Chapter 13

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

LUNA

A s I lay in bed in the early morning hours the day after the funeral, watching Drake sleep, images of his mother’s face as they’d lowered Harold’s casket into the ground haunted me. I wasn’t privy to the inner workings for Drake’s parents’ relationship, of course, but I did know they’d had a dynamic of some sort and were no strangers to the lifestyle. I couldn’t imagine that kind of pain. In the short time since we’d made it official, Drake had become everything to me—even more than he already had been. The idea that if we stayed together, I’d someday maybe have to deal with losing him terrified me and just added another item to my list of reasons I’d avoided relationships.

We’d had one almost perfect day before everything had blown up in our faces. And I wasn’t feeling any kind of way about it—I understood that that was just the way life was sometimes, but after almost a week of being around constant grief, I was wrought out, overwhelmed and feeling like I was about to crawl out of my skin. I’d have given anything to have a class to escape to or some homework to do, but it was winter break. Rolling over, I picked up my phone off the nightstand and glanced at the time. Four a.m. I didn’t know where to go, but I knew I couldn’t be in this apartment any longer. The air was too heavy, the grief too great, and the reminders that everything could change in an instant were all I could think about. I’d be back… I wasn’t giving up, at least I didn’t think I was. I just needed some space, some time alone, a chance to breathe and work through the dark thoughts currently invading my brain.

Suddenly the bed felt too small, and I slowly rolled out of it, careful not to wake Drake. I dressed in a pair of sweats and t-shirt, shoved my feet into boots, threw on a hoodie, and slowly made my way to the front door to make the trek back to my suite at the main Ranch building.

Time and space and the comfort of my own suite didn’t help, especially since I had to be quiet so as not to wake Mia. The thoughts were too loud, I couldn’t get away from them. So I did what I did whenever I couldn’t sleep: I went for a run. A long one around the lake, and I didn’t time myself or try to rush. I took my time, savoring the chilly morning air, admiring the light dusting of snow on the trees and the sheen of ice atop the lake’s surface. I listened to music and just let the time pass. By the time I got back up to my suite the second time, Mia was already off to work. After taking a shower with my music blaring and screaming into a pillow a few times, I dressed in my usual plaid pleated skirt and black button-down top. After adding some knee socks and my signature combat boots along with a coat and gloves, I took the elevator down to the first level, then walked out the doors and made my way to Rawhide University. I still felt like I was seconds away from exploding, but I was really hoping that getting to the Library, which was open during the break, would give me something to keep my brain busy.

As I slid into a chair with a book on human relationships, Jenna nudged me in the side. “Hey,” she whispered. “I was so sorry to hear about Drake’s dad. How’s he doing?”

I grimaced. Even when I was getting away from it, I couldn't get away from it. “About as well as can be expected,” I answered. It was a really dumb question and it made me instantly annoyed.

But I knew it wasn’t Jenna’s fault. The truth was, watching Hettie grieve had my thoughts wandering into old self-destructive thought patterns. Her heartbreak was so raw, so tangible, so palpable, it sometimes seemed like it was the only thing in the room. And I didn’t fault her for it. No, I understood. I knew what she’d lost. I knew it intimately. I couldn’t imagine being in her spot, losing Drake, whether it was tomorrow or fifty years from now. The pain would break me. I was sure I’d never recover, just like I was sure Drake’s mom wouldn’t. How could she?

I shook my head at Jenna and sucked in air, trying with all I was worth not to start crying again as I focused my attention on the book and tried my best to follow along.

But as I walked out of the room an hour later, I realized I hadn’t absorbed a single word. I couldn’t even have said what the book was about. Fuck.

There was no way I could study as I’d planned. I found myself turning and rushing down the hallway, and out the front doors of the University. Instead of heading back to Drake’s apartment, I made a beeline for the main entrance to the lodge.

I kept my head down when I entered, not in the mood to see anyone or engage in friendly conversation, and rushed to the elevators that I rode to the third floor where my submissives’ suite was.

I kept my head down and all but ran to my room, thankful that all of my suitemates would be working around the Ranch at this time of day and I would have the place to myself still. Despite sharing it, my suite had always been my sanctuary.

Today, when I looked around at the fluffy black bedding, pink throw pillows, and band posters adorning the wall, along with photos of all my friends here at the Ranch, I was filled with emptiness.

