Chapter 4

A partof me died the day they put Clancy Coleman in the ground.

It wasn’t really noticeable at first. There was grief, just like the others around me. We’d all been touched by Clancy’s big heart in one way or another.

For Atticus, it was the loss of a father he’d run from for years, only to return right at the end.

For me, it was losing the other half of me. The half that kept me glued together.

Without Clancy to keep me balanced, I began to crumble day by day. First, it was my ability to focus. Then it became my desire to do anything at all. Why work when there was no point in it?

A couple of weeks after the funeral, I found myself unable to sleep at night. I was like the princess and the pea. Every minuscule change in the mattress beneath me felt like a seismic shift. I longed for the bed I’d shared with Clancy. It was feather soft, like a cloud gently laid on a wooden frame.

Even more than that simple difference was the change of sleeping alone. I’d never noticed how close I’d clung to the man I loved. His body and mine were molded together, the shapes worn down until there was no other way to rest.

I couldn’t replicate it no matter how I tried. Stacks of pillows were useless. Blankets were worse. I’d even tried using some of Clancy’s cologne. I thought the scent of him might calm me enough to rest.

What a joke that had been. I’d cried into the pillow for hours, his memory an overwhelming entity suffocating my ability to breathe.

So much had changed lately. I wasn’t even sure I could find my way out of the hole I’d fallen into. Immediately after Clancy passed, there were a million tasks to take care of. I’d focused so hard on them; I didn’t allow myself a moment to miss him. It wasn’t really intentional. I’d merely been wanting to help since I knew so much of the ranch’s inner workings.

Atticus appreciated the help, which he told me often. I knew he probably could have figured it all out. Hell, I’m sure there were all kinds of paperwork in place for the transition. But of course, I saw an opportunity to avoid reality for a while, and I jumped in with both feet.

Now that everything was mostly settled, I had to face the facts of what life looked like without Clancy Coleman in it. I found I didn’t like it very much.

There were so many pieces of my life wrapped around him and this ranch. Simple things even. Like dinner time for one.

We all ate together every night. The ranch hands, Clancy, and our ranch cook Rosie, all sat together to enjoy whatever magic Rosie had whipped up.

After the funeral, Rosie decided it was time to leave the ranch. While I understood her choice, it left a hole in the routine. Harlan stepped up to fill the role, but it wasn’t the same. Add in the empty chair at the head of the table that no one dared sit in just yet and, well, I felt lost. I rarely attended a dinner anymore. It was easier to wait until they’d all finished, then I’d go grab a plate of something. The few times I braved it enough to join, I sat as far away from that empty chair as I could.

How something so small and plain could bring me to my knees was astounding. And that was only one tiny detail. There were a million places all around the ranch that held memories.

During another sleepless night, I decided to wander around the ranch instead of tossing and turning in my bed. It did me no good.

I let my feet lead me, my heartache easing the further I wandered from the main house. I knew the relief would be short-lived.

Passing all the buildings, I took off for the empty field. Once I was a good ways out, I stopped and stared up at the sky.

“I miss you, Clancy,” I choked out. “So fucking much. I don’t know how to do any of this without you. How am I supposed to even breathe without you here to help me?”

My knees went weak as I spoke. Sinking to the ground, I let myself lie back. The sky was clear, the inky night a familiar sight. A few stars twinkled, though I ignored them to stare into the void.

Because that’s what this felt like.

Like a void had taken over.

There was the man himself who’d left. And then there were the memories that remained. The places, the people, the habits — it all built and built until his absence was my own worst nightmare.

“Why did you have to go, Daddy? Why did you leave me?”

I whispered the desperate cry as tears poured from my eyes. The few stars I’d seen blurred until nothing was clear any longer. I let them fall, my body too exhausted to even reach up and wipe them away.

No reply came in the wake of my pain.

It only reminded me how truly alone I was. I might have had the others on the ranch who were my chosen family, but they were dealing with their own grief. I couldn’t burden them with mine too. Not when it was so fucking huge it felt like I was dying.

I’d just have to find a way to take care of it myself.

“Gerald? You there?”A familiar voice drawled over the line.

I leaned my head to keep my phone on my shoulder as I went over the checklist I was working on. “This is me. How can I help you?”

“It’s me. Lake Norton.”

The name explained why I recognized the voice. Lake Norton had been Clancy’s attorney for as long as I’d been around the ranch. He handled both personal and business legal matters.

I had to wonder why he was reaching out to me at all.

“Hello Mr. Norton. I’m surprised to hear from you,” I replied.

The other man hummed. It wasn’t really an answer though.

“I’m calling because I need you to come to the office. There’s a legal matter I need to discuss with you.”

“A legal matter?” I couldn’t fathom what it would be. I didn’t have any assets or anything to need protection. And if it were about Clancy, surely, he’d have already reached out.

Something didn’t make sense.

Panic clawed at my chest. Not because I was truly worried something horrible had happened. No, it was more that I didn’t like the mystery behind his request.

“Do you have time if I head in now?”

“Oh! Um, yes. Absolutely. I’ll let Kaylee know you’re coming. She’ll send you right on back. See you soon,” he said before disconnecting the call.

