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20. Heller

20

HELLER

I have to walk to the club to get my car. Then I start driving, not exactly sure where I’m going. At a certain point I know where I’m headed. I’ve driven toward Emperor Donuts a million times before. Back when I first met Louisa, we went there because it was next to her office. After her company moved, I’d get her donuts there whenever she needed cheering up.

I should have brought her donuts already. She lost her twin two days ago. We aren’t as close as we used to be before Toby and Felix moved in with her, but that doesn’t give me a free pass. I stop by the donut store and get a dozen assorted donuts. At first, I head toward her office, then I change course.

I know Louisa well enough to be absolutely certain she isn’t working today. Not while Toby grieves his mothers and his sisters plan their funeral. She’ll be at home, doing something for her family. That’s just who she is.

I drive through the suburb where she bought a house about a year ago so Toby would have enough space for his family. I don’t think he knows how much the apartment she gave up to buy this place meant to her. I remember how proud she was of that apartment—how she put every penny she had into fixing it up and decorating it. She loved living downtown and being able to walk to her favorite restaurants.

Her house is the third one on the right. It has a cute red brick exterior with a happy yellow door. Louisa always makes the best of what she has. I think that’s part of the reason I’ve always respected her. She’s made a good life for herself as a single Gentoo omega. When I was younger, she was who I aspired to be. She never seemed anything less than content with being alone.

I wonder what she’ll think of me finding my fated mate. Maybe I should save that tidbit of information for another day.

I park my car and walk up the icy driveway. It’s still dark, because Anchorage this time of year is mostly dark, but the windows glow with light. I knock on the door. Normally, when I visit I hear the pitter patter of penguin chick feet behind the door before someone opens it. Louisa is normally laughing at their antics when she answers the door. She absolutely adores her little niblings.

It’s still Louisa who opens the door, but her face is haggard and she isn’t smiling. She looks down at the box of donuts in my hand.

“Oh, Heller. You didn’t have to,” she says.

I step inside her house and give her a hug. She returns the hug fiercely. We just stand there, with the cold Alaskan air at our backs for a long time.

She finally releases me and closes the front door.

“Come inside and I’ll make us some coffee,” she says.

I follow her into the house. It’s messier than normal, with toys strewn across the living room and dishes piled in the sink. The countertop has dozens of vases filled with flowers, and there’s a stack of cards at the end, all unopened.

Louisa gets out the coffee grounds and goes through the process of getting her coffee machine started. Her hands tremble as she pours the water into the back of the machine. She turns it on, but doesn’t turn around.

I give her time, letting the silence stretch between us. She stands there for almost a full minute before she finally walks around the counter and sits on the stool next to mine. Her eyes are glassy.

“You know my sister died.”

I nod.

“Of course you know. Toby probably told you when he brought the kids over. The worst part of it is that isn’t what everyone’s been focused on during the last twenty-four hours. My sister and her partner are dead…” Louisa’s voice breaks. She takes a deep breath. “My sister and her alpha are dead, but that doesn’t seem to matter to everyone. All they care about is her will.”

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“Normally, it’s the oldest alpha child who inherits. But if there isn’t an alpha child, then the youngest omega child inherits. That’s Toby. As you know, he’s left the church and community behind, so Marigold assumed she would be the one to inherit instead. But they didn’t change the will in time.”

I try to mask my shock. Felix has mentioned more than once that Toby is from a founding family. And not just any founding family—Toby’s moms owned a substantial amount of property on the polar bear shifter side of town, including the polar bear shifter welding school.

“Toby doesn’t want anything to do with it all. He just wants to raise his family and help put Felix through library school. But the Gentoo council is up in arms about the whole thing and making threats. I suggested that they sell everything off, so no one can bother us, but apparently the Gentoo managed to get all those properties categorized as sacred land. So only another Gentoo can buy them. It’s ridiculous. The Gentoo will band together and only pay a pittance of what they’re worth. I can promise you that. It’s all so stupid. Because I should be able to mourn my sister right now, and all I’ve been able to do is try to get Toby extricated from this whole mess.”

The property Toby inherited must be worth hundreds of millions of dollars. I wonder how much the Gentoo will give him for it all. It’s not like any of the Gentoo who’ve left have the kind of money to purchase property worth that much.

Louisa is right. He’ll probably have to sell it all for much less than it’s worth if he wants the Gentoo council to leave him alone.

“What if he sold it piece meal?” I suggest. “I could probably afford some of it, and there are a few other Gentoo who scored residency on Valentine’s Row who might be able to invest.”

Louisa sighs. “Maybe. At least that would give Toby and Felix enough money to live on.”

Then I remember that party Sergey threw on the night that would have been his high school graduation when he reached one hundred million in sales. That was back when he was eighteen. He’s thirty now. How many forty million dollar prosthetic hands has he made between now and then?

If he invested in Toby’s properties, he probably wouldn’t need to make prosthetics for the rich anymore. Those properties must generate a substantial amount of income.