Drake had said he wanted me moving in with him. I wasn’t even supposed to have come back here except to pack my things. I was supposed to let Master Derek know I’d be moving out of my room. But that had been before our world imploded.

Did Drake even still want me? Did he still feel the same way? Even more importantly, did I?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck . Tears pricked my eyes and I felt myself falling down the fear spiral I’d been staving off for days.

The one that whispered desperately, What if something happened to Drake? You wouldn’t be able to handle the pain. It will break you. It’s not worth it because eventually, someday, you’ll lose him.

The one that made me want to run as far away as I could in the opposite direction. The selfish one that wanted nothing more to do with Drake’s pain and even less to do with his mom’s. I hated myself for it.

Running was my worst habit. A coping mechanism I employed far too often even though I knew better.

As panic gripped my chest, the voice in my head screamed at me to do just that. Run! Run!

Fuck. I sank onto my bed and let all the things I’d learned in Psych 101 seep into my brain, overriding the voice.

Coping mechanisms. I needed to find some. I ran through them in my head. A hot shower or bath. No. A long walk to clear my head. In December, in Montana? No. Besides, I’d already done a version of that when I’d run. I could… scream into a pillow. That wouldn’t help. Not long term. I could do a craft or redecorate my room. I shook my head. Everything felt too exhausting.

I could… call a friend. Normally, I’d call Drake. But he wasn’t my only option. Sensibly I knew that.

My only other real option was teaching a class of her own right now, probably. Even with the University on break, the education classes were still going on, and Maureen might be teaching one. Was she? I squinted, staring into space as I tried to recall Maureen’s schedule. In the end, I couldn’t.

I pulled out my phone and shot off a quick text because it felt like it was the only semi-productive thing I actually could do in the moment. For a split second I considered asking her to meet me in the Dungeon, and any other time I totally would have. A good session felt like just what I needed at the moment, but Drake…

I’d promised him I wouldn’t play with others without permission, and though I was certain that Maureen would be an automatic “yes” from him, I obviously wasn’t about to ask. So I settled for asking her to meet me in the cafe whenever she could.

And then I headed down there to sit and wait, because for some reason, being in my room hurt too much.

Thankfully, no sooner had I gotten a cup of coffee and a booth and started scrolling on my phone, Maureen messaged.

I’ll be there in thirty.

By the time she arrived, I was on my second coffee and picking apart a muffin. She waved when she entered, headed to the counter to order herself a drink, then slid in across from me with an encouraging smile.

“Hey there. I’m glad you texted. I’ve been thinking about you. How’s it going?” She waited a beat, then added, “Don’t forget you promised you’d be the one baring your heart and soul on our next coffee date.”

To my absolute horror, I promptly burst into tears.

Maureen instantly jumped into action, sliding out from her seat and joining me in my side of the booth, wrapping her arms around me as she pulled my head to her chest.

As thankful as I was for her caring and her friendship, I felt like an ass. “Oh god,” I sobbed. “I can’t believe I just did that. What a baby I am. God, I’m so selfish.” I tried to pull away, but Maureen held tight.

“Stop.” Her voice held a tone I’d only heard when we played together in the Dungeon and was stern enough to halt my struggling and the mean words falling from my mouth. Out of instinct and pure impulse, I met her gaze. The fierce love and understanding I saw there took my breath away, but it didn’t quite chase away the feelings of being pathetic and selfish. What was I even doing crying? I wasn’t the one who’d lost a parent.

“Sorry.” I grabbed a napkin off the table and wiped my eyes, “I don’t know why I’m crying. It’s so dumb. I just… I’m sorry, I tried to study in the library, but I couldn’t focus. My suite felt weird, and I don’t want to go back to Drake’s apartment. He’s there with his mom, and…” I trailed off.

“You’ve spent all week being the strong one. You’ve held together your own grief for the sake of theirs. It’s noble, and I’m so glad you were able to do that, to be there for them, but sooner or later, you have to confront your own emotions.”

I nodded because I knew she was right. I could feel them hovering on the precipice of my consciousness, fighting to be recognized, but I was afraid to let them in. I had a feeling they were very ugly things, selfish and fearful and if I gave them even an ounce of acknowledgement they’d take over, and who knew what would happen then?