I stuffed my phone in my pocket, then took off to find someone to take over the list while I was gone. It wasn’t anything that couldn’t be handled by anyone familiar enough with things around here.

As luck would have it, Holt was striding across the yard when I stepped out. “Holt!” I shouted.

His head whipped my way. I jogged toward him hurriedly.

“I need to go into town for something. It’s a bit sudden. Can you take over for me here?”

“Sure thing, boss. I’ll get it done.”

I hated the boss title. It was not the role I wanted, but it seemed to have stuck with the guys. Especially since I was the one with seniority these days. Atticus was the man behind the name of the ranch. I was the one who knew how it ran.

“Thanks, Holt. I’ll catch-up with you when I’m back.” I clapped him on the shoulder, then took off for one of the work trucks.

A half hour later, I was parking in front of the older brick building housing Norton’s law office. I stepped into the quaint lobby to find a friendly face. Kaylee Norton and I knew each other well enough given how small this town was. The land might have been far and wide, but the people were not.

Everyone knew everyone. Which also meant they knew each other’s business as well.

Forcing myself to smile, I nodded her way. “Hey, Kaylee.”

“Hey, Gerald! You can head on back.”

I nodded her way, then took off in the direction she pointed. Inside the room, I found Lake Norton sitting behind a large desk with papers scattered all over. His gaze met mine, and he moved to stand.

“No need,” I told him, my hand raising. I shifted until I was within reach, then I stuck my hand out. “Good to see you.”

“Is it though?” He teased.

I chuckled, the sound coming out a bit hoarse. “I’m hoping so. Can we get right to it or is there some type of intro you have to do?”

“Intro?”

“Yeah, like swearing on a Bible or something? Maybe sacrificing a goat?”

His mouth tipped into a wide grin. “Good to see some of that sarcasm is still in there. No, none of that today. I’m here because I have something for you.”

I watched as he opened a drawer on his desk. He retrieved an envelope with my name scrawled across the front. As soon as he handed it over, my heart sank.

“This is from…”

He nodded. “I have no idea what it says. My instructions were to give you that and to inform you there”s a parcel of land that is now yours. Clancy had it sectioned off from the rest. It’s towards the back. It’s marked on this map.”

Even as he pulled the papers out, I knew exactly where it was located. The space had been one we’d visited several times. I’d always told him that if we ever got to start over together, I wanted our house there. We’d be close enough to consult on the ranch and for me to go to work, while also being tucked away from the others.

We never got the chance to break ground on the space.

I glanced at the map when he pointed to the space. “You familiar with it?”

Nodding, I pushed past the lump in my throat. “Yes, I am.”

“Great! Then I can leave you with this. There”s supposed to be a surprise there for you as well. I’m not privy to what it is, only that Clancy coordinated it. I’ve already spoken to Atticus about his parts of the will. If you’ll simply sign to acknowledge I’ve done my part in handing over the letter, then we’re good.”

I pressed the pen to the paper, my hand signing the page routinely as my mind wandered. None of this was what I thought it would be. A letter. Some land. A surprise. It was all very Clancy, yet it wasn’t. Too much of it felt like a final goodbye. I didn’t know if I could handle that.

Leaving the office shortly after, I went back to the ranch with the letter tucked in my pocket. I dropped the paper in my bedroom before saddling a horse and taking off for the land that was now mine.

As soon as I saw the tree in the distance, I pushed the mare beneath me harder. She loved the chase, so I didn’t feel all that bad for it. Besides, it was rare Bobby Allen let these majestic beauties really explore the land. Too many of them were damaged in ways that needed routine and order. I understood the issue well.

“Easy,” I said as I tugged to a stop. I hooked her reins to the nearby post, then moved around the tree to see if I could figure out the surprise.

I didn’t see anything at first. It was all the same as it had been the last time we’d come out this way.

But then the clouds parted, and the sun caught something shiny. It wasn’t right against the tree, which is why I almost missed it.

Moving over slowly, I approached the new item carefully. It took me until I was standing over it for the reality of what it was to hit.

A marker.

A grave marker.

Except… Clancy wasn’t buried here. I was more confused than ever over this surprise.

The only logical explanation was that he wanted to give me something more private to have. I wondered if Atticus knew about this place too. It would make sense given Norton already talked to him.

Part of me hated that. I didn’t want to share anything I had left with the others. My memories would always be mine, but this was different. It was a physical place, a tangible point.

I laid down beside the marker, my body aching to be close to the gift he’d left me. Others might have watched me with disgust had they been around. I couldn’t find it in me to care. Anyone who’d ever experienced grief knew the desire to hold on to the things you could. Every little bit was important and vital to keeping the person you’d lost close.

Much like I’d done that night in the field, I let myself talk to Clancy as if he were here. This time there were no tears, though it was just as difficult to get through emotionally. The difference was that I felt alone last time, while this time I felt… less. Less alone, less untethered.

It took me nearly an hour before I rose to stand. I didn’t want to leave. Not when I had so much more to say.

But there was another living creature waiting on me. The horse needed to be fed and given water. Had I known this was the surprise, I wouldn’t have brought her with me. I’d have driven, or hell, maybe even walked.

Next time, I would come alone. And I’d stay as long as possible.