Chapter 3

I was goingto hurt him.

Not intentionally of course. But it was still something I would be the cause of.

Gerald Grimes had come into my life and torn the curtains from every window I’d covered. After losing my wife and both my sons the way I had, I’d tucked myself away so I could never be hurt again.

Love was too big a risk. There was never a scenario where I’d win in a gamble like that.

And then he showed up looking for work.

While I’d never really thought about being attracted to men, I’d also never really had the chance to explore the way some people could. The Coleman Ranch was my destiny. My father had left it to me, and his father had left it to him, so on and so forth.

I knew from the time I was old enough to feed the animals that this was where I’d end up. With that knowledge came the knowing I should build a family. It only made sense to build the next generation to take over.

So I got married. And I did it really young, well before my brain had fully formed, and I would question anything.

Now don’t get me wrong. I loved my wife. She was the light of my day. I was blessed to find a best friend who loved me enough to stick around permanently when I chose her.

When she blessed me with two beautiful boys, I thought I’d won the lottery. I felt like I was king of the world. Nothing could top the happiness I felt.

Then our son got sick.

It’s the worst feeling to watch the child you love, the person you’ve watched from conception to birth and beyond, go through pain that you can’t fix. Scrapes and cuts were easy. This wasn’t.

When we lost him, my wife wasn’t the same. Depression came. Grief overtook her in a way I didn’t have the capacity to understand. By the time I knew she needed help, she was gone.

I’d lost my son and my wife. In that pain, I pushed away the only person left.

My son Atticus needed me back then. He needed my support and my love. He needed not to feel alone.

Caught up in the loss myself, I didn’t see he was missing that from me until it was too late. He took off on his own, leaving me to the only thing that could never actually go away: the land.

I spent every day after building up the ranch to be something I was proud of. Every season that passed when I could bring on more help, I did. The first hire I brought on was also a widower. He told me his wife had encouraged him to travel somewhere he could help others.

“Figured a ranch was that place,” Paul had said.

When he went to town to get feed one day, he met Morgan, a runaway barely older than eighteen who looked close to starvation. Brought him home and made him sit at the counter to eat a sandwich while he watched.

I asked him why, and he said this was part of the helping people thing. He said I had more than enough space to house people who might need it. It only took me looking around the land from the view on the back porch for me to see his point.

From that day forward, I opened my home to those in need. Whether it was a month or many years, I offered them a place to settle down. It was my way of using what I’d been left to do something good. Even after Paul passed away, and I was left to lead things alone, I didn’t waver.

Which was good because Gerald showed up not too long after, eyes full of pain and distrust. He was worth every minute of the years before him, worth every bit of pain I’d experienced to get to him.

Before Gerald, I didn’t think I’d ever find love again. Getting close to him proved me wrong. What I thought was a friendship forming turned into love so quick, I blinked one day to find myself head over ass for the man.

I wanted to be around him all the time. His smile was my favorite thing to see each day. I consulted with him on everything, both ranch and personally related. He was in every version of the future I imagined.

One day I asked him to come into the house to help me with something. After I got what I needed and came back to the kitchen where he was waiting, he looked so dejected. He admitted that he thought I’d called in him inside for something more.

I’d put down the thing I’d gone to get — though I couldn’t remember what that thing was — and kissed him. Subconsciously, I guess I knew what I wanted before my brain got on board.

That kiss led to others. Within weeks, we were spending nights together in my bed. Months later, he’d moved most of his clothes over. Our love story was one I hadn’t expected but was thankful for, nonetheless.

And now it was ending.

Fate had taken the gift we’d been given and set it aflame before us. Dr. Ramsey came back with a solid terminal diagnosis. There was nothing they could do. Not even the medical trials applied to my case any longer.

“Are you sure you don’t want to tell them the truth?” Gerald asked me as we pulled down the drive to the ranch.

It felt good to be home, even if I didn’t really physically feel all that much better. My extended hospital stay was the longest I’d ever been away from home during one long stretch. I can say I didn’t enjoy it much. Hospitals are too loud and bright. Give me the sounds of Mother Nature and an open field instead.

