11. Regret

11 / REGRET

Sage

I tossed my keys into the bowl on the table in the foyer, shut my apartment door behind me, and sank to the floor.

Nothing felt right.

The ride home had taken forever with traffic and then I’d stopped by a store to get ice cream to drown my sorrows in, only to start sobbing in the middle of the candy aisle because I’d spotted the chocolate Fitz had bought for us.

The ice cream was melted in the bag. I was covered in sweat and my face was scarlet and puffy from crying. Everything that could have gone wrong had gone wrong, and I was responsible for it.

That conversation with Fitz left me feeling like I’d made the worst decision of my entire life. He was going back to England. I was going to stay here.

It was over.

But that didn’t feel right.

When he’d told me he loved me I fully panicked. The fear had gripped me in that moment so fiercely that I said things to hurt him. I went through everything again in my head, a lump in my throat as I fought the tears again. I’d done this to myself, and it was horrible.

He’d wanted to make this work. He was willing to put in the work.

Was I?

Was everything too messed up now for me to do anything?

Beyond the fear, there was the anger I felt towards myself. I was mad that I’d let things that happened to me in the past sabotage something that had the potential to be beautiful.

That was where all of this was coming from to begin with, right? The fact that I always ruined things. That I always fucked up. It was a belief that I'd tried for years to undo, but now it felt like it had grown and grown.

After my family didn’t accept me, I’d been thrown out into the world. I’d had to figure everything out for myself without their help. I’d made it work, and damn it—I’d done a good job, too. But sometimes, I felt cursed. Losing all of the people that should have loved me, should have accepted me… It hurt. It was a wound I wasn’t sure would ever entirely heal.

The logical part of me knew that I was worthy of love. I knew that I was worthy of a healthy relationship. But then there was an ugly little voice in my mind that chided me for thinking those things. Sage is too much, Sage is too weird, Sage is just too complicated, Sage doesn’t matter.

This past weekend with Fitz, I’d been able to ignore all of that.

Until he’d told me he loved me.

Until he’d bared everything to me.

Tears rolled down my face and I wiped them away. I was a mess.

Did I want to uproot my entire life? Not that I had much here. My family certainly wouldn’t care. Most of my friends were online, and the idea of starting new in England appealed to me. I’d miss Creature Cafe, Luca, and some of the familiar faces.

But...

When I was with Fitz, everything felt right. All of the fears that I’d been fighting for so long felt like they could be defeated. In the span of a few short days, he’d shown me how much he trusted and cherished me.

Being with Fitz felt right.

Why had I freaked out so bad? Why had I said those things to him?

“Fuck,” I whispered again.

More tears started to fall and I sniffled, wiping them away.

“What did I do?” I whispered to myself.

The full realization of everything hit me. And I really had fucked things up this time because of the fear that was so ingrained in me. It was a risk to fall in love because things could end poorly, even though I knew that it was different with Fitz.

Mate.

He’d said we were meant to be mates. I knew enough about monsters to know that meant forever with him.

That was how much he’d fallen for me.

“Oh gods,” I whispered.

He loved me. He really loved me.

I love him.

I couldn’t do this. I had to tell him. I had to…

My heart pounded as I wiped away my tears, forcing myself to get back to my feet.

I regretted taking off like that instead of talking things through. I had to make everything right.

I rushed the bag of ice cream to the kitchen and threw the entire thing in the freezer.

I still had time before he left.

Please, please, please still be here.

I still had time to try and repair the damage I’d done.

“What was I thinking?” I said to myself. “What is wrong with me?”

It was all so quick. In a matter of days, my entire life had been tipped upside down. I’d fallen for Fitz in a way that was unexplainable and scary and everything I’d ever secretly dreamed of having. I’d let the fear of being rejected get to me and then when he’d told me how he felt, I’d become the one to cause the pain.

I’d pushed him away.

I glanced at the clock.

I had to go now .

I snatched my keys, spun around, and stepped back outside. I reached for my phone in my pocket, already dialing the only person I knew that might have a car who would give me a ride.

Luca answered immediately. “Hello?”

“Luca, I fucked up,” I said.

“Are you okay? What happened? Should I call my dad?”