I grabbed another napkin and dabbed my eyes before blowing my nose into it and setting it back on the table. I met Maureen’s concerned gaze and shook my head. “You’re right. I know you’re right. I just can’t…” I trailed off. “I just don’t…”

Ugh. Why couldn’t I voice a full thought? My emotions felt all blocked up, dead and yet very much alive. I wondered if this was how Drake felt when he got that blank, dazed look in his eyes.

“You need to do something for yourself right now. Drake will understand. What will make you feel better?”

I knew the answer. Instantly. I knew it in my soul, but it was the one thing I couldn’t have. I shook my head, my throat tight and my eyes stinging from holding back fresh tears.

Maureen’s scrutinizing gaze burned through me. “You need a release,” she surmised. “A long, hard spanking that forces you to confront the emotions plaguing you and weed through them, to see what comes to light.”

God, yes. I knew she was right. I needed a spanking. Badly. I had for days. The need had been a huge source of my guilt, even though I knew it shouldn’t be. Pain was my coping mechanism of choice. Still, it wasn’t an option.

“I can’t.” My voice cracked.

Maureen cocked her head to the side. “Are you sure? I don’t have any more classes today. I’m off for the afternoon.” Her gaze softened. “We don’t even have to go to the Dungeon. We could use a private room in the Dungeon or go to your suite, or even to my place. Trent has something going all day. We could easily get some privacy if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“No.” I shook my head, everything inside me wanting to give in. “No, that’s not it. I can’t… we said…. It’s a rule. I need to…” Fuck. I sounded like an idiot. Why couldn’t I get a simple sentence out? Drawing a breath and wiping my eyes, I tried again. “It’s not that I can’t scene with other people, it’s just that I promised Drake I’d get his permission first.”

“Ah.” Maureen nodded. “Trent and I have that too, but there are some people that are automatic yeses.” She grinned. “You’re one of those people for me.”

I nodded. “And I’m sure… I’m sure you would be for me as well, but we haven’t even gotten that far. We made the rule, and then…”

Maureen nodded, understanding what I wasn’t saying. Her expression was thoughtful, and she was silent for several minutes. Finally she sucked in a breath. “As a Domme, I really shouldn’t be saying this, so don’t ever tell anyone I did, but sometimes it’s better to ask forgiveness than permission and sometimes it’s okay to put your own needs first.”

“I don’t know…” I so badly wanted to do just that, but imagining doing so made me feel like I was thoughtless, careless and selfish. Not fit for a relationship. All my old fears raced to the surface. “Wouldn’t that make me…”

“Human?” Maureen interjected. “Someone who was practicing self-care in a situation where it was desperately needed?” She sighed. “Look, I wouldn’t condone or even suggest it in any other circumstances, but these aren’t just any circumstances, babe. These are extenuating ones. Everyone would agree.”

“I mean, maybe. I just…”

“You can confess to Drake when the time is right. And if he feels the need to punish you for it, then… you take the licks. You’re not one to shy away from a punishment anyway.”

“Oh.” Well, when she put it that way… it made sense.

“Look, I’m not trying to push you, Luna. I just want to help. Anyone who looks at you can see that you are in pain. That you are struggling. That you need to do something for yourself. If you don’t want a scene because of the agreement you made with Drake, I respect that. But if you do, I’m here.”

Fuck. Did I dare? Suddenly I wanted a spanking so badly I couldn’t breathe. Did it make me an awful person? I’d called Maureen down here to talk, but I couldn't seem to get my thoughts straight. Had I even tried or was I just taking the easy way out? I sucked in air and looked at her through tear-filled eyes. “Maybe we could just go somewhere a little more private? To talk? And…”

“And see what happens?” Maureen nodded. “Yeah, let’s do that. Where do you want to go?” She looked at her watch. “Your suite is probably empty for a few more hours.”

She was right, it would be, but I wouldn’t be able to relax there. She must have seen it on my face, because she cocked a brow and said, “Let’s go to my place.”

I nodded and pulled to my feet, grabbing my bag. “Thank you.”

We headed back to the apartment Maureen shared with Trent and settled me on the couch, then grabbed two bottles of water before joining me.

“Okay, let’s talk.” She sat, leaning toward me. “Tell me how you’re feeling.”

It was a loaded question. Did I have the answer? “I…. The timing sucks. This thing with Drake is so new. We’d just had dinner with his parents the night before and told them we were together. They were so happy. After dinner, Drake went for a walk with his dad and after he came back, we had a great talk and worked through some stuff. That night was so good. Until… until it wasn’t.” My voice cracked as I remembered.

