11

Ian

"Tell me everything," I instructed James as I stormed back to my carriage, barking out to take me to the palace.

There wasn't really much to tell me besides what was sent in the messages I'd already received. Mostly just his personal assessment and thoughts of the situation. The details of how pale and shaken Mabel had been as she stepped out of the room with a deep cut on her neck that hadn't been tended to with blood all over her dress.

That she'd been shaking and barely made it back to the carriage, and the moment she had, she'd started quietly crying. It had broken all of the knights' hearts, but she wouldn't tell them specifically what had happened. Whitney had only been able to overhear a bit of what Mabel had told Andre and knew that it was bad enough that Andre had wanted to go to the palace.

And Andre was never stupid. He might lose his temper and explode, but he never made stupid moves like that, so it had to be more than just that it involved Mabel, and my cousin had finally gone over the line into insanity.

Either Gerald was smart enough to warn people that I was coming or whatever was on my face told the guards I would flatten them if they dared to confront me because no one tried to even intercept me. I didn't even knock before I burst into Gerald's meeting room, glancing around at who was in there first.

That was the only favor I would bother to do him and not make a mess for myself later.

"Get out," I ordered the ten people sitting there.

Gerald sighed and nodded they could leave.

Louisa must have received word that I had arrived because she came in through a different door only palace personnel had access to. She gave me a worried look and glanced between us.

"He went too far this time, Louisa," I told her, trying to make it clear that she couldn't interfere this time.

"I agree," she whispered, clearing her throat when I looked at her. "I have reopened the queen's palace. But please do not kill him."

I couldn't hide my shock. That was a huge move for her to make, and it would be all over the kingdom by the end of the week that she'd done it. My grandmother had closed that palace decades ago and made it clear that it wasn't needed unless there was a problem in the marriage of the monarchs.

Which Louisa was saying now.

I shook myself out of what I was feeling and glanced between them before landing on Gerald. "I cannot promise you that this time. I think he's finally lost his fucking mind."

Gerald slammed his hands on the table as he stood. "Do not speak to me like—"

I grabbed the table and flipped it in one easy move. It was a huge meeting table and weighed a lot, and I was so pissed that I flipped it easily, breaking it in half because the weight was too much to take on its side. "Now is not the time for your ego and bullshit, Gerald. What did you do to Mabel?"

I was across the room to him and fisting his jacket when he didn't answer.

"Why will she not see me and ended things with us because of you?" I roared in his face. I shoved him away before my hawk changed my hand to a talon and took a swipe at him. He went flying into the wall and couldn't hide his shock that I'd been so violent with him.

It pissed me off even more that he didn't respond and I moved towards him, but suddenly Louisa was in my path.

"It was my fault too," she choked out. "I did not understand what was going on. I did not know Gerald wanted to out her. I did not protect her like I promised."

"What?" I seethed, staring down Gerald. "You tried to out her?"

"It's going to come out," Gerald snapped. "We all know it, and it's foolish to try and keep it quiet! It gives everyone else the upper hand—"

"That's not your choice!" Louisa and I shouted together. She let out a slow breath and moved her hand to my chest to keep me from going after her husband. "I outed her that day to those people. I did not mean to. I was—everything exploded. She got caught in a lie, and people reacted to protect us. And then she was so scared and—"

I let out a slow breath and moved my hand over hers. "Calm yourself and tell me. I need to know or I cannot fix this."

The look of pity she gave me gutted me. It was clear that Louisa thought there was no chance for the rift to be fixed.

There was no chance for me to get Mabel back.

I stumbled away from her and plopped down on one of the chairs still upright. "What happened? Why did you take my chance at happiness away from me?" I looked at them both and did not hide my tears or how destroyed I was. "Why? What have I ever done to deserve that? Why is what you selfishly want so much more important than what I need? I told you I need her."

Louisa started crying as well and told me what happened. How the guards jumped to protect them, and because they didn't know she was the saint, they assumed Gerald was desperate enough to go to a mage for help. That they'd heard the doctor talking about the plan being stupid because he didn't know either, and the guards agreed to watch over Mabel to protect the queen.

So they weren't remotely careful with her and cut her neck, probably her side as well.

"And you did not even care enough to treat her?" I choked out. I glanced between them when they seemed confused. "She came to the door with a bandage on her neck."

"I genuinely thought she would just heal herself as a saint," Gerald muttered, already on his feet and rubbing his shoulder. "It never occurred to me."

I jumped to my feet and started towards him, but Louisa stopped me. "Because you are a selfish fucking asshole! Healers train, Gerald! Who would have trained her to heal? If she could heal herself, she would not have had a body full of fucking scars, you dolt!"

"I was concerned for her, and I did not think of it either," Louisa admitted quietly. "I was worried for her fear and mental state. I just wanted to get her out of the palace so she could stop being scared. That was clearly what she wanted."

