18. Eighteen

Eighteen

I knew Cassie wouldn’t necessarily get pregnant on the first try but they had plenty of eggs ‘on ice’, and I was confident it would happen for her sooner rather than later; I had a feeling. The clinic was happy with how it had all gone so far. That was my part over; it was Cassie who had all the hard work ahead of her. Guy joked about the strain of producing ‘samples’, but we generally rolled our eyes and ignored him. Cassie was the most impatient person I’d ever met; I didn’t envy Guy putting up with her for the next few months. The poor man probably also wasn’t going to see much action as she’d already made it crystal clear she was saving her vagina for the scientists. His sample production might have to sustain him.

As for my own situation…

I lived in my friend’s garden .

Said best friend would soon be pregnant, all being well.

I was heartbroken over two exes - both of whom lived too close for comfort.

I had no job.

I needed a fresh start; that much was obvious. The thought of starting afresh petrified me. But the thought of my life remaining at a standstill was worse.

To go to a place where I was anonymous, where nobody knew me. That wasn’t all bad. I could be anyone, anything; nobody would ever know.

Cassie wanted me to stay in the granny flat forever but I knew I couldn’t. It wasn’t going to be easy to tell her my final decision, but I needed to. I had to make her understand.

My mind felt as battered and bruised as my heart; I struggled to concentrate on simple tasks. The thing about a new start when you’re alone – no need to worry about anyone else. If it didn’t work, I’d just start again. Maybe I’d end up one of those eclectic old ladies who’d been everywhere, completely independent and zen.

I remembered holidaying in Devon when I was a teenager and it being stunning. All gorgeous beaches and charming countryside. I had an image in my head of me wandering up and down said beautiful beaches, all windswept and beautiful. Recovering from my heartbreak, finding my inner peace. I would become utterly content on my own, I was sure. I had been before, after all. Before that bloody blind date.

Thank goodness for the internet, it made the world seem small. It was easy to research Devon, and I began a daily ritual of Googling jobs and flats. I just needed to wait for the right opportunity to crop up. I never had a doubt it would. I was going to have faith in myself, stick to my decisions, and not let other people sway me this time.

After just a week, it seemed that fate shared my plan. A place called ‘Zoe Bakes’ needed help while the owner took maternity leave. A flurry of Google later and I’d discovered it was located in a tiny village about half an hour from the seaside. It sounded perfect. I sent an email of interest and immediately planned my new life. I could imagine myself wandering around the village, serene and calm in pretty Seasalt dresses, like a chilled-out countryside girl.

When my phone rang an hour later with a number I didn’t recognise, a little squee noise escaped me.

“Hello, Lily speaking,” I answered, trying to sound confident and professional.

“Hi, this is Zoe. You sent an email about the maternity cover?” The voice was soothing and calm.

“Yes, I did, thank you for getting back to me so quickly.”

“In all honesty, I haven’t been inundated with applications. Being based in the middle of nowhere doesn’t help. I noticed your address is in Lancashire. Bit too far to commute,” she joked. It put me at ease.

“I’m looking to relocate, just been waiting for the right opportunity and this sounds exactly what I want to be doing,” I said.

“Well I’m growing to the size of a house steadily day by day. I’d need you to jump straight in, would that be a problem? I’d have to take you on as a trial to make sure we worked together OK and I know that’s a big ask when you’re moving so far?” Zoe asked in an inquisitive tone.

“It’s not a problem. I could come down anytime. Is it only maternity cover? That’s not a problem, but just so I know.”

“Initially, yes, it’s to cover my maternity leave, but afterwards I’ll be keeping the person on if they’ve worked out. I won’t be able to manage everything and spend the time I want with the baby,” she paused. “I don’t suppose there’s any chance we could talk over Zoom could we? I can tell a lot from a face.”

“Of course,” I’m sure I sounded ridiculously enthusiastic but I wanted this opportunity so much. “Text me the details, I can be on in ten minutes.”

I rushed through to Guy’s office as soon as she ended the call. Fortunately he was away at a conference and I knew his computer password was a combination of Ruby and Emilia’s names – very secure!

I was alone in the virtual meeting room as I dialled in and checked that I looked presentable on the screen before it burst into life with a face I assumed to be Zoe’s. She looked to be in her mid-thirties, sporting a wide, toothy smile that reminded me of Julia Roberts. Her tanned, freckled face was framed with incredible auburn hair, which curled into wild corkscrews. Amber-brown eyes darted off to the left as she watched herself in the camera and tied the wild curls back into a ponytail.

“Lovely to put a face to the voice, that’s better,” she smiled at me as she continued. “Can you tell me a little more about your experience?”

“It’s all amateur,” I began to explain. “But I’ve always been told I have a natural talent. I love to bake. My brownies are famous around here, I make everyone’s birthday cakes, I even did a naked wedding cake for a colleague a couple of years back. I could send pictures?”

“That would be good, I’d appreciate it,” she said. “The real test would be the taste, of course. We’d need to spend time getting you up to date on all the hygiene procedures too, if you were to join me.”

