Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

I was pouring my first cup of coffee the next morning when my phone rang. I frowned because Ida Belle and Gertie didn’t call. They just showed up. And Carter had been out the door early to help the game warden catch some alligator poachers. No one else would call this early unless it was an emergency.

I grabbed my phone and blinked when I saw the display.

Bayou Inn.

“Hello?” I answered.

“Thank God you’re up!” Shadow Chaser’s frantic voice said. “I need to hire you. It’s a dire situation over here.”

“Is someone dead at the motel? Because that’s a thing for the ME and maybe the cops, depending on how he died.”

“No one’s dead here. At least I don’t think they are. It’s a family situation. I’m on shift today. Can you come up here so I can hire you and you can fix this? I don’t do dead people.”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves until I know what needs fixing. Give me some time to have coffee and get dressed and I’ll head over.”

“I have coffee, but I don’t have women’s clothes—regardless of what you might find about me online—so definitely get dressed. And hurry!”

He disconnected and I dropped my phone on the table and took a sip of coffee. He sounded like he was in heart attack range, which for Shadow Chaser might mean he’d been stuffed in the trunk of a car by a murderer or he’d accidentally seen a motel patron naked. His dismay had been pretty much the same for both.

I sent Ida Belle a text telling her to round Gertie up and head to my house. That we either had a case or a nervous breakdown we needed to address. I downed my cup of coffee and headed upstairs to change. By the time I had consumed two more cups of coffee and had some breakfast, they were walking in.

Ida Belle looked as if she’d been up for hours, and my guess was she probably had. The woman managed to accomplish more before breakfast than most people did in an entire day. Gertie, on the other hand, looked as if she could have used another week or two of sleep. She was dressed but lacked her usual flair, except for the T-shirt that read Fueled by Coffee and Chaos . I wasn’t sure if that was directions or a warning.

She sank into a chair. “Whatcha got? I’m starving and still half asleep.”

“We can stop by the bakery on our way out and fill up a travel mug with coffee for you. That satisfies the coffee part of your T-shirt. Chaos is guaranteed because Shadow Chaser called me this morning in a panic saying he needs to hire me. Apparently, someone is dead, but not at the motel, and that’s all I know.”

Gertie perked up. “We’ve got a case?”

I put my hands up. “It’s Shadow Chaser. We won’t know until we get the details. ”

Ida Belle shook her head. “That boy is so drama. He’s going to have a heart attack before he’s thirty.”

“He sounded like he was well on his way,” I said. “So I figured we shouldn’t keep him waiting any longer than we had to. I’m scared to think of what might happen if Mannie shows up to conduct motel business with Shadow wound up like a spring.”

Gertie nodded. “If he’s all het up, Mannie giving him a good hard stare might be enough to tip him over the edge. I guess we best hit the road and see what this is about. But I’ll take you up on that coffee thing.”

“Date night?” I asked.

She shook her head. “Jeb threw his back out with that whole sexy swing debacle. I’m afraid we didn’t do any better inside than we did in the tree. The only plus is the ceiling was lower and he dragged the mattress off the bed for me to fall on when he cut the strap. But that mattress thing did him in. He was bedridden for days—and not the kind of bedridden you want, if you know what I mean. There was this one time?—”

“No,” Ida Belle said.

Gertie waved a hand at her. “Anyway. No date nights for a while. I was over at Nora’s house trying out the new pool, and she whipped up a batch of Jell-O shots. I can’t remember if we had dinner, but I’m going with probably not. I think the problems started there.”

“The problems started when you went to Nora’s house and consumed something she made,” Ida Belle said.

“She said the shots would take away my leg pain and help me sleep.”

Ida Belle snorted. “Death would certainly solve the problem of leg pain.”

“I think staying out of that swing would solve the leg problem,” I said. “No need to roll the dice on Nora’s concoctions. ”

“Those shots work a lot better than Aleve,” Gertie said. “After an hour in the pool, I couldn’t even feel my legs anymore.”

Ida Belle stared. “Lord help. I hope you weren’t driving.”

“Of course not. I’m adventurous but I’m not an idiot. I walked over and I guess I walked home.”

“You don’t remember?” I asked.

She shrugged. “No. Like I said, they worked great for the pain and the sleep. Must have sleepwalked home. But the dreams were crazy. I had this one about me being Tarzan, except the female version. Then I was one of King Arthur’s knights in a swordfight. It was all entertaining but also exhausting.”

I shook my head, trying to fathom being so out of it I couldn’t remember. I wouldn’t like it. I hated when I wasn’t aware of everything. I was on guard even while sleeping.

