29. Enjoy the Silence

CHAPTER 29

ENJOY THE SILENCE

DEPECHE MODE

“Where’s Ren?” Jamie asks as he walks out and pulls a chair up next to mine. Listening to how long it drags on the concrete deck makes me feel like a fucking dick for doing the same thing earlier, and that’s his intention. Jamie doesn’t do passive aggressive when I’m involved; we’re too close to one another for that shit. We’re brothers, and we’ve always been honest to a fault with each other. It’s what keeps us true to ourselves.

“Probably upstairs packing her shit up and getting ready to light the house on fire.”

“She wouldn’t do that.” He drops into his chair and pops the top on his beer before clanging the top against the neck of my empty. “She’d get the dogs out first.”

I agree with a grunt.

“So, you wanna talk about it? Steve says you’re canceling workouts, the internet says you're backing out of projects, and when I checked your phone, I found ten missed calls from Cyn.”

“Whatever.”

“I’ll give you credit, man. I half expected an outgoing call to one of the, uhm, dating services Steve used to use. I mean, since you want to implode your relationship and life at such an epic level, you might as well go out with a bang, right? Pun intended.”

“Fuck you.”

“You’re not my type. What the fuck is going on? I thought you talked to Clay?” I don’t answer, so he leans over and ruffles my hair until I swat at him and grunt. “Oh, full caveman, now? Not talking is my gig; you can’t have it.”

Jamie and I met back in high school. He didn’t talk to anyone for a few years, and some dickhead tried to jump him. I kicked the kid’s ass, but they tried to suspend me. Jamie spoke up and saved my butt. We’ve been the dynamic duo ever since, adding Steve about a year later.

“What do you want? Why are you even here?”

“Officially? I got the numbers back on that new grant we talked about for the center and thought you’d like to take a look. Unofficially? Because the best thing that ever happened to you called me worried sick.”

“I thought you were the best thing that ever happened to me?”

“I was! Now I’m the second best. You’re losing your ever loving mind, man.” He sighs when I shake my head. I don’t even know what to say, unsure if I’m angry or sad…or both. “Coop, don’t let her go, okay? She’s not the problem, but she deserves to know what is. Tell her, and not just the sugar-coated version. Tell her everything. The truth. Every fucking word of it.”

I wipe my nose on the back of my hand like I’m fucking five. Jamie’s right, I’m falling apart just like last time. Worse. This time I can’t stop. Ren doesn’t deserve that. Ren deserves better. She deserves for me to come clean and open up about what’s going on. Or she deserves to move on to someone who can treat her better than I am.

First, though, I need to tell Jamie. “I opened the room.” I mumble, but he hears me anyhow. Hell, I’m sure he knew before he even sat down. Of all the people she could have called, Jamie is the only one who can pull me out of this emotional nosedive. Maybe.

“Shit, for real? Okay.”

“I talked to Theo, like I told you. We talked about going after our demons and not confusing Ren for Cassie, and it made sense. I promised myself and Ren I’d do better, and I did for a while. Until I saw some of those fucking vultures outside the house.”

“So you conveniently waited until she left for work? And made sure none of your support system could stand with you to confront your demons alone? Like the fucking idiot you are sometimes?”

“Seriously, fuck you.”

“You should have waited for Devin or Steve. You should have called me, you prick.” He stands up, but I don’t make eye contact. He sounds pissed. No, worse than that, he sounds disappointed. “The way I see it, you have two options right now, pal. Option one, you get the fuck in there, and you spill your fucking guts like you’re Linda fucking Blair. You show her the room and lay all that pain out at her feet while you beg for her to stay. I guarantee she won’t leave you for that, man. She wants to help you, but she can’t do that if you won’t tell her what’s up.”

“What’s option two?”

He groans and shakes his head. “I’ll take the bullet for you, but just this once. You’re going to owe me so fucking much if you make me do this, and I probably won’t talk to you for at least six months.” He puts his hands on his hips and stares down at me. “I’ll tell her what happened, help her pack her things, and take her home. After that, I’ll seal the room back up so you don’t have to face the monsters till you’re ready.”

“Fuck.”

