21. Twenty One

Twenty One

I raced into the cottage and pulled the front door closed behind me. I had no idea how long I had to get prepared; this was stressful. Thankfully, the place was immaculate. I always seemed to have time for cleaning now. It was just myself I needed to fix up.

I ran a deep bath with my best bubbles, and as the hot water tumbled into the tub, I surveyed myself in the mirror. He’d said he liked my hair. I smiled as I pulled at the ends of it, still not used to it sitting up above my shoulders. Thanks to the early nights and lack of alcohol, my skin looked better than it ever had. What kind of image did I need to portray here, though?

I mulled it over as I lay back in the bath, my razor working harder than it had ever known. It would be weird if he turned up and I was dressed up to the nines. I also couldn’t do pyjamas and no make-up Lily. I didn’t even think I had eyeliner in, however, which would have been unheard of in the past.

I daren’t stay in the bath too long in case I missed a knock at the door. After smothering myself in expensive body cream, I dressed in tight black jeans and a soft, dusky pink jumper that I’d bought online a couple of weeks ago. I knew he was a sucker for cuddling up to soft material. I convinced myself that it was for no particular reason that my best matching underwear was underneath, after all, I wasn’t planning on anything happening. Nothing at all was going to happen.

Lily, what are you even doing? I wished I had wine in the fridge. I felt weak and silly. All this time I’d insisted I was fine alone, then fifteen minutes sat next to Luke and I reverted to giddy teenager. It would be better not to let him in. What was the point of getting his hopes up when this could never be? We could never be? I was back to that feeling of being torn; I couldn’t stand it.

Apart from mascara, I left my face bare. My hair had settled into lovely waves, which suited the bob. My whole body was on tenterhooks in case the door went, but so far, I hadn’t heard a peep. I misted myself in a cloud of my favourite perfume before I took the Gucci box downstairs and settled at my small dining table. It seemed a fitting time to put our playlist on again, of course, beginning with The Scientist. It felt as though Coldplay had written it just for me and Luke .

I always smiled at the shoes as soon as I opened this box, they were beautiful, and none of the heartache was their fault; shoes this beautiful would never cause pain like that! I noted that the memory card was still safely stashed away too.

I wondered how long Luke had been considering charging down here for me.

I read through the message in The Metro again.

The scent of you close

So near, yet so far

A simple memory, almost a ghost

I envy the darkness of the coffee

As it passes by your lips

The memory of your kisses

still burning at my skin

I’d put this in the box just because it was lovely, but thinking back, there had been that feeling a couple of weeks before I saw this edition, when this exact song had played. When I’d felt on edge, like he was close. Had he been close? Was this message in relation to that? I had no idea if this was definitely him, but I felt that it was. His words resonated with me.

The paper from the supermarket – that was only a couple of weeks after he sent me the email; that could have just been random. Yet the style seemed to fit, and, every time I read it, I felt something shift inside of me. It reminded me of the night in the teepee in Luke’s garden for some reason, such an incredible night.

It was almost beautiful fate

but we were in the wrong place,

the wrong time, the wrong state

Nevertheless

My soul knows yours

on this, I’m steadfast

Our connection wasn’t forced

My heart misses yours

I need belief

that next time around

We… can be us…

It was like the most romantic puzzle in the world. I continued shifting the pieces around for a moment until I froze, hearing the sound of feet on the driveway. Who was I kidding? I would never be able to say no to Luke. Me and him… we were something else entirely.