Chapter 37

37

I'd stayed in bed most of that next week, cocooned in the comfort of my blankets and the air conditioning on blast. My TV played random shows on Netflix but I wasn't watching any of it. I couldn't pay attention long enough to know what was happening. I'd start to try and watch, but five minutes in, I would zone out, my mind going a million miles an hour.

Why couldn't he love me? Was I too needy? Did he not want me? Was he not attracted to me anymore? Did I do something to put him off? Was this one thing I said too much or not enough? Did I overshare with him? These were the questions replaying in my mind, along with overthinking everything I ever said to him, every conversation, every kiss, every time I was with him. It all echoed and bounced around, all too much to handle. But nothing I tried ever got my mind off it.

Maybe I had a thing for complications. Because I had thought I couldn't love at all when I was with Liam. But with Reece, it seemed pretty effortless.

I had completely messed up my teenage years, and it just made me want to run away and hide while I licked my wounds.

Maybe I deserved that. Maybe this was his goal all along because of the way I treated his best friend. That thought had cut me deep, and I wrapped myself deeper into my pile of blankets.

Every morning, Dad had come in to check on me and deliver me meals after the first day I refused to come out. Every day he would ask if I was okay, and I would always reply with a simple ‘yeah'. I hated lying to him and pushing him away, but I just didn't want to talk to anyone. My heart hurt too much, and I was so sick of crying. Every memory rocked through me and played like a record in my mind.

On day five, the house phone rang consistently, and I had to drag myself out of bed to answer it downstairs. Whoever it was was very persistent. On the third call, I answered with a groggy ‘hello?'.

"Dakota? What's going on? Dad has called me worried about you locking yourself in your room and not coming out. I tried to call you, but it's going straight to voicemail." Nate's voice filtered through the line and I slumped against the wall as I squeezed my eyes shut to hold back the tears forming.

"It's fine. I'm fine, Nate. You don't need to worry." I tried to steady my voice but even I could hear the tremble in each word.

"Too late for that," Nate grumbled, likely to himself, but still I heard. "Tell me, Koda. I'm thousands of kilometres away, I can't help much if you don't tell me."

I sniffled and wiped my cheek of the drying tears, painted with newly spilt tears that began to fall at his concern.

"You can't do much about this, Nate. I'll be fine," I mumbled.

I didn't want him worrying so much about me, considering he had warned me about this before he left. Warned me that I would be the one getting my heart broken. But I didn't listen. I didn't want to. And now, I'm paying for it.

"Who was it?" he whispered, and my heart cracked with his words.

I couldn't tell him that, but I'm sure he probably already knew given his warning the few weeks prior. I didn't want to prove him right.

"Nate, please." My voice cracked, and I sniffed as the tears fell harder. I wanted to sink to the floor again and let the tears overcome me. I tried to keep my sobs silent so it wasn't heard through the receiver, but I'm sure he heard my laboured breathing and my sniffles becoming more frequent.

His sigh echoed through the phone before his voice came through in a soft comfort. "I'm sorry, Dakota. Dad's just really worried about you. And to be honest now, so am I. Just tell me, what happened? Please."

I sighed and relaxed my back against the wall, knocking my head back and closing my eyes.

"Nothing I hadn't already seen coming. I was just hoping I… I don't know, something would change. That I could help him. That I could love him enough for him to see himself differently."

It was quiet for a moment on the phone, with my hitched breaths and sniffles echoing.

He released a long sigh. "Koda…"

"I know what you said, but it was too late already. I was too far in."

"Maybe I should fly back down, make sure you're okay. Maybe have a chat with Reece-"

"No." My head shot up as my heart beat faster. "Don't do that. Please don't. You only just got back, and there would be no point. Nothing will change. He's leaving anyway apparently, so there's no use. I'll be fine. Don't worry about me."

"He only just told you?"

I think my breath stopped altogether. "What do you mean?"

