19. Nineteen

Nineteen

The months passed me by at a different pace and my mind and body appreciated the gentler rhythm. Life was… different. Quiet, calm, stress free. It felt strange to be off the Zack and Luke rollercoaster that had been my daily reality for so long.

Occasionally it felt a bit lonely but I just remembered the person I’d been, the person I’d become, and that I could be anything in the middle of that.

May was horrendous. My mind constantly wandered to the fact that I should have been getting married. I wondered if it plagued Zack’s thoughts in the same way. I’d put all my memories of him into both a physical and mental box, just as with Luke, and I tried not to visit either unless absolutely necessary.

My job, however, was lovely. Zoe and I had become so close. Cassie kept telling me how jealous she was. Zoe’s baby, Isla, was almost five months old and she spent many days in the bakery being cooed over; the girl would be a master baker before she started school. Even though Zoe was meant to be just doing accounts and so on from home she couldn’t resist popping in for chats and to see how it was all going. I loved it when I was left in charge; I adored the happy customers in this quaint little place. The way of life was different, something the rest of the world could stand to learn from. A different life to those crazy commutes into Manchester city center.

It was a truly beautiful corner of Devon, about thirty minutes from the seaside, set in traditional English countryside. The kind of place where everybody knew each other, yet I wasn’t made to feel like an outsider. And as nobody knew my past, the familiarity didn’t bother me at all.

I rented a tiny terraced cottage from Edna, who also loved to call for a chat. My mum and dad had helped me with the initial costs while I got settled. It simply contained a living room, kitchen/diner, one bedroom, and a small bathroom. The back had a pretty, little patio to sit out in. I loved it as soon as I noticed the peonies that grew all along one side.

This life might have seemed boring to other people, but I was out of the place where I felt like a failure for not ‘having it all’. I had plenty of early nights and plenty of dawn starts at work. Other than the odd shared bottle of wine with Zoe; I kept myself to myself. I read more than ever and Luke would have been proud of how healthy I was now - there wasn’t even a place to order takeaway pizza from.

I’d had my hair cut into a wavy bob and hadn’t worn heels once since I’d arrived here. New Lily. Country Lily. Stress-free Lily. Man-free Lily. That was another positive about this place - there didn’t seem to be any single men. I was joyous about that fact. If Cassie thought I’d been sworn off them before, it was forged in steel now.

Summer and autumn passed this way. I was content as long as I didn’t think about the might have beens or the what ifs… no matter how pretty they were. Over that summer I received the best news in the world – Cassie was pregnant! In a way that was unlike her she’d managed to not blurt it out and had waited until she was twelve weeks, sending me a scan photo and a million kisses. I was so, so happy for her. There were no weird feelings like Zack had implied… I flinched as I thought of him, and quickly shut him out of my head.

Cassie had planned to come down for my birthday (I didn’t even want to think about thirty), but knowing she was pregnant and suffering with morning sickness I was much happier for her to stay at home and not undertake such a long drive. I promised I would travel north again soon to see her, but I honestly didn’t know if I could bring myself to ever go back to that town. My mum and dad also wanted to come down for my birthday but I just felt like I was better alone so, again, told a little white lie and promised to see them at the same time I visited Cassie.

My birthday was on a Sunday and I planned to go to the beach. Even though the November weather was now distinctly chilly I still loved to walk along the shore, feeling the shells crunch under my feet, breathing in that salty air which seemed to fill my lungs up with freshness. It felt as if I could breathe deeper when I was by the sea.

Zoe baked me an amazing cake on the Saturday night, and I had dinner with her and her husband, Marcus. Their house was only minutes from mine and I wandered home, swaying ever so slightly, with a stomach full of moussaka and pinot grigio. I drank rarely now so it really affected me when I did.

A few cards had arrived with the postman that morning but as I walked up the driveway I saw another envelope on the mat. Strange, maybe it had gone to a neighbour by mistake and they’d left it there for me?

I put the envelope down on the side with the others, locked the door, and headed to bed, feeling trepidatious. My twenties had been weird; I didn’t feel they were what twenties should have been. What on earth was going to happen in my thirties? I hoped just happiness and peaceful times. I was only asking for the simplest things .

As I climbed into bed, cuddled up in warm pyjamas, I worried that although I was happy to have this peaceful life, if this was how I spent the next ten years, would I just awake aged forty and feel like I had missed out on everything? Regardless, there was nothing I could do right now. I wasn’t going to open myself up to those levels of pain again.

I’d made sure to get a special birthday breakfast in for myself. I could spoil myself, who needed a bloody ABC of birthday presents anyway? So flashy, so not new Lily.

Early the following morning, I sat in my little courtyard garden; even though it was cold the morning air was beautiful; crisp and clear in my lungs. I had a huge mug of Starbucks brew coffee, a warm pain au chocolat, and a stack of birthday cards to open.

The cards from my parents warmed my heart. They’d sent me one each, which was gorgeous but I worried it was because they thought I wouldn’t have many to open. There were others from aunts and uncles. A beautiful card from Cassie who had filled every tiny space with funny stories from our past; it took an age to read and made me laugh out loud multiple times. She’d also separately sent pictures that Ruby and Emilia had drawn of her with a huge tummy, which just made my heart burst open with love. How had Zack ever wanted me to not do that for Cassie? Lily, just stop it, stop thinking about it. I put my head down into my hands, took a deep breath, and opened the last card, which I now noticed had been hand delivered. It was the one from the doormat last night, and it had no post mark.

