Chapter 14

Quin Playlist: ‘Let her go’ – Passenger

It’s been two days since I last saw Lista. She’s been off campus since, and I have every reason to believe that I’m the main cause. I acted like a fucking dick to her, and I hate myself for it, but one day I hope she’ll understand why I’m doing it. I’m doing it for her. Even though it’s killing me to stay away from her. She needs to be respected by people without being seen with me. I can’t bear the thought of people thinking her achievements are somehow linked to who she knows rather than the incredible work she consistently puts in. I know there’s something between us, but with Pierce threatening to talk shit about Lista, I’d rather deal with my internal pain and give Lista the best chance in her studies and career in STEM. She deserves the world, and I’ll do everything I can behind the scenes to make sure nothing compromises that.

Last night I received an email from Lista, cancelling our study session. It broke me, but I respect her decision. I just hope I don’t get taken from her research. There’s really no reason for me to continue contacting her then. I really can’t imagine my life without her now that I’ve had a taste of life with her in it.

From: [email protected] Subject: A quick update.

Quin,

I hope you are well. Sorry to bother you. As you may have heard from Professor Peters, I’m taking this week off, and working from home. I will therefore be cancelling our study session tomorrow - Friday evening. I’m sorry for any inconvenience caused by this or by any of my actions recently.

I will be in touch next week to sort out future study sessions. Alternatively if you wish to no longer be my advisor, do let me know.

Kind regards,

Callista Harper MSc PhD mechanical engineering student Lived experience practitioner

She’s hurting. It’s because of me. But this is better than the alternative, I keep telling myself.

It’s Thursday, the third day of not seeing her. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I’m heading out for a bowling and arcade night with the guys for what they call a ‘guys night’ . Despite not feeling the best in myself, I agree to go. Drew, Oli, Reed, Pip and Si seemed to realise that I seem off and invited me to cheer me up. If only they knew. It’s clear that Lista hasn’t mentioned any of what’s happened to the guys.

Otherwise I doubt I’d be getting any invitation to their gatherings. Drew would destroy me if he knew I’d hurt her. I feel like destroying myself.

I’ve considered not going, but Oli and Drew both insisted it’d be good for me. They know something’s up, but I’m not one to spread my business around, especially when it involves Lista, so I’ve just made up an excuse about feeling under the weather. They don’t prod any further, because they’re guys I guess, so I just carry on and try to act like I’m ok, even though I’m really fucking not.

I’m glad it’s a guy’s night, otherwise I’d have had to decline. Not that there’s anything wrong with the usual nights they have. But their gatherings usually involve Callista, and I couldn’t just gate crash, when she was there first after all. These are her safe people, and I’m not ruining that for her. But tonight, I’m safe to be around without making her feel uncomfortable. I realise it will be good to do something to just take my mind off her.

That is until halfway through the night, when she walks in.

We’ve already garnered some attention from a bridal party in the lane next to us throughout the night. They keep coming over to us, taking selfies and flirting. Any other guy would be happy with this arrangement, but all I can think about is holding Lista and how her legs were wrapped around my waist the other day on my desk.

We’ve just started the second game of bowling, and as I take my turn, I hear Drew and the guys talking to someone.

I turn around and make direct eye contact with Lista. Shit. At that exact moment, the tall blonde woman from the bridal party slaps me on the arse and they all erupt into laughter. “Sorry, it was a dare” she says and skips away. What fantastic timing. Lista sees the whole thing and looks down at the ground, walking in the opposite direction of where I am. Damn. I have sincerely fucked up again . I join the guys and acknowledge Lista normally so that the others don’t realise that something is up. We continue the game, but it comes to a pause when something malfunctions. Despite being engineers, we leave it to the staff to fix and use the malfunction as an excuse to top up drinks, grab snacks, take toilet breaks and have a look around the arcade.