“No,” I said. “I fucked up. I really fucked up and I need your help. I need to get a ride to the cabin I stayed at with Fitz. We had a fight, and then we decided that it might be best if I stayed here while he left. But I know that’s not right. I know I’m meant to go there with him too. I said some things…”

A sob escaped me and I covered my mouth, trying to hold myself together.

“I need your help if you can drive me. I’m sorry.”

“Give me just a few minutes and I’ll be at your apartment, okay? Maybe try to call him. I’ll be right there, Sage.”

“Okay,” I said.

We hung up, and I immediately dialed Fitz, but my number went straight to voicemail. My voice shook as I spoke, leaving him the words that I should’ve said to him when we were face-to-face.

“Fitz, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have turned away from you. I know this might sound crazy, but I want to go with you. Please don’t leave without me. Please don’t leave. I love you too and I’ve fucked everything up. I’m coming to you. I’ll be there soon.”

My hands shook as I ran down the stairs from my apartment, heading out to the street. I glanced at my watch, bouncing on the balls of my feet as I waited for Luca.

It was nighttime and I worried Fitz had already left. I looked up at the sky, part of me wishing I could see him, the other part hoping that he was still at the cottage.

I had to make things right. Even if he wouldn’t take me back, I needed to apologize for freaking out on him.

Within a few minutes, Luca’s tires peeled over the pavement as he came to a stop in front of me. I got into the front seat and slammed the door shut.

“I take it you didn’t get a hold of him,” he said.

“I didn’t. We have to go. I think that he’s flying from the cottage.”

“Pull up the address,” he said quickly.

I did as he asked and then put it into the car’s GPS system. Navigation started and he took off down the street, well over the speed limit. I didn't care. All I could think about was getting to Fitz before he left.

The heartbreak I’d seen in his gaze had hurt me. I hated myself for hurting him. I'd hurt both of us actually, and I hated that too. For the longest time I believed that I wasn't deserving of someone that loved me. That I was always going to sabotage those relationships that I cared about. But then Fitz had come in and torn apart those beliefs.

With him, I felt safe.

I felt loved.

I felt like an idiot.

“Go faster,” I urged Luca.

“I am going as fast as I can,” he said. “Faster actually, and hoping that we don't get caught.”

“Don't you have some magic you can use?” I asked.

“That's not how magic works,” he quipped. But, he pressed the pedal harder, speeding us down the road and zipping through lights before they could turn red.

My heart felt like it was about to burst out of my chest. I was antsy, moving in my seat constantly. I grabbed my phone, checking to see if he called back or texted. But he hadn't.

All I got was radio silence.

It was what I deserved.

No, it’s not what I deserve. I gave myself the harsh mental reprimand of that internal belief. I didn't deserve radio silence. And he didn't deserve to be treated the way I treated him.

I was going to make it up to him if I could get to him in time.

Thirty minutes out.

Thirty minutes of waiting.

Thirty minutes of Fitz getting further and further away from me.

Every minute was excruciating. I called him again, keeping my fingers crossed, but he didn’t answer.

I fought the tears that sprang up. Every word replayed through my head again and I felt the guilt rising. I felt nauseous. I was so mad at myself.

“It’s going to be okay,” Luca said. “If you don’t make it in time, I can ask my dad to make you a portal. You’ll see him again, okay?”

“I just…I hurt his feelings to push him away. I said things I didn’t mean. I was freaking out over the idea of us being mated and me having no control and just…”

“Whoa. He wanted to take your control?” Luca suddenly sounded like he could murder someone.

“No, of course not,” I said quickly. “Of course not. He is so kind. He is so gentle. He is perfect in every way imaginable. I’m scared that I don’t deserve him.”

“That’s nonsense.” I glanced over at Luca and he let out a hum. “Listen, Sage. If the two of you are meant to be, it’ll work out.”

“Wow, what wonderful advice,” I mumbled.

Now he sighed. “I don’t know what else to tell you. You do deserve love. Everyone does. You deserve to be cared for, listened to, cherished. I’ve seen so many people fall in love that sometimes I feel like I'm desensitized to it, but then I see my parents. The way Dad does little things for Mom. Or how Papa makes them laugh. The lust that happens is wonderful, I’m sure, but it’s those small moments that remind me relationships are worth it. And if you think that’s what your life can be with him, it’ll work out.”