Talking was hard.

“It is hard,” Maureen agreed.

Crap. Had I said that out loud?

“Sometimes a spanking can help unclog some of the stuff in your brain to make it easier. But your options aren't to talk or get spanked. Your options are talk or get spanked and then talk.”

“I understand. I’m just…”

“Still struggling with the agreement you made with Drake?”

I nodded.

“I get that. I understand. I would feel the same way. Is going back and talking to him an option?”

I shook my head. It wasn’t. I couldn’t. Drake had his own problems. I couldn’t burden him with mine, especially not when they were so woven together. I also couldn’t go on like I was. Maureen was right. I’d been running ragged, neglecting myself in order to care for him. Drake wasn’t himself right now, but he was a good Daddy, a good Dom. That wasn’t what he would want. He’d want me to take care of myself and to get whatever I needed, even if I couldn’t get it from him. If he wanted, much later, when things weren’t so hard, to punish me for breaking a rule, I’d submit. But if I didn’t do something now, there wouldn’t be a later.

Even if I did something now, I still wasn’t sure if there would be. I was seconds away from cutting and running. It wasn’t what I wanted, it was just where I was. My brain was on a roller coaster of doom and I couldn’t get off. A spanking would quiet my mind, and talking to Maureen once I sorted out my thoughts, that would tell me how to move forward.

Fuck. Was I a horrible submissive for even considering this? I wrangled with that thought and grabbed my phone, my fingers hovering above Drake’s contact. Should I let him know? Did I dare ask?

I typed up a short message then deleted it. I did that five times. Nothing seemed right. Everything felt selfish and thoughtless. Everything but just doing it. For some reason that still felt right.

Sighing, I set my phone aside and met my friend's eyes. “Mistress Maureen,” I started, “I’m struggling with big emotions that I can’t seem to express. I feel… hopeless and lost. Do you think…. Would you please spank me to help me process through?”

She nodded, and though I knew she was on board, she paused. “Last chance to talk to Drake. Did you want me to text him maybe?”

I shook my head. “He has… family in town. Some of them… they aren’t kinky. It’s not a good time.” I had no idea if he was with them at the moment or when they’d be leaving. He might even still be asleep, though I doubted it.

“Okay then.” Maureen uncrossed her legs and patted her lap. She pointed to the skirt I wore to class. “Go to my closet and get a paddle, a nice heavy wooden one, and then come back and get over my knees.”

She didn’t instruct me to strip, take off my panties, or even flip up my own skirt. And I understood. Maureen was taking control. Not in a commanding, domineering way, but in a caretaking way. Maureen was taking control by taking the rest of the choices out of my hands.

I walked like a robot to the closet, chose a wooden paddle and returned, handing it over without a word. Maureen flipped it over in her hands inspecting it, then nodded. “Very good. Now, over my lap, please.”

My stomach knotted for a moment as I obeyed but sliding across her lap felt like a relief. She flipped my skirt up and peeled my panties down, resting them just below my ass.

As soon as I was in position my stomach flipped, the weight of my decision heavy on my heart. Was I doing the right thing? Would Drake understand? I’d been taking care of him all week. I needed to take care of myself. And in a way I was still taking care of him by not adding more burden to his already very full plate.

I bit my lip as I waited for Maureen to begin, my brain racing with too many thoughts, but none I could quite pin down. All I knew was this didn’t feel quite right. I was seconds away from rearing off her lap and ending the whole thing when the paddle cracked hard against the center of my cheeks.

I didn’t even react. I couldn’t. My breath caught in my throat. What did I do now?

Thankfully, Maureen began to speak. “You’re not in trouble, Luna, and this isn’t just about getting a need met, is it? It’s about helping unblock your brain so you can communicate. So you are able to voice what you need, what you feel…” As she spoke, the paddle punctuated every couple of words.

And despite the blossoming pain that arose as she didn’t hold back, her words were the balm my soul needed. After only a dozen or so swats, the dam broke. The worries I’d been holding back broke to the surface. My breath left me in long, ragged sobs. The paddle kept falling, each swat igniting a fresh fire in my ass while somehow also clearing my mind.

“What are you feeling?” Maureen prompted, pausing her assault long enough to give me time to catch my breath and answer.