On my way back from the men’s room, I notice Lista at an arcade machine alone. Not knowing whether I should or not, I just decide to walk over to her before thinking too much into it. She notices me and sighs, looking away but acknowledging me by speaking. “Quin. I didn’t even think to ask Drew if you were here when he texted me asking me to come, ok? so yeah. I’m not stalking you. I just thought I’d get out of the house for an hour” she says with a hint of anger. No wonder. I cannot and do not blame her for her anger and hostility at all. I’d feel the same if I were in her position. I just wish I could explain it to her without repercussions. “Callista. That’s not why I came over to you. You don’t need to explain why you’re here. You came to see your friends. It’s me who shouldn’t be here” I say, clearly with no effect because she still looks completely drained and pissed off. She doesn’t speak straight away; she continues assessing the machine she’s at whilst sipping her drink, before looking over at the lanes we were playing on and raising her eyebrows, followed by a huff. “So, I see you prefer tall, slim, flirty blondes with two full legs. Now I understand” she says, laughing into the air and shaking her head. She continues. “For the record though Quin. You kissed me back. You flirted with me , and you led me on. Sorry I’m not quite your type” she says before going to walk away. Before she does, I grab her hand and pull her back so that she’s facing me.

“Lista. That woman’s just from the lane beside us. They’ve been drinking and messing about all night. I’m not interested in her or any of them” I say, anger filling my body. “I’m fucking sorry, ok. I don’t mean to be a dick to you. I’m just trying to be professional and do the right thing” I say, almost pleading with her to understand.

“Oh so, what we did was the wrong thing? I see Quin” she says, choking up on the hurt I’m clearly causing her.

“No Lista, that’s not what I meant. Look. I’m your professor and people won’t understand. I don’t want this to impact your work. If people found out –.” She interrupts before I can finish what I was going to say. “I get it Quin. I just thought it might be worth it; you know. It’s rare that I find good things in my life. It felt good between us. Yeah, it’s complicated, but could’ve worked out. But it’s fine Quin. It doesn’t matter now. I get it” she says. It would’ve been worth it, but she has no fucking idea what Pierce has done and said. I can’t think of a response, so I just sigh as she walks away. “I’m sorry” I say last minute, but what’s done is done.

We spend the rest of the night apart, sharing quick glances at each other. It pains me to be apart from her. I want her next to me, holding my hand and in my arms, but instead I pretend everything’s fine and accept what life has handed to me. Well, what I’ve allowed to happen. We all leave relatively early since it’s a work night. Lista offers those of us who got a cab here, a lift. That includes me, which is surprising, since I’m her least favourite person right now. We all say our goodbyes before me, Drew and Oli get into Lista’s car. She drops Oli and Drew home first and then heads to my place since I live closest to her. We sit quietly with music playing on low. The tension between us has lessened, but I still want to just reach over to her and hold her in my arms. Just pretend that all of this shit with Pierce never happened, and we just remain content like we were. “Thanks for offering me a lift. You really didn’t have to. I appreciate it” I say. She smiles slightly and nods her head slowly, still a pained, tired, broken look on her beautiful face. “It’s no problem. I wasn’t going to make you guys pay for taxis when I’m driving, and you live so close”.

We sit in comfortable silence again before shortly pulling up to my house. “Well, thanks. It means a lot”. I’m unsure of what to say next before I leave. It’s just Lista and I, in a dark car, outside my house. Without really thinking about my words, I just speak. “Callista, I really fucking like you” I say, before leaning my head back against the head rest and scrunching my eyes shut briefly. She takes a deep breath and does the same thing, almost melting into the driver’s seat, wrapped in her soft cardigan. Even in such little light, she looks beautiful. The rage and intensity of my feelings for her is overwhelming. I’m surprised I’m able to sit still. I’ve never wanted someone this much in my entire life. It’s fucking painful being without, when we’re this close to each other. I want to pull her onto my lap, carry her up to my room and show her what she means to me. But I just sit here.

“Quin. I really like you too, but there’s always a but isn’t there. Like you said, you’re my professor and people won’t understand, so let’s just leave it at that before this gets any worse”. I reach my hand over and place it on hers before getting out of the car, saying nothing.