2. Two

Two

We hadn’t thought to close the window shutters after we collapsed together, and so were consequently awoken by blinding rays of sunlight, which penetrated the room not long after five a.m. As I opened my eyes and squinted against the glare, I realised my head was on Zack’s chest, our arms around each other, our legs tangled up. We seemed to have woken with a void between us lately, this felt infinitely better.

“Why is it so bright?” Zack groaned, his voice deep and fatigued.

I pressed a quick kiss to his lips. “I’ll sort it, stay there.”

I forced myself out of the bed and opened the large window to let a breath of air into the stuffy room. As I altered the angle of the shutters, they blocked the strong rays of morning sun .

“That’s better, but I was enjoying the view,” said Zack. I pivoted and saw him turn onto his side.

“No, don’t move, I had a perfect little spot there.” I complained as I scooted back under the covers and tried to roll him onto his back again. I, of course, had no chance.

“Am I just here as a cushion to help you sleep?”

“It was nice waking up like that, I missed it.” I confessed.

“So, you want me to be nice again now?” Zack asked with a definite tone of annoyance.

“Zack—” I began.

“Look, if you just fancied spicing this up a bit, that’s fine. Never going to complain. But if there’s something wrong, you need to tell me. You can’t bottle things up and expect me to keep up. Yes, I’ve been desperate to get back to how we were, but I don’t just want you physically, it’s not all about sex. I want that connection back, that emotion. I don’t want to be with someone who seems like their mind is elsewhere.”

I laid my head back down on his smooth chest; his heartbeat drummed faster than normal. He wrapped his arm around me, and I knew I had to try and explain.

“My emotions are still a little beaten up. I’m sure yours are too. From the first time that you and I were together, at the wedding, it’s always been full of feeling and love. Do you know what I mean? ”

Zack kissed the top of my head. “I do, it’s one of the ways I’ve always known we’re right together.”

“I was petrified, to be honest, that the feeling might be gone. Or it would be so strong I would be a sobbing wreck, and you’d think there was something wrong with me. It was easier to keep putting it off, but I knew that was stressing you out too.”

“Are you having doubts?” Zack gulped as he asked the question.

“No.” I kissed the hot skin of his chest. “No doubts. I love you.”

“You can talk to me, you know? You don’t have to keep these worries in.”

“I want us to look forwards and not back.” I replied, not wanting to acknowledge the fact that it was simply too painful to broach.

“Me too. But ignoring the issues won’t help in the long term.” Zack sat and pulled me onto him as he spoke, our chests pressed together under the thin summer sheet on the bed. I ran my hand up through his messy and disheveled hair as I nodded in agreement. “You only want me for my hair, don’t you?” A dimple appeared in his left cheek as he gave me his cheekiest grin.

His smile lit me up and infected me with happiness as I found myself smiling back. “Is it a problem?” I kissed him, and his breath shifted as my naked body pressed tight against his .

“Never…”

This was a million miles away from last night; feather-soft touches and slow kisses, whisperings of love and adoration. Our eyes took each other in as we synchronised together in a perfect mix. Everything in the universe felt healed and perfect for those moments. I couldn’t remember what I’d been afraid of.

We knew each other inside out; our bodies instinctively moved to please the other. The sun was already blistering hot, and Zack’s finger squeaked against the sweat on my back as he ran it up and down my spine. My hair stuck to his damp shoulder as I pressed my face against his neck. I struggled under ragged breaths as the sensations overtook me. Zack joined me, squeezing my body just a fraction too hard.

As we recovered, I lay on top of him and pressed kiss after kiss to his mouth, his cheeks, his neck. He wiped away the steady flow of tears that fell from my eyes with a gentle touch, the tears I’d been afraid of. Tears of love, hope, regret, grief… all mingled into a mess that threatened to overwhelm me.

“It’s OK, Lily,” he said as he hugged me with such care. “We’re OK, everything’s going to be fine.”

Then we heard the thunder that was the footsteps of two small children as they ran down the hallway and tiny fists began to bang on our door. Zack pulled on shorts and a t-shirt, kissing me before he spoke. “I’ll take them downstairs. You get a shower or more sleep if you want.” I smiled to myself as I heard him pick them up and spin them around. The two girls giggled with joy before badgering him to make pancakes for breakfast. I lay back on the pillows, content. It was six-thirty now… I’d gone a whole hour and a half without thinking about Luke.

After such a start to the day, I couldn’t fall back asleep. I jumped into a cool shower and threw on a dark blue sundress, leaving my hair to dry naturally. As I padded down the stairs, I was greeted by more laughter from the kitchen, then the sight of two small girls with Nutella smeared across their faces, plus half a jug of pancake mix spilt all over the worktop. Zack was over by the hob. He held one of Cassie’s favourite Le Creuset frying pans as he flipped a pancake into the air. I could see the last attempt on the floor next to him, which had, no doubt, caused the hysterical laughter. I was taken aback for a moment by how good he looked; it was as though I hadn’t properly looked at him these last few weeks. Mr tall, dark and handsome was looking divine - his skin tanned, his defined biceps visible through his t-shirt. He’d definitely awoken my sex drive that morning.

I ruffled the girls’ soft, baby hair as I walked past them. Heading to Zack, my arms wrapped around him as he placed the pan down. “Didn’t expect to see you up yet.”

“A beautiful day like this and I get to spend it with you. Why would I waste a minute?” I smiled, and we locked eyes, zoned out in each other. We weren’t fixed, but that had been a good step closer.

“What time’s Mummy home?” asked Ruby with a toothy, chocolatey smile.

“Later this afternoon, sweetheart,” I replied. “Are you missing her?”

She shrugged. “A little. She’ll go mad that you’re letting Emilia lick Nutella out of the jar.” She pointed at her little sister.

I whizzed around and plucked the now almost empty glass jar from her warm, pudgy hands. Please don’t let her throw up after all that! “Well, I guess we better go to the shops and buy a new one, hey?” I said, as I tossed it into the recycling bin.

The day was just as hot, the heatwave not abating, but we were sheltered in the shadows of the large oak trees that lined both sides of Cassie’s road. A soft breeze danced around us as we held hands and walked. I smiled at the little girls who skipped a couple of steps ahead of us, singing made up lyrics to something they’d heard on the radio. I grabbed my phone to snap a picture and sent it off to Cassie.

Proof of life

Haha! Are they behaving?

They’re angels! I mean they get up ridiculously early and they never stop moving and they eat enough for four adults, but apart from that, angels!

Everything OK with Zack? Progress?

Cassie knew things hadn’t exactly been back to normal in the bedroom