21. Running Up That Hill

CHAPTER 21

RUNNING UP THAT HILL

PLACEBO

I climb in the driver’s side, pulling her to me and trying to wake her up. “I’ve got you, Sunshine. I’ve got you,” I hum softly in her ear. As I rub her back, feeling something wet and sticky. When I pull my hand away, it’s red.

I slam the gas and peel out of her driveway, kicking up rocks and gravel. I’ll pay for damages later.

“I’m here, Renate. No one will hurt you, understand? He’s not going to hurt you anymore. Never again. I’m going to take care of you.” I’m making her promises I hope I can keep. The tires squeal as I hit the main road and take off. Tears sting my eyes, but I don’t have time for them, not now. Not with the woman I love bleeding out in the seat next to me.

“Mmm,” Ren moans and tries to move. “Chase? I’m sorry. Please don’t send me to jail. Are you mad at me?”

“What? Fuck,” I whisper and pull her close again. “No, Sunshine. No. How could I be mad at you? This isn’t your fault. Just try to stay awake, okay? We’re almost there.”

I avoid the under-funded, understaffed local hospital and head for Beverly Hills. I keep her awake, talking to her and holding her hand. She's having trouble focusing and I’m trying my best to not panic. When we get to the hospital, a nurse recognizes me and we’re taken to a private room out of the public eye. Ren can’t even fill out her own name, so I take the forms and call Dani to get any information she’s found. Once I get Ren checked in, it all becomes a waiting game I don’t have the patience for.

As we’re both finally coming down from the adrenaline high, Ren bolts off the table and runs for the private bathroom. I hold her hair back, and when she’s done, I clean her up and carry her back to the bed. The black eyes and swelling in her face make her almost unrecognizable. Almost.

Doctors and nurses come in and out of the room. Followed by a detective, more nurses, tests, and more questions. The dread creeps in, and the helpless feelings take over. I should have gotten to her house earlier. I should have picked her up from school.

When the doctor finally comes in and says there’s no bleeding in her brain, I drop hard into the chair behind me, relieved. She’s got a concussion, and they want her to see a specialist as soon as possible. I make the appointment, get the discharge papers, and listen to the instructions to wake her up every two to three hours.

She looks like a shell of herself, and I’m ready to get the fuck out of here. She says the dizziness and nausea have passed, but the doctor said the headaches will last awhile.

She’s not talking—just staring off into nothing.

“Ren? The orderly will take you downstairs so I can pick you up away from the main entrance, okay?” Security chased three people out of the hospital earlier after catching them trying to sneak in for pictures. Ren nods, but she’s not listening, so I step in front of her and tilt her head up. “It’s gonna be okay.”

“I didn’t even tell you about him,” she says in a hoarse whisper that sounds painful.

I sit beside her and take her hand. “Sunshine, I’m going to say to you what everyone says to me, and I sure as hell hope it sticks for you better than it has for me. It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong, not a damn thing. Blame him, but he’s not getting to you again.”

“I…I need to go to work in the morning. I need—we were…I can’t remember.”

“It’s okay. The doc said that will happen for a bit. You’re coming home with me.”

“But Mama and Dani! What if he comes back?”

“Dani packed some things for you, and she’s going to stay with Xander. She convinced your mom to stay in Mexico until we’re sure he’s gone.”

“Chase, we’re not… I can take care of myself.”

“You can. But I’m asking you, please, let me take care of you.” I brush a loose strand of her hair behind her ear. “I can stay at your place later, but tonight at least, stay with me.”

The orderly comes in with the wheelchair and she stares at it like he’s asking her to climb onto a mechanical bull. I help her down from the bed and into the chair, and crouch in front of her.

“Good. Let’s get you home, get you better.” She tries to smile, but it’s half-hearted. I kiss her forehead and head for the car.

As I walk to the garage, I grab my phone and turn it back on. I’m expecting voicemails and texts from Cyn’s office, and I’m not disappointed. Over twenty missed calls and messages. I shoot her a quick text.

Chase

I’m okay. Ren got beat up by an ex. I’ll call you when I’m back home and have her settled in.

Boss Lady

You damn well better call me. Be safe.

* * *

As we pull into the driveway, the door to the house flies open, and Pongo bounds down the steps, Devin hot on his heels and yelling after him. I stop Pongo before he jumps on Ren, but he still licks her face when she leans over to greet him. It’s the first genuine smile I’ve seen on her today.

