Chapter 8

Lista Playlist: Panic attacks in paradise - Ashnikko

It’s been two weeks since Quin became my advisor. We’ve had two sessions off campus, in Cosy Corner Coffee, and they’ve been successful and productive, despite the immense tension I feel when I’m around him. He’s been as kind as ever, which I can’t say for when he’s on campus. It’s mind boggling to be honest. But I get it. I had a group of female students come up to me during my lunch break recently to ask me if Quin was a dick to PhD students like me. When I told them no , they seemed offended. One of them even claimed to have slipped him her number whilst discussing her study options. Apparently, he saw it, rolled his eyes and handed it right back to her. I was internally hysterically laughing. I can just image him doing that. The idea of a student thinking this is acceptable escapes me. They are objectifying him based on his looks and by the sound of it, previous demeanour and causing him discomfort. Not to mention, what happened in the past. The thought of someone as great as Quin having to go through that again makes me sick. Although our history has proven to be potentially crossing professional lines, I’d never approach Quin and make him feel uncomfortable. And what we do outside of work is quite frankly no one else’s business. We’re two consenting adults. But despite all of this, I’m here to learn and develop my knowledge, and before all else, Quin is vital to my studies right now, and I appreciate the atmosphere between us on campus. When I’ve been in his lectures, we have no small talk prior or afterwards. Strictly business, which is exactly what it needs to be to prevent me from turning into soup when I see him, to be completely honest. Although I’ve wanted nothing more than for him to grab my hand again when I go to leave the room and pull me back into his chest, wrapping his arms around me and touching me all over. Sadly those scenarios have only existed in my mind. I try to keep them in my bedtime thoughts, but they creep in subconsciously whilst I stare at him during lectures. Sometimes I don’t even realise that I’ve blanked out until something pulls me back to reality. By that point I’ve missed part of the lecture. I need to get laid ; is what Lilah from Cosy Corner Coffee keeps telling me. Maybe she’s right. And you might be thinking, you talk to your local coffee shop owner about these problems? Hell yes. Over the years visiting her coffee shop on a weekly basis, she’s become my friend. A great one too. We catch up; she tells me her stuff; I tell her mine. It's great, seriously. Highly recommend. Flic joins us too sometimes and we all have a great chat about woman stuff, new coffee flavours for the shop and just general life. This place is the guys usual café too, so Lilah knows we’re all here to stay. Each of us consistently recommend Cosy Corner Coffee to friends and family, and over the years business has been good for her. She deserves it. I digress. Hugely. Speaking of huge. Back to Quin. I suppose he has an effect on most women, and men perhaps. Makes sense after what those girls told me, plus I’ve heard the comments Oli makes too. Quin is tall, handsome (although attractiveness is a matter of opinion), and so intelligent. He’s got everything going for him, and I’m an idiot to think he’d even look at me after our little one-off kiss on New Year’s Eve. He’s sweet to me during our time alone, but on campus, he’s dominant. Ok, I just felt warmth fill my body at that word. I shiver. But that is exactly what he is. He’s dominant, passionate and is here, as a lecturer for a reason. He carries himself with purpose. He's texted me each Friday to check on my availability for the weekend sessions and he’s been so flexible and patient with me. Whilst he’s still dominant, he’s like a different person off campus, with me. He’s kind, considerate and goes at my pace. If we have meetings or run into each other on campus, he’s a lot less lenient. I’m assuming he doesn’t want other students to notice him changing when he speaks to me. Not that he does, but he just doesn’t act like his grumpy on campus self when we’re doing off campus sessions.

Speaking of off campus, It’s the STEM university social this evening and I’m not looking forward to being in the same room as so many people.

I’m thankful for Drew and the lads attending. Despite not working at the university, Reed and Pip are coming too, since they’re alumni. The more people I know around me, the better. Flic is busy with work, but she’s fired a few texts my way full of random animal gifs to brighten my mind and get those happy chemicals flowing. Quin will be there too. I can only hope my brain behaves. I don’t even want to acknowledge that Pierce will be going, so I’ll be avoiding him like the plague.

Then again, I’d probably avoid him more than the latter.