I desperately wrenched my body, pulling myself off her lap and wincing when my bare ass hit the fabric of the couch as I sat beside her.

If Maureen was shocked by my actions she didn’t let on. “I feel like…” I took a deep breath then blew it out, meeting her eyes. “I feel like I shouldn’t have done this, like it was selfish of me, but also like there was no way to not do this. I had to, in order to unlock my brain.”

It sounded stupid to my own ears, but Maureen just nodded, her expression holding no judgment.

“Drake and I…” I began, clenching and unclenching my hands in my lap, wondering where to begin, what she already knew, what I’d already said… “We’re together now… a couple. It was…” My voice cracked, and Maureen grabbed a tissue from a box on the coffee table, handing it to me. I dabbed at my eyes as I spoke. “It was probably a long time coming to everyone else who knows us, but I fought it pretty hard. I… I was really afraid to mess up what we already had and I thought I didn’t believe in love.” I scoffed. “Drake says I’m afraid of commitment.” I shrug. “Maybe I was. Maybe I am. Fuck,” I cried as my voice cracked again. Tears welled in my eyes.

Maureen grabbed my hand. “Go on.”

I shook my head hard.

Her brows raised and her head cocked to the side. “Are you sure you’re ready to talk? You could go back over my knee if that would help.”

It probably would, but it would also make everything worse. “I just…” My voice trailed off, and without thinking, I launched myself back over her lap.

Maureen picked up right where she’d left off like she’d never stopped. “Come on, Luna. Let it out. Something is wrong. You called me for a reason. Tell me what it is.”

She moved the paddle lower, focusing first on one side, then the other. I breathed in deeply, welcoming the pain. The thoughts were on the tip of my tongue. I knew exactly what they were but I couldn’t seem to let them out, almost as if I were afraid of them. Maybe I was. Once I spoke them, I’d have to figure out what to do about them, and there was really only one solution that I could see.

“I have to break up with Drake,” I cried, when the paddle cracked hard across my sit-spots. “And the timing, it couldn’t be worse, and I don’t want to, but I have to!”

“Now we’re getting somewhere,” Maureen muttered under her breath. She began to spank harder, attacking the curve where my ass met my thighs with renewed vigor. “Why do you have to break up with him?”

“B-because! I can’t… I can’t go through what his mom is going through. I can’t give myself over to someone, so completely, so perfectly for so long and then wake up one day and it’s just over. I can’t… I can’t lose him!” I screamed. “What if he dies?”

Maureen stopped abruptly. I heard, somehow, over the sounds of my own racking sobs, her suck in a breath. “Oh, baby,” she murmured. And then her hands wrapped around my forearms and she pulled me into a sitting position beside her and guided my head to her shoulder.

I cried, my tears soaking the silk of her shirt. “I can’t… I thought I couldn’t be with Drake because I was afraid it would go wrong and hurt too much. But…. Oh god!” I gasped for air, my lungs feeling like they were seconds away from exploding. “But what if everything goes right?” Tears, warm and wet, spilled down my cheeks. I pulled my face away from her wet shoulder. “I can’t…” I huffed and gasped for air, my lungs burning like an elephant was sitting on my chest. Images of the past few days rolled through my brain on repeat. “I couldn’t lose him,” I finally managed. “It would kill me. To… to take a chance on love, to go all in, knowing that it could just be ripped away at any moment.” I shook my head from side to side. “I can’t do it, Maureen! I can’t risk it!”

Maureen pulled me close, resting my head on her shoulder again, this time wrapping her arms tightly around me and cradling my head of her chest. “Oh, baby. Oh, sweet girl. Shhh. Shhhh, it’s okay.”

“It’s not,” I wailed, unable to accept her comfort. “It would hurt too much.”

“Loss hurts,” she agreed. “So does love.”

It wasn’t the answer I’d been expecting. “Wh-what do you mean?” I sniffled. I’d always thought love hurt, it was one of the reasons I’d been so afraid to give it a try with Drake in the first place, but not many people thought the way I did, so I hadn’t been expecting Maureen to agree with me.

She pulled my body away from her, to hold me at arm’s length and placed a hand on each side of my face, in a move she’d never made with me before. “Luna, listen to me.”

She waited until my eyes met hers.

“Love is a risk. Loss is a part of life, unfortunately. And when you love someone, loss is inevitably going to be a part of that. But it doesn’t mean you don’t take the risk.”

