Chapter 35

35

In the boot of his car with the door wide open, we lay together in piles of pillows while the car stereo lulled soft music in the background. His arm wrapped around my shoulder and I was tucked in his side as the golden glow of the late afternoon sun shone down on us.

We were parked in a small car park on a hillside where a lot of locals and tourists came to take pictures and admire the view, but that time of year in mid-January, it was just us and the buzzing of wildlife in the bushes down the hill in front of us. It was like a scene straight out of my favourite rom-com, with almost complete blue skies in our view as we curled into each other, the lyrics of this is me trying floating in the air, and surrounded by snacks in abundance.

But it didn't feel romantic like the movies portrayed.

If yesterday felt like our time was ticking down to its final seconds, today, I could hear the bell ringing clear as day in my ears.

Last night was interrupted by Reece's dad calling him. He'd withdrawn then, and the whole drive to my house was silent. He pulled into the driveway, cutting the lights before they shone through the windows, and when I turned to him, he dismissed me with an emotionless "goodnight, Dakota". Whatever I was going to say to him caught in my throat, and in my dumbfounded state, I got out of the car. I walked a few steps toward the house and he immediately drove off. The ache in my chest intensified then and I went to sleep with fear in my heart.

Earlier, Reece had texted around the time his baseball game ended with a ‘we should talk', followed by asking if I wanted to go to the Lookout with him. I hadn't gone to the game because I had been avoiding exactly this. And I thought if I didn't go, I wouldn't have to confront it. It wouldn't be the end.

I already felt like I had lost him, but I didn't want to make it official. I was afraid of losing the last thread of him that I was holding onto.

I was nervous, and I started biting my nails almost to the quick. My heart was pounding with questions, what-ifs, and scenarios that almost spiralled into madness.

He pulled up at my house about half an hour later, still in his baseball gear and with a strained smile on his face.

It was silent between us on the way to the Lookout. Even in his arms now, the distance was stretching further between us and it felt like a cleaver was slowly and torturously slicing the string tying us together bit by bit.

I was desperate to keep it from tearing apart just to keep us held in the before. Before the tears. Before the heartache. Before the friendship was torn to shreds. Before, where I could still touch him and feel his heart beating in sync with mine. Before, where he could still kiss me and tell me all the pretty white lies that I could tuck into my pocket and hold onto.

I looked up at him, taking in every inch of his face. Eyebrows that made me want to smooth the crease between them, eyes so green that they reminded me of the forest, straight nose with a slight bump curving the top, high cheekbones that make everyone envious, full pink lips that are just as soft to touch and kiss as they are looking at them, sharp jaw that I loved to run my fingers over when we laid together.

He looked over to me, noticing my examining gaze as his jumped between mine. They softened before reaching over to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. His thumb smoothed over my cheek in a soft brush and it was so lovely to be the centre of his attention. To have him look at me like I was the only person in the world that would ever hold his attention. Having him hold me like that almost made me feel like we were the only people in the world and it would be so easy to just lay there with him, day in and day out.

But then he opened his mouth.

"We should talk."

A crease formed between my brow as I shook my head and reached up to hook my hand around his neck, my thumb brushing his jaw. "Can you just… just kiss me? Please?"

He frowned as his eyes shone with pain. "Dakota…"

"Please," I begged. "Just kiss me before I—" I stopped as my voice cracked. I didn't want to say the rest of my sentence. I didn't want to voice the reality.

Then he was pulling me in, and his lips met mine in an instant, pouring all the pain, longing, and yearning into that one kiss.

And one kiss became two, and two into three before I hooked my arm around his shoulder, bringing him closer as his hands framed my face in a firm hold, keeping me close.

I didn't want this to be the last time, but the moment was over before I knew it, as he pulled away, whispering my name between his lips.

I sighed, keeping my eyes closed for a moment, my arm sliding off his shoulder as his forehead came down onto mine, pressing it there before pulling away so excruciatingly slow.