The STEM faculty has a social gathering each year. They have stalls, representation from each topic, and welcome graduate, existing and prospective students. Last year I was a rep for Engineering and welcomed possible students. It was fun and reminded me of when Reed and I became part of Five Mountains . We met Drew and the others at the open day and the rest is history. Keeping the positive history in mind helps me enjoy welcoming new students, despite my lack of joy for socialising. I do it and push past the anxiety, not only because it’s fun and nostalgic, but also because I want to prove to people that no matter what you look like, what gender you are, or what differences you have, you are capable of doing anything you put your mind to. Little Lista would’ve loved to have seen a female amputee in STEM when she came to pick her University, so I’m officially now being the person that younger me needed. Flic always reminds me of the cliché behind the group name and it’s helped me overcome many a struggle. She put her thoughts into a poem during her teen years and actually won a poetry contest. It’s her claim to fame and I understand why. She quotes it whenever one of us is going through a tough time, and even printed out mini copies on key rings for us all. I keep mine close to me wherever I go. It’s my own personal source of motivation throughout life and I’m forever grateful that such a random group name inspired such pure and utter beauty in the form of words.

Five Mountains

You see those mountains that seem to reach the sky, They never thought they could rise so high.

Starting from nothing and rising through disaster,

After thinking they would crumble and sink thereafter.

Continuing to grow when faced with uncertainty,

Never to know how others see them so perfectly.

So when you’re scared of what’s ahead, And you fear the uphill climb, Remember you are the mountain,

And incredible things take time.

I’m glad to welcome Quin to this year’s social since it’s his first time. Although we haven’t spoken much personally, for good reason, we have texted about tonight and are hoping to catch up in a less work orientated environment. He told me he was looking forward to seeing me… I’m just not sure how to interpret the signals he gives me.

After we held each other’s hand and shared a longing stare during our first meeting, I’ve been distancing myself to try and avoid anymore of whatever this is between us. It’s for the best. I know that Quin is concerned about people’s opinions of him. After what he told me about his journey in lecturing, I understand exactly why he acts the way he does. He’s a young, handsome member of staff, and it’s clear that he gets unwanted inappropriate attention from students. You can see it’s something that makes him genuinely uncomfortable, and he’s quick to make sure he’s openly shunting any advances off. Although, our relationship is a little different I suppose, since we kissed without knowing each-other. And now anything more is clearly off limits. Sad face. Although I really do understand why. I get so nervous about doing or saying the wrong thing to him during our time off campus, and I’m anxious to make the wrong move in general. I feel like he flirts back with me, but if I cross the line, I’ll scare him off. So, I’m hanging back and distancing myself from him. If that’s at all possible.

I’m at home getting ready. Something which I struggle with hugely. When I’m on campus for studying or working, my attire makes sense. When I’m at work on the weekends, I wear my work clothes. But when I go out for events or with friends, I hate choosing an outfit. I struggle with understanding what is too casual or too risqué. You know? I want to look good, but I don’t want to be overdressed. It’s difficult being one of the only women in a friendship group, because when I need advice, I’m mostly met with random dude replies that do not help me. Flic rarely messages on the group chat, so I’m often stuck. There are many times she’s helped me, but often all I get in situations like this from her on the group chat is a gif. Usually I’m obsessed with them, but times like these I need advice, not hilarious gifs or funny animal videos.

#FiveMountains Group Chat

Lista: Guys, what does one wear to the STEM social this evening? Send help!

Drew: Clothes.

Reed: I second what Drew said.

Oli: I shall be wearing a beige shirt, rolled up sleeves and my brown trousers. I might pop on a fancy jacket too.

Lista: Oli, thank you for being the only helpful one, but regardless of your reply, it’s not helpful for me . I am a woman. As much as I’d like to wear a shirt and trousers, I actually want to look nice. I do however adore your style, so thank you for sharing x

Pip: You always look nice. Just wear what you usually wear.

Lista: Thanks Pip but dressing for a social is surely different. I don’t think people want to see a me wearing my dungarees whilst socialising. Every other person is going to look attractive and beautiful. I want to make a good impression. I don’t want to look like the resident engineering troll.

