shook his head. “No way in hell I’m missing this. Besides, I don’t have an election or a job to worry about. But I’m beginning to understand why Carter tells me ‘I don’t know anything about that’ when I ask about stuff.”

Nora took a draw on the cigar joint so big her chest strained the fabric on the bikini. Then she leaned toward the camel and blew the smoke in his face. At first, the camel wrinkled his nose and I thought he was going to back away, but then he must have gotten a whiff of something he liked because he moved forward, head up, sniffing the smoke.

Blanchet shook his head. “In all my years on earth… You aren’t amazed by this?”

I shrugged. “I spent a lot of time in the desert among the, um…more questionable residents. How do you think I got the idea to use weed to calm him down?”

“Experience with high camels. That’s one to put on the résumé.”

Ida Belle snorted. “If Fortune had a résumé, it would read like fiction. No one would believe it except those of us who know her.”

Nora gave the camel a few more puffs and Blanchet looked over at me. “How many does she need to do?” he asked.

Nora’s eyes closed and she crumpled onto the ground, the cigar joint still between her lips.

“I think she’s done,” I said. “Jury’s still out on the camel.”

“If a couple of puffs took Nora out like that, the camel doesn’t stand a chance,” Ida Belle said.

“Is she all right?” Blanchet asked, staring down at Nora.

“She’s a professional,” I said.

I plucked the cigar joint from her mouth and stubbed it out before tossing it in with the bud and putting the lid back on. Ida Belle pulled over a lawn chair and sat down to wait. The rest of us followed suit, and it wasn’t long before we could see that Ida Belle had called it correctly.

The camel started to sag a little all over, as though he had been hunching his shoulders and had stopped. Then his head lowered and his eyelids started to droop. He started swaying his head back and forth, as if listening to music that wasn’t playing.

“When you hear the imaginary music, it’s starting to kick in,” Gertie said.

Blanchet raised an eyebrow but had apparently learned from Carter’s example and wasn’t about to ask a question.

I lifted one leg and poked at the camel’s chest with my foot, but all he did was give me a sleepy look and I swear he was smiling.

“Okay,” I said as I rose, “let’s give this a whirl. Blanchet, you grab one end of the swing set and Ida Belle and Gertie get the other.”

As soon as they’d all gotten a firm grip, I pulled my chair right in front of the camel’s head and climbed up on it. I grabbed the tire with both hands and nodded.

“Start leaning the frame forward,” I said. “When the tire pops off, let it fall. Don’t worry about me. I’ll duck, but I don’t want him panicking and getting tangled up again.”

They moved the frame forward and I pulled on the tire. It wasn’t snug, so there was no wrangling involved there, thank God, and the camel helped me out by lowering his head as I pulled. Either he was so blasted he couldn’t keep it up any longer or he had finally figured out we were trying to help and was tired of wearing a swing set.

As soon as the tire was clear of his head, I gave it a hard pull and ducked as the swing set crashed on the ground behind me. The camel didn’t so much as flinch.

“Good Lord, he’s trashed,” Gertie said. “I wonder how long he’ll be like that.”

“Hopefully long enough to get him into a place with a solid fence,” Ida Belle said. “And I don’t mean your backyard. You saw what he did to that swing set. He would waltz right through a wood fence. You’re already up for two potential lawsuits and at least twenty more complaints. And for all we know the mailman might not even be with us anymore, and tampering with the mail is a federal offense.”

“Is that why he was walking around looking drunk?” Blanchet asked. “I saw him on the way over and he was trying to stuff a stack of envelopes into a woman’s robe. She was not understanding.”

“Start calling stables and farms and find someone who will board that camel,” Ida Belle said. “We all agreed we’d stay on the straight and narrow until Carter was elected. I know Celia’s been looking for another candidate and the last thing we need is someone who’s friends with her getting the job.”

“She doesn’t have any friends,” Gertie said. “Just women who are too afraid of her to tell her how awful she is.”

“Valid,” Blanchet agreed.

“But if she helps someone into the sheriff’s position, then they’ll owe her,” Ida Belle said. “Debt usually demands a higher price than friendship.”

“Also true,” Blanchet said. “Well, ladies, if the entertainment portion of the day is over, I’ve got to head out to another call. I stopped on my way over because someone reported a camel in Nora’s backyard, and I figured I’d better take a peek. But I’ve got a streaker at the Swamp Bar that needs attending to. Whiskey refuses to approach him. Can’t say that I blame him—the guy’s using a walker, and no one wants that good a look at another man’s business.”

“Is it streaking if you’re doing less than one mile per hour?” I asked.

“Good question,” Blanchet said. “Maybe I’ll ask after I throw a tarp over him. See you ladies later!”

He walked off whistling, and Ida Belle shook her head. “It’s amazing what retirement and not having to care what other people think can do for your mood. ”

Gertie snorted. “You’ve lived every day after ’Nam like it was retirement, and you’ve never cared what other people think. I haven’t seen it improve your mood any.”

“Oh, this is me being pleasant,” Ida Belle said.

I nodded. “I understand.”