I wished I had a rewind button.

I sat up, looking ahead off the cliff, watching the city lights turn on and buzz below us. Dark clouds seemed to slowly roll closer in the distance, a storm brewing like the one between Reece and I.

I could see Reece chewing on his bottom lip from the corner of my eye as he dragged his hand through his hair.

I swallowed, trying my hardest to build a wall between myself and my emotions.

"I never meant for any of this to happen," he whispered, not once looking at me.

His words made me angry. I frowned and turned to look at him. "And what did you mean to happen, Reece? What did you expect when you first kissed me?"

He swallowed and shook his head. "I don't know. I just…" He paused for a moment, collecting his thoughts. "You were all I thought about. Through the days after I met you at the river, I wished for time to go faster just so I could see you sooner, and when I was with you, I wanted to pause time. After the week at Airlie Beach, it was like when we first met again, how we just clicked and I couldn't seem to keep myself away from you. I wanted to spend every moment I could with you. But I knew it was wrong, and I was betraying Liam and Nate by getting closer to you. I just wanted something for myself. You made me happy, and I hadn't truly felt that in a while."

He still wouldn't look at me, and my brows furrowed in confusion as I turned fully towards him, crossing my legs in front of me.

"So, if I make you happy, then what's going on here? Why are you suddenly pulling away? Why ruin all of this, our friendship?" I said, desperation leaking through my words, wanting him to stop all of this.

He pinched his eyes closed and tilted his head back against the backseat, looking in pain. All he had to do was backtrack and say he was sorry, and I would have forgiven him. I would be in his arms, and we would be happy.

But he didn't do any of that.

"Because Liam still loves you. I didn't know he was in that deep with you, but he's still hung up on you and I feel so fucking guilty." His Adam's apple bobbed before exhaling deeply. "And I can't keep lying to my best friends."

I exploded. I couldn't keep silent anymore and all the pain and frustration poured out of me. "Then stop lying. Tell them. It's as easy as that, Reece. You don't have to cut me out just so you can keep this a secret. You'll still be lying to them!"

He shook his head, keeping it leaned back on the seat behind us. "You don't understand, Kody."

"Then make me understand," I pleaded, feeling it all slip through my fingers no matter how much I scrambled to catch a strand to hold onto.

"They're my best friends?—"

"God dammit. So was I!" I yelled and his eyes blinked open with the noise, but still, he didn't look at me.

It was a losing game, I knew it, but I couldn't lose him. Not when he promised he would never let our friendship crumble.

He didn't say anything for a moment as he worried his bottom lip and stared straight up at the roof of the car. And then he spoke. "I'm leaving after this baseball season."

I stayed silent for a while, processing his words.

"Leaving?" I breathed as confusion laced my words.

He finally lifted his head and looked over at me, unshed tears lining his eyes, and I had to bite the inside of my cheek to hold mine at bay.

"Yeah," he whispered and cleared his throat. "I'll be moving to Arizona to play in the minor leagues."

"Arizona? As in, United States, Arizona?" My heart stopped altogether.

"Yeah," he confirmed.

"Wow." Even though my heart was breaking, I managed a small smile as my vision began to blur. Because I knew as much as he hated the pressure from his dad, this was his dream. To be able to escape the ridicule and finally be able to enjoy the sport he grew up loving. "I mean, congratulations."

He nodded with a small twitch of his lips before his face fell flat and he continued to stare at me, guilt and pain shining in his eyes.

"This was never going to work between us. We both had to have known that. And it's better to end it now before things get too messy for the both of us. Before we're in too deep."

Too late, I almost said. It was way too late for me because I had already fallen for him. And my heart clenched, realising he wasn't there at all. In those words, I read between the lines and knew that I was more into whatever was happening between us than he was.

I was just a friend he could fuck in the meantime. Before his life truly started.

I had enough. I needed to escape and my heart started to pound faster trying to think of how to get home, to get as far away from him.