Drew: You are the resident engineering troll.

(I hate to say it, but he’s not wrong).

Si: No comment.

Lista: You guys are fucking useless. Thanks ever so much. If you ever need help about what to wear, consider me out.

Si: I can dress myself perfectly fine. Thanks for the offer though.

(Si is the single most infuriating human being I’ve ever met. Although he is one of the most protective too. I love him, but gosh he’s an annoying shit)

Lista: I hate you.

Si: I Love you too.

I do genuinely love him.

Lista : I need some new friends.

I type all of this with a smile on my face. I love our group dynamic so much. I’m a lucky woman to have such good friends.

Flic: (See— Gif of a monkey slowly peeling a banana)

I end up wearing my black shirt dress with bare legs and my slightly heeled boots. I have St?tte, my cane, so I feel a little more confident being stood for longer. Plus it helps people to give me some space too. I’d usually try to cope without for something like this, but my needs are more important than all else. I have my knee-high socks packed away for when I get tired of prying eyes, and once I’ve finished welcoming potential newcomers. It’s not that I’m embarrassed of myself and my needs. I love my prosthetic. But in situations with new people, I’d just rather not have to tell the story of my life, injury and all that, twenty times over. Although I do love making up incredible stories to my nieces and nephews every time they ask me questions about it. I am naughty. I pair the outfit with my black blazer and a black belt with gold details. I lightly curl my hair and even put on a gold necklace and my dangly dopamine and serotonin earrings hanging from my stretchers. I feel nice. Despite not knowing what to wear, and having zero helpful input from the guys, I feel good. I’m not too casual and not too dressed up, so win-win! Plus, I still feel professional.

The event seems to have some very non-professionally dressed groups of people. When I first turned up, the outside made me feel like I was on a night out, rather than an organised event run by a university. Many students in younger years are showing more than necessary for a social open evening. Quin may be in for some attention this evening. These people look good, don’t get me wrong, but the vibes I’m getting from them are that of club goers. Maybe I’m just jealous of the tremendous cleavage, perfectly sculpted backsides and flawless makeup. Perhaps. Drew and the guys are all dressed smart-casual. Shirts, smart shoes and some of them in blazers too. They look good. I’m proud to be with them. Well, other than pierce, who is currently chatting up said club goers and pretending to be more important than he actually is. Thankfully he hasn’t yet noticed me. He turned up after my talk, so unbeknownst to him, I’m not here. So I’m trying to blend in as I make my way to the bar, and hopefully for the rest of the evening. If it wasn’t for my rather ‘out there’ lower leg, I’d be great at blending in. But, as I’ve learnt throughout my life. It’s good to stand out and be your own person. Pip reminds me of this consistently. He is the most unapologetically authentic person I have ever met.

Unapologetically himself. I wouldn’t change a thing about him, or any of the guys for that matter. I’m happy to deal with the occasional infuriating things that they do.

I get to the bar without being seen by a certain dickhead and grab myself a drink whilst chatting briefly with Professor Peters about Quin being my new advisor. He wishes me well and says what a good team Quin and I make. “You two are both so alike. He will be able to shed tremendous light on biomechanical topics. He’s one of the brightest young lecturers and biomechanical engineers I know Lista. I can see great things coming from your partnership for this research”. He seems to think highly of Quin. It’s nice to hear. I certainly think highly of him too. Wink wink.

“I agree. It’s going very well so far. Quin’s been a huge help. I’m grateful for you putting me on his schedule. I couldn’t have asked for a better advisor”.

“Did you and Quin know each other prior to meeting on campus? You seem to naturally have a good rapport considering the little time you’ve known one another” He asks. For some reason his question makes me nervous. I don’t want to say something wrong or get Quin into trouble.

“We met briefly on New Year’s Eve. We both happened to be out of the city on a break and our paths crossed. It was a pleasant surprise to see that he’s a lecturer here” I say. Hoping I’ve not made the wrong move. Honesty is the best policy after all, right?

“I had a feeling you both knew one another. I’ve never seen two people get on so well instantly. I look forward to seeing more from you both”. He looks over my shoulder and smiles. Raising his eyebrows.

