Chapter 20

This man was a god.

Fuck.

I couldn”t believe my eyes at how magnificent Weston”s body was. He looked like one of those ancient Roman statues museums put on display. He held a considerable amount of muscle on his large frame. Add in his thick beard, and those veiny, hairy forearms and well, I was gone for it. Every inch of him called to me.

The promise I”d made about not pursuing anything fell to the wayside. And then swept under the rug. I couldn”t even put together the reasons I said I needed to avoid being romantically involved with him now that he was standing before me bare as could be.

”The water will eventually turn cold,” he said when I still hadn”t moved a muscle.

”Oh, right.”

Reaching past him, I opened the shower door and pointed inside. He took the hint, moving into the large space and waiting stock still as I shuffled in next. I grabbed the shampoo and conditioner first since I knew we needed to work from the top down.

There was a seat on one wall of the shower, so I moved him how I needed him and pushed until he sat. The new position made it easier to access his head since he was taller than me.

I desperately wanted to impress him. I knew it didn”t make much sense, but it was how I felt.

Maybe it had to do with the way he always had an answer for things. There wasn”t a task or a question I asked that went unanswered. He was like a fucking encyclopedia of information on everything I needed or wanted to know.

And then there was the attention he gave me.

It was all consuming in a way I”d never experienced. He was always watching, always learning things about me. I knew he thought I hadn”t noticed, but I did. I could feel his eyes on me, even when I was busy with a task or focused on something else. It was as if the air around us changed somehow. I”d learned what it felt like fairly early on after catching his eyes on me more than once.

I ran through those memories as I worked the shampoo through his hair and beard. It was an intimate process that put me square between his spread legs. I couldn”t ignore the bulge pressed against my thigh, nor the heat rolling off his big body when I moved him to rinse off.

The process repeated all over again with the conditioner, and then the true test began — cleaning his body. I filled a washcloth with soap. The scent that I”d come to associate with Weston enveloped us so completely that I couldn”t ignore it. My cock, which had surprisingly been only half hard, sprouted to life at the fragrance.

Thankfully, Weston didn”t say anything, though I knew he noticed. How could he not when it kept brushing against him? While I wasn”t as big as him, there was no missing my uncut length bobbing with each swipe of my hand or shift of my feet.

”Turn around, please,” I said once I”d finished his chest and arms. If I”d thought the front held a great view, then I”d underestimated just how sexy back muscles were. I traced the cloth over each peak and valley, tracing the veins as they appeared and fighting back a shiver of desire.

I let him rinse, then I sunk to my knees to wash his legs. I purposefully avoided his ass since the area was far too tempting. How long had it been since I”d been this close to someone? There hadn”t been anyone to tempt me in ages. But that all changed with Wes. Every minute in his presence tested my patience.

”Turn again,” I called hoarsely. It wasn”t until he turned that I realized the position I”d put myself in.

Wes”s cock was dangling right in front of me, the tip only a sway away. As in, if I swayed forward just the slightest bit, I”d be pressed against him. I huffed out a laugh at the thought. I was far too horny for the task of taking care of him like the submissive I was supposed to be.

Or maybe not. In the bit of research I”d done about service submission, I”d found varying degrees of what people considered service and how they traded off power. Some preferred monetary compensation while others leaned more towards the sexual. There were those in between who found submission with partners sexually, and then had even more service focused tasks through their careers. It was literally anything goes since either person made their own set of standards.

Who was to say that my standard couldn”t involve some more intimate moments with Wes? If I gave him my body, I didn”t have to give him my heart, did I?

Because that”s really where my fear sat. I knew from all the talks I”d had with my therapist and in group sessions that my entire viewpoint of boss and employee dynamics was skewed thanks to falling in love before. I’d believed that getting hurt was inevitable. There was nothing to stop me from pleasing Wes, or from seeking pleasure, so long as I didn”t let it go any further.

A teeny-tiny part of me questioned the logic. The bigger part of me, the one that ached to touch Wes”s cock, to taste him, buried the feeling before it could fully form.

”Gerald,” Wes called out when I didn”t move.

I shook myself, then went about cleaning the rest of him. My attention to detail when it came to his cock was ridiculous. I stroked over his length slowly, making sure not to miss touching him everywhere. With the guise of cleaning him, I even got so bold as to lean forward to sniff him. It was wholly unnecessary and probably even a little creepy.

Someone needed to send the memo to my lizard brain since I”d clearly checked out.

Wes growled from above. ”Fuuuccckkk.”

The sound spurred me on further. I dropped the washcloth with a splat. My hand moved to grip his meaty thighs as I pulled back to look up.

His pupils were so wide, his eyes appeared almost black in the low light of the shower. Neither of us spoke at first. It was just a staring match as I fought the urge to go too far.

”Gerald, what do you want?”

I shook my head instantly at the question. ”It”s not just about what I want. I... I”m supposed to be servicing you. It”s what I do. I take care of you, right? Tell me how I can take care of you. What comes next?”

