Chapter 16

Lista Playlist: It’s Ok – Nightbirde live version

The weekend goes by quickly. I’ve stayed home, ordered in coffee and cake to treat myself, and I’ve taken time to heal. Since Drew has been working and couldn’t get here until late evening, Si has been around every day to check in with me, ensuring I have the right foods, drink and vitamins. You see, he does have a heart. It’s just super deep within and takes a while for an outsider to locate it. When you do though, he’s a keeper. I’m pretty sure he’s resisting asking me if he can sleep at the foot of my bed like a guard dog. He really is intense when he cares. Flic has even come over to have a few evenings of watching films which has been exactly what I’ve needed. Drew ordered me a ring doorbell the night that shit went down with Pierce. He installed it the next day and hooked it up to my phone so that I never have to answer the door without knowing who’s there.

We’ve spoken a few times about what happened and I’m still unsure about reporting it to the police and the university.

I want to prevent this from happening to anyone else, but I’m terrified. I’m scared that people won’t believe my side of things and that they’ll take his word that it was all consensual. I can imagine him downplaying it as just flirting. So it’s a vicious cycle in my mind. This is the conclusion I keep reaching, so I know that until I’m sure, I need to leave that trail of thought and focus on getting back on my feet. Recovery takes time. Hell, sometimes it’s a never-ending journey. Mental and physical healing isn’t done instantly, and I’ve realised throughout life to be gentle with myself. I don’t need to rush. When I’m strong enough, I will do the right thing, and in the back of my mind, I know exactly what that means.

I use the weekend to gather my thoughts and have a mental and physical declutter and organisation. I go through my wardrobe and sort out items to sell, things to give to charity and things that will only benefit from seeing the inside of the bin. I’ve photographed my fancier clothes and put them onto Vinted to sell, and Si has driven the bags of unwanted clothes to our local homeless charity to be reused and re-loved. I’ve sorted my kitchen and done an order of fresh food, plus I’ve deep cleaned, and I honestly feel brand new. For me, decluttering my home helps me clear my mind and reorganise those mental boxes. 100% recommend. The next day I aim to go back to campus, but it proves difficult. I wake up and realise it’s harder than I thought it would be. The realisation that I’d have to face both Quin and Pierce in lectures, in the hallways and in general. It hit me harder than I’d anticipated and pushed me back a few steps.

I wrote a lengthy email to Professor Peters and explained that something had taken place over the weekend and that I’d be on campus later than expected. His reply is something I hadn’t quite expected. I had to read it twice.

From : [email protected] Subject : Re. Return to campus

Callista,

Regarding your email, I must be fair and treat you the way all tutors are expected to with their students. Therefore, the longer you stay away from campus, I will have to consider taking your absences to higher ups. The university does not tolerate prolonged absences, other than in exceptional circumstances. If you wish to discuss this any further, you will need to come onto campus.

Dr Lance T Peters Head of Engineering

I’m absolutely fuming about this response. I have no idea who has shit in his cereal, but to take it out on me is unacceptable. Not only has he failed to even ask about my circumstances and reasons, but he’s making me feel like I’m burdening him. I’d understand if this was a common occurrence from me, but I’ve rarely had any time off since I began my journey in higher STEM education almost ten years ago.

I’ve maybe missed a few hours across the span of a term whilst having my prosthetic changed or when having physio, but the majority of the time, I plan it so that my days at Uni aren’t impacted. I’ve always been a high achiever with perfect punctuality and near perfect attendance, and yet the one time I’ve been through hell and back and in need of some time away, I’m penalised for it. Fucking guy.

Within an hour, I’m dressed, with some war paint on (makeup, to those who need that narrative reworded), and I’m in my car on my way to the university. His email was the kick up the arse my mind needed, to give me the ‘fuck you’ energy to face my fears and kick some ass. Main character energy right there. That’s what’s getting me through this. Although I do still want to stay in the comfort of my blankets and shed a few tears whilst stuffing my face with Lilah’s vegan treats from Cosy Corner Coffee.

I arrive on campus and head straight to Peters’ office. I knock, and despite not hearing him call out, open the door and walk in.

“Oh, hi Callista. I didn’t expect you back so soon”, he says in greeting.

