Chapter 7

Lista Playlist: The Middle – Jimmy Eat World

From : [email protected] Subject : Advisory on biomechanical research project

Callista,

I hope you’re well. I hope your weekend has been good so far. I’m just confirming that if you’re happy, I will become your advisor during your research project to guide and help you. If we could set up a meeting to go through the work and then plan further calendar dates, that would be great.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards,

Quin Russell PhD Biomechanical Engineering Lecturer

It’s a nice email to wake up to. Maybe too nice. I keep thinking about the warmth from his legs Friday night as I sat so closely near the gap between them. He made me feel secure and safe with his large stature. It’s impossible not to. When I saw his tattoos ( Very unexpected), My pants may as well have disintegrated right there and then. On the spot. I didn’t think I could find him any more appealing than I already did. But when that man walked into Drews kitchen yesterday evening with rolled up sleeves… damn . The anatomically correct heart and brain vertically placed on his forearm, either end of the word balance are beautiful. And when he gripped my outer arm with said inked skin, I’m sure my knees buckled slightly. The smoked whiskey scent I could smell each time he laughed or spoke whilst I was sat in front of him was delicious. Inspiring. I could’ve moved back, closer between his legs and lay my head against him. It’s been too long since I’ve been touched, and all I can think about is his hands on me. I should not be thinking these things right now. He’s become my advisor. Plus, he’s just being nice to me because he feels sorry for me, clearly. He ghosted me. Accidently . And now he’s being kind to make me feel less shit about the small, curvy, mediocre looking human being that I am. Makes sense. It’s the usual situation. The regular vibe I get from guys. So, I need to distance myself, mentally and emotionally and ensure I stay professional around him. I’ve totally got this!

I totally don’t got this.

We plan to meet up that day to go over the research project and plan the next topics for the sessions. I find it hard to look at him and be in such close contact as we sit at his desk, facing one another in the office space he hired. He has his sleeves rolled up again. Ink brands his skin beautifully. I can see the inked brain just below the small portion of skin he’s exposing and imagine the rest from what I saw yesterday. Balance between the heart and brain. It speaks to me so deeply. I want to reach out and trace the outline of it to see if I feel anything, but–. Shit I’m lost in thought again.

“Earth to Lista”. Quin says, laughing as I snap out of my inner dialogue and realise, he can probably see me staring at his arm.

He raises his eyebrow and licks his bottom lip, before continuing when he sees that I’m now fully paying attention.

“So, are Saturdays and Sundays ok for you to commit to? If not, I understand, but with work and Uni, I don’t think a weekday will be viable”. I nod. I decide to stand up, to try and shake the cramps in my residual leg, plus any unwanted thoughts away.

I walk around to stand at the side of his desk. “Yes, honestly that’s fine by me. If we could liaise every week about the times, just in case I pick up shifts, that would be great. And if we meet at the coffee shop, if you’d be up for it. It’s quiet, cosy and has great food and drink. Plus it won’t cost as much as hiring this place” I say, gesturing to the room we’re in.

“Yeah absolutely, sounds good. Here’s my number, but please don’t give it to anyone else” He sounds stressed at the thought, almost pleading. “It’s my personal number and I really don’t want random messages from…” He stops before he can say something and decides against it “random people” he finishes his sentence with.

“Don’t worry, I don’t speak to people anyway. You can trust me” I tell him, for some unknown reason, putting my hand on his. He looks up at my face and smiles, clasping my hand, rubbing over it gently with his thumb.

“I know I can” he says.

We stay like this for a short while, our hands clasped, gently stroking each-others skin. I get an ache between my legs, wishing he was stroking me elsewhere too. I’m hoping he feels the same, but then again, surely this isn’t good for either of us. His gaze alternates between my eyes and my lips, and I feel myself lose control, so pull back on whatever this is between us.

“I best get going anyway. And I’ll see you soon” I say as I let go of his hand. He stands with me and walks me to the door, his hand low on my back. We stand so close as we get to the door. I want to pull him down to me and lock us in this room. Surely this is how porn starts. I’ve probably come across a few in my time. I’d make him carry me across the room and spread me across his desk. Shit , I need to leave. I place my hands on his arms and offer a small squeeze. “See you soon Quin”. He looks down at me with the most teasing gaze. “See you soon Lista”. It triggers such conflicting thoughts about our relationship. Professional boundaries have already been crossed for our working relationship, but does it count if those crossings happened before working together? My mind is saying no. So I think I’ll stick with that. Later that day, I open up my phone to find a message from Pierce. Ugh. Just ugh. I’m sure we’ve all had the same reaction to that one message that comes through from someone we just really would rather not hear from.

Pierce: Hey, shame that I’m not your advisor, isn’t it? Not sure why they chose Quin. You rarely know him x

Lista: I’m fine with him being my advisor. They probably chose him because we don’t know each other that well personally.

Other than kissing each other in a hugely romantic setting and sitting in between his legs at game night. I don’t say that.

Pierce: I think we would’ve worked well together. I know your research ideas. Plus we could’ve spent more time together. Doesn’t mean you can’t come to me if you need anything though x

Lista: I’m fine Pierce. I have Quin to go to with advice on my work now.

Pierce: Well, if you need any extra support, you know where to find me sweet cheeks. And let’s sort out a day I can take you to dinner x

I decide against replying to him. Because no.

I wish he’d leave me the fuck alone. He is consistently following me to my car, in the corridor, around campus and then pinging me with messages every other day. I wish him and Drew never became acquainted because since then, he’s got this fascination with me that is not reciprocated. He scared the shit out of me the other day when I left campus. He snook up on me and wouldn’t take no for an answer when he asked me out to dinner. He knows I’m not interested, but he persists. He knows how I struggle with intimacy and close contact, and yet still continues to crowd me and touch me. I’m so sick of his lack of respect for my feelings. I just can’t bring myself to mention how I feel to Drew yet. He won’t understand.

He has seen the way Pierce is with me but seems to think it’s a joke. I wish he’d see through me and realise how I truly feel. I’m not laughing along with it. I never have. I can’t bear to tell anyone about the other things he’s done either. I’m sick of being seen as weak, or as a victim my whole life because of my past. Plus, it’s not saying that people will even take me seriously anyway about Pierce. Let’s face it. We live in a world where women, amongst others would rather keep these things under wraps than face the judgement and speculation of people. Serious allegations are often swept under the rug, so what makes me think that what I have to say about Pierce will be listened to and taken on board. I know it’s unhealthy, but the vault inside my mind is secure, and it’s the safest place to keep all of these unwanted memories. For now.