I blew out a breath, my heart rate starting to drop back to normal. I thought about what Luca said.

“Everything was just happening so fast,” I whispered.

“You met him on Friday,” Luca reminded me. “It’s normal for you to be scared.”

Friday felt like ages ago.

“But things with monsters are different,” he continued. “When they’re your fated mate, logic goes out the window. You’ve been matched by the Barista—well, maybe Layla—which means your souls are connected in ways we can’t see.”

The way he said ‘we can’t see’ carried a hint of bitterness.

“I didn’t think being a cynical romantic was possible but I’m entirely sure that’s what you are,” I said.

Luca snorted. “I just don’t have the luck everyone else does. I’m not even sure what I am, if we’re being honest.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, allowing our conversation to distract me from the impending doom I felt. I checked my phone again, my heart sinking. “Are you secretly a mothman?”

“No,” he chuckled. “Something else.”

“And your sister?”

He sighed. “Something else from me. I’m not a Grim Reaper.”

“She seems too sweet to be a Grim Reaper.”

“Yeah, that’s what I think we’re all worried about.”

“And you’re sure you aren’t one?” I asked. “Not that I know of any qualifications…”

“I don’t know,” he whispered. “I just know I’m not like her.”

The shadows in the car suddenly seemed darker and there was no sound, just pure eerie silence. My ears started to ring and I felt heat crawl through me, growing and growing until my blood felt like an inferno.

I punched him in the arm with a pained gasp.

Whatever just happened, it stopped just as suddenly as it started. The shadows disappeared and everything went back to normal.

“Fuck,” he whispered, his eyes stormier than I’d ever seen them. “Sorry, Sage. We’re almost there.”

“If I end up moving, you know you can always call me,” I said, worried. “I know we’re not like best friends, but I’m here for you. And if I don’t move because I’ve completely fucked everything up, then maybe we can try to hang out more.”

“Thank you,” he said. “I’m okay. And I think Fitz will forgive you.”

All I could do was hope. I sucked in a breath, looking at the navigation screen. Only a couple more minutes. I leaned forward, searching the sky for him.

It was too dark to see.

Fuck.

Please, please, please.

We came to the long drive that led to the house. Luca slammed on the brakes and I was already throwing the door open, stepping out into the humid night.

“Fitz!” I yelled. “Fitz! I’m sorry!”

There was no answer. I ran up the steps of the porch and opened the door, stepping inside.

“Fitz?!” I called.

The house was empty.

I fought more tears as I stepped back outside, desperately searching the stars for the mothman I loved.

“Fuck,” I breathed out, my knees feeling weak.

I’d ruined it all.

I walked around the house to the small yard, craning my head back as I looked for him. I tried calling again. No answer. Straight to voicemail.

“Fuck,” I said again.

I stood there until Luca finally came to join me. He stood silently for a few minutes.

“I’m sorry, Sage,” Luca said. “I think he’s gone.”

“What do I do?” I whispered.

“Well. Save your money on a plane ticket and take a portal to England?”

I thought about it. Would that be a bad idea? Would it be intrusive if I got there before he did?

“Come on,” Luca said. “It’ll be okay.”

I nodded. “Yes. Let’s do that, if you don’t mind. The only thing is, I’m not exactly sure what his address is.”

“Well, I’m absolutely sure Rum knows,” Luca chuckled. “And Rum is a family friend.”

“Everyone is your family friend,” I mumbled.

“You’re not wrong.”

“I just hope he can forgive me.”

Luca nodded. “He will. It’ll work out, I’m certain. And if it doesn’t…Well, that’s not an option.”

“I said some really hurtful things to him,” I said. “I overreacted to him telling me he loved me. And I used the things that could hurt us to really hurt him.”

“We all say shit sometimes,” Luca said.

I bit my lower lip. “I have some groveling to do.”

He hummed. “It’s going to be okay, Sage.”

I blew out a breath and stared at the sky a few moments longer. “Okay,” I finally said. “Let’s go.”