10

Mabel

Little by little, I felt as if the darkness was being pulled away. It was as if the moment Andre had called me disgusting and walked away, I had been sitting in a large ballroom in complete darkness while slowly candles were lit.

Violetta was talking to me as I rested. I almost felt her comforting me. She explained that she was not being mean or hiding things from me, but they had not happened yet for her to tell me. She confirmed it was plague. She thought she was not overloading me by not scaring me but understood it made things worse.

It was plague coming by ship but hadn't… Blossomed yet? It hadn't come about naturally yet. She hoped it would not, but it did not look good. And it was not set where the ship would land first or if it would land multiple places. I understood better and thanked her for telling me. There could be a way to handle things better now that I understood.

For one, the country with the huge armada might be able to locate the ship and quarantine it while giving over the medicine. There were lots of options if we knew more.

Somewhere in the darkness clearing, I realized Andre was there with me, not just Ian. Had he come back? Did he learn the truth?

Did I care?

Yes. Yes, I did, and I loved him. I was wrong in how I told him, and it had to be horrible for him to learn what happened. I could not even imagine how devastated I would have felt if Ian and Andre had suddenly married.

Not that men could, but that was not the point.

The point was it would have been sudden. That would have made me ask what had happened. Andre never did.

Well, I hoped I would have had the presence of mind to ask.

I felt holy power touching me, and more of the darkness was peeled away… And I moved away from Andre.

The process was repeated over and over again, and then I could see a healer I knew checking me. I could trust him.

"It's not like how oils are distilled," I told him. "The flowers. They are too fragile for that. It's like how ale is brewed with fresh hops, but the temperature is much less. Just before a simmer. Light steam and the one with holy power must stir constantly."

His eyes flashed shock. "The goddess is still speaking to you while you rest?"

I nodded. "She's worried too many will die. I told her we need to know what ship the plague will start on. We could blockade it maybe before it even docks."

"Yes, that is smart. I will tell the kings." He raised my hand to his lips. "You are healing well, My Lady. Rest. You are on your way and out of danger."

"I will always be in danger," I said sadly. "My life is darkness."

"Life is hard or we do not deserve it. Those of us who are gifted suffer more. You are not alone in that. I suffered greatly to help many. I suffered, but it was worth it to be here to help save you so you could help save this world from plague, Countess. You have helped heal me, so I know my suffering was worth it now. Please do not take that from me by giving up."

His words might have sounded a bit harsh, but I understood what he meant. I truly did and squeezed his hand, thanking him.

I looked to my left and saw Ian, smiling at him. "I am starved. Can we take a bath and eat? I can draw the setup for the flowers. It has to be precise measurements and weights for it to work with the holy power. Probably not, but the goddess is precise."

"Whatever you want, lovely."

"I am sorry you suffered," I whispered when I saw the state he was in. "My brain injury made things worse, right? I did not realize that."

"We think so. Do you still feel…"

I frowned. "I feel sad and—everything was too much. Everything was too big and—I do not know."

"It's okay. You do not have to. I just thought to ask," he hurried to say. He gave some instructions to the maids and then we had our bath. The food was lovely, but it was breakfast food?

Was it not the next morning?

No. The answer was no. I had lost track of time and had no understanding of it in the darkness. I did not even remember the conversations I had, and I was lost.

When the last treatment happened, it was as if I realized I was not standing in a ballroom at all and my vision was actually restored. I was in Ian's sitting room. I blinked around and could not hide my shock. I ignored everyone and went over to the wall, swallowing loudly.

"What's wrong, Mabel?" Kathy asked gently. "Do not cry. They say you are healed now."

"I did not understand how injured I was," I rasped, moving my hand to my face. "My vision was even affected." I nodded when she flinched. "This is not the color I remember this room, and I have spent countless hours here. The color is so much brighter."

"That is understandable given how many times there has been swelling in your head," the healer said. "There could have been pressure on the nerves to your eyes and more. How your brain read images and your emotions. All of it, Countess."

I nodded and turned to him, doing a double take. "You are the King of Telrai's healer. Not King Gerald's."

Ian interjected. "You were a bit out of it, lovely. Give yourself a break. We made sure no one bad came around you. The king himself ordered his healer to give you the best treatment. He's been staying with us."

I could not hide my shock, listening how there was now about to be a treaty between our nations because they had had a real conversation. Thank the goddess for that.

I also learned it had been almost three weeks since the king had married us and everything had happened. I was terrified missing that much time and my business—all of it.

And especially Andre, but apparently he had come back that night to apologize. That did not make sense until I learned the king had gone to speak to him about what had happened.

It was a lot to take in, and I actually asked people to slow down and said that I was tired. Ian agreed but begged me not to give up. Kathy admitted later when we were alone that a lot of what I said was rather upsetting and made them all worried I would hurt myself if I was left alone.

