Chapter 2

“Honey bun or beef jerky?Which one is best?” I asked myself aloud in the bustling hallway.

A shadow leaned against the wall beside me. “Depends, I think. Honey bun if you need a sugar boost. Beef jerky for protein or if you’re one of those Keto people.”

I turned to face the person giving me food advice. The man propped up next to the machine was movie star handsome. Or maybe it was Wall Street handsome? I wasn’t sure. I just knew he was the type of person people put on billboards to sell stuff to the masses.

When I didn’t respond right away, he shrugged. “Or you could get both and have one for later.”

Jingling the change in my hand, I contemplated his suggestions. In the midst of my mental battle, he leaned over and swiped his card. My jaw dropped at the audacity of him cutting me in line.

As I watched him, he selected the options for the two items I’d been struggling over. After they both fell, he gave me a small bow.

“My treat. May the rest of your visit go well.” He took off after that, taking neither the sweet nor savory items he’d paid for.

I watched him disappear down the hall, then leaned down to take the food. It was such a weird encounter; I didn’t know what to make of it. He wasn’t flirting. I knew enough about relationships to know that. And I made sure to not give any vibes like I wanted him. I had my own man to focus on. Even if I couldn’t openly love him how I wanted to outside of our bedroom, I still was faithful to him.

Trudging back to said partner’s room, I open the jerky first to chomp on it. I’d been frustrated the last few days while we waited for some kind of answer as to why Clancy had passed out. The doctors kept saying they didn’t have a conclusive result to tell us. We’d been told they needed to run more tests to know for sure.

Seeing as we were coming upon a week’s stay, I felt like they should have known something for sure by now. Anything would have been better than the silence they’d given us.

At the door to Clancy’s room, I heard voices inside. I reached for the door, only to freeze when I heard what he had to say.

“And you’re going to keep this between us, right? Gerald is not to know the diagnosis yet,” Clancy said firmly.

“We will continue to respect your wishes, Mr. Coleman,” the doctor’s voice replied. “But I must warn you that there is a time coming very soon where you’ll have to tell him. If we’re going to follow your treatment plan, then you’ll have to tell Mr. Gerald.”

Clancy sighed, and though I wasn’t in the room, I knew exactly what he’d look like. His brow would be furrowed, his eyes hard as he stared down the doctor. His hands would be pressed against his legs, his tell for when he was frustrated.

“As I said when you came in yesterday, I don’t want any of those drugs. It’s only going to make my time left miserable. I refuse to go through that.”

It was the doctor’s turn to release a sound of exasperation. “Can I ask why you don’t want to go through with the treatments? You’re not so old as to not benefit from them. And sure, while you would have a rough few months while taking the meds, the chances of you gaining years after it are high enough to want to at least attempt.”

“The answer is simple, doc. It’s time. I’ve been on this earth a long time and all the people who needed me, all the ones who depended on me, are gone.”

My heart ached at the words. How could he possibly think that? I needed him. I didn’t want to live in a world where Clancy Coleman wasn’t mine.

I mean, sure, it wasn’t perfect. Things would have been so much better if we could be out and open with the others. I didn’t think there would be any pushback since they weren’t all so close-minded as to not accept we loved one another. At least I hoped that was the case.

“You just told me this was terminal, anyway. Why would I want to fight against fate?”

“I told you we suspected it might be terminal. It’s not a final diagnosis.”

Clancy grumbled, “Then why the hell word it that way at all? Finish your damn tests, then come back with actual results. If it’s not terminal, I’ll look into treatment. But I can promise you I’m not going to be one of those experimental drug testing people. Terminal means terminal. I won’t push for more time only to suffer through it anyway.”

“I understand, Mr. Coleman. My apologies for all the confusion. We’ll need to run those tests this week. I’m hoping to have a final answer before the holiday. We should be able to get you home either way.”

The conversation ends after that, which only gave me a second to fix my face before the doctor exited. His eyes widened upon seeing me there.

I put a finger to my lips, then motioned for us to step away before he blew my cover. He led us to the nurses” station, then bowed his head.

“How much of that did you hear, Gerald?”

I scoffed. “More than enough. Terminal?”

He shook his head. “I told him I wouldn’t discuss this with you. All I can say is that I think you need to tell him you heard the conversation. I believe a lot of the decisions he’s making are based on only thinking of himself. Maybe remind him there’s a reason to keep pushing.”