It took everything in me not to roll my eyes. “But…”

“Let me ask you this: If you broke up with Drake now, and ten years later, he passed away… how do you think you would feel? Do you really think your first thought would be ‘oh thank god I broke up with him all those years ago, so I don’t have to hurt now’?” She paused, seeming to give me a moment to mull over her question, but she didn’t press for an answer, instead, she continued. “Or, do you think that maybe, just maybe, it would hurt anyway?”

I stared at her, blinking furiously. “You’re asking unfair questions,” I griped. “Ones it seems like you already know the answer to.”

Maureen seemed to press back a smile. “I do already know the answer. I’m just waiting for you to catch up with me.” Her thumb swiped across my face, catching a falling tear. “Come on, let’s hear it. Do you think that when the inevitable happens, whether it’s fifty minutes from now or fifty years, you’ll think ‘oh thank god I protected myself from that pain, and didn’t give myself time to make more memories with him’?”

I sniffled again, grabbing a fresh tissue. “You don’t play fair,” I griped.

Maureen simply nodded. “I’m still waiting for an answer.”

“It…” I drew a deep breath and paused to give myself a moment to really absorb her question and all the possible answers. It only took me a second to realize there really was only one. “I love him,” I breathed. “Not just that, but I’m in love with him. Maybe I always have been.”

Maureen smiled, like she expected me to be excited about this recent development. I spiraled instead.

“Oh shit. Oh shit, oh shit.” My gaze searched the room. What was I looking for? A paper bag to breathe into? It wouldn’t have helped. “What was I thinking? Letting myself fall in love? I knew it was a mistake. I knew it would only end in hurt!” I jumped to my feet and began to pace in front of her. “Maybe… maybe there’s some sort of way to like… deprogram it from my brain somehow?”

Maureen grabbed my hand as I paced by, stopping me in my tracks. “You know, for a psychology student, you really can be dense sometimes when it comes to your own feelings. Reprogramming your brain? Really?”

I sank onto the couch beside her once more, leaned my elbows on my knees and buried my face in my hands.

“Luna!” Maureen peeled my hands away from my face and tilted my chin up. “Luna! You’re in love! This isn’t something to spiral about. This is wonderful! We should be celebrating.”

I stared blankly up at her. “I’m gonna get hurt.”

“Yeah. Probably. More than once. Love hurts sometimes. Luna, weren’t you listening? Not just to me, but to yourself?”

I shook my head. I had been… but… apparently we weren’t on the same page.

“You will hurt when Drake dies, no matter what. Aside from you finally admitting you love him, that you’re in love with him, he’s been your best friend for years. He knows you better than probably anyone else at the Ranch. Even if you never spoke to him again, it would still hurt when he died. But, what you could do, instead of living in fear of something that might not happen for another fifty or more years, is decide to make the most of every second you have, because you know how precious those seconds really are.”

And then, as if a second dam broke, her words truly sunk in. The weight of them was a burden and a relief all at once. “Ooohhh,” I breathed. “God, I’m an idiot.” I rose to my feet again, and pulled up my panties, letting my skirt fall to cover them. My ass burned, but the anvil on my chest was starting to feel more like a small dog.

“You’re not an idiot,” Maureen scolded. “You’ve had a hard week, and you’re not one who is…” She pursed her lips together, seeming to choose her words carefully. “You’re not always one who is the best at processing her emotions.” She smiled kindly. “Sometimes you just need a little nudge in the right direction.”

“Yeah, by way of my ass,” I scoffed, just getting angrier with myself. How stupid was it that I’d needed someone to whale on my backside, just so I’d know what I was thinking?

“By way of your ass,” Maureen agreed cheerfully, as if my admitting that wasn’t at all problematic. She squeezed my hand. “Good thing you live here at the Ranch, a place full of people more than willing to give that nudge whenever you need it. There are plenty of people just like you, and plenty more who’d kill to be in your shoes.”

She was right, I realized. Again. Which meant that I was wrong. Again. I was just on a roll today with all my stupid wrongness.

As if I’d spoken my frustration out loud, Maureen cocked a brow, aiming a bossy look in my direction. “I can almost hear you mean-wording yourself. You need to give yourself some grace,” she scolded. “You know, that thing you seem to have for everyone but yourself…”

“Why do you know me so well?” I grumbled.