“So you just woke up at home in bed?” I asked.

“In my bathtub, actually. Apparently I needed a shower. And I have a rash on the back of my legs near my butt. I must have gotten into something in Nora’s backyard. Looks like poison ivy. I lotioned it up good this morning.”

“Next time Jeb throws his back out, maybe you should just stay home and watch a movie,” Ida Belle said. “Let’s get this show on the road before Gertie starts scratching her butt.”

We stopped at the bakery for coffee and pastries to go and as we were headed out, Carter crossed the street, shaking his head.

“It’s early to be wearing that look,” Ida Belle said.

“Why do you think I’m headed to the bakery?” he asked. “I’m hoping to load up on enough sugar to improve my morning.”

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“I’ve had five calls already from upset residents. Three of them reported a half-naked old woman climbing trees in their front yards. One said the woman climbed onto their kid’s tire swing and was doing bird calls. The last one said someone ripped a picket out of their fence and hacked one of their bushes up with it. The whole thing has been flattened. It looks like whoever did it fell on it when they turned to leave.”

“Couldn’t have been that old if she was climbing trees,” Gertie grumbled in her coffee.

“No one called the sheriff’s department last night?” I asked.

He shook his head. “They didn’t call the sheriff’s department because they didn’t want Deputy Breaux to have to tackle an old, mostly naked lady. And she was acting so bizarrely that they were all afraid to leave their homes and confront her themselves.”

“Crazy isn’t contagious,” I said.

Ida Belle frowned. “Hmmmmmm.”

“And no one recognized her?” I asked.

“Apparently, she was wearing a mask,” he said. “But she left her shirt and pants scattered down the block, and that bush she fell in was full of poison ivy. Shouldn’t take long to figure it out.”

“I’ll bet you’re already close,” Ida Belle said.

Gertie mumbled something and headed for the SUV.

Carter looked at Ida Belle, then back at me and groaned. “It was Gertie, wasn’t it?”

“Since we were at home sleeping, like all decent people,” Ida Belle said, “we cannot confirm or deny, but I’d watch for butt-scratching the next couple days.”

Carter sighed. “I don’t even want to know. I’ve still got PTSD from that swing thing.”

“This one wasn’t nearly as scandalous,” I said. “She had Jell-O shots at Nora’s. ”

“Holy crap. I’m about to double my bakery order. Then I’ll go collect the clothes, take statements, and put this one in the unsolved file.”

“Don’t unsolved cases go against your record?” Ida Belle asked. “I’m thinking about the election.”

“I’d rather lose the election than question Nora or have Gertie tell me about her itchy butt. Why are you out this early, anyway?”

“We might have a case,” I said. “Unless Shadow Chaser is being overly dramatic and exaggerating the problem, although he did mention a dead person.”

Carter shook his head. “I can’t take Shadow Chaser’s nonsense on top of Gertie. I haven’t gotten any calls from the motel, so I’m going to pray his issue is personal and in another parish, maybe even another state.”

“One can only hope,” I said.

We climbed into the SUV and Ida Belle looked in her rearview mirror at Gertie, shaking her head. “You left out the part of your story where you were naked in all those ‘dreams.’”

“He said ‘almost,’” Gertie argued. “I woke up in the bathtub with my undergarments on. How the heck was I supposed to know that was all I was wearing when I got there?”

“Because the clothes you left the house wearing weren’t on your body or in your house the next day?” I suggested.

“I was never one for logic problems,” Gertie said.

Ida Belle threw her arms up. “Then how about because you’re supposed to know what you’re doing when you’re awake? You’re not supposed to be wandering the neighborhood in your skivvies killing bushes and frightening people with your itchy butt.”

“It didn’t itch until this morning.”

The look of dismay on Ida Belle’s face almost matched Carter’s, and I couldn’t help but laugh. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want to see skivvies or butt-scratching either, but if that was the worst thing I was going to hear today, I’d be thrilled.

But given the absolute panic in Shadow’s voice, I had my doubts.

Shadow Chaser must have been watching from the office window because he bolted out the door like a well-tipped valet at an expensive resort as soon as we pulled in. He flung the passenger door open and started motioning like we were about to miss last call for the champagne brunch.

We headed inside and took seats in the old metal chairs in what served as the lobby, which wasn’t much bigger than an average bathroom. Shadow Chaser paced the length of the room—three steps one way then three steps the other, brushing our knees every time he passed—until Ida Belle held her hand up to stop him.