I could not deny it, having been in such a dark place and so desolate. But now I knew part of that was how badly I'd been injured and the injuries piling up after the last time. I was still sad, scared, and worried, but I was not so hopeless.

And that was before I learned the king was making an exception to the laws for me so I retained all of my property even though I was married and my status as an adult. I was thrilled about that and was in a much better place mentally after hearing it.

My main concern was Ian. When I learned he had to immediately leave for the border to handle some bandits for this treaty I was worried.

He simply kissed me. "If you are doing better, that is all that matters. I actually need this to work out my aggression and emotions. I have been sitting still tending to you. So please, give me a week to be a beast and rage that this all has happened to us, that life was this mean to us. No fault of yours, and get this energy out. And then I will come back and we will plan our future."

"I love you. Please come back my Ian," I whispered.

"Even better, I will come back your husband," he said, searching my eyes as if to see how I accepted that.

"I will pick out your wedding band," I promised, swallowing down my reservations still. He had done everything for me, and even if I hadn't wanted to get married again, he deserved to be treated better.

"Thank you, lovely."

I watched him ride off, and Louisa gripped my hand tightly. "I do not want to add to your feelings or upset, but he went through hell and back while you were sick. That's how much he loves you. Truly loves you." She leaned in a bit. "And he was not the only one. Andre went through much to help the situation and help you."

I swallowed loudly, accepting that and still feeling weird calling the queen Louisa now, but she was my sister-in-law. "I will think on that and a lot while Ian is gone. For now, I have to distill the flower. We are running out of time."

It ended up being ridiculously simple. Distilling normal oils was complicated and with steam and pressure, but this was more like making a lukewarm tea. That was the part people would make mistakes on because it was not how things normally went.

Then it was left a long time to reduce, cool completely, and then add the rest of the ingredients to it cold. That was not how most medicines and tonics were made. It also took a month for the reactions to completely happen. The way Violetta explained it to me was like bread yeast and how bakers always had some they added to and "fed."

Same with cheese?

It was all beyond me which was why she had made such a point to explain it in detail. I was glad for that, but others understood it well, and that was the important part. But a hundred doses were ready before Ian returned and now just had to sit in a dark, cool place for a month to… Culture?

The good news was once they did, the medicine did not go bad as long as it was kept in the right conditions, so if this plague came about again, the other kingdoms could be ready. The queen suggested working with the sketch artist to draw people afflicted with the symptoms I saw.

It was horrible, and the sketch artist looked green after every session, but we agreed it was worth it if we could save lives.

We simply needed to space it out.

Ian took over two weeks to handle the situation at the border, which was double what was expected, so I was nervous. Andre was losing patience as well because I made it clear we weren't going to talk about what happened until Ian came back. He was just as much a part of the situation as I was.

That seemed fair even if a bit harsh.

Ian could not hide his surprise when I was waiting for him and his troops at his estate when they arrived instead of being in the capital. I had everything ready for his people and a feast prepared when it was confirmed they were getting close.

He hopped off his horse and cupped my face. "We did not lose a single person. It's done. The king came himself to see the results and should already be to Gerlad to sign the treaty." He gave me a soft kiss. "All because you started the path to make the idiots talk instead of fight. You saved so many lives and kept us from war, Mabel. You are a miracle."

I flushed so hot I could have warmed the castle all winter. "You did well too. Everyone did. I have everything prepared so they can feast and rest. I have medicine, and the ten priests came with to—"

"What?" he gasped.

I beamed at him. "The king took over several temples while you were gone. We cleaned them out. All of the priests the goddess cleared are under my direction for now. The rest were tossed to the Holy Empire and their citizenship revoked. The nobility is even on our side. For all of their faults, they did not like the Holy Empire having power over them either."

"They will think they can control you easier," he grumbled.

"The problem to handle later," I accepted. "But the good priests the goddess approves of will be working through every police station and healing old wounds and the army. That is what the king and I agreed on. And from there, we will hopefully find the right person to become the Minister of Temples and Holy Power."

"I am glad progress was made. Good work." He gave me another kiss before we went inside and I washed him.

And yes, we made love.

A lot.

But something was missing… Someone.

"Are you ready to forgive him?" Ian asked after the banquet and he'd had a bit too much to drink with his men.

"Are you?" I asked gently.

He bobbed his head. "I saw how crushed he was at your pain. He was just as destroyed as I was and did as much to help. He fucked up, lovely. He fucked up bad, but in a moment of—we should have handled it better."

"I should have," I corrected.

"No, we should have. We did not even discuss what to do. I was too shaken. My mind was… We should have handled it better, and I am the reason he acted as he did. I abandoned him before. So yes, I forgive him. Can you?"

"Yes, but I feel…"

"I know." He kissed my shoulder. "Let's go home and get our man back, yeah?"

I nodded, hesitant but missing Andre as well.