"So you let her walk out of here in a bloodstained dress for all to see like she's your undisciplined fucking pet." I couldn't even tone it back when Louisa flinched. I was upset with her too.

"I was scared and upset—I have no excuse," she accepted. "I handled it all badly. I should have done better." She let out a slow breath and met my gaze. "I have no excuse. I will try to make amends."

I let out a slow breath, reading between the lines. "But?"

"But my mind was a haze when I realized Gerald had lied to me about what happened with Commander Lessa after the war."

I flinched. Mabel had mentioned that as well. I ground my jaw and met Gerald's gaze. "What did you do? You told me—"

"Us," Louisa corrected.

"Us," I agreed. "You told us that someone who supported you wanted Andre to marry his daughter. That would make him a count, and then a marquis one day, but if he did not accept, you would make him a count." I bared my teeth at him when he didn't answer. "You told me that he turned it all down. What happened, Gerald?"

I was around Louisa in a flash, but Gerald was ready this time, shoving me away and flying to the other side of the room from me so we didn't fight.

"He was no one before the war," Gerald snapped. "He spat in my face at the offer of the marriage. He dared to look down on me and say he was disappointed that he helped win the war for a king who would treat a warrior no better than a trophy and a stud horse for fools."

Louisa snorted. "As he should have. We both said the same and the offer was insulting. You said maybe so, but it was still an offer and you should present it. The problem here, my love, is you lied to both of us. You said he denied both offers. You never offered the rest because of your damn pride."

"No, because of his," Gerald snapped. "Because of—"

He didn't even see me coming. I hit him with everything I had, blood spurting from his face bad enough that Louisa shrieked and hurried over to him.

I let out a pained roar as I sank to my knees.

"Leave immediately and do not let anyone enter!" Louisa yelled. "Now! Disobey me and it will be your heads."

When I started to calm down, I stared at Gerald with the hate I now felt for him. Undoubtedly, he and Louisa understood that was what was in my heart now. "I should kill you. I want to kill you."

"I understand your upset after he saved your life, Ian," Louisa whispered, her voice shaky as she tried to move as if she had a chance to protect Gerald. "And it's horrible because you were best friends, but—"

"We were lovers," I choked out, nodding when she couldn't hide her shock. "I loved him. I will always love Andre." I let out another pained scream. "We were best friends, but we became lovers." I slammed my fists to the floor, not caring how much they hurt or that I was ruining the tiles they would have to explain later. "I ended things for my family!

"For you, you selfish asshole. I realized that I was not strong enough and things were too shaky that my being in a relationship with a man would be too much for your rule to bear. Especially a commoner. So I ended it. He understood. He forgave me for making promises I could not keep.

"And then he saved my life not knowing I was not human." I couldn't even see them I was crying so much at that point. "I maybe could have healed from what happened, but he did not know that. He saved me thinking he would probably die. They could not heal him fully. He still suffers every day from that wound.

"After I broke his heart and did not listen to him. I trust you, Gerald. I thought—all these years he brought up his rank I thought… I fucking trusted you. I gave up everything for you. And you took away the friendship we might have had, instead giving me years of pain working with him while he hates me. And now you have taken Mabel from me. My one last chance to be happy!"

I couldn't hold in my fit of rage after that. I didn't go after Gerald, instead destroying his meeting room, anything valuable in it was ruined.

Completely and utterly destroyed, and I had no idea how he would explain it.

I did not fucking care either.

I stood and wiped my eyes before letting out a long shaky breath. "You will fix this, Gerald, or I will take over." I ignored Louisa gasping and then her whimpers, keeping my cousin's gaze. "This is not even because it's personal."

"No?" he challenged, but then his animal must have done something because he lost the anger and seemed confused.

"No, because if you stay the man who would screw over the best friend of your cousin, the man who saved my life because of your pride and then could lie to Louisa and me, you are not fit to rule Grandfather's kingdom. The man who went against what the saint who was chosen by the goddess wanted because he's selfish is not fit to rule Grandfather's kingdom.

"Yes, it might eventually come out, but you are not a fucking god and do not get to decide that. If you cannot understand both of those points, especially when you knew I was falling in love with her, you are not fit to sit on Grandfather's throne. Not when he lived by the law that we do not betray each other even over the monarchy!"

Gerald flinched and went a bit pale, realizing that this wasn't simply my temper, but that I was deadly serious.

"You have gone too far if even Louisa cannot defend you because she forgives you too much, too often. I have forgiven you too much, but no more. You have taken too much and not for the benefit of the kingdom. Because you are selfish. You have no idea how he has suffered because you left him in that position without a fucking title!"

