Chapter 15

*Trigger warning – Sexual assault*

Lista Playlist: Human – Christina Perri

It’s late Friday afternoon. I’m recovering from the hurt I feel slowly. Seeing Quin was a surprise last night. It hurt, but I’m a tough cookie (A vegan one anyway), and let’s face it, I’ve been through similar before. No, I’ve been through much worse and gotten through it. I can do this. When the person I was last dating decided I wasn’t good enough for him and ghosted me for a while before telling me straight, I fell hard. Every time I looked in the mirror, I hated what I saw, because I saw myself the way he saw me; Not good enough. Unworthy of his love, and not like the other girls he deemed beautiful. I lost weight because I couldn’t eat. I was devastated that my biggest fears had come true. I was convinced it would keep happening because I wasn’t slim, toned, super fit, bleach blonde, and that I have imperfections.

But then I fucking woke up one day and changed the narrative. He wasn’t good enough for me . He didn’t deserve me , and one day someone will come along and love me for exactly who I am; A petite, curvy nerd who is just as beautiful as any model on any magazine cover. I am beautiful in my own way. Just because I don’t look like societies idea of perfection, doesn’t mean that I’m not. I say, society, you are fucking wrong bab. That’s why this time, I’m not letting myself be the blame. I’ve been ‘the mistake’ before with men. They like the idea of getting to know me and then getting to know my bed, until they realise my body is different. It’s all fun and flirting until they see my leg, or lack thereof. ‘Oh, it’s fine’ they say when they’re with me, and then ghost me or tell me they’ve changed their mind once they get behind their phone screens. They can never tell me to my face though. They only ever gain the courage when there’s a keyboard in front of them. Fucking keyboard warriors. Quin clearly thought twice after kissing me the other night. His problem. I’ve just gotten out of the loveliest bubble bath and finished putting my prosthetic back on when the doorbell rings. I quickly get my robe on before running to the door, thanking my stars that I decided to put my leg back on this evening, otherwise whoever’s at the door may have left by the time I get there. It’s probably just a delivery, but since I don’t have a porch, or safe place, I always try to get to the door.

I should probably invest in a ring doorbell. That’s exactly what I think when I open my door. It’s Pierce. I now kind of wish I didn’t have my prosthetic on, so that I could’ve taken a long time, and he would’ve kindly fucked off.

“Pierce, hi. It’s not a good time” I say, as I close the door over, but he catches it with his foot. He pushes it open.

“Hey sweet, I was just checking in on you. I haven’t seen you since the social. I’ve been thinking about you” he says, putting a hand on my arm. I flinch backwards.

“Pierce, It’s not necessary honestly. I’m fine. I was just in the bath, so –.” he interrupts, walking in and closing the door behind him.

“Ooo in the bath ay? Lucky me, seeing you in your robe with nothing underneath” he says with a raised eyebrow. Fucking creep. He makes me feel sick.

I walk away over to my phone, internally panicking. I don’t feel safe. Especially after what happened at the faculty social, and the nature of the text messages he’s been sending. Whilst I doubt he’d do anything to hurt me in my own home, I can’t rely on hope alone here. SSDGM. And after what happened before, I feel better to put something in place. So, I decide to do something I’ve never done; I text Drew the code . I can only hope he sees it. Lista: (Two black hearts and a house = I need help. It’s urgent. I’m at home)

“Look Pierce, I’m not feeling up for socialising right now. I’m taking some time for myself”.

“Lista, I’m just checking in. I care about you. I wanted to be here for you.” he says, sure of himself. As if he has a conscience. He walks towards me, and I step back into the wall. Nowhere else to go. I decide to tell Pierce straight.

“Pierce, I don’t feel ok with you being here. I left the social because you made me feel uncomfortable by what you said to me. I felt disgusted in myself for what I was wearing. So please leave”. He crowds me, leaving little space between us.

“Lista. I’m sorry but I think you’re overexaggerating”. Nothing like a little bit of gaslighting is there?

“I was just playing around and giving you a compliment. You know what I’m like. Plus, we’ve got this little thing between us haven’t we, sweet? I’m sorry for upsetting you”. He says the last part with some sincerity, whilst leaning towards me and wrapping his arms around me for a hug. He briefly makes me feel bad for saying those things and I start to question whether I’m the one taking it the wrong way… that is why I didn’t tell anyone how I felt, after all, isn’t it?