It was a beautiful illustration of a lily plant in bloom. My heartbeat tripped over itself as I read the inscription.

You are the best of me

and I, the best of you

We meet in the middle

like a brilliant burst of stars

so bright,

that love itself would be blinded

I put the card down on the table in front of me, gulping back emotions as my hand trembled. There was only one way that had been delivered. I wasn’t ready, I would never be ready for that.

I gathered all the cards together and hurried back inside, locking the back door and retreating to the safety that was my duvet.

I didn’t want to look at it, but I needed to read it again. I read it over and over. Was it Luke? How the hell would he know where to find me? How… Cassie !

“Birthday girl!” She yelled down the phone as she answered. “It’s early. You having a lovely morning?”

“Why did I get a hand delivered card with a beautiful poem inside?”

“I’m pregnant, you aren’t allowed to be mean to me!”

“Cassie…” I put the phone down on my pillow, laying my head down next to it as realisation dawned on me. “Why did you tell him?”

“I didn’t… I just left some little clues. He’s intelligent, you know those lawyer types.”

“So, he’s here?” My hands shook with nerves, I promptly squashed them down.

“I don’t know. I left things vague. I didn’t want to push either of you. Although frankly, you both need your heads bashing together, have done for a long time.”

“I’m not ready…”

“Sweetheart, where Luke’s concerned, you were born ready. Listen…” She coughed and I heard the rustling of sheets. “Gotta go, bloody morning sickness…”

She ended the call abruptly, poor thing, I knew she was still struggling with nausea. But what had she done? Was he on his way? All too familiar feelings of disquiet curdled up within me.

If the doorbell went I just wouldn’t answer it. It wasn’t necessarily him anyway, and if it was… he’d take the hint .

I spent extra time in the shower… that way I wouldn’t hear the door if it did go.

I spent ages blow drying my hair… that would also drown out the noise of the door.

Purely because it was my birthday, no other reason, I felt like I should look pretty. I wore a brand new, beautiful floral dress which made my boobs look amazing, paired with suede boots I hadn’t worn in ages and a warm jacket. Thirty-year-old Lily was ready to head to the beach. Being out of the house was a good idea, it also meant I couldn’t hear the door should anyone knock on it. I had never in my life spent so much energy thinking about a bloody front door.

I meandered up the road and waited at the bus stop. The buses weren’t that regular on Sundays. I left the village so rarely there wasn’t much point in changing the habits of a lifetime and buying a car. I was quite happy with the slower journey and the chance to daydream out of the window.

Paranoia had set in, though, which was stupid; this was all in my head. Luke wasn’t going to charge down here and try to rescue me on my birthday. Even if he did I wasn’t interested. I was completely not interested. I didn’t need rescuing.

Convinced of these facts I stepped up onto the bus and smiled at the driver as I paid my fare. Still nothing untoward had happened, and nor would it. It had definitely all been in my head. It was probably just a local customer who saw the card and thought of me… and wrote romantic poems… like my ex. I sat down with a dramatic sigh, trying to chase the thoughts out of my head. Scared to admit to myself that there was a slight tremor of excitement alongside my fear.

The feeling of stepping off the bus and being at the seaside never got old. I smiled at the sensation as the cold, salty air hit my lungs. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky today; it was bitter but bright and clear; perfect weather for how I wanted my birthday to be.

I headed straight for the sea front, smiling as I saw the beach on the horizon. Something about it just calmed me. I’d love to have a place by the sea one day. Maybe my own bakery. It would be chaotic in summer with the tourists, but during the winter, I could just take my time, stroll like this, enjoy the moments. What was life without these moments, after all? Slowing down had made me realise, for certain, it was the little things that made life worth living.

I passed by a large coffee shop and looked longingly inside, but I was trying to support smaller, local businesses so decided to continue and find my favourite. A small café we’d supplied cakes to over the summer. A cosy spot on the beach with a large coffee and my thoughts to myself was what I needed. I had a book and, of course, chocolate in my bag. There was pretty much always a book and chocolate in my bag.

It soon became apparent, though, that on a quiet, out-of-season Sunday, my favourite local businesses were closed. No caffeine for me. I’d given up a lot of vices, including wine and designer shoes, but coffee and I would never be torn apart.

Stepping down onto the sand I sat on the long sea wall and tucked my legs up under my chin; holding onto my dress so as not to expose myself to the seagulls, should a gust of wind catch it.

As I watched the waves roll in and out, my breath slowed to their rhythm. So, this was thirty? It could be better but it could be a whole lot worse. There was not a soul about; I loved the peacefulness of this place. How different to where I’d been a year ago, and a year before that. I didn’t want to feel glum as I looked back; best just to focus on this birthday.

I closed my eyes and held my head up to the sky, letting the weak, winter sun rest on my face. I was in shadow all of a sudden - where had dark clouds appeared from? I held a hand up to my face to block out any glare as I opened my eyes.

But I didn’t see clouds or sunshine. I only saw him…