"I agree," Louisa rasped, covering her face as if accepting her part in all of this and letting Gerald go unchecked for too long.

"And you made me party to it," I roared, loud enough that the windows rattled. I let out a slow breath and tried to get myself under control. "You will make him a marquis and correct this mistake."

"I cannot—"

"This is not a debate!" I bellowed, struggling to not go for him again. "It's not, Gerald. He's talking about quitting." I nodded when both Gerald and Louisa flinched. "I heard it from my knights but did not understand, and now I do not fucking blame him. He's had offers from other kingdoms, our allies, to receive that title and clean up their borderlands."

"The nobles that oppose you would never stop laughing or bringing that up if that happened," Louisa whispered in horror.

"But he did not. He stayed and had faith in you that you would move on from the ‘insult' and do what was best for the kingdom." I rubbed my chest. "Or I would actually listen to him instead of trusting you." I couldn't even look at Gerald without my hate for him burning. "And you will protect Mabel and leave her alone. Grandfather would be so disappointed."

"He would. I agree with Ian," Louisa said. I heard the rustle of skirts and realized that she'd stood up and moved away from Gerald, shocking both of us. But then I realized she knew I wouldn't hurt him and wanted to make it clear she wasn't on his side of this. "And I will leave you if you do not make this right. You lied to me about the commander and promised to protect Mabel."

And then she left. When she did, I kicked him in the stomach hard enough that he coughed up blood.

"Good job, you dolt. You have ruined both of our happiness with your selfishness. Fix it and do better going forward or you do not understand how fast I will take you out." I squatted down in front of him and let him see the power in my eyes that I'd been holding back. "I never wanted this, but I will not let you ruin Grandfather's kingdom."

I left and told the guards to give the king time to gather himself and figure out how to explain everything. Let Gerald clean up his own mess even if I'd physically done it.

He deserved no less.

The ride back to my house, all I could think of was how badly I'd wronged Andre. I couldn't even say… There was no excuse. The moment I was inside, I told my butler to dismiss everyone for the night and I would reheat my dinner later on my own. Then I went up to my balcony and changed forms.

I flew right to Andre's house. He knew I could use magic to travel, and I'd done it a lot when we'd been separated by war. He didn't know specifics but… Now wasn't the time for logic or—I had to apologize.

He deserved that much from me.

I landed on the balcony outside his bedroom and shifted back, not even knocking or caring what he was doing. Opening the door, I walked right in and was ready for him to tear off my head or rightfully yell at me for being a spoiled prince or acting like I owned the place.

I deserved any and all of it.

Nothing hurt more than to see him rubbing lotion on his bad knee—the injury he got from saving me.

I dropped to my knees before him and lowered my head. "I did not know. I swear I did not know. Gerald lied to Louisa and me. You get so mad at me and yell, and I cannot—I do not hear anything you say. Your anger—I cannot take that your love for me turned into such hate. It hurts when I still have love for you and I did this to us.

"And all I hear is my blood in my ears. He promised me that—he swore—I told him you would never accept the marriage and it was insulting. Louisa agreed. He said it was still an offer to you and it was not fair for us to shoot it down for you either. Fine, but he was—he said you turned it down. I would not have—I would not have let him offer you nothing when I love you."

He let out a sigh when I started silently sobbing. "I forgot how worked up you get when you finally break your armor and let out your feelings."

I tried to tell him that I was sorry, but it came out as blubbering, and finally he just patted my head and told me to calm down. It took several minutes and then I tried to mop up my face, giving a wince at how badly I messed up the apology. "I beat up Gerald. I made a huge mess. Louisa might leave him."

"Well, not to add to your breakdown, but I did not tell Mabel we were lovers because I swore I would never tell anyone ever," he muttered. "But you just did."

My eyes went wide, and I slowly looked over to where he nodded and practically felt all the blood leave my face when I saw her sitting on the sofa in his bedroom.

And then pain shot through my chest when I saw what she was wearing. She was wearing a nightdress.

In his bedroom.

I focused back on the floor in front of me and tried to remember how to breathe. The only two people I'd ever really loved were together and I was alone. Totally alone and no one loved me, not even my only family left because Gerald had taken all of this from me.

And I'd let him.

"No, you will not kill your cousin," Andre said with a sigh.

I shook my head. "I told him I would if he did not give you the title he promised me he would and protect Mabel like he swore to me. I told him I would kill him and take over. Louisa said she would leave him and support me." I wasn't sure exactly about that last part, but she didn't stop me, so that was sort of the same thing.

"Also, we have not had sex," Andre said gently, nodding when my head shot up and I looked at him. He sighed when I just stared at him. "I know you, Ian. I cannot—it's too cruel to let you think that. We are not there yet. We have both been upset and—we are just sleeping together."