"I've known for a couple of months, Dakota. He told me like a week after your birthday."

My heart broke all together again, and I covered my mouth to stop the sob from breaking free.

He'd known for months, and he didn't tell me. He led me through all this hope and wishing and longing, all knowing it would come crashing down.

He sighed again when he took in my silence. "You love him?"

I swallowed. "I did." I do.

I didn't want to. What was the point in loving someone who didn't love you the same way? I wanted to tell myself that it was as easy as that to let go of someone and move on because I had no choice. I didn't want to live with this pain anymore, and it had only been a week.

And then the realisation hit me of my fears coming true before we had even started any of this. That I had lost my best friend. I had lost our friendship in the process of getting lost in our feelings for each other.

I pressed my palm to my chest as I sunk to the floor, the phone clutched to my ear. It rolled through me in waves as I tried to suck in air to my lungs but trying not to be obvious that I was breaking down again while on the phone to my brother.

"I wish it wasn't my best friend," he murmured through the crackles of the receiver.

So do I.

I spent a few hours on the floor after Nate hung up, not having the energy to pick myself up. I forced myself to crawl upstairs to the safety of my bed when I realised Dad would be home any minute. I didn't want him to see me like this. It's why I've kept to my room. But obviously, that didn't stop him from worrying about me. If anything, it made him worry more, I think.

It was late evening when my door slammed open, and Avery and Alex walked into the visual of piles of used tissues on my bed and a blotchy-faced me in the middle of them. Their stern faces fell into sympathy which only made me cry harder than I had been before they arrived.

I hadn't answered their concerned texts all week. On day two, when I had, on more than one occasion, tried to call or text Reece, I turned my phone off. It had become harder and harder to resist, so I turned it off and locked it in my drawer.

I'd checked it once a few days later and an overwhelming amount of messages flooded through, but all I cared about was that none of them were from Reece.

"Dakota," Avery breathed out in pity before sitting on the side of my bed, brushing my hair from my face. "What the hell is going on with you? What happened?"

Alex wheeled my desk chair next to the bed and reached for my hand. "Forget that for a moment. Are you okay?"

My eyes flicked between them as I swallowed. I didn't know how to answer that question. I didn't know the answer to anything. I felt more lost than I was at the beginning of the summer, but now, instead of being lost on my path after high school, I was lost in the rush of all that was him. I was lost in the feeling of him. I was lost in the current of him.

"I'm fine," I tried to say in an even voice, but my voice cracked at the end and a lone tear trailed down the side of my face.

They surrounded me in seconds, wrapping me in their arms as more tears fell from my eyes, no matter how hard I tried to stop them.

They held me through the tears, and I tried to block out all the memories that flooded through of Reece and me to focus on the comfort of their embrace, but as usual, it didn't worked.

"You can tell us, you know. We're here for you and always will be. If we need to beat anyone up, we will," Alex said, squeezing me tighter as a laugh burst out of me.

It felt good to have them there with me. I'd missed them. I had been so consumed with Reece that I had hardly seen or talked to them in a month. Next to Dad and Nate, they were the most important people in my life, and I had completely disregarded them in favour of being with Reece. I had been the worst friend to them in favour of a boy who broke my heart. Who I knew would break my heart. And no amount of apologies would make up for that.

And so I told them everything, from the day Reece and I met, to last week when he said the cruellest goodbye. Telling me we couldn't be anything because he was leaving and he wanted to leave me in the past and then kissing me with so much emotion that it broke me.

With every word I spoke of the moments with him, I knew that it would stain my soul. That he would linger in the shadows of my heart and in every place that I went. It made my skin itch. It made me want to run away. I wanted so badly to leave this area and never come back because he was so deeply ingrained in all my favourite places. The river, the baseball field, the beach, my goddamn bed.

But I had nowhere to go. I was stuck in this place, more lost than I ever felt, watching everyone leave around me. And I felt a part of myself die.

I hated him for that.