“I did get food hygiene certificates a couple of years back because I was thinking of pursuing things more formally. I’m happy to do a refresher course?”

“You know what, Lily…” Zoe scratched at the top of her head, and a stray curl fell loose over her forehead. “I get a good feeling about you. How do you feel about coming down for a trial?”

“I’d love to!” I grinned into the camera, then stopped myself and tried to look professional rather than desperate.

“Come down for a few days, we’ll work together. You can bake me all your favourites. Be warned, I’m eating for two, and I have massive sugar cravings. When could you make it? I realise it’s a long way and a big ask.”

I trusted this woman; it felt like I could be myself. “At the risk of sounding pathetic, I have no plans. I could be there on Monday.”

“Monday it is then,” she said. “I’ll email you the details, but I need to go, baby is kicking me right in the bladder.” She waved, cheerful and childlike, then the screen went blank.

I turned the computer off and twirled slowly around in Guy’s leather office chair; imagining myself at the head of a baking empire with not a bloody lawyer in sight!

That had progressed quickly. Zoe seemed like she didn’t hang around before she made decisions. This was it then, I was off. New start, new me… Hopefully, as long as I could ace this trial. I just needed to get my head in the game.

After over six hours slumped in the mini listening to a playlist designed to not make me cry; I realised just how far away Devon actually was. Perfect. It already seemed as though I could breathe easier knowing neither of them would be nearby; not having to worry every time I nipped to the shops. The village itself was beautiful with a quaint main road containing all the usual suspects – post office, corner shop, tea rooms, hardware store, and, of course, the bakery. There only seemed to be one pub, but it was gorgeous; surrounded by enormous hanging baskets full of colourful begonias and petunias.

When I’d looked for accommodation for this trial there was only one place- a farmhouse that also served as a bed and breakfast. I’d noticed that there were no houses available to rent so if this worked, I’d potentially need to stay further out.

After I checked in, if you could call it something that formal, with Sophie at the farm I lay down on the beautiful, flowery bedspread in my attic room. Just breathing, enjoying the space, the quiet, the calm. A new start… I smiled at the thought, my last one until morning as the months of exhaustion overtook me, and for the first time in so long, I slumbered in deep, satisfying, dreamless rest.

The well-needed sleep, coupled with the insanely good farmhouse full English breakfast, meant I felt ready to take on the world as I headed into the village to meet Zoe.

This didn’t seem to be a heels sort of place. I’d worn black ballet pumps with a long, blue, pleated skirt and cream top. Obviously I hadn’t put the top on until after the fried egg and coffee spillage risks were taken care of.

A little bell dinged as I opened the door to the bakery and without meaning to I closed my eyes and took a deep breath of the amazing smell. Icing, cinnamon, and sugar, maybe melting chocolate… All the best aromas. Definitely superior to men… Even that little spot on their necks that I was so enamoured with.

“Lily?” My eyes pinged open and I was greeted with a smiling face, vaguely familiar from our zoom call.

“Hi, yes, sorry. I was just taking a moment, smells like heaven in here,” I began to explain, trying not to trip over my words. “Zoe?”

The lady in front of me nodded. She looked just like she had on Zoom only more animated; her smile shone. I also spotted an enormous baby bump barely contained behind her apron. “Zoe – almost the size of a house – Curtis. Come in, I’ve been so excited to meet you, Lily.”

Half an hour later, ensconced in the back of the shop with cups of tea and fresh-out-of-the-oven blueberry muffins, I felt as if Zoe was an old friend. She’d had the shop here for two years. Although it was only a small village she supplied a few places in the nearby seaside town, and that kept her business sustainable. Her baby was due in six weeks, and although she intended to still put a few hours in; she needed help with the baking, the deliveries, and manning the shop.

“So, maybe tomorrow you could make me a couple of your specialities, then I can see what your work is like?” Zoe asked.

“I’d love that,” I smiled as I spoke, meaning it wholeheartedly. This place felt good; I had all the right feels that this was the fresh start I needed.

I lay in the soft bed at the farmhouse that night Googling recipes, even though I knew my own off by heart. I was certain I would make salted caramel brownies; everyone went mad for them. Zack was obsessed with them. I sighed and rolled over; looking at the moon as it shone in through the window. This wasn’t about him anymore; this was about me.

Strawberry and Pimms cupcakes! The memory suddenly flashed into my mind of when I’d made them for a summer away day at Draper they were delicious. I’d just have to hope the local shop sold Pimms. We’d all tucked into them after we played rounders for a fun team-building activity. Luke and I had, of course, been on the winning team.

There was another item I loved to bake though and I hadn’t attempted it in so long, simply because it was Luke’s absolute favourite, and to bake it for anyone else just brought back crazy memories and a random sense of betrayal. Red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting. I’d make it as a large cake and then she’d see my skill for the bigger projects as well as the everyday bakes.