The way he looked at me said he knew more than he’d let on. Whether it was because of eavesdropping like I’d been doing or because there was simply no way to deny our connection away from the ranch, I wasn’t sure.

“I understand, Dr. Ramsey. I’ll do what I can. Thank you for trying.” I shook my head as devastation moved through me, its clutches tight around the numbness I’d been using as a disguise.

At the door to Clancy’s room, I took a deep breath, then pushed the door open. He was scowling, but it shifted into a grin once he saw me.

“You get me something sweet?” He asked as he motioned to the honey bun I still held.

Nodding, I tossed it on his lap as I sunk into the chair beside the bed. He dug into the treat with gusto as I watched him.

His skin had lost some of its color since our arrival. The bags under his eyes were more pronounced than ever. And his hair, well, it had suffered the most. Those gorgeous locks were limp and messy from the lack of a proper shower.

“Terminal.”

The word echoed in the room. Clancy pulled the food from his lips and frowned at the door. When his gaze came to meet mine, I saw the resignation there. I wasn’t going to change his mind, no matter what I said.

“Did the doctor tell you? That’s a violation of my rights!”

I leaned forward. My linked hands pressed against his thigh on the edge of the bed. “It wasn’t the doctor. I could hear you through the door when I came back. Why, Clancy? Why are you giving up so easily?”

He pursed his lips. His gaze left mine as he turned his focus to the window. There wasn’t much to see from this side of the hospital, but you’d have thought it was fucking Van Gogh with how intent he was to not look away.

“I’m tired, Gerald. So damn tired. I’ve lost enough already. I don’t want to lose myself.”

The helplessness that tore through me was forceful enough I jerked in my seat. Even then, he didn’t look my way. It was like I wasn’t even here at all.

“What about...?” My throat went dry.

He didn’t try to finish my sentence. It was so different from the way he normally was with me that I didn’t know how to move forward.

When Clancy stepped into the role of Daddy all those years ago, it had initially been to experiment with the kink after we’d both been curious. It quickly evolved into something more. He was my support system. Everything in my life revolved around him, around us. I didn’t make a single decision without thinking about how it affected our dynamic.

And yet here he was, deciding to give it all up. To give everything up.

“You’ll find someone else,” he said softly after several beats of silence. “You’re young, Gerald. There’s someone else out there for you to love and live with. I’m closer to the grave than —”

“Don’t!”

He finally looked my way after I barked the command. Wide eyes met mine, a hint of the man I’d thought I’d known somewhere under this cold shell.

“You don’t get to say shit like that right now. I’m telling you to stop with the bullshit act and tell me the truth, Clancy. You’re not going to fool me. Why won’t you accept the treatments?”

“Because I don’t want you to go through this,” he admitted, his tone subdued.

“What? Don’t put this on me.”

He wrapped his hand over my clenched fists. “I’m not putting anything on you. That’s the entire point. I don’t want you to suffer watching me waste away. It’s the worst experience in the world to watch someone you love deteriorating in front of you. I’ve done it too many times. You shouldn’t have to.”

Clancy was partially right. He had watched his loved ones pass slowly way before their time. The major difference now, though, was that he was on the other side of the coin. And in his delusional state, he thought this was the best option.

“You haven’t even given me a choice. What if I want to be there for you? What if the medicine works and you don’t have to suffer? You could get years… YEARS!”

Tears fell like rivers down my cheeks. Every memory I had of us flashed before my eyes. The years we’d spent building a relationship. The moment it shifted to something more when he took on the role of Daddy.

And then I pictured the future I’d have if he gave up. I saw the lonely nights and the heartbroken version of me. I didn’t want to experience that reality. It was the one what if I’d avoided for so long, yet here was fate making me face it.

“If the prognosis is good, I’ll fight. I promise to give it my all.” He squeezed my hands, then patted them softly. “But if it’s not good, I’m not going to let them experiment on me just for a minuscule chance for more time. That’s not how I want to live.”

Fear of the latter had my throat too tight to reply. I bowed my head in acquiescence. It wasn’t what I wanted. I much preferred to keep him with me forever. That was the ideal situation.

Life didn’t always go how we wanted though. It was a lesson I’d learned at a young age. I should have remembered it. I should have known I wouldn’t get to be happy long term.

Everything left eventually.