He clenched his fists. ”That”s not what you came in here for. You agreed to help me shower and then to dress me. Is that still your limit?”

It was fucking exhausting trying to navigate this new world. It seemed like every time I turned around, there was some type of agreement or issue to discuss. I didn”t want to let myself overthink, and I knewit was only a matter of time before I second guessed everything.

“Yes, sir,” I answered after a way too long pause.

Wes visibly shivered at my words. I tilted my head to the side, curiosity giving me a different perspective to our interaction.

“You like when I say that, don’t you? When I call you sir?”

He took a step back, putting distance between us. “Let’s dry off. I think we need to talk in a less compromising position.”

We went about the process quietly, neither of us breaking the silence. It was as if we both knew the other person needed a minute to get their head on straight. Maybe that was just how I was feeling. I couldn’t tell much from Wes’s stoic face and loose movements. If anything, he looked like a man without a care in the world. But one glimpse of his eyes would say differently. I’m not sure how I knew, but I did.

Instead of dressing him like I planned, Wes slid on a pair of sweats, then handed me an extra set. We were still naked from the waists up, a proper distraction if you asked me, but at least our cocks were tucked away out of sight.

He took my hand in his, then walked us into the living room. I was eased onto the couch, then Wes stood a few steps away facing me. His hands went to his hips as his eyes roamed over me.

“I don’t want to influence you in any way, Gerald. That was never my intention. All of this, everything that happens moving forward comes from your initiation. Do you understand?”

“I do,” I admitted. It seemed he was torn up about my consent still.

“Good. Now, as to your question before… the answer is yes. I do very much enjoy the honorific you’ve given me. It’s a weakness of mine, to be honest. When I hear it come from you, I lose a bit of control. I want —“ he froze.

I couldn’t allow it. I needed to know what he was going to say. “You want?”

“Everything.” His gaze burned me up from the inside out. “I want to own you, body, mind, and soul. I fight the urge to claim you, to demand you be mine only. That I never let you leave my side. It makes me want things I don’t quite deserve. Things that I have no right to ask of you.”

I shifted forward on the couch. “I think I understand. It’s a trigger for you. But not in a negative way. It arouses you.”

“Unbearably so,” he said with heaving breaths. “I had to step away in the shower because I was two seconds from plunging my cock down your throat. When we’re fully clothed, it’s better. Today was the first time, the only time, I’ve been so overcome to take away your control. We’re not to that point though. And we might never be.”

“Which is why you ended things.” I finished his thought as I put the pieces together.

“Yes. I didn’t want to push past that line. Even though I’d asked your intention, I could still feel my control slipping. I would never let things go farther than you wanted, which meant pulling back.” He sighed, as if there was a heavy weight on his chest. “Now that we’re no longer in a compromising position, I need to know where you want to take this. Do you want me to be your Dominant? Or was this merely a result of the adrenaline crash from earlier?”

From earlier? Oh, he meant my frustration about Preacher and Atticus trying to find me. Well, really, all the guys. I had no doubt it was a group effort.

I couldn’t think about it too much more than that or else I would sink into some dark thoughts.

“I’ve been thinking about it a lot.” Basically every minute of every day.

“And do you feel any closer to the answer? I’m willing to answer any questions you might have.”

It was the patience I felt rolling off him in waves that gave me the relief I needed. I felt safe with him. More than I had in ages.

“I do. It’s hard to know how things will work out in the end, but I’m curious. I want to take a chance at something different.”

Wes grinned. “This wouldn’t be all that much different than what we have going on now.”

“It would though. I’ve never been someone’s submissive like how you’re suggesting. With the dynamic I had before, it was something we slipped into. It was never as well discussed as this already has been. I think that’s probably why it was so painful in the end. Because I’d had expectations he could never meet. He didn’t even know they existed.”

“This is why I’ve been very forthright with you. I recognized the lack of communication in your past, and I didn’t want us to be that way. We need to know where we both are in this from the start. There’s no room for error when you have access to the answer key.”

I chuckled at his analogy. “True, I guess. There is one other thing though.”

“Lay it on me. I’m sure we can work through it.”

I took a deep breath. “I don’t think we should have sex. At least not all of it. Not yet. I… well, I rushed into things before. I can’t — I won’t do it again. In the shower, we —”

Wes came to sit beside me. His body pressed against mine.

“I understand what you’re saying, and I’m sorry if I took things too far. I should have stopped it sooner.”

“No!! That’s not what I’m saying. It’s just, well, the minute sex gets involved, I tend to lose my willpower.” I knew I had to be blushing scarlet. There was no way I couldn’t be after admitting to him how I would get.

He took a minute to stare deep into my eyes before nodding slowly. “I understand completely. Thank you for telling me. We’re on the same page now.”

Despite the soft smile he sent my way, I had a feeling something about what I said had a strong effect on Wes. I just couldn’t figure out what in the world it could have been.