“Pierce, it’s fine”.

But I realise that actually, no , it is not fine. But right now, more than anything, I just want him to leave.

I stand awkwardly but provide a quick and swift pat to his back in a friendly manner. That’s when he brings his hands to meet my waist as he plants his face in my neck and breaths against my skin. I shiver and fidget rigidly. I try to pull away but his grasp on me is strong. He’s taller and stronger than me, so trying to wriggle out of his hold is difficult. He whispers into my ear and tears fill my eyes. “Do you know how long I’ve wanted you. How much I’ve wanted my hands on you” he says possessively.

“Pierce, please let me go. This isn’t right” I say shakily.

“Babe, it’s just me and you here right now”. Yeah, fucking tell me about it. “Don’t fight it. You know you want it”. I hate this. I wish I could disappear. I try harder to move. He just continues talking and touching me. “We can do whatever we want to do, like last time ” he says and then kisses and nips at my neck with force. I yelp, tears filling my eyes to the brim, beginning to overflow. My neck stings from where he nipped me, and I feel dirty. Him reminding me of last time makes me want to vomit. I’m scared. No. Fucking terrified.

“Pierce, I don’t want to do anything. I want you to leave. Please Pierce”. I plead with him.

“You said that last time. Always playing hard to get” he persists, laughing under his breath and explaining that I’m in denial and that I know how we’re meant to be together. “Since the first day you came to the university all those years ago, I clocked you. The things I’ve wanted to do to you” he says with a roughness to his voice. He pushes me further back against the wall, so that I’m pinned in place and starts running his hands through the gap in my robe, loosening it, exposing my body. I squirm beneath his touch, and he tightens his grip. I can feel his nails scratching against my skin.

“Pierce, let me go right now. I don’t want this, and I don’t want to be with you, so please” I say, pushing my hands against his chest so that I can get away, but he grabs my hands and pushes them up against the wall above my head. I start to cry, continuing to plead with him to let me go. I think I hear the sound of someone outside the door and the rattle of keys, but with him crowding my every sense, focusing on much else is near impossible. “Stop resisting babe. You know you’ve dreamt of this. I’ll give you more than last time. Plus, Lista, do you really think anyone else will be as understanding about your body as I am. Look at how many guys have ditched you because of your leg. Count yourself lucky that I see past it”. He’s kissing my neck again and making his way up to my lips. He bites my bottom lip, and I move my head to the side. He continues trying any way he can. In that moment, I believe him about my leg and how other guys see me, and I feel lost.

I can’t escape his grip no matter how hard I push against it. I’m alone.

I close my eyes and try to go into a different world in my mind, to numb myself to what’s happening like I did last time, knowing I can’t get away. But Pierce has moved his mouth over my breasts, nipping at my flesh aggressively, and I cry louder, begging him to stop. That’s when I hear footsteps getting closer, louder and more hurried. I forgot I messaged Drew the code. I’m praying it’s him I hear, using the key he has for my apartment.

It is. He walks around the corner and sees us, briefly making eye contact with me, before realising what is happening. He probably heard my cries and Pierces voice before all else. His expression changes. An anger crosses his face that I’ve never seen before. He runs towards where Pierce has pinned me against the wall and grabs him by the shirt, pulling him backwards, peeling him off me. I cry, gathering my robe around me to cover my body and wrap it between my legs before sliding down the wall onto the floor, tucking my knees into my chest, hugging them. I plant my head into my legs to shield my eyes from Pierce. I try to zone out again, but the background noise is loud. I place my hands over my ears. Everything around me is muffled and the dizziness finds me, making me feel like the room is spinning around me. I struggle to keep balanced, despite being sat on the floor and against the wall.

I hear Drew raising his voice and cry at the sudden relief that someone is on my side.