“I’m sorry! I told him to stay but he straight up said fuck that and bolted. He’s been pawing at the door since he heard the main gate.”

“He’s okay. He knows people he loves are worried, that’s all.” Ren rubs the dog’s head.

“I ordered pizza, so you’d have something to eat. I hope that’s okay—do you even like pizza? Fuck. I can go get something else if you?—”

“Thanks, Dev. That’s sweet of you,” she responds flatly and walks toward the door like she’s in a trance. Pongo stays right beside her. She needs him far more than I do right now.

Dev turns to me and whispers, “What the fuck, man?”

“I’m trying to figure that out, Dev,” I snap, pushing past him and following Ren into the house. I watch her disappear into my room before I turn back to Devin. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be a dick, it’s just…a lot.”

“She doesn’t like pizza, does she?. I kind of…panicked. I thought about ordering something better, but I don’t know what she likes and I figured everyone likes pizza. Don’t they? I cleaned up the guest room, and I cleaned up my apartment so Dani and her mom can stay in there if they need to.” He’s talking a mile a minute and I can’t keep up with him right now, so I put both hands on his shoulders and look him in the eye.

“D, I need you to chill.” He nods and takes a deep breath. “Dani and her mom aren’t coming over. We’ve got that covered, but thank you for straightening up. How did the game go?”

“Uhm, we lost. In a shootout. Guy went left when I could have sworn he showed right.” His shoulders slump and he leans back against the wall, running his hands through his hair. “Fuck, Chase.” He rubs the back of his neck and looks back at me, fear and worry on his face. “I don’t want her to leave us. You. I mean, Pongo likes her and I…it’s… you’ve been happy, like, really happy since the other night. I don’t want…what if she?—?”

“Hey, hey.” I grab the back of his head and pull him in for a hug. This has less to do with Ren and me and more to do with the two women in our lives that left the biggest scars on both of our hearts.

Our mother left him in grocery stores, bars, and even the car once or twice while she danced through life in a drug soaked haze. I grew up knowing our mother had an addict and needed help. Devin grew up thinking mom never wanted him. Cassie and Devin were close, too. She cared about him and for him better than I did sometimes. Devin found her that morning, and I don’t think he’s ever recovered from that. He hides it well. Better than I do, anyhow.

“I’m gonna go up and stay with Ren.” He nods and I take the stairs two at a time. I poke my head in to see if she’s already asleep. She’s sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at the floor. She jumps when I sit beside her, putting my arm over her shoulder and pulling her closer. “How are you holding up, Sunshine? Hungry? Thirsty?”

“I shouldn’t be here. He threatened you. Said if I didn’t do what he wanted, he’d shoot you in the head.”

“He’s not going to do that.”

“You don’t know him!” she yells, wincing as she does. “He’s in a gang, Chase. I should have told you, I should have told you everything, but I’m terrified of him. It’s why I thought we should stop at friends. I didn’t want you to find out about this. To find out how weak and pitiful I am. I convinced myself you’d leave me. Or Cynthia would tell you we couldn’t be together. I should have told you.”

“That’s the concussion talking, Renate. You’re strong, smart, brave, and not the one to blame in this situation. Besides, you’re telling me about him now. We’ll be okay, Ren. He isn’t going to scare me away.” I kiss the top of her head. “You don’t owe me explanations. I want you to be happy and safe.”

“But…you shouldn’t have to deal with this. With me. I’m not good for you and your image. I’m not what you should have.” She reaches for her things, shoving them into her purse. “I should go. I shouldn’t be here.”

“You just got out of the hospital, Ren! He broke into your house!”

“It doesn’t matter. He can’t find me here. He’ll hurt you, and you and I aren’t even dating.”

“Why does that matter? Why are you so worried about that?”

“I can’t do this to you.”

“That’s fucking bullshit, stop lying to yourself. You’re making excuses and running away, and I don’t understand why. Am I that fucking bad? Do you hate me or something?”

“No, Chase, it’s not like that.”

“Explain it to me!” I yell, standing and throw my arms in the air. My head drops because I shouldn’t yell at her. I crouch in front of her and take her hands. “We’re punishing ourselves for our past, for things we couldn’t control.”