“Does someone have to be 100% Gentoo to buy the properties?” I ask. “Genetically, I mean. Or could they be only half Gentoo?”

She narrows her eyes. “What do you mean?”

“What if they were half Gentoo and half polar bear shifter. Would that still count?”

“The only people we know who are half Gentoo and half polar bear shifter are children. I don’t understand what you’re getting at.”

I pull out my phone and do a browser search for Sergey’s name. The link to his company, Magic Metal Prosthetics, is the first result. I select it and find an “About Us” page with his picture. He’s wearing a white wig, but at least she'll have an idea of who he is. I hand my phone over to Louisa. She reads the screen, scrolling down several times.

“Sergey is half Gentoo.”

She looks up from my phone. “What? But his hair?—”

“Is a white wig. His real hair is gray.”

“Are you certain?” she asks. “How well do you know him?”

I have to tell her. I wasn’t planning to, but there’s no way around it. She has to know.

“He’s my fated mate. We just met a couple of days ago. That’s why I haven’t told you. I’ve been trying to process it myself.”

Her jaw drops. “You have a fated mate?”

“Um, yeah. I don’t know how I feel about it, but I do. It’s undeniable.”

She smiles, which feels like a triumph because of how miserable she is. “Congratulations. If congratulations are in order. Are you okay?”

“I’m doing better than you are,” I say.

She presses her lips together, which is Louisa code for, “I want to say something, but I won’t because I’m too polite to be blunt.”

“Just spit it out,” I tell her.

“No. If you don’t want to talk about it, we don’t have to,” she says.

“We should be talking about your sister or Toby’s inheritance. My hang-ups about finding a fated mate are silly by comparison. I’ll figure it out. I just need some time.”

She rolls her eyes. “Why would I want to think about how I ruined my relationship with my sister just a few months before she died by helping her kid run away from home, when I could focus on your love life instead?”

That sounds like the Louisa I know and love.

I open the box of donuts. “Eat. You look like you haven’t for a while.”

She rolls her eyes again, but she takes a donut. “I’m sure this sugary, nutritionally-vacant donut will give me the sustenance I need.”

“Oh, hush. You love these donuts and you know it.”

She takes a bite and closes her eyes. “Oh, God. I do. They’re so good. Now tell me about this guy. I thought you wanted to be single forever. You’ve told me this many, many times. It’s like a cornerstone of your personality.”

She’s right. It is.

“I do want to be single forever. I mean, I did. I mean, I planned to, but now I have a fated mate. So I either reject him and break his heart, or I go along with it.”

She winces. “That’s messy.”

“I haven’t even told you the worst part yet. Lark feels a connection to him too. He’s like their fated dad or something. I don’t know. And he’s perfect in every way. I’m not even exaggerating. You saw his picture, so you know that he’s hotter than hell, but he’s also thoughtful and successful.”

“And he literally makes prosthetics for kids?” Louisa says.

“Yes! He’s basically the world’s most perfect everything. It’s ridiculous. If he was a jerk, then I wouldn’t lose sleep over kicking him to the curb, but he put a water glass and Tylenol on my nightstand this morning because we drank together last night. Also, he has a penguin shifter knot, and it’s absolutely enormous. He has probably ruined me for sex with other men.”

Louisa smirks.

“What’s that face?” I ask.

“You like him.”

I groan. “Of course I like him. How could I not? Liking him isn’t the same as wanting a mate.”

She takes another bite of her donut. “True. What are you worried about, exactly?”

“I’m not a one-alpha kind of guy. I like to sleep around,” I say.

“And he doesn’t want you to have sex outside your relationship?”

I take a donut for myself and turn away from her. “I told you he was perfect, so of course he’s okay with me having sex with other people. That’s the annoying part. I’m not allowed to protest any of this because he’s exactly the right person for me in every way. He even has to travel for work, so he’ll be gone half of the time, and I can still have my solitude.”

Louisa sets her donut on the counter and reaches out to give me another hug. “You are allowed to feel whatever it is you’re feeling, okay? I’m sorry I teased you.”

“But I’m being a jerk. Sergey deserves a guy who will be over the moon about him.”

She holds me tighter. “You’re not being a jerk. You’re being yourself. Up until a few days ago, you planned to be single for the rest of your life. Of course this is hard. There are warlocks who can dissolve connections like this, you know. If this isn’t what you want.”

My heart sinks. The idea of giving Sergey up stresses me out too.

It’s like the situation with Lark all over again.

“What if I want to want this?” I say.

She releases me. “Do you?”

“I don’t know. It feels like I’m betraying this big part of myself by wanting to be with him. I like being independent and on my own. The idea of being tied down scares me. I’ve never wanted a relationship like this. It doesn’t feel like I have a choice, and that’s scary.”

She doesn’t speak for a long time. The silence hangs between us, and it feels so damn heavy.

“How would it feel to pay a warlock to break the tie between you?” she asks.

“Horrible. Sergey doesn’t deserve that and neither does Lark.”