“I’m sure. There’s no need to upset them on Christmas Day.”

That was the other kicker in all this. I got released on a holiday, which meant my return would put a damper on the activities Travis and the others had surely planned. Gerald told me it would be fine. I still had doubts.

Of course, the minute I climbed out of the truck, I realized how dumb I was being. The men I’d called my family showed up with exuberance to welcome me home.

I gave hugs to those that wanted them, then made my way inside with a bit of help from Gerald. Try as I might to convince him to let me go, he refused. Even if it killed him, I knew he wouldn’t let me go through anything else alone. Not ever again.

Once we were settled, the men got back to the celebrations of the day. I watched it all in awe, appreciating getting to have this final memory to give them.

I didn’t know what happened to us after we passed. I hoped there was something on the other side, some destination where our loved ones waited with open arms for us. If so, I couldn’t wait to reunite with all those I’d lost. But if not, then I needed to make sure the ones I left behind would have stories to share long after I wasn’t here.

While the day wore on, I noticed Travis and Holt’s closeness. It was obvious the two had found a connection in the midst of the chaos my diagnosis had brought to the ranch. When Holt moved into the kitchen to clean up, I slowly rose to follow him.

“I’ll be right where you can see me,” I told Gerald when he stood to go with me. He pouted at my denial for his help, though he did as I asked of him.

In the kitchen, Holt turned the second I leaned against the door. Granted, I wasn’t trying to sneak up on him or anything, but it was uncanny how in tune he was with everything. Reminded me a lot of my boys.

I saw him look past me, likely to where Gerald was watching me like a hawk. The smirk he wore told me I was right.

“You’d think he’s the boss of me with the way he’s manhandling me. Now I know how he’s felt all these years.”

My words put him at ease enough for me to do the ‘what are your intentions’ talk about Travis. I’m sure the others would have probably said something, but since they all knew my relationship with the youngest ranch hand was the strongest, I suspected they didn’t.

Holt assured me he only wanted the best for Travis. He was in love with him. I knew it before he even admitted his feelings to me. I eased his worry over it being too fast by explaining how my relationships had evolved quicker than most would consider proper.

By that point in the conversation, I felt good about everything. I still had loads to prepare given my imminent demise, but this was one less item on the agenda.

I was preparing to go back to my seat when Holt hit me with a probing question of his own.

“How long do you have, Clancy? The truth.”

“We aren’t sure. The doctor said that it’s bad enough for me to get my will sorted out soon, but he told me I could enjoy Christmas and the New Year. It could be weeks or years. We won’t know.” I answered as honestly as possible.

I could sense he wanted to ask something else, but noise from the other room has us turning.

“What’s all this racket about?” I pretended to grumble at the men until I saw a face I’d recognize anywhere. My world froze, then sped up all at once. “Atticus?”

He stood in the doorway, a shy smile on his face. It was the same one he used to give to me and his mother when he was nothing but a scrappy toddler getting into trouble with kids from school.

“Hey, Pops! Merry Christmas.” Atticus approached me slowly, his gaze locked on me. The room had gone quiet to watch our exchange. He was their family as much as he was mine. Time didn’t change that.

When he got close enough, I used all the strength I had to pull him into a hug. Tears filled my eyes as I hugged my son for the first time in far too long.

“A merry Christmas indeed,” I said softly.

Travis snatched up his gift, then Atticus was searching for food. It felt like no time had passed with how things settled into place. I took my seat on the couch, eyes on my family. Not just the one person here who was blood related to me, but the rest who I’d welcomed along the way.

Gerald subtly slipped his hand into mine. I let the move slide because really, what did it matter anymore? Hiding my sexuality had been an idiotic move. As time passed, it became a habit not to let anyone know.

And now… well, it felt like something I didn’t need to add to the pressures ahead. What if me telling them all caused a rift? I didn’t want my final days to be bombarded with hurt feelings because I kept it secret.

Still, I could give him this. Small touches and the closeness we’d only shared in private.

I didn’t want to let go until I had to.