“I’ll leave you to it anyway Lista” he says, placing a warming hand on my shoulder as he walks past me.

Quin appears from behind me, lightly brushing my back with his hand as he walks to stand next to me.

“Evening” he says to me pleasantly.

“Hey. You just missed Professor Peters”.

“I just saw him as he walked away. He gave me a nice pat on the shoulder. You look great by the way” he says to me. His eyebrows lifting as his eyes scan my body.

I feel heat rise to my cheeks.

“Oh, thank you. I was panicking whilst choosing an outfit. And the guys were useless. Oli tried, but his idea of helping me choose an outfit was just him telling me what he’s wearing” I say laughing. He laughs with me. “And I’m not sure I’d quite rock a man’s baggy shirt the way you guys do”. I notice him swallow intensely.

I’m definitely not thinking of wearing Quins shirt, with nothing else on… I snap out of it almost instantly.

“I mean, the other women here look beautiful. I’m just not like them” I say laughing “It took me ages to figure out an outfit that was a balance of casual, smart, professional and appealing. I mean, I’ve turned up like this but seen countless younger students looking… I’m not really sure how to describe it” I say with a laugh under my breath. I realise how much I’ve been speaking and how little I’ve come up for air. It’s time to let him get a word in. Quin looks over my outfit, lingering a while longer than necessary, his hand still grazing my lower back. He leans in close to my ear. “Well, I think you look great Lista. I’m not sure many others got the brief to be honest”. I can feel his stubble brush against my face before he pulls back. I shiver.

“Well Quin, you look great too. I’m partial to rolled up shirt sleeves and tattoos” I say, perhaps coming across a little too flirtatious.

“Well thank you. I’m glad to see your legs on full show. It’s breathtaking Lista.” he says whilst looking at me with hooded eyes. For a moment I wonder what he means, but then realise he’s talking about my prosthetic. That is until he continues. “They both are” he says, smiling into his drink. He’s flirting back. Now I feel a little flushed. And lost for words. That’s a rarity.

“Cheers to that” I say.

We stand around talking for a while, killing the time before attending the lecturers talks. Quin stays with me, completely by choice it seems. I give him multiple chances to go off and do as he pleases, but he chooses to be my companion throughout. I’m definitely not complaining.

So far, I’ve done my own small talk and sat through Oli and Drew’s. They did a joint discussion about a collaboration they did recently, showing how STEM departments work alongside one another. I’ve also just sat in on Si’s too. I love Chemistry, but watching Si deliver on the topic is annoying. I love him, but he is a know it all, and I’m forever hearing about his research on the group chat and whenever we get together. It’s like I already know everything he’s discussed at his talk, because he’s run it by me before multiple times. It is astonishing though. After a difficult time in his life, he turned to Chemistry and now he's turned it into his career. He’s in the midst of a successful business start-up in drug development and I couldn’t be prouder. I was forced into also enduring Pierce’s talk too. There’s only so long you can fake going to the toilet for. Drew definitely would’ve called me out on it. Thankfully it’s over and I’m just standing around before meeting the guys. I feel a little strange and anxious when a group of younger students approach me. But I put on my welcome face and am excited to discuss the different engineering pathways with them.

“Hey, are you part of engineering” a young woman asks me.

“Hello. Yes, I’m a PhD student in mechanical engineering. Is there anything I can help you with?” I say in response. Burnt out, but excited to potentially offer insight.

“Oh, no, we’re fine. We just thought you were a lecturer or professor. We noticed you with the other lecturers and Professors earlier and were intrigued. So, you’re a student who hangs out with teachers? I bet that’s fun” she says with a huge girly grin. Laughing with the other girls. Ok this conversation is just bizarre. It’s becoming quite obvious now, who’s here for the right and wrong reasons.

“Oh, I suppose yes. My group of friends happens to comprise of a few STEM academic staff. I’ve known them since beginning my studies at the university. They were fellow students of mine, prior to becoming staff, so I suppose I’ve never seen it like that”. Is all I can think to say. Not that I owe them an explanation at all.