“How would it feel for you. Don’t think about them. Think about you. Because if you choose to stay in this relationship, and you don’t actually want it, that will be horrible for Sergey and Lark too. You once told me that your grandmother gave you that priceless necklace to sell because she wanted to keep the fire in your heart alive, right? Can you be with Sergey and still keep that fire intact?”

I shake my head. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t owe this man your happiness. The two of you may be fated mates, but you’re also strangers to one another. Leading him on wouldn’t be a mercy.”

That’s what she’s supposed to say as my best friend. I’ve said it to plenty of my own friends while they struggle with their romantic relationships. You’re supposed to leave a situation that isn’t good for both parties. That’s how it works.

But people thought I should leave Lark too. When I wasn’t sure if I wanted a kid, people told me that Lark deserved parents who wanted them. They said it with the very best of intentions because they loved me and they wanted to help me find my way. It wasn’t said out of spite. But they were wrong.

I should have sought out an open adoption from the start with a couple who were comfortable with me maintaining legal rights. I still think Eli and Max would have been that couple, but I would have had more time with Lark in the beginning if I had understood what I really wanted and asked for it.

“I think I run from things that are hard,” I admit.

“Should a relationship with your fated mate be hard?” she asks.

That’s a fair question.

“I don’t know if it is for most people, but I think there are parts of it that will be hard for me. When I was younger, running away from the people I loved most in the world was the right decision. I think that’s messed me up. Every time I have strong feelings for someone, I run. It’s uncomfortable for me. I don’t know how to handle intense relationships of any kind. Friendships seem safe a lot of the time, but I’m not reliant on any one friend. I don’t like to need people. It’s scary.”

Louisa gives me a sad smile. “It’s hard when you grow up with a family that makes loving people seem unsafe, isn’t it?”

I nod.

“You should tell Sergey all of this. If he’s as perfect as you say he is, I think he’ll understand. Maybe the two of you can take things slow so it’s easier for you.”

I wonder if he already senses it. He’s been so careful to give me space.

Maybe that’s why he’s my fated mate. Because he’s able to handle what it means to be with someone like me.

“When I was younger I was so certain I’d never want a bond. People told me it was just a phase, but I insisted it wasn’t. I feel like such a fool,” I say.

Louisa’s jaw tightens. “I hate that phrase, ‘just a phase.’ Life is full of phases. We all have them, and they’re important. I went through a phase where I wanted to be a single woman in the city. I was sure I wanted that for the rest of my life, but then I changed. People are allowed to change. That doesn’t mean what they felt before wasn’t valid. You love your independence, Heller. That’s still important. You don’t want a traditional bond. That’s still important. You’re allowed to change your mind about some things, but still honor the core of who you are. Don’t let what other people will think of you force you into throwing a relationship away that you actually want. If you think being with this guy is the healthiest thing for you to do, then do it. And if you don’t, then don’t. The decision has to be about what you truly want, not sticking to the path you chose when you were younger, regardless of whether it’s still right for you.”

This is why I’m friends with Louisa. She’s such a wise person. She is whole and complete without an alpha, and I know I can be too. But she’s right. That’s not what this decision is about.

I want to want Sergey. I’m afraid to, but that fear isn’t rooted in anything logical. I can’t spend the rest of my life running from the people I love. They aren’t like my family. That’s the whole reason I left—to find people who could love me better.

Somehow, I lost sight of that.

“He saw me dance,” I say.

She smiles. “And?”

“And he loved it. He’s a good person, Louisa.”

She grasps my hand. “Good. Would it be okay if Toby talked to him about the properties? If you want, we can wait. I know you’re still figuring things out.”

“You absolutely should talk to him about the properties. It would be a great solution for both of you. But I get the idea that who you really need to talk to is his alpha dad. He runs the business end of things. Maybe I could set up a meeting with both of them? Would that work?”

“Yes. Thank you, Heller. If we figure out what to do about Toby’s inheritance, we can go back to focusing on what should matter right now.”

I hug Louisa again. She has always been a safe person for me. Moments like this are a good reminder of how important connections are with other people.

I can be brave enough to love Sergey, even if it means I have to be vulnerable. I can be brave enough to love Lark, even though I might mess up. Putting my heart out there is hard, because it means I can be hurt, but I can do it. I need to do it.

I pull back and get out of the chair. “Okay. I’m going to pour us some coffee, and then I want us to spend the next hour doing what should matter.”

“What do you mean?” she asks.

“I want you to tell me about your sister. All the good, the bad. Everything.”

She covers her mouth with her hand, tears welling in her eyes. “Okay.”

Part of loving people is taking care of them. I’m good at that part. I’ll work on the receiving. I get the impression that Louisa struggles with that part too. After all, we both had to run away from families who taught us that it isn’t always safe to receive love.

Maybe it takes a whole lifetime for some people to learn how to love. I think love is worth the effort. And maybe it’s okay that it doesn’t come easy. It doesn’t mean I’m broken. It just means that I have to keep trying.

I can do that. One day at a time.

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