Chapter 26 - Danil

This is not how I imagined I would tell Dom I loved him. Butt my feelings for him hadn't changed over the last four months, though God knows I had tried. I spent way too many hours in the local club, praying that someone would catch my eye. Someone I could potentially fuck till they dispelled the images of Dom. But it never happened. I always went home on my own.

But it was the loneliness of the apartment that I found the most suffocating, which made no sense to me. Dom had technically only lived with me for a week. I had spent years happily on my own, but all it took was seven days for that to change.

Tonight, my plan was to win Dom back, or at least talk to him. Get the wheels in motion. Papa had warned me that he was bringing a friend. Naively, I thought it would be someone to help with his chair, but then Dom had to surprise us all by walking in. I had felt so much pride and admiration that I didn't even notice the person standing next to him, until I was looking him up and down and caught them holding hands. This person wasn't a friend. This was someone important. So important that Dom had brought them to a family gathering.

The candle of hope that had been burning brightly in my heart extinguished in a flash. Papa had given me a gentle smile and made his way over to me, whispered that I needed to talk to Dom, and he would get us alone together. I didn't even have a chance to argue that there was no point before he was striding towards the kitchen, of course, causing Dom to follow. I debated not going over there, but I also knew that I had to.

Even though I knew what he was going to say, I still asked who the woman was. I needed to hear Dom say girlfriend in his tone. Needed that final piece of confirmation. I, of course, told him I was happy for him, but I didn't mean the words truthfully. I do want him to be happy, but I want him to be happy with me.

I needed to get away. Away from him, away from this party, now craving the loneliness that I hated. But he had called my name, and hearing my name on Doms lips was everything. So, of course, I stayed and looked over at him. He said the words I needed to hear. Wanted to hear, but they no longer mattered. And then, instead of walking away I bared my heart. I saw the shock on Doms face, but I couldn't take the words back. They were the truth. I wanted him to say them back to me so badly, but he just walked past me. He couldn't even look at me. If I thought the pain of us breaking up was bad, it paled into insignificance compared to the pain of this rejection.

I need to get out of here. There is no way I am going to be able to stay and watch Dom and his girlfriend. But I have no idea how I can leave a family gathering without drawing attention. I need to get Papa; he will help me.

Turning, I walk out of the kitchen and straight into Mom, who was standing close by the entryway, but not close enough for us to see her. Had she heard everything that was said? From the sad expression on her face, I am guessing yes.

"Hey, Mom," I say to her, but she doesn't say anything. She just points to me and then the kitchen.

"Mom, please," I plead with her, needing to get away.

"Danil. Kitchen, now," Mom whispers, but with a tone of voice I know all too well, and one I know not to argue with.

Turning around, I walk back into the kitchen and turn to face her. Her face is still expressionless and its horrible, because this is my mom's ‘I am pissed at you' face, and I can tell she is trying to figure out how to calmly talk to me.

"Danil. I need you to explain what I just heard, please," she says a little too calmly.

"Mom, not now, please. I need to leave."

"Danil," Mom says, and I know that I am not getting out of this room until I tell her something.

"I was just talking to Dom. Congratulating him on his walking."

"Those are not the words I heard you saying, Danil," Mom states.

"Mom. Please," I say at the end. "I will talk to you, but I can't do this right now."

Finally, Mom seems to understand my turmoil, and her features soften. "Okay, I will get you home, but we are talking this evening," she says, and I just nod in agreement.

I follow Mom out of the kitchen and stand to the side and watch as she walks over to Papa and whispers something in his ear, which causes him to look over to me. Even though I know I shouldnt, I look around the room, needing to see him again. I spot him in a corner, leaning heavier on his cane. He is talking to Lorenzo and Wyatt, but when I look at Katie, she is staring at me, and gives me a kind smile.

"Danil," Papa says, drawing my attention away from Dom.

"Sorry Papa. I know tonight is important, but I cannot stay," I tell him. I knew seeing Dom was going to be difficult but I wasn't expecting this.

"What happened?"

"Told him I love him, and he walked away," I explain. "And Mom heard me. She wants to talk."

"Talk to her, Danil," Papa says. "It might help. I will think of something."

"Papa." Turning to him, I try to fight my tears.

"Danil, its okay," Papa tells me. "I will apologize to G, but I think we do need to talk to him about what is going on, and soon."

I think this is Papas way of telling me that he is not happy that he has been keeping things from G, and maybe I shouldn't have asked him to keep this from him, but it was the decision that both Dom and I came to.

"Danil, you ready?" Mom says, coming up to me. Using the same voice she used to use when I was a child and ill.

"Yeah."

"Come on then. Feliks, I am sorry, but…" Mom says over to him.

"Danil comes first. I think we should have spoken to you sooner," Papa adds. "But Danil, I am sure, will explain what has been going on."

Mom explains that she has said our goodbyes, and told them that I wasn't feeling very well. She explained she wanted to get me home, and didn't want to take any risks with it being so close to the wedding. That everyone needs to be fit and healthy.