“Maybe we should get all cosy with the lecturers” the woman who appears to lead her little group says, “It’s always been a fantasy of mine” They all laugh. I do not laugh.

“Especially Dr Quin Russell. I wouldn’t mind being cosy with him” the other woman says.

As if on cue, Quin appears from behind me and lightly squeezes my arm. “Sorry if I’m interrupting. Lista, your drink” he says as he hands me my well needed beverage. Now that discussions are over, it’s safe to have a cheeky tipple.

“Thanks Quin. I was just explaining my relationship with the lecturers to this group of students. They thought I was a fellow member of staff like you, Drew, Si, and Oli”.

“And Dr Pierce” the woman interrupts.

I get agitated and tense up. I feel like Quin tenses slightly too for some reason. “Oh, and Quin, this student was particularly interested in your role and our relationship too” I say with a pissed off expression. Quin rolls his eyes. This is the kind of inappropriate bullshit that Quin is sick of.

“I bet you get an advantage, being so friendly with them all” she says. And that’s when I freeze and feel the anger boil within me. Would a man be treated like this if he were in my situation? I flip.

“If you’re insinuating that my academic success has anything to do with my personal relationships with members of the university staff, I’d appreciate you rethinking. I’ve worked my way up as a disabled woman in STEM and done a good job of it without the need to rely on any men. Hell, I have less limbs than any of them and I’ve still managed to become a success. As I have already said, I’ve been friends with the lecturers, even Dr Quin prior to them becoming lecturers here. So, I’d appreciate you just stop this nonsense now. Because I’m not having my reputation questioned by people who don’t know me. If you need to become friendly ” I say sarcastically “with the lecturers in order to achieve academic success, be my guest. But exclude me from this narrative. And a little food for thought for your clearly narrow minds, would you have questioned a male on this?” they look at each other in shock, the thought clearly circling in their stubborn little heads. “Yeah, I thought so”. I say as I walk away. I look at Quin with a sorry expression as I walk past him. It's not the first time I’ve been questioned and undermined by someone due to being a woman or being disabled, or just choosing a career in STEM, but it still stings. I work hard. I don’t deserve arseholes treating me like shit, as though they have a right and reason to. I’ve learnt to walk away from these things for my own sake. I can reflect when I’m in a more neutral mindset. I head towards a vacant bar table, place my drink on it and stand there, catching my breath and regaining composure. Just when I think I can breathe again, I’m thrown straight back on edge again by two hands squeezing my waist, followed by a whisper in my ear. “Look at you being a cock tease. You look insane Lista”. The smell of alcohol is strong on his breath. He makes me feel disgusting. I want to teleport home, out of this moment and curl up away from the world.

It's too much for one day. I can’t take much more. Is what I’m wearing too sexy? This is my fault, isn’t it?... For just being a woman. I’m a shame to my sex. I start to panic internally, feeling my blood pressure rise. I begin to spiral, feeling trapped. “Pierce, please don’t” I manage to say through my feelings of disgust at myself. He’s pressing up against my ass and my back. I can feel him press his lower region against me harder.

“How can I not when you look like this . You’re the one who turned up looking this fucking good” he says as he kisses my neck, nipping my skin slightly, and then squeezes my arse before walking away after whispering into my ear “I’ll make sure to find you later and feel you again”. It is my fault.

My thoughts are spiralling dangerously, and I feel like I’m losing control. My head starts to feel strange. I feel foggy and disconnected from reality, almost. I stand still for a moment, trying my hardest to breathe. I’m a statue of disgust, reminding every woman around me what not to be. I’m an embarrassment to women in STEM. My panic worsens. I can feel my insides start to shake. The familiar hands around my throat, restricting my breathing. My breath becomes rapid and everything around me becomes louder. I can feel my skin brushing against the fabric of my clothes. The smell of alcohol, a mixture of everyone’s perfume and heavy air floods my senses.

I need to leave. I need to leave.