My friend just smiled. “As well as you think I know you, Drake knows you even better,” she reminded me gently. “So, what are you going to do about it?”

And that, I realized, was the million-dollar question. What was I going to do about it?

As if he could read my mind, my phone chirped. Without thinking, I pulled it out of my purse and glanced down at the screen to see a text from Drake.

Babygirl… Where are you?

“I… snuck out in the middle of the night,” I admitted, looking up at my friend. I mean, not like the middle of the night but like four in the morning while everyone was still asleep.

“And I take it you didn’t leave Drake a note?” Maureen questioned, tilting her head in the direction of my phone. “That him?”

I nodded.

“He upset?”

“Stupid question,” I retorted. “His dad just died, of course he’s upset.”

Her eyes narrowed, and she leveled me with a stern look. “That’s not what I meant, and you very well know it. Don’t be a smartass.”

“Sorry,” I squeaked, instantly remorseful. I knew I was just taking my frustration out on her. “I don’t know what to say to him,” I admitted.

“Well, what did he say to you?”

“He’s just asking where I am.”

“Tell him the truth,” she prompted.

I slid my phone back in my purse. “I can’t. Not yet. I need… I need to figure out what to do first.”

Maureen’s dubious expression told me she didn’t quite agree, but she humored me. “What are the options? Isn’t the choice just whether to go back and be with him, and know that the risk is worth it? I thought you’d already decided.”

Maybe it really was that simple.

Before I could answer her, my phone chirped again. Maureen slid it out of my purse and handed it to me without looking.

Seriously? You’re not going to answer? You know I’m kind of dealing with a lot right now. I don’t need this worry, too.

My stomach knotted. Drake never spoke to me like that. I wanted to throw the phone away, to tell him he was being too unreasonable, but I knew he wasn’t. He had every right to be frustrated. I was the one who had been being unreasonable.

“Just answer him,” Maureen encouraged.

My phone beeped again.

Never mind. Forget it. I should have known you wouldn’t be able to handle real life.

“I can’t,” I whispered, in response to Maureen. “It’s too late. He’s really mad.”

She frowned. “Okay well, maybe he needs space.”

I shook my head. “I needed space. Space is the last thing Drake needs—the last thing he ever needs really.”

Maureen nodded sagely, understanding the difference in our personalities. “Well, Luna, your needs matter too.”

“Yeah, they do,” I agreed. “But I should have at least told him how I was feeling, where I was going, that I needed a break, that I needed to think.”

“Maybe,” she conceded, “but the fault is not just on you here.”

I nodded, but glanced at my phone where I knew Drake’s hurt was evidenced in the strong words he’d sent. “I have to fix it… somehow.”

“Okay. How? And what are you fixing, exactly? Because there are a lot of shitty things about this situation that you can’t fix. That you’ll never be able to fix.”

“I know.” I sighed. “But I can fix the fact that he doesn’t trust me. That I run as my first instinct. And no, I can’t fix that he’s hurting, but maybe…” I trailed off. “Maybe there’s something I can do to let him know I’m here. That I’m in it with him, and that I’m going to try my very hardest to not let my fears get the best of me.”

“Okay, good idea.” Maureen nodded. “Like what?”

I deflated instantly. “Like… I have no idea.”

“Maybe you put that thought on the back burner and wait for something to present itself. I’m sure the opportunity will come to you.” She frowned. “In the meantime, I wouldn’t let feeling like you need to make some grand gesture to prove your feelings keep you from just going and being there. That seems a bit counter-productive.”

My gut clenched at the thought of facing Drake right now, but I knew she was right. “Okay.” I nodded. “I’ll go home… er… back to Drake’s.”

I made no move to do so, until Maureen pinned me with a hard look.

“So go then. Talk it out. Tell him how you feel and listen to how he feels.”

I still didn’t move. In my mind I was rehearsing what the hell to even say and calculating all the ways it could possibly go wrong.

I looked up to find Maureen staring at me, just as my phone chirped with a new message I knew was probably from Drake.

The combination of the two forced me to my feet. I didn’t look at the message though, instead shoving my phone back in my purse so I wouldn’t be tempted to chicken out.

“I’m going,” I mumbled. “Bye. And thanks.”

Maureen stood and pulled me in for a tight hug before letting me go. “Good luck!”