“Look, asshole, she’s going to leave you anyway if you keep acting like a dick. Please, tell me you didn’t lock her keys away?” I shake my head. “Well, at least we’re not past the point of no return. Coop, you have a real chance to put your life back together and I don’t mean the duct taped, barely holding it together version of you from the last four years. I mean the real you. It’s terrifying, and you’re scared to shit about the entire thing because it means opening up that part of you that’s still hurting. But I’m telling you, that woman in your loft? She’s about as far away from Cassie as you can get. Renate will face down your darkest demons and fucking dare them to lay a finger on you so she can rip their throats out and eat their black hearts. She’s not a damsel, Coop. She’s a goddamn assassin and if you’ll let her, she’ll fight by your side till the bitter end.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do, actually! Because I’m lucky enough to have one just like her back home. Thing is, I’d do the exact same thing for Lexi, and you’ve seen it. So my question now is, would you do it for Ren? Because there are some wicked fucking demons in her closet, and if you’re not going to be there when she needs you, let her go. Let her find someone with balls big enough to match her own.”

“What?” I stare up at him, squinting against the fading sun.

“I’m saying you don’t have to do this alone. You never have, but now you’ve got her and fuck it, man. Either fight to keep her, or let her go and keep wallowing in your self pity by your big ass pool.”

I wipe my face and groan into my hands before I stand up and stare back at the house. There’s a light on upstairs in the loft and find her silhouette in the window. My stomach turns as everything I’ve done since she’s been here comes rushing back. The thought of losing her feels like someone twisting a knife in my gut. The problem is, if I were to look down, it would be my hand on the hilt.

“I’ll bring the dogs out here and keep them company. If this ends up being anything like Lexi and I when I finally told her everything, you two aren’t going to leave the bedroom for a while. Someone should be here to warn Mini Cooper.” He squeezes my shoulder with a lopsided grin. I witnessed Jamie putting it all out there for Lexi, and how it laid a stronger foundation for both of them. The irony of both of us being so fucking dumb to think we could lock the past behind literal doors makes me question our sanity.

“If it heads south, I’m here for you, man. You know that. Stop trying to be all weirdly macho and handling shit on your own. It never works out how you think it will, because that will never be you, and it won’t ever be what she wants.”

* * *

She looks stunning as she sits curled up on the sofa grading her papers, so I lean against the wall, trying my best to be silent and not disturb her. Every breath I take reminds me of how much I don’t want to lose her. How I’m not ready to let this go. My stomach becomes a battleground of nerves and butterflies, and my heart pulls me in two directions. Or maybe it’s that voice in my head trying to sabotage my life again.

“Ren?” My voice cracks. Her head snaps up, no trace of anger in her eyes, only concern. I swallow the lump in my throat. “Can, uhm, can I talk to you for a minute? I can wait till you’re done grading if you need me?—”

“No, you’ve waited long enough.” I’m glad. I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to keep up the nerve to do this. She gathers up the papers and pats the couch next to her.

“I’ve been acting like a fuckup, and you deserve to know why.” I should ease into this, but I’m ripping the bandaid off. “My ex never recovered from what happened with the paps, but I tried to keep her going,” I explain as I sit next to her. “I just wanted things to get better, and that’s probably why I proposed to her. Neither of us were in the right headspace for that kind of leap. Hell, I’m not sure we ever we loved each other, but I thought it would help give her something happy to look forward to. Something good.”

Ren reaches over and takes my hand, which surprises me. It shouldn’t, though.

“She could smile again, and spent her free time looking at florists and dresses. We agreed to only tell a few people about the engagement, so it wouldn’t leak. A few weeks after I proposed, I drove across town to check on a venue she’d been talking about.”

I thought I’d feel nauseous or upset telling her this. I didn’t expect to feel numb. It’s like I’m somewhere else, listening to someone else tell my story. I get up, still holding Ren’s hand, and lead her down to the back of the garage. To the door I couldn’t bring myself to open for years. I reach for the knob with a shaky hand, but she stops me, resting her hand over mine.

“While I met with the venue people, Cassie called me,” my voice cracks as I continue the story. I step back as the door opens, still expecting the pool of blood. Expecting to see her lying there, cold and lifeless.

“Stay with me, Chase,” she says as I fight off the panic attack. My hand absently searches for Pongo and he nudges my fingers. Jamie must have let him in, knowing I’d need him. Ren rubs my other palm with the tip of her finger until I can talk again.

I blink away the nightmare. “I didn’t answer her call, too busy talking to the venue manager. Dev blows up my phone about twenty minutes later. He came down to visit during his college off season. The Parrots got permission to invite him out for a workout and he couldn’t shut up about it the whole week. He forgot his skates and came back to the house. He should have been on the ice, not at the house that morning.