I’m not fully aware of myself, as if I’m in a fever dream. Things are hazy, like I’m on a battlefield full of fog and overwhelming noise. I half stumble, half walk out the doors briskly and make my way to the side of the building out of sight. I’m unsure of how long I stand there. Seconds. Minutes maybe. But out of nowhere a hand lands at my forearm, brushing it lightly. I react in the only way I can right now, screaming out. I am in pure survival mode and all of my reactions I can rarely claim as my own, since they happen without prior consent from my usual self. I can’t speak or make sense of anything around me. I’m crying now. I don’t see who is with me because my mind is spinning, but I can imagine it’s Pierce. He’s cornered me. I’m unsafe, alone and away from people. He can do what he wants with me like before. I need to escape. As I try to flee, rapidly breathing, wobbly on my feet, moaning in pain from the sensory overload, I feel warm arms around me pulling me just tight enough to feel grounded but not crowded. It’s not Pierce. He doesn’t touch me like this. I’m safe. “It’s me. Callista, you’re ok. It’s Quin. You’re safe sweetheart. I’m here”. I melt into the big wall that happens to be Quins body. He continues holding me, only releasing me with one arm briefly.

The next thing I know, I’m surrounded by Drew, Oli, Reed, Pip and Si. I’m sat at a table outside, well away from the building where everyone resides. Drew is sat next to me on my left-hand side, drawing gentle circles on my back whilst I come back to reality as the seconds go by. Si is sat on my right, acting like he doesn’t care, but under the table has his hand on my leg to show he’s there whilst letting me lean on his shoulder. The others are sat around the table, concerned. I notice Quin walking away in the distance.

“I’m sorry. I just tried to leave. I needed to go home. I didn’t want to burden anyone” I say through tears and panicked breaths. Drew places his hand over mine. “Lista, in the nicest way possible, shut the fuck up. Quin noticed you leave in a hurry and came to see if you were ok. You had a panic attack and I’m assuming sensory overload. He wanted to make sure you felt safe. He texted me as soon as he could to let me know what was going on. He made sure you were safe with us before heading off”.

I’m so confused. Why isn’t he staying. Have I annoyed him? “Why isn’t he here Drew?”. “Lista, he was worried that you didn’t feel safe around him. He noticed how you reacted when he first approached you. He wanted you to be surrounded by us, so that you’d feel at ease”. Shit. I’ve fucked up.

The guys see me into a taxi before heading back into the event. Pierce is standing waiting for them, looking over at me. I dip my head and sink into the taxi seat, hoping he didn’t notice me. “I need to change the destination if that’s ok” I say to the driver.

“Of course. Where would you like to go?” says the nicest taxi driver I’ve ever met. Seriously I felt myself relax just by getting into the car. How is that even a thing. Vibes and all. The taxi ride was nice, and certainly needed. I used the journey to come back to my neutral mindset. This included discussing how incredible the vegan treats are at Cosy Corner Coffee with the taxi driver the entire journey. It was a must after discovering a mutual love for the café. I mean, what better to brighten your spirits and ground you than the thought of a good coffee and slice of cake? When we arrive at my destination, I get out of the taxi, walk up to the house with haste and ring the doorbell. Quin opens the door, and his face is a picture; Shock, concern and anger, but mostly filled with worry. He looks... distressed. “Lista, what are you doing here? … Get inside” he says forcibly, but full of compassion and care. He guides me in, his hand on my lower back. His house is beautiful.

Cream walls, surrounding a dark deal accent wall. Black and grey comfortable furniture. Clean, decluttered and slick, but still warming and homely. He guides me to the sofa and places a blanket at my side.

“Give me a minute Lista”, he says before walking into a room that I assume is the kitchen. I can’t help but feel calm here. I feel…safe, warm and at ease. I sigh in relief as that feeling of ease encompasses my body. I feel content being with Quin, knowing I can explain to him how I do , in fact, feel safe with him. Since I made him feel shitty earlier.

I look around and notice the table in the centre of the room is topped with a neat pile of books and a plant. The TV is playing relaxing music, with a beautiful winter scene displayed on the screen, and there is a book on the arm of the sofa with a bookmark in it too. He must have been reading before I kindly disturbed him.

There’s something so attractive about a guy who reads. He comes back a few minutes later with two mugs topped with cream. He places them on the table in front of the sofa and sits closely beside me, but still honouring my space enough to let me breathe.