"I drove," I say to Mom when we're in the elevator.

"I told John I was going with you and that I would text him later," Mom replies. "Are you okay to drive?"

"Yeah."

"If youre sure," Mom says, but I can see her questioning it.

"Would you prefer to drive, Mom?" I ask her.

"I would. Thank you."

Digging into my pocket, I pull out my keys and pass them over to Mom. I don't really feel like arguing with her right now. All I really want to do is crawl into my bed and hibernate for as long as possible, or until the wedding, at least.

Mom must pick up that I'm exhausted and not in the mood to talk, as we don't say anything more to each other. I can feel her glancing at me, and I know that she's worried, but I can't change that now. The journey back to my apartment goes by far too quickly. Yes, I wanted to be home, but I wanted to be alone. I'm not looking forward to the conversation that is going to take place.

Opening my front door, I walk in and wonder how long it's going to take for Mom to demand answers to, I'm sure, the huge number of questions she has.

"I'm going to make us some tea. Go and sit down," Mom says.

I go over to the couch, sit down, lean my head back against the pillows and close my eyes, but all I can see is a picture of Dom standing in front of Papa and G, with his cane. No one else is in the room with us in my daydream. It's just us.

"Danil," Mom says.

Opening my eyes, I look over to Mom, who is holding a mug just in front of my face.

"Made just how you like it, black and sweet," Mom says.

"Thanks Mom," I say, taking the cup from her.

I thought that Mom would sit next to me on the couch, but she doesn't. She sits down on the edge of the coffee table. She doesn't say anything to me, just sits and waits. She watches as I take a sip of my tea. I know she's giving me the time to find my voice.

"Mom, everything is so messed up. I have no idea where to start," I begin.

"Okay, let me help," Mom says. "What did you mean when you told Dom you loved him?"

"I meant that I loved him," I say over to her.

"Romantically, I am guessing?" Mom asks.

"Yes," I confirm.

"So, I am guessing you had been dating, and the reason that you look like shit is that you aren't anymore," Mom says.

"Yes."

Taking a deep breath, I begin my story. I tell Mom that when Dom and I started dating, we decided to keep everything a secret because we weren't out to the family, and we wanted to discover our relationship ourselves. I explain how Rory manipulated us. That I never knew I could love someone as much as I love Dom. That I'm lost without him. Mom never interrupts me. Just let me talk, and it feels good to finally tell someone.

"Oh Danil," Mom starts. "You know you could have told me. I wouldn't care that youre gay."

"I know Mom, but I didn't figure it out myself till a few years ago, and I wanted to fully find myself. Then, I planned to tell you. It's just that, Dom came along and all that changed."

"I can understand you not talking about your relationship, especially with Dom's parents," Mom says. "Did Papa know?"

"I told Papa I was gay, but only just before the accident. The plan was to tell him that I was gay and then potentially come out to the family. But Alessias death changed everything," I tell her.

"I want to be so annoyed at you right now. Annoyed that you felt you couldn't talk to me about your sexuality, and that you told your father first, and about you and Dom, but I can also see that you are hurting right now."

"Mom, I am so sorry."

"I know you are," Mom says gently, in a way that only a mom can do.

"I only told Papa I was gay. Dom, he worked out for himself," I add. Needing her to know that I hadn't actually told Papa about me and Dom.

"Well, your Papa working out something important doesn't surprise me, but I do have to admit that the men in this family do like to keep their relationships and sexuality secret. So you were just following tradition," Mom says before adding, "You didn't know about Katie, I'm guessing?"

"Katie?" I question.

"Dom's girlfriend," Mom tells me.

"Oh, is that her name?" I mumble. I never bothered to find out her name. Couldn't face it. It's a nice name.

"She was lovely," Mom adds.

"Mom, that doesn't help, but I wouldn't think Dom would go out with someone horrible," I tell her.

"Sorry, I didnt think. I'm guessing you didn't know she was coming?" Mom asks.

"Papa told me that Dom was bringing a friend, but I never once thought it would be a girlfriend. We haven't seen each other or spoken in four months. Tonight, I wanted to talk to him. Wanted to see if there was any chance we could get back together. But there isn't. How the hell am I going to be able to face him at the wedding?"

"Danil. That man loves you," Mom says.

"Mom, he doesn't. He walked away from me."

"Danil, you need to trust me. You did not see his face. I did. Dom loves you, but I am guessing he has no idea how to deal with these emotions. Imagine going to a party with your girlfriend and you see a man you think you are over, and he tells you that he loves you," Mom states.

"What the hell do I do?" I ask, knowing that this is a question Mom is not going to be able to answer.

"You are going to have to wait. Which I know is going to be hard. You have told him how you feel. The ball is in his court now," Mom states.

"And if he never comes?"

"Then it's going to hurt. Like a bitch. It won't be easy. But in time, you'll heal and eventually you will feel ready to move on."