The next afternoon, I was lounging in the hammock I’d strung in the huge tree near the bayou and reading a book when I saw Merlin rise from his sunny spot in front of me. He fixed his gaze behind me before relaxing again in the warm grass and going back to sleep. I heard footsteps but there was no way to twist enough to see who was coming up behind me, and I was too comfortable to get out of the hammock. Besides, if Merlin wasn’t concerned, neither was I. His list of people he liked was even shorter than mine.

A couple seconds later, Blanchet moseyed in front of me, hands in his pockets and a big grin on his face. He was the only person I knew who managed to be incredibly active while simultaneously appearing as if he was expending no energy on life at all. I hoped someday to reach that level of relaxed, but I was fairly certain it would only come in the grave.

“Has Cheech and Chong’s camel found a place to live?” he asked.

I nodded. “A local horse breeder, River Hayes, agreed to take him in. At least until we can convince Gertie to get rid of him. That camel has no business being in Sinful.”

He raised an eyebrow. “I’ve heard of Hayes. She’s a pretty big deal in the horse training world. I can’t believe she agreed to take on a camel.”

I shrugged. “She might feel she owes me. ”

He laughed. “I have a feeling a lot of people around here are carrying the same marker.”

“I’ll never tell. So what’s up?”

“I can’t just drop by to visit a friend?”

“Sure, but that’s not why you’re here. You’re practically vibrating. CIA, remember?”

He grinned. “I bought a house!”

“You already own a house.”

“I’m selling it. I bought a house in Sinful.”

I bolted upright, which is always a bad move in a hammock, and struggled for a moment to keep from pitching out of it. Finally, I got my feet planted on the ground and my butt perched on one side. Blanchet never made a move to help. His grin just widened.

“You bought a house in Sinful?” I repeated, not certain I’d heard him correctly.

“Yep. I bought Jenny Babin’s house.”

Jenny Babin’s husband had died from an accidental overdose—or an intentional one, depending on who you asked—and she’d left town as soon as she could.

“But there was a body buried under the porch,” I said.

“It’s been gone for months and hadn’t smelled for decades,” Blanchet said. “Besides, do you know what kind of deal you can get on a property when someone was murdered and buried on-site? Not that I took advantage. I paid asking, but it was considerably lower than what the house would have been worth if the dead guy hadn’t been there.”

I laughed because I got it. It wouldn’t have concerned me in the least to have had a corpse in my backyard. In fact, on my first day in Sinful, I’d turned up a body a couple feet from where I was currently sitting. But that didn’t explain why Blanchet was selling his home that he’d lived in forever and moving here .

“Why are you moving?” I asked.

“You don’t want me here?”

“Of course I want you here. I love having you around. You are a great help to Carter, and you don’t give me grief for doing things a bit unorthodox.”

He laughed. “‘Unorthodox’ is a pretty weak word to describe your methods. Your solution to yesterday’s escapades was getting a camel high.”

“I call that efficient and inventive. Seriously, though, that’s great. I’ll love having you live here. But what about Maya?”

“She thinks it’s a fantastic idea—and yes, she knows about the whole patio-body thing. But Lara is staying in Mudbug and this way, she’s close.”

“So Maya’s officially moving in with you?”

Twenty years ago, Maya had disappeared shortly after beginning a relationship with Blanchet. When he’d come to Sinful to fill in for Carter while he was on his mission in Iran, we’d landed in the middle of a decades-old secret that had not only exposed human trafficking but had returned Maya to him. Seeing their reunion was one of the highlights of my life thus far. Lara was Maya’s now-grown daughter, and there was an adorable and funny granddaughter now as well.

Blanchet grinned. “I think we’ve waited long enough, don’t you? I’m pretty sure our relationship can survive living together. God knows, it’s survived worse.”

“I’m really happy for you. Both of you. You deserve a wonderful life together.”

“I agree. So… What about you and Carter?”

“What about us? We’re already living a wonderful life together, especially now that the whole Iran situation is in our rearview mirror.”

He nodded. “Carter does seem a lot better, but I meant your living situation. You two ever talk about making things more permanent?”

“No. Don’t get me wrong, I love going to bed with Carter and waking up with him—for all the obvious reasons.”

Blanchet chuckled. “Yeah.”

“But if we lived together, Carter would have to work a lot harder at not knowing what I was up to. Not knowing is probably what’s saving us.”

“It’s none of my business, but I think you’re underestimating just how much grief he’s willing to tolerate. He loves you, Fortune. Completely and deeply. I know the look because I wear it every time I look at or even think about Maya. I’m not saying you should rush into anything you’re not ready for, but don’t be afraid to take that leap when it’s time, either. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. Well, I gotta run and pick Maya up. We’re furniture shopping. Mine is horrible, and Maya literally came with the clothes on her back, so we’ve got a lot of ground to cover.”

“Have fun. And congratulations, Blanchet. I look forward to having you here. You and Maya.”

He gave me a wave and headed off. Merlin got up from his nap and rubbed against my leg, probably thinking it was getting close to dinnertime. He wasn’t wrong. I pushed myself out of the hammock and headed for the house, but the whole time, Blanchet’s words were running through my mind.

None of us are guaranteed tomorrow.

It was something I’d always known. I’d been the person who made that lack of guarantee a reality for a lot of bad people. But it was only since the situation in Iran that I’d begun to feel that weight when it came to myself and Carter.

Was I ready to take the leap? Was Carter?

I still wasn’t sure.