“If you pivot and pace one more time,” she said, “I’m just going to stick out a foot and let you eat that wall.”

“Why don’t you tell us what happened,” I said.

“Don’t you think I’m trying? There’s just so much, I don’t even know where to start. And it’s all important and it all needs fixing and Oh. My. God. How is this happening?”

Gertie pulled a lunch bag out of her purse, and I marveled at how absolutely nothing got in the way of her appetite. But then she dumped the sandwich in her lap and thrust the bag at Shadow Chaser.

“Breath in that before you pass out,” she said.

Shadow grabbed the bag and started huffing in it, likely making everything worse. I checked the weather on my phone, and Ida Belle pulled out her pocketknife and started cleaning her fingernails. Gertie, figuring she wasn’t going to get her bag back anytime soon, and likely wouldn’t want it after all that huffing, started eating her sandwich. I really hoped he got a grip by lunchtime because my breakfast was already wearing off and I had made it a policy to avoid food from Gertie’s purse ever since she started getting some of her ‘groceries’ at Nora’s.

Finally, he lowered the bag and started blabbering.

“So there’s this dead guy and they’re saying it’s accidental but that can’t be because then it would be my great-uncle’s fault and there’s no way he made that kind of mistake. And he and my aunt can’t afford bad press because this is their only way of making it and it was all my idea so it’s all my fault, so you have to fix it.”

I waited for something more—like an actual description of the problem—but Shadow just stared at me, wearing an expectant look.

I glanced at Ida Belle and Gertie, who both shrugged.

“I’m going to need a little more information,” I said. “Real information. Starting with, who is the dead guy?”

“I don’t know. Some guy.”

“Okay, let’s try again. Who are your aunt and uncle, and how do they know the dead guy?”

“They don’t know him. Aunt Petunia and Uncle Corndog have a B and B. The dead guy rented a room along with some of his friends. They’re having a class reunion or something like that and met up early. He died night before last and they found him yesterday, but my aunt and uncle didn’t tell me about it until this morning, and now I’m freaking out.”

Finally, we were getting somewhere.

“How did the customer die?”

He glanced away. “Sort of natural causes.”

“I catch killers. If you’re trying to catch natural causes, you need the medical examiner or a doctor, but I have a feeling you already knew that.”

He blew out a breath. “They said he had an allergic reaction to something he ate the night before and suffocated.”

“So anaphylactic shock. What was he allergic to?”

“Peanuts. And they’re saying that my uncle used peanut oil to fry the fish he served that night, but there’s no way he would have made that kind of mistake. My aunt and uncle knew he had a peanut allergy and Corndog knows how serious it is because his mother had one.”

Thing started to fall into place.

“Are the police saying they’re going to press charges?”

“No. I think they’re going with it being a horrible accident for the moment, but what if that changes? What if the dead guy’s family sues? They don’t have any money. Why do you think they’ve been seeing after strangers in their own home? They even gave up their bedroom and moved into the servants’ room off the kitchen just to make more profit. They’d slept in that room for over forty years.”

Shadow was now on the verge of tears, and I really didn’t want to see a grown man cry. Not even a wimpy one.

“Where do your aunt and uncle live?” I asked.

He handed me a brochure and my eyes widened. “The Voodoo Island Inn—a haunted B and B experience.”

Gertie perked up. “Your aunt and uncle own the house on Voodoo Island? That’s awesome.”

“Not at the moment, it isn’t,” Shadow said. “Even if no one sues, the bad publicity will kill their business, and without the business, they can’t afford to keep the house. Everything has gotten so expensive, and they don’t have much left except the house. That’s why I suggested they convert it into a B and B. I figured at least that way they’d make enough to cover their expenses and they could still live there. ”

I frowned and looked down at the brochure again. “It says here that 100 years ago, five people were killed in the house by an axe murderer. Seems to me that a peanut death pales in comparison.”

“That’s just for advertisement,” he said. “You know, to create atmosphere?”

“What atmosphere is that creating?” I asked. “The don’t-take-a-shower kind?”

He blew out a breath. “Look. All rentals can’t indulge in the no-tell-motel business model and make a profit like this place does. And besides, I didn’t want those kind of people in the house with my aunt and uncle.”

“Criminals, people cheating on their spouses, or dead people? Because you got one of those for sure. Who knows, maybe all three.”

His eyes widened. “Are you saying someone killed him?”

“What if a ghost killed him?” Gertie asked.