“Lista, you should be at home. Why are you here?... you know what, that doesn’t matter. I’m sorry” he says, closing his eyes and sighing deeply. “Look, something clearly happened earlier and all I wanted was for you to be ok. So, I guess I’m just confused that you’re here”, he says calmly, looking down at his legs.

“Quin, I had to make sure you knew that I feel safe around you. Drew told me you left earlier after he and the guys arrived because you wanted me to feel safe. I couldn’t bear the thought that you felt shit. I… I”. and there it goes again. Words stuck, tears filling my eyes and the overwhelming feeling that I’m the one to blame for this entire night.

My eyes are shut as I ground myself, tapping into my logical mind to avoid a panic attack being triggered. That’s when I feel a comfortable heaviness at my core. Quin has placed a hot water bottle in my lap, against my abdomen. His hand gently placed on top of my left shoulder. “Focus on your breathing, Lista. I’m here. It’s ok”. I open my eyes and meet his hand with mine. Both resting gently upon my shoulder.

“I’m just…sorry Quin”. He moves closer to me. Being here, inside the walls of his welcoming home, with him is the perfect amount of stimulation. It’s calming, visually decluttered, audibly comforting and a beautiful temperature. I’m not overwhelmed or crowded, and the more time I sit here, with him near, I slowly heal.

“Lista, you have nothing to apologise for. All I want is for you to feel ok. So just breathe, relax and try to empty your mind of worry. I’m ok. In fact, I’m even better now that I can make sure you’re ok”. He leans toward the table and passes me the mug. It’s hot chocolate. The feeling of familiarity fills me with comfort. Every time I’ve been with Quin, we’ve shared a hot chocolate.

There’s something odd about it that grounds me and pulls me back to earth. He gets me. And a mutual love for warm beverages is enough to bring anyone together.

We talk for hours before he gets me a taxi home. I avoid bringing up what triggered my episode though. It’s my fault anyway, so I’ll just process it in my mind, lock it inside that vault and do what I always do; Act like everything is ‘A ok’. I’m scared he’ll think it was all just me hugely overreacting, so it’s easier to just keep my lip sealed. Despite the holding back on my end, something beautiful does happen though. He asks me a question that means a lot to me. “Lista. I just need to ask you something. As bizarre as it may seem to ask this. Are you ok with hugs?”.

My heart warms. I’m rarely asked by anyone about this. They just assume I’m happy with physical contact, and I’m too proud to say otherwise. “I’m sorry if this is an awkward thing to ask, but I’m just so worried about making you feel uncomfortable, and if you ever need me in situations like earlier, the last thing I want to do is make you feel worse. I know some people feel worse when they’re hugged, so I guess I just want to hear it from you so I know how to be there for you in the best way I can”. A tear comes to my eye again.

“Quin, that’s really kind of you to ask. Usually, I don’t like hugs unless it’s from people I trust”. He puts his head down, sighing. Until I continue what I was saying. “And I trust you Quin. When I realised it was your arms surrounding me earlier when I was panicking, I immediately knew I was safe. When I came around from the episode and saw you walking away, I needed to come back to you, hence why I came here. I needed you to know how safe I felt when you were with me”. The next thing I know, he's moved closer to me and wrapped his arms around me. I wrap mine around his and we melt into each other before he loosens his grip and leans his forehead against mine. Our faces are so close and my heart races. I wish he’d grab my face and kiss me right here, but I think I’ve honestly had enough excitement for one day. He pulls back and looks into my eyes. We hold each other’s gaze, but his eyes keep trailing down to my lips. He looks pained and hungry, as though he’s struggling to keep himself at bay, but pulls away, looking down. It’s a good job he has it all together, because my mindset right now is not the steadiest and I may do things I regret. Although I’d love to sink into him even more and lose myself to his big, warm body, I have so many things that need to be considered. Right now is not the time to do so. Not after everything that has happened today. So I also pull back and lift my mug, finishing off my hot chocolate. The calming music setting the scene. I leave shortly after, full of confusion from everything about today.