So we did. The priests would stay and go over all of Ian's army and take their time to heal them as well and then be escorted back to the capital. On the ride back to the capital, I told Ian about the idea one priest had that the temples should have shops to sell my medicines.

Now that they would not make money for the Holy Empire it could work. It could even make them income. I could pay rent for a storefront. They could mix medicines there in between prayer services. There would have to be oversight, but now that the priests could help at the hospitals without the pope getting in the way… It had potential.

And jobs for non-priests which I thought to be important so the temples could never become what they were.

Plus, the big change?

Women would become priests as well. I was proof women had holy power. Was it rarer in women?

We actually did not know, but the temple did not acknowledge that women did besides the saint because a saint was always female and how the religion started. So the popes could not have their power based on the religion and lie about the saints.

"Part of me wants to ask the goddess for a list of people who have holy power or a way to find them," I admitted. "Find all the women who have holy power and maybe the king could give them an exception too or I could give them jobs for a better life."

"Not yet," Ian said after a moment. "Let's get more in place. If we do not have the spots for them or the jobs ready, some could be in bad spots and be used or abused when it's revealed they have such value."

I nodded, that was what I worried about as well.

Always.

I had a while to think about what I wanted to say and where my heart was before we arrived back in the capital and it was time to sit down with Andre for dinner. I could feel he was on edge and honestly, things had dragged out enough.

"I think the only thing I need from you is a promise that you will never jump to the worst-case scenario in your mind again and condemn me before listening to the full story again," I said bluntly. "You knew a lot was happening and things were tense. I had shown you how much I loved you, and I do not think anything in my character should have said I would betray you."

"No, but a marriage changes everything and means you are married and I am out."

"You assumed—" I argued.

"By definition, I am now your affair, Mabel," he whispered sadly. "Both of you. To the goddess even, I am your extramarital affair. We all agreed to be lovers, and you two unilaterally changed it without discussing it with me."

"Yes, and you have every right to be upset, hurt, and yell," I accepted. "You still can. I would have accepted it that night. But you did not even listen, hurled the most hurtful words, and assumed we were ending things with you. None of that was true before you walked away from us. Even worse, you punched Ian, I was genuinely afraid of you, and you spat at us basically."

"I was—"

"I understand where you were and where your head was. I am saying your response and how you handled it was unacceptable. For me. For me to consider continuing this relationship and even try to work out what happened." I swallowed loudly when they both blinked at me, and then tears filled Andre's eyes and he looked away.

"You are saying if he does that again, right, lovely?" Ian checked.

"Yes," I clarified, thinking I had said that, but maybe it was not clear. "I need to know I can tell you difficult things, even if I do it badly, and you will not turn to violence and intentionally hurting me. That is not… Ian asked you to listen to us. I said things went badly and we were cornered."

"I was going to suggest we get a wedding band to match for him, and he can wear it on his other hand," Ian muttered. "That way we are all married to the goddess and each other. Since we had to. That way it's all of us equal."

"I was going to suggest the same that night," I admitted.

"Not anymore?" Andre choked out.

"You have not said you will not behave like that again," I answered and stood. "And you both are shocked at what I am saying. I find that shocking." I went to leave, but Andre trapped me against the door, burying his face against my hair.

"Please, do not leave. You are right, I shouldn't have left that night. None of us should leave. That should be the rule."

"Time-outs only," Ian agreed. "And we call them. No one leaves. If we get through this, that's the rule. We can call a time-out, but we come back and know we will come back promptly and not hurt each other. I do it too."

"I can agree to that," I whispered, but pulled away from Andre. "Is it really shocking I would not like violence?"

"No," they said together.

"Good."

"And we need to promise to listen to each other, yes, you are right," Andre said gently. "I was wrong. I was… I will try to never behave like that again." He knelt at my feet and shook his head when I frowned. "Darling, I was not in a good place either. We all have been through too much. You are the saint, but this has worn on all of us. I have been through hell too.

"It looked like—I handled it all badly, and I will try to never do that again. I will have the faith in you that you deserve. I am not perfect. I think that is what we were shocked at. You are normally more understanding and can see how we suffer as well."

"Yes, well, that was before you intentionally hurt Ian and me and almost completely broke us," I rasped, looking away. "That is the part that—even if we messed up—I have thought Ian had done worse and never did I call him disgusting, Andre. You wanted to wound us, and it nearly broke my already injured mind. Ian was a shell of himself when I came to my senses."

"You went too far in your pain," Ian agreed.

"I did. I wanted you both to hurt the way I did, and I am ashamed of myself and how I behaved. There is no excuse or reason for me to be cruel, and I do not like that I did that. I do not ever want to do that again."

I studied his eyes and nodded. "That was what you have not said and I needed you to acknowledge. Everything else aside, I have never intentionally wanted to or would hurt either of you. That's cruel, and I do not want my heart with someone cruel."

He swallowed loudly and nodded, understanding that it was something he needed to fix with me. I had no idea how, but… Such was life.