20. Twenty

Twenty

My eyes met Luke’s for the briefest second before I tore them away in shock. I couldn’t get drawn into his eyes, into him, into another situation. I cursed Cassie for getting me into this.

“Happy birthday,” said Luke.

I swallowed, trembling as I kept my eyes focused on the waves. In and out, in and out; just like my breath. Just keep breathing .

“Thanks. You came a long way to say that. A WhatsApp would’ve done it.”

“No, it wouldn’t.” He sat down next to me and held out a coffee cup. “Besides, I don’t have your number. Cassie wouldn’t give it to me, said you would kill her. Caramel Macchiato for the birthday girl?”

My lips betrayed me with a smile, which I tried to stop before he noticed. Luke held the cup out towards me and as I reached for it, our fingertips touched for the briefest instant.

“Thank you,” I snatched my hand away and lifted the lid, enjoying the smell of my old favourite. I took a long drink; the warm feeling flowed down my chest against the coldness of the air in my lungs. I decided to concentrate on that, and not the proximity of him because there was no way I was turning my favourite coffee down.

“Are you going to look at me?” Luke asked.

I shook my head and took another long sip, my eyes rooted on the horizon.

He wriggled closer, his arm against mine. I tried not to react, not to move, just kept my eyes ahead; but that touch was sucking the air out of me.

“Your hair suits you like that.”

“Thank you.” My face was on fire now as a blush overtook me. I was worried I sounded like an idiot who just kept saying thank you, but I was scared to get drawn into more.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?”

“It’s not normal to contact your exes and pass on new address details,” I replied, almost in a whisper.

“Is that all I am to you? An ex?”

I shrugged and tried to wipe a tear from my cheek without him noticing. When did I start crying?

“I tried to do the right thing,” he sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. I glanced my eyes to the side as he did so, noticing how beautiful his face still was. My memories had been perfect. That chiselled jawline, even the tiny chicken pox scar underneath his right eyebrow. “What went wrong? Cassie said it wasn’t her place to tell me. She’s extraordinarily loyal to you, that girl.”

“When we were at that mediation, Anna somehow recorded our conversation and sent it to Zack on his birthday. I think she paid the barman to record us.” I didn’t want to think about this, especially not on my own birthday.

“But nothing happened that night, or any night,” Luke sounded confused.

“No, but we discussed the fact that it was you who made the decision for me. Zack lost the plot that I hadn’t exactly chosen him. We were on holiday with all his family. It was awful.”

“I’m sorry,” Luke said.

“Not your fault, Anna’s always been a bitch. Slapping her silly at work didn’t help because then I was fired. But… it’s all worked out, I guess. I’m happy here.”

Luke reached for my left hand and lifted it up. He traced his fingertip over the place where my engagement ring used to sit; there wasn’t even a slight indentation there now.

I pulled away and shivered.

“When I heard about you and Zack. I wanted to rush straight to you, but I knew it wouldn’t have been the right time. Us and timing, hey?” Luke’s voice shook as he spoke. “I’ve been trying and wanting to find you ever since I found out you moved. Cassie was adamant she couldn’t betray your wishes but gave her own little clues, she said you needed time. What you did for her is amazing by the way, you should see how happy they all are.”

“Why did you want to find me, Luke? It just makes this harder. Three people got horribly hurt, we don’t need to revisit that.” I took another drink, sad that it was almost all gone. Was this moment over when the coffee was gone?

“Two of those people have the chance to get this right. It really would help if you’d look at me, Lily.”

“I can’t look at you. If I look at you, I’ll get all lost in us again,” I admitted.

“And that’s a bad thing because?”

“Because I can’t go through it all again. I’m fine here. I don’t want to ruin the life I’ve managed to build.”

Luke sighed. “There’s much more to life than being fine. I thought you’d be aware of that by now.”

“I’ve put you through so much, I don’t want to be the person who keeps doing that.”

“What if I want you to be that person? Because for every bad moment I went through for you, I also went through a hundred good moments.” He put his hand on my knee as he spoke and I felt his touch throughout my entire body. “I know you. I know you need time to deal with this. How about I come to yours later this evening? See if you can stand to look at my face by then? I think I should have a say in things.”

I sensed him smile as he spoke, and, like a beautiful contagion, the gesture spread to my own mouth.

“Maybe I’m just worried you’ve aged horribly and you aren’t pretty anymore. I’m a very shallow girl.”

“Only one way to find out. Do you want a lift back home?” Luke asked.

“No,” I shook my head. “How do you know where I live, anyway?”

“Wasn’t hard in a place that tiny with just one bakery,” Luke said as I felt him tense up beside me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean I was following you or anything like that. I…”

“Shh, I know. I know that’s not you.” I turned towards him. I wanted to reassure him that it was OK, but everything froze as I looked at him for the first time in so long. Truly looked at him. Luke reached for my hand and this time I didn’t try to stop him. The moment stretched on, the intensity was too much; I couldn’t let myself crack. I pulled my hand away and looked back towards the beach. “I might see you later then? I guess… If you happen to be nearby.”

Luke kissed the top of my head as he stood, and I melted underneath his lips. It felt as if my hair was rising to try and stay in contact with him. “If it’s up to me, that’s a definite yes. Hope the birthday coffee was perfect for you,” He took a step away then stopped. “Hey, did you hear we won the Maloney case?”

I swear my heart stuttered. “No, I hadn’t heard.”

“Yeah, some anonymous evidence turned up. Holly bought a lovely little house, she and the boy are doing so well. I wonder if I’ll ever find out where it came from?” His voice teased, but I wasn’t going to admit a thing.

“I doubt it but that sounds like the best outcome. For Holly and for your firm.”

I didn’t look up as his feet crunched across the shell-strewn sand. I took a deep breath, savouring the scent of him mingled in with the ocean. My eyes closed again of their own accord. Between the kiss and the scent, I didn’t think I could move.

I was petrified to consider what this could mean, but at the same time, my entire body was going berserk, having had him close but not quite close enough, it wanted more.

I wandered up and down the beach for a short time but I was too restless. A year of not being able to see him, and now, he was here on my birthday. Although he hadn’t quite said it outright, he seemed as if he still wanted me. It terrified me. Yet it also excited me; my stomach fizzed with anticipation.

Right now, though, I just wanted to get back to the cottage. This time I wanted to be prepared for seeing him. I wanted to be able to look him in the eyes.

I made haste to the bus stop as the various parts of me assaulted my mind with different emotions and intents.

My heart bounced around as though it had been injected with happiness.

My head was gloomy - warning me of more heartbreak to come.

My body told me… I really needed to shave my legs.