"I could not sleep without taking something after what happened at the palace, and I have trouble waking back up," Mabel said quietly. "So Andre has been sneaking over but—it's silly. We are adults and my guards will not talk."

She was way too trusting because there were a lot of people who would want that information. Then again, they were all my people or Andre's, and they knew we'd make them disappear if they hurt Mabel.

"Now that you know that, slow down and tell us what happened and I will try and believe you," Andre said an edge to his voice like he couldn't see that happening.

And anger.

I internally flinched.

Mabel sighed. "Andre, he shuts down when you get mad. That's clearly the disconnect here. You have to stay calm with him."

I swallowed loudly and looked at her, silently asking her how she knew that. I must have said it in my rambling, right?

She gave me a sad smile. "A victim recognizes a victim. A marchioness told me that once at a ball and showed me her bruises. She understood why I behaved as I did and did not assume I was an idiot who did not have a mind of my own besides my—David's. She knew I was being hurt."

I stood and paced a bit before stopping and crossing my arms over my chest. "Yes, my father. It wasn't so much the physical, but he was—everything was always an explosion. Uncle too. Gerald blasted me until I came back from war and was bigger than him. I do not…" I looked at Mabel hoping she could help me articulate what was in my heart.

She did. "It's the hate from someone you want love from." She nodded when I did. "I used to feel the same with my father and brothers. I just shut down and was a doll. I did so much for them, but I still failed. I still was not enough. So I was obedient."

"It's not the same for me," I admitted. "I simply block it out. It was always so much noise, and I was never going to do what Father wanted. The decision was made. Grandfather chose Uncle. He was the best option. It was done. Now I just…"

Andre was quiet for several of the longest minutes of my life. "I will stay calm if you also promise me a real meeting for work. This is about more than us and personal, Ian. I have tried time and time again to tell you—"

"I am sorry," I whispered. "You'd get so upset about the difference in our station, and I thought you were reminding me why I left you and using it against me. But it was because we were men and not you being a commoner. I thought you turned down the title because you hated the nobility or a count was not enough after what I put you through and—"

"You can sort this out later," Mabel interjected, clearly the right person to help us with this. "What's happened now at the palace?"

I let out a slow breath and told them both, staring at the floor as I did.

"Oh, Ian!" Mabel gasped in horror when I said I punched Gerald's face.

Andre snickered. "The king will heal." Mabel started to argue and I realized my mistake. "No, Mabel, it's fine, the royal family is not human." He was staring at me when my head snapped up. "No more secrets, Ian. You are not human and Mabel is a saint. I am the only normal one here."

I swallowed loudly, never having spoken about it with someone not from my family. "You knew? When?"

He gave a half shrug. "A couple of months before we ended. ‘Magic' could only explain so much. You would come to me from over long distances and—you knew I knew there was more to you. I saw you change forms a few times when you had to go and you thought I was still sleeping. I never cared."

"Change forms?" Mabel whispered.

"I am a shapeshifter," I said quietly, worried about her reaction. "Anyone of the royal bloodline is. The animal is different for each of us. Grandfather was a leopard. My father a fox. I turn into a hawk."

"The king?" she asked.

I rubbed my neck. "I am uncomfortable answering that."

"I actually find that very honorable of you," she said after a few moments. "Especially after all he's done to you. I apologize if I went over the line."

I looked at her then and was floored to see she was only curious. "No, of course not. I fully understand and would want to know too. It's just—we believe the animal is decided by the goddess and more personal than just being born this way. So… It's not my secret to tell."

Andre snorted. "If only the king was half as honorable as you then all of us could have suffered so much less. Trying to out Mabel is unforgivable, Ian."

"I agree," I whispered, still focused on Mabel. "Can I show you so you are not scared?"

She beamed at me, something I feared I would never see from here again. "I am not afraid of you, Ian. Not at all. I knew you were different because of your sparkles. It actually makes perfect sense. You have two sets of sparkles. One for you, Ian the man, and one for your hawk. It's—I am so glad to understand now."

I nodded and took that as she wanted to see, transforming for them right there before I lost my nerve. I didn't want to startle them by flying inside, so I just stood there awkwardly.

"Breathtaking," Andre whispered.

My head snapped to look at him and he was staring at me in awe.

Could hawks blush?

Mabel slowly came over to me and knelt on the floor. "You can understand me?" She giggled when I nodded. "This is amazing." She cleared her throat and twisted her hands together. "Is it rude to ask to pet you?"

I hopped up onto her, glad when she sat, and then I basically laid down to say she could do whatever she wanted to me.

Andre snorted. "Flirt. You were always such a fucking flirt."

He wasn't wrong, but when I saw a bit of jealousy in his eyes, I had hope.

Because he wasn't jealous that I was on Mabel's lap.

He was jealous that Mabel was petting me.