“How fucking dare you lay a hand on her. And you didn’t think to stop when she told you to. When she said no. When she started fucking crying. No. You’re a fucking monster Pierce. How could you do this to her? She’s meant to be your friend! And what the fuck did you mean by last time?” Drew says. Gritting his teeth. Pierces response comes next, but I tighten my grip around my ears so that I don’t hear his voice. What if he accuses me of wanting this. What if Drew believes him. What if I am to blame. Drew speaks again. “It’s harassment Pierce. She said no and you continued. You took advantage of her and exposed her in her own fucking home. Now get. out. Before I fucking throw you out. And if you ever even look at her again, you’ll know about it. She is one of the most important things in the world to me, and I’d soon destroy you before letting you touch another hair on her head. Don’t message her. Don’t look at her. Don’t speak to her. Understood? Now get out”.

I hear Drews voice near me and feel a warm glow around me before feeling a light pressure around my arms. I lift my head out of my knees. Drew has enveloped me in a hug. We come face to face, and in that moment, I realise I’m safe. He chose me. Not Pierce.

“Drew… This has been going on for a long time. I’m so sorry” I say, sobbing. I have no idea what else to do, but just tell him as it is.

“Lista, what do you mean? Why haven’t you said anything?”.

I reach over to grab my phone from the side table, pull up the message thread from Pierce and let him read it. He holds my phone in one hand and covers his mouth with the other.

“Lista, why didn’t you tell me this was going on? He didn’t touch you before, did he?” he asks. Concern rushes over his features.

My face falls and I burst into tears further at his question. I manage to speak in sentences, despite fluctuating between hiccupping and crying. “He was the reason I had a panic attack at the faculty social. He approached me and made me feel disgusting because of the things he said about my outfit”. My lip begins to tremble as I hesitate to go on, but Drew gently lays his hand on my back, giving me the strength to continue. “He touched me, squeezed my bum and…pushed his lower body against me. He was... hard. I could feel it. He kissed my neck too.” I put my palms over my eyes, rub until I see stars and then continue. “He forced me to kiss him when we went on that trip with the guy’s early last year. I was crying, but he continued. He had me cornered. That same night, he snook into my room… I woke up early hours in the morning because… he had his fingers inside of me... I didn’t want to tell you because he’s your friend. I thought you’d think he was just joking around or that it was consensual. I didn’t want to seem like I was blowing the situation out of proportion.

He kept on saying that he was joking and when I’d react, he’d tell me I was overexaggerating. I assumed everyone else would think the same”. Drews looks straight at me, eyes filled with tears, some falling down his face. He holds me again and whispers in my ear “I’m so sorry. I’m here now and I’ll never let this happen again”.

“Let’s get you into something more comfortable Lista”. Drew moves a step back and helps me onto my feet before guiding me into my room. He hands me some soft loungewear before walking away, closing the door over.

“I’m making hot chocolate. Come out when you’re ready” he says, making me smile despite how I’m feeling. I love him so much and I’m so grateful to have him in my life. I can see why Flic may very well be in love with him, even if she doesn’t even know it yet. He’s the most beautiful soul, and I get to call him my best friend. My eyes fill with tears again, but they’re warmer and full of happiness and contentment. I know that I’m safe, and I can’t quite explain the impact it has on my body. It’s like I’ve unclenched my muscles for the first time in years. I’ve felt so lonely for so long. But now I know I have people in my corner. I can’t help but want to hug the others and tell them how much I appreciate them.

Once I’ve gotten changed and taken my time to process what’s happened, I spend the rest of the evening drinking hot chocolate and watching reruns of New Girl with Drew and Flic. He called her over whilst I was changing. I’m unsure of whether he called her for moral support for himself, or for me, but either way, it’s perfect. Drew told the group what had happened, and I’ve never felt so protected in my entire life. They all messaged me, letting me know they were just a text away. Drew mentioned that Si actually shed a tear and almost punched something when he was told what had happened. Apparently he only settled when Drew assured him multiple times that I was ok and relatively unharmed. That sweet son of a bitch. Flic cried with me when she walked into my flat and we made eye contact. She wrapped me in her arms, and we sat side by side on the sofa before settling down. They both stayed with me to help me feel safer. It was exactly what I needed. I couldn’t help but think of Quin this whole time still. Him and I, sitting together with blankets and hot chocolate. When Drew held me as I cried, I imagined it was Quin. Even the way Drew and Flic look at each other takes my mind back to Quin. Never mind.