“We’re—”

“Too different? No. Me and your fucking ex are different! He’s a prick and a moron. He threatened you and beat you. He’s an asshole, and you got away from him. But you put up these fucking impossible walls. I want a chance to show you how much I lo—” I catch myself before I say it, swallowing hard. “I just want a chance. I want you to be my queen.”

“Oh.”

I pull her closer, nuzzling her head with my cheek. “Do you know why I call you Sunshine? Because you’ve lit up my life since the moment I laid eyes on you. Cliché as fuck, right?”

“I’ve heard worse.”

“My shrink likes to remind me, sometimes, it just fucking rains and behind the clouds, the sun still shines bright as fuck. Only we can’t see it because of the clouds. You don’t have to tell me about your clouds until you’re ready—it’s your timeline, no one else’s.”

“Chase?”

“That…sounded so dumb, huh? Theo makes it sound cool, and I sound like a cheap fortune cookie.”

“No, you don’t.” She sighs and plays with the buttons on my shirt, slowing my racing mind and drumming heart with that simple touch. “We got together when we were kids. Hell, we got married when we were kids. I went to college to learn about computers and try to build a better life while he learned how to sell drugs and hide from the cops. At first, he only threatened me, but the real him came out after my father died. My family and my friends believed his bullshit, not me.”

“I believe you. I’m also proud of you for being brave enough to leave that shithead.”

“Anger helped me leave, not bravery..”

“Sometimes, those are interchangeable feelings.”

“I tried to call the police, but that didn’t stop him. Hospitals turned me away because I came so often they thought I only wanted a fix. After that, it got worse because I?—”

Her hand slides over her stomach and mine lurches.

“I wanted a family, like what I had growing up. But he only let me have fear and sadness.”

I don’t know how to respond to that. I’m sorry isn’t strong enough for that kind of pain and trauma; no words are. I hold the sides of her head, pressing my forehead to hers. “I can’t fix the past, but I can promise you with all that I have and all that I am, I will never hurt you. You’re my goddess, my sunshine, my queen. If we’re only meant to be friends, fine. But Ren—oh, fuck it. I’m falling for you. Hard.”

“You shouldn’t though.”

“Well, I suck at listening to what I should and shouldn’t do.”

“Why aren’t you mad about this?”

“Mad? Oh, I’m livid, but not at you. I’m mad at the cops, the hospitals, and that asswipe motherfucker.”

She tries to laugh, but winces, holding her head. “Ugh, that hurts so much.”

“Migraine?”

“I’m not sure. I’ve never had one.”

“Take off your shirt.”

“Chase, now really isn’t?—”

“So I can get you changed! Geez, I’m not always horny! I mean, I am, but…hold on.” I go to the other side of the bed and pick up a basket of things I keep there and a pillow. I set up the pillow and help her lie down. “Okay, there you go. The shape helps with migraines. Oh, lift your head for a second.”

She gives me a concerned look as I slide a knit hat onto her head.

“I, uhm, I get migraines. Always have. I’m gonna make the room cold and dark. It will help, but the hat works for me, too. The sleep mask thing takes some getting used to, but it’s like a massager for your eyes. If none of this works, I’ll run you a bath.” I get her tucked in, close the curtains, and turn all the lights in the room off except the one by the bed, that one I set the color to red. I make sure there’s water nearby and Dani comes up with tea when she comes by to drop off Ren’s things. I add timers to my phone for her medication and waking her up, and I stay with her until she falls asleep.

Once she’s sleeping, I head straight for the garage, Pongo following right behind me. I can feel the breakdown coming, and if I can’t be in my room, the soundproof gym will work. When the door shuts behind me, I slide down the wall and stare over to the room where I hide my demons. I promise myself once I get Ren past hers; I need to work harder against mine.

I bury my head in Pongo’s fur and let go of everything I’ve held in since I saw Ren on her kitchen floor. I don’t hear the door open, but I recognize the arms that wrap around me as my shoulders shake. I used to wrap around him like this as a kids.

Another, smaller set of arms envelopes me and I recognize them, too.

“I called Jamie and Steve, but I told them not to come over tonight. And to not make a big deal out of it unless Ren’s ready.”

I can’t stop the sobs—I don’t want to—so I just nod.

“We’ll take care of her, Chase. We’ll take care of all of them.” My brother pulls me to him, pressing a kiss to the top of my head as he sniffles back his own tears. “We’re a fucking family, now. Even you, Dani.”

“Shut up, dickhead. You’re ruining the moment.”