“Oh, did you not? Because your email wasn’t as understanding as you’re sounding right now. So, I thought I’d come in and discuss this face to face as you required. And before you say anything, I’m here now and I’m planning on staying, despite my internal struggles after the nightmare I had over the weekend. Thanks for asking by the way. So no need for the big discussion about my circumstances. I do however need to be removed from all lectures that Professor Pierce will be attending. That is all I need from you and then I won’t bother you any further”. As soon as I stop talking, I’m in both shock and awe at myself. Yes. Bitch.

He looks up from his desk after examining something on his computer and looks like I’ve just offended him dearly.

“Callista, I don’t appreciate your tone. And whatever has happened between you and Doctor Pierce doesn’t mean I can just dismiss you from classes he’s in. Just because you may have had a little fallout doesn’t warrant you to avoid him in educational settings –.” I interrupt him.

“Oh, Professor, I can assure that a ‘little fallout’ doesn’t quite capture my situation. I would also like to say that regardless of whether I’m removed from the classes he attends or not, I will not be in them”.

“Well, Callista, if all students were just able to choose which classes they did and didn’t attend when they please, because of silly fallouts, we’d be in a bit of a pickle wouldn’t we? So, if you insist on missing classes, I’m afraid I will have to report you to the higher ups and have your education with us reviewed.”

The fucking cheek of this man. He has still failed to ask me what happened but continues as If I’m a child. At that moment, I do in fact, lose my shit.

“Well for your information, professor, over the last two weeks I have been sexually harassed and assaulted on two separate occasions by Doctor Pierce. Once at the faculty social, hence my absence last week, and once on Friday evening, in my home, after he turned up and forced his way in uninvited. This ” I say tilting my head and pulling my top collar down “is from him biting my neck, whilst pushing me against the wall. And this” I say lifting my top slightly “is just one of the marks he left on my abdomen from his hands gripping me as I tried to get him off me. So no , I will not be attending sessions when he is present, and if you’d like to report me, be my guest, but I will fight my case. If you deem my reasons silly or childish then I’m sure higher ups would like to know how little you consider harassment to be an issue. Oh, and I don’t appreciate your tone or lack of care, not even attempting to ask me what had happened before penalising me and assuming my situation was like that of a primary school child. Now, I’m going to a study room and working on my research, alone. And I will be making a case against Pierce as soon as I feel able to. Thank you for your time.” He doesn’t say anything as I walk out. I run, keeping my head down, to my study room and lock the door behind me as I burst into tears.

There’s a knock at the door. I freeze, blood rushing through my body and I’m terrified that it’s Pierce. I turn, move the blind slightly to the side and see someone through the narrow window in the door. It’s Quin. I open the door and instantly feel relieved. “Quin, it’s not a great time” I say as I open the door.

“Callista, what’s wrong?” he says, full of genuine concern. He looks like he hasn’t slept.

“Quin, in the nicest way possible, does it really matter to you?” I say whilst looking down. “I just needed to be away from classrooms and lecture theatres right now. So, I’m studying in my own space instead if that’s ok. Don’t worry Quin. I’m fine”.

He looks around and then looks down, reaching for my hand as he steps slightly inside the room where the door is ajar. “Lista, I’m sorry, ok. I can’t explain at the moment, but I just saw you rush in here upset and I wanted to make sure everything was ok” he says, brushing his thumb against my hand as he holds it gently. I want to be wrapped up in his arms more than anything. His presence stops the world from spinning. He’s the calm to my storm.

“Quin. Nothing is ok right now… but it will be. Don’t worry about me. Just get on with your day. I’ll be fine” I say as he lets my hand go and steps out of the doorway. “I won’t stop worrying, but I trust you and respect your wishes. Just please… please be ok” he says pleadingly as he walks away. But after only a few steps, he turns back.

“Lista… One day I’ll be able to tell you why…” he stops, almost as if he’s rethinking what he’s trying to say “Just trust me when I say that I’m not ok either, because I’ve been away from you, but I’m doing it for you. I… Fuck , I just can’t explain it right now. Just please be ok” he finishes speaking, and then walks away this time with his head down, shaking. I’m so confused. I thought he regretted kissing me, but that encounter was far more…intimate than I’d expect.

I spend the rest of the day studying, researching and finding ways to fill the void that is now my mind. I’m a bundle of confusion, anxiety, and what-the-fuckery, to put it one way. After getting some work done and managing to briefly forget my current kerfuffle, I head home. I even make a draft email to send out in order to get a case made against Pierce. It’s far from finished, but it’s a start, and that’s what matters. The hardest part is starting something. The rest will follow. I can only thank Professor Peters for activating ‘get shit done and fight back’ Lista. She’s boss .