"But I have been trying that. Been waiting for the ache to go away, but it hasn't," I tell her. She said time was supposed to heal, but for me, time has made it worse.

"Yes, because you still had this hope that you would get back together. Now you would have closure."

"But I don't want closure. I want Dom," I whine.

"You may not have an option," Mom says as gently as she can, and hearing the words I have been trying to fight, I break. I finally let the emotions of the evening take over. Tears stream down my face and I feel, rather than see, mom move from the coffee table to beside me. Her arms wrap around me and just hold me, rocking me slightly. Just like she did when I was a child.

"Everything will be okay, you will see," Mom says into my hair.

I want to believe her, but I just cannot see how. No matter what I'm feeling, I know that deep down I want Dom to be happy. After everything that Dom has been through, he does deserve happiness more than anything.

"Will you be okay on your own tonight? You're welcome to come home with me," Mom asks.

"I will be okay. Why don't you call John to come and get you? I am sure the party is still going on," I say over to her.

Before Mom has a chance to answer, the security phone buzzes, making us both jump.

"Are you expecting anyone?" Mom asks, and I shake my head no. "Let me get it."

Mom gets up and answers the phone, saying hello but that is all she says before pushing the button to open the door.

"Who was it?" I ask, but Mom doesn't say anything, just goes over to the front door. When a gentle knock comes a few minutes later, mom opens the door, and I only hear, "Come in."

The last person I expect to see is Dom, but there he is. Standing in my apartment. He looks wonderful and utterly exhausted, not to mention in pain at the same time, and he's leaning heavily on his cane.

"Dom," I utter, as I rush over to him, wrapping my arms around him, taking his weight and slowly leading him over to the couch before he falls down. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I needed to see you," Dom gets out between breaths.

"Right," Mom interrupts. I had completely forgotten she was here, the second I saw Dom, he drew all my attention. "John is on his way to pick me up, but there are a few things I need to say."

Both Dom and I look as mom comes over and stands in front of us, the coffee table a barrier between us.

"Dom, I am glad to see you here. I had a feeling you would come, didn't think it would be tonight, but that doesn't matter," Mom stops to catch her breath before continuing, "The two of you need to talk and listen to each other."

"Yes, Mom," I say over to her.

"Danil, I havent finished."

"Sorry," I mumble.

"Now, both of you listen to me. If either of you ever keeps anything this major from me again, Dom's parents won't be the ones to be worried about. I will kick both your asses so hard that you won't be able to sit down for a week, let alone do anything else, do you hear me?"

I say, ‘yes, Mom' at the same time as Dom says ‘yes, Maria'.

"Now Dom, I'm guessing you haven't told your parents that you are bisexual?" Mom asks.

Dom looks over to me and I just shake my head. It was not my place to out Dom to my Mom.

"Seriously, Dom. You dated my son and turned up to a party tonight with a girlfriend. It doesnt take a genius to work it out. I suppose you could be pan but…"

"I'm bisexual," Dom confirms.

"Oh good. Well, when you two idiots have figured yourselves out, we are having a family meeting to tell everyone and discuss your parents."

"Mom," I start. She is jumping way ahead of herself. We have no idea why Dom is here. He might just need to discuss what happened tonight, and wanted to do it face to face. Wanted to clear the air between us so that we can get through the wedding. But the entire time we have been sitting down, my arms have been around him and he hasn't moved.

"Look, John is going to be here in five minutes, so I am going to leave you guys to talk. Danil, please text me tomorrow. Let me know you are okay," Mom asks. Actually it's more of a demand. "I'll see myself out," Mom turns and walks towards the front door.

"You okay for a sec?" I whisper to Dom, who nods his head. Getting up from the couch, I rush over to her. "Mom."

She turns around to look at me and I pull her into a hug. "Thank you for listening to me. I'm sorry for not coming to you sooner."

"Danil, that man is hurting. Be kind to him. He needs you as much as you need him," Mom whispers before adding, "I told you he would come." Mom kisses my cheek, opens the door and steps out. Closing it, I lean my head against it for a moment, taking a deep breath before turning back to Dom.

When I get back over to the couch, Dom has leaned his head back against the back of the couch, his eyes closed. His breathing looks even. He has fallen asleep, but I am not surprised, considering the state that he turned up in.

I am at a complete loss at what to do. Should I move him so that he is lying down, and let him sleep? Is sitting in an upright position good for him, but then is he also supposed to lie down in a certain position? Deciding that I cannot leave him alone, I sit back down next to him and pull him into me. Not knowing if this is what he wants or even if it's the right thing to do, but it's the only thing that I can do right now. At least he is being supported by something.

"Danil," Dom mumbles, but when I look at him his eyes are still closed, he said my name in his sleep.

Leaning over, I kiss his forehead; he may not even know I have done it. It might be the last kiss I ever give him. So, I take a moment to relish his skin against my lips before whispering, "I'm right here, Dom."