“Then he’d need an exorcist,” I said. “Look, I’m saying I don’t know enough to say anything at all, but let’s play the guessing game for a moment. You said the customers were here for a reunion. Don’t sparks fly between old lovers at reunions? So maybe the dead guy decided to have a fling with one of his classmates, his spouse found out, murdered him, and pinned it on your uncle.”

“You think that’s what happened?”

I threw my hands in the air. “No. I don’t think that’s what happened. I don’t think anything at all because I barely know anything at all. I’m a detective, not a clairvoyant.”

He looked disappointed but finally nodded. “I know it’s not an attractive look, but I’m begging you to help. Even if my aunt and uncle avoid arrest or a courtroom, I don’t want them to get those insufferable sideways looks and the ‘bless your hearts’ and all the rest of the cold shoulder moves that the South is famous for. And I don’t want them cast out of their own home because of a foolish idea of mine that was meant to save it. So will you take the case?”

“The case to find out if there’s actually a case? Sure. I’ll ask some questions and see what I come up with.”

He grabbed my hands and started shaking them. “Thank you! I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you…or pay you, actually. Do you offer payment plans?”

I managed to extract my hands from his. “Don’t worry about it. Given all the trouble we’ve caused here, I figure I owe you.”

He grabbed my hands again, then sank onto his knees and started sobbing. About that time, the front door opened and Mannie walked in. He paused and raised one eyebrow.

“I’m not trying to tell you how to conduct your personal affairs, but I don’t think the sheriff will appreciate you proposing to his girlfriend.”

Shadow jumped up from the floor like it was on fire. “No, I wasn’t…I would never…”

Mannie smiled, which only seemed to scare him more. Maybe he wasn’t as big an idiot as I thought.

“I would hope not,” Mannie said.

“Shadow’s aunt and uncle are in a bind, and I’m going to look into it for him,” I said. “As a favor for all the times he’s helped me with cases.”

Mannie’s smile widened as he stared at his clearly flustered manager. “You’ve never told me you helped Fortune with her investigations. You’ll have to fill me in sometime.”

Shadow’s eyes widened and he paled. “I, absolutely, that would be great, I’ll pencil it in. If you’ll excuse me, I think I left my car door open.”

He practically sprinted out of the lobby .

“You know he’s scared when he’s running for daylight,” Gertie said.

Mannie nodded. “That and he doesn’t own a car.”

We all laughed.

“Moped?” I asked.

“Got it in one,” Mannie said. “This thing you’re looking into for him, let me know if you need any help. Despite the fact that he wants to flee every time he sees me, I kind of like the kid.”

I nodded. “He’s growing on me.”

“How’s Carter doing now that you put the Arms Committee in their place?”

“Much better. I think Kitts’s dying was a big weight off his shoulders. He can’t change the past, but at least it can’t happen again. Not with Kitts, anyway.”

Mannie nodded. “And hopefully Kitts was a lesson and they’ll be watching a little closer from now on.”

“Carter said the same thing.”

Gertie narrowed her eyes at Mannie. “Hey, how come you didn’t ask how any of us were doing?”

“Because the three of you probably enjoyed making them crazy.”

I laughed. “Busted. It was pretty spectacular. I’ll swing by soon and fill you and the Heberts in on everything. Sorry I haven’t been by already. I’ve been trying to detox from it all.”

Mannie gave me a single nod, and given his past as a Navy SEAL, I knew he understood exactly what I was saying.

“We better get going,” I said. “I need to talk to Shadow’s aunt and uncle and see if there’s anything we can do. And if he stays outside any longer, he won’t get rid of that sunburn until fall.”

Mannie gave us a wave and we headed out. Shadow must have been lurking in the breezeway because he hurried over as soon as we walked to the SUV.

“Is there anything I need to do?” he asked. “To help, I mean.”

I nodded. “What are your aunt and uncle’s names?”

“Aunt Petunia and Uncle Corndog.”

I stared. “I mean their real names.”

He looked confused. “That’s the only names I know.”

“Never mind. I’ll figure it out. Please call Petunia and Corndog and let them know we’re coming. I assume we’ll need a ride onto the island? Or is there a bridge?”

Ida Belle and Gertie both laughed.

“No bridge then,” I said. “So unless there’s a Water Uber out there, we’re going to need someone to pick us up. Text me contact information and I’ll call when we’re getting close.”

“Thank you,” he said. “Seriously. Thank you. I know I panic every time I see you drive into my parking lot and fear a lot for my life and my sanity, but you’re good at your job. I mean the investigating one, not whatever you did for the CIA. Please don’t CIA my family.”

“I’ll try to contain myself.”