“The fourth or fifth time he called, I finally answered. I almost yelled at him. I thought he had locked himself out of the house or something stupid. But he… he freaked out when I answered. Crying and screaming at me that he saw something under the door—” She steps in front of me, and for a flash, she’s Cassie, her cold eyes staring at me. The face shifts back to Ren again, and her eyes aren’t cold. They’re warm and full of tears. There’s recognition in them as she realizes what I’m about to tell her before I can get the words out. She cups my face and lets me take my time.

“I raced home, found him sitting in the corner covered in blood. She died before he’d opened the door, they said. The shock hit him hard, so hard he forgot to call the cops.” I close my eyes, trying to will the smell of bleach away, but I can’t. “After they took her, I didn’t leave the house for four days. I cleaned the blood, and I sealed the room shut so no one could get in.”

“So the demons won’t get out,” she whispers as she turns and looks at the door. “You opened it last week, didn’t you? That’s what changed?”

I nod. “I thought I’d handle it better. I thought I needed to man up and get over it, like you got over your ex. Instead, I got scared and tried pushing you away while simultaneously trying to control your life. I couldn’t let you…I couldn’t let it happen again.”

“Well, you forgot to actually have me here with you, Puppy.” She strokes the side of my face. “You can move on, but you’re never going to get over something like this, Chase.”

“Her, uhm, her parents…they wouldn’t let me go to the funeral. They blamed me for taking her away.” Those are the words that do me in, and she pulls my head down to her shoulder, but I crash down onto my knees instead. Burying my face in her stomach as I break down. “I did this to her,” I whisper over and over again, but she keeps holding me and stroking my hair. No one has done that since Cassie. No one did that before Cassie. She had so much love to give this world, and because of me, she ended her life.

“Jamie has a sister, Elle, who orchestrated the paparazzi attacks based on what they found in her computers. She had it out for Jamie and tried to attack his friends to make him suffer. I never completely understood it, though, because she went after Steve and his ex fiancé and taunted them over it. She admitted to leaking the nude photos, but never anything else to do with Cassie—including the guy who took the photos and the harassing texts to Cassie’s phone.” It’s the first time I’ve ever admitted that to anyone. “They never charged her for anything since Cassie died by suicide.”

The door shuts, and she tilts my chin up as she brushes my hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ear. “Chase, I need you to make me a promise, okay?” I nod, not trusting my voice yet. I draw in a shaky breath as she takes my face in her hands and stares into my eyes. “Never push me away like that again. Never. If you need to talk, we talk. If you need to cry, fuck this manly bullshit and you cry with me. If you need to yell, we’ll both go outside and yell at the damn moon. Just don’t push me away, especially when you need me.”

“I—I promise. I promise I won’t.”

“Good, and I need to make you a promise.” She gives me that soft, forgiving smile that makes my butterflies go nuts. “I’m not Cassie. I will never be Cassie, and I can’t take her place. That means you can’t treat me like her, either. This won’t be me. I’m too much of a damn pain in the ass to leave before my time, so get that out of your head right now. People keep leaving you behind, Puppy, but you’re mine now. I’m not leaving you unless I’m kicking and screaming. Got it?”

I nod, and she pulls me to her, kissing me like she’s making promises to me I don’t deserve. Making me feel like just this once, I deserve her and this. I pull away because I’m not done yet. She needs to know about the more immediate threat, too.

“Ren, there’s…more. There’s a stalker. My shrink said since she’s gone from leaving me pictures and marriage licenses to more threatening phone calls, it’s not something we can ignore.”

“Jesus, what should we do?”

“Remember Mills? He talked to you after the whole thing with your ex? He and Cyn are working on it, but they said I should tell you so you can be on the lookout. Mills thinks she’s using disguises though, and that’s why we haven’t noticed her.”

“Do you know who?”

“No. Hell, we’re only guessing it’s a woman.”

A car pulls into the driveway and Ren shivers. “Sounds like your brother just pulled up. How about we get some Chinese, get really high, and decompress by watching some of those dumb ass horror movies you boys think are comfort films? I’ll even have James invite Lexi over.”

I nod, because the words get stuck in my throat. They’ll come out soon enough, because she’s staying. Maybe not in the house for much longer, but she’s staying with me. She’s not leaving, and I’m not sure what to do about that other than learn to get used to it. Staying has become a lesson only she can teach me.