I scooted out of the back of the car, nervously wiping my hands on my pants as my eyes bounced from the cityscape to the blanket in my grasp that I had laid across my legs. Anywhere but him.

"Where are you going?" he questioned, scooting himself forward to sit on the edge of the boot of the car.

"I need to go home," I said and started to walk off, my mind running a thousand miles while I tried to hold myself together to keep the tears at bay.

"Kody, please. You can't walk home."

I whipped around to him, meeting his wild eyes as I pointed a finger towards him. "Don't call me that. Not now." I pressed my lips together, watching his face crumble with the cold touch of my words.

He swung his hands out to the side before letting them drop against his thighs. "Just let me drive you home, at least. We're way too far for you to walk, and it's unsafe at this hour."

He was right. It was too far, Ubers were too expensive, and my brother would kill me.

"Fine."

The drive home was silent as I held back the tears threatening to spill down my cheeks. I kept my gaze out the window, elbow on the armrest, chin leaned against my hand, turning myself away from Reece and avoiding the glances he threw me every few minutes.

I had never felt pain like this. The sharp shooting pain through my chest and the way it felt like his hand had forced its way through my rib cage and squeezed my heart with his fist. I felt so stupid, and angry, and so goddamn disappointed in myself because I expected this, but I still chased after the high he offered me on a silver platter. I knew that if there was an after us, that our friendship wouldn't make it out alive. That I would be left in the burning fire while he walked away untouched.

I guess I brought this on myself. It was karma in the way I treated Liam as my crutch, not to be lonely.

He pulled up at my house in what felt like the longest trip ever but I didn't move. I hesitated because I desperately wanted him to stop me and pull me back into his arms.

His whispered words washed over me, and I closed my eyes as the first tear escaped my eye.

"I'm sorry."

I was still holding back the breakdown that was pushing at the very thin walls.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be who you wanted me to be. I wanted to so badly. You made me feel…"

He trailed off, and I opened my eyes, waiting for him to continue. But he didn't.

"What did I make you feel, Reece?" I whispered, begging him to answer.

But silence stretched out over us.

I turned to face him then, bringing his gaze up to mine as tears spilled over both our cheeks.

"What did I make you feel?" I repeated, voice wobbling.

But he shook his head before opening his mouth, his words leashed with pain. "I can't."

My mouth twisted. "You're a goddamn coward, Reece. Just for once, be honest with me and stop shutting me out!" I shouted, my anger taking hold.

Then, in a rush, he reached over to me, curling his hand over my cheek and pulling me towards him before pressing his lips to mine in a bruising kiss. It was a mix of pain and desperation and devotion and the salt of our tears mixing together. It was like he was trying to tell me something without words. But this time it wouldn't work. I was so over not knowing what he felt and if I was in this alone. I was so over trying to read him through his eyes and his touch, like I was some kind of clairvoyant and making myself go crazy over assumptions and never being reassured with words.

I pulled out of the kiss and his head hung slightly while he still grasped my cheek in a soft caress.

"You're breaking my heart," I whispered, my voice cracking as I reached up to grasp his hand.

"I'm sorry," was all he said.

"We should have stayed friends."

"I'm sorry," he repeated, and my fingers tightened around his.

I swallowed. "You were the one person I trusted not to break my heart."

His hand tightened around mine as his voice cracked a final "I'm sorry."

I pulled his hand away, and he turned to face away from me, pinching the bridge of his nose. I watched a glistening trail slide down his face, a racing match to the ones spilling down my own.

When he said nothing else, I finally exited the car and slammed the door behind me. He took off the second the door shut, not waiting for me to get to the door like every other time, and my heart clenched painfully, making me grasp my chest as if there was an actual wound there. I almost felt like I could collapse on my knees.

But then someone's voice had my head snapping up and panic rising within me.

"I should have known."

And I saw Liam sitting on the front step of the porch, watching me with emotionless eyes.