I wished, momentarily, that I could take a picture of the finished product and send it to Luke, remind him of the time I’d made it at his and nearly ruined his kitchen. I wasn’t used to his mixer and the cream cheese frosting had gone everywhere- splattered over every surface, including me and him. It was at a point we were just friends, but god, it had been sexy; why the hell hadn’t I thought to take it further? He’d pretended to be mad and pushed me against the wall, so even more of the frosting squashed into my hair; then he’d slowly lifted my arm up and licked a trail from my inner wrist to my elbow cleaning the delicious mess from me.

I sighed with a deep longing as I rolled onto my back; what I’d give for his mouth to be anywhere near me right now. I didn’t even reprimand myself this time, I just smiled as I slid deeper under the covers and allowed myself to fantasise about how differently that scenario could’ve played out if only I’d known, or he’d confessed.

- -

By the end of Thursday I was hoping and praying that Zoe was happy with the trial; I knew this was where I wanted to be. We got along like old friends and seemed to work well together. I wanted this opportunity badly, but, given my luck lately I didn’t dare hope for a good outcome.

Zoe had invited me to her house for something to eat that evening before I headed home the next morning. I took that as a promising sign as I got ready. I loved the farmhouse B not to mention the effect all those cooked breakfasts would have on me.

“Lily, welcome,” she said as she opened her front door to me. She attempted to wrap me in a hug but her bump wouldn’t allow her close enough. We laughed together as she showed me through to the dining room. “It’s just us I’m afraid, the husband’s stuck at work.”

“That’s fine, don’t worry. You haven’t gone to too much effort, have you?” I asked as the doorbell rang.

“Getting the takeaway from the front door and into the kitchen is as much effort as I’m putting in. I got you wine though, help yourself from the fridge.”

An hour later, we were both full to bursting with sticky sweet and sour chicken, delicious noodles, and a mountain of prawn crackers. My mind also felt nicely relaxed from the beautiful Aussie wine Zoe had bought for me.

“So,” she began. “As far as the trial goes, you’re amazing, and I think we get on like a house on fire. I’d love it if you could start as soon as possible?”

I couldn’t help but break into a wide, genuine smile. “Definitely a yes!” I stopped myself from bouncing up and down on the couch like an excitable toddler. “I don’t suppose you know of any nearby towns I could look to rent in, though, do you? There doesn’t seem to be anything here. I’ve been keeping an eye out, just in case you wanted me to stay.”

“I do know of somewhere. It’s a tiny place, though. Edna has had to go live with family due to ill health. If you had a boyfriend, or anyone, it might be too small?” Zoe watched me closely as she asked the question. There had been a couple of times during the week she’d hinted at wanting to know why I was relocating so far.

“It’s just me. I…” My fingers went straight to where my engagement ring used to be, Zoe’s eyes followed. “I was supposed to be getting married but my fiancé called it off. There’s nothing to salvage. Then I lost my job… I just want to be somewhere new, a fresh start.”

“If I could move, I’d hug you.” Zoe looked at me, her eyes full of empathy.

“It’s fine, don’t worry. A place like this is just what I need.”

She wrote a phone number down and handed me the slip of paper. “That’s Edna’s number, tell her I told you to ring. Explain about the job. She’ll be glad to not have the place empty. Basically, the sooner you can get here the better.”

As I wandered back to the B it was amazing how many more stars were visible out in the countryside. The air felt cleaner in my lungs too. For a brief moment I wished I was going home to Zack or Luke – to tell them this exciting news. But I stopped myself. No more of them. No more of that. This was all about me now, my new start. Time to focus on Lily.

Two short weeks later, all of my bags and boxes cluttered up the middle of Cassie’s drive as I waited for my dad to come and pick everything up, including me. He was taking me on the one-way trip. My parents still wished I would stay closer but they were supportive of the decision, on the whole. It all had to happen fast with Zoe’s baby being due within weeks and I felt like that was the best way. Rip that plaster off and move on.

Cassie reached for my hand; tears dragged her mascara down her face. “It’s not too late, you know. You could stay. You could talk to Luke. I could ring him and he’d be here in minutes. I know he would.”

I shook my head. “It is too late, but thank you for respecting my wishes by not telling him. ”

“I can tell him the minute you’re gone, right?” She laughed as she spoke, but it didn’t disguise how upset she was.

“You can tell him I moved but not where. I wouldn’t make a big deal about it, though,” I shrugged. “This is weird. I know it isn’t, but it feels so final. Could hardly hold it together saying goodbye to the kids this morning.”

“I’ll keep you updated on all the news,” Cassie patted her stomach. “I honestly can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done.”

I wrapped my arms around her and sobbed into her hair. “I’d do anything for you; I love you. I miss you already. You’re going to need to turn your phone off to get away from my non-stop messages.”

“That had better be true,” she sobbed back to me. “And we’ll be down to visit as soon as possible.”

I heard the familiar sound of dad’s car as it turned into the driveway. I’d been so scared that first day of high school - I wasn’t good at making friends. Cassie’s beaming smile had seemed approachable and we’d hit it off instantly. I loved her so much but I couldn’t stay in a painful place purely for that. I needed this new start, I needed to find me again. The real me… Maybe for the first time.