Chapter 36

36

Dread filled me to the tip of my fingers.

"Liam…"

He cleared his throat as he hung his head between his shoulders, eyes fixed on his hands as they rested between his knees, fiddling around each other.

"I knew something was up with him when he stopped talking to me after he went away. He was avoiding all my texts and questions when I hounded him at our games. I just didn't know this was what he was keeping from me." He chuckled, but it was empty. "You know, it's funny because he came over just the other day to apologise, and then you came up in topic and he told me I should talk to you. That I should fix us."

Pain threaded through his words no matter how hard he tried to hide it, and the guilt clogged the base of my throat.

We had done that to him. I had done that to him. We had snuck around and hid ourselves behind closed doors while Liam still had hopes for us, even after he had the chance to move on with his date a couple of weeks ago. He was clinging to the idea of me while I was falling for someone else.

And in all of that, I felt a sharp pang of hurt shoot through my chest that I had no right to feel. But it wasn't for Liam. No, it was because of what he mentioned of Reece and how he pushed for Liam to reconnect with me, wanting to push me away.

It was his plan for a short while it seemed. Just when it seemed he'd start to open up, he ran away and it hurt even more that I couldn't fix him. All those talks and the secrets we shared, all for nothing. And I couldn't help but feel like I lost a piece of myself in all the good we shared. I gave too much and received nothing back. It's how it always went for me.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. I didn't know who I was aiming it at. For him, for me, for Reece. All three of us. It was some kind of sick joke because I was beginning to hate hearing those words.

He looked up, meeting my eyes with a heartbroken gaze. A half smile quirked his lips as he said, "Yeah, me too."

I sat next to him, angled towards him as I squeezed his arm. "You were good to me, Liam. But I didn't deserve your goodness. And you deserve someone who can care and love you with their whole heart, not just parts of it. I wanted to so badly, but…"

My heart was in another place, I wanted to say. But I could say that, especially with what he just saw.

"I should have told you," I whispered. "We should have told you. And I'm so sorry for that. I tried not to, but it was different with him. But that doesn't matter now." I swallowed through the pain clenching my chest. "All that matters is that you should have known from the start, and I feel so fucking guilty for that."

He sighed. "It's a bit too late for that now."

"I never meant to hurt you, Liam. But I would have hurt you more by staying with you if I didn't feel the same way."

He scoffed. "So you dated my best friend then? So much for not hurting me."

"I didn't mean for that to happen either. It just did. And I will apologise for the rest of my life for hurting you like that and do anything for you to forgive you." I squeezed his arm again, and he looked over at me. "Because you're a good guy, Liam. And a good friend."

He looked back down to his hands. "Such a good friend that you both would go behind my back?"

Whatever was left of my heart now lay shattered to the ground by his feet. He chewed his lip as he contemplated his next words before softly questioning, "What was it about him that made you go for him instead of me?"

I swallowed and turned my gaze to the quiet street, the street light glistening a dim glow on the sidewalk.

A moment passed before I answered. "I met him at the river before I even knew who he was. I was vulnerable and sad, and he knew how to cheer me up. It was like for the first time I didn't feel as alone in the world, and it felt nice."

I stared down the street in a daze as the memory played in my mind like a record track. Of our smiling faces and our laughter echoing across my mind. Pain shot through my chest before I shook my head out of the memory.

"But," I shrugged. "I guess it wasn't really true."

Liam slid his gaze over to me, tracing over each feature of my face in my peripherals. "You're in love with him," he said, not as a question but a realisation he made by just looking at me.

"I don't think so," I shook my head in denial but knew deep down that I was. I mean, I knew I had been falling for him. That I was well on the way but I didn't want to admit it after all that happened, knowing there was no us.

His smile was sad, and I hated myself more for putting it there. "I can tell. Because it's how I looked when I knew I loved you, but you didn't feel the same way."

I clenched my teeth in hopes it would hold back the tears that suddenly blurred my vision, but after one slid down, the rest followed. I kept repeating over and over, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," to Liam as I held my hands over my face, trying to hide or hold back my breakdown from him.

What the hell did I deserve to cry in front of him when this was all my fault?

I wiped my face of the tears and shook my head. "I'm so stupid."

"You're not," Liam said softly before shrugging. "I mean, you could have done some things differently, but you're not stupid for that."

I looked at him, a crease between my brows. "Why are you being nice after I've hurt you so many times?"

His eyes softened. "Because I'm not going to knock you down more while you're already hurting. Although I might feel betrayed and hurt and angry at you, it won't fix it by confronting you. Not right now."

A few tears trickle down my cheek as his words wash over me. I wished I could have loved him like he deserved because he would have been so good to me. He would have made me so happy. He would have never made me cry like this.

"You're too good for this world, Liam."

He reached for my hand, squeezing it in his. "So are you, Dakota."

I smiled at him and squeezed his hand back before saying goodbye to him.

As soon as I headed back inside, the tears began to fall again, and I made my way straight to my room. The door closed behind me and I sank to the floor, curling my knees up to my chest while I wrapped my arms around them. I let myself cry and cry until there was physically nothing left in me.

I didn't sleep a wink that night, my thoughts consumed by the what-ifs, what I should have done differently, and all the things I did or didn't say.

The screwed-up thing was that I still had hope that he would come back and it would all be better.

I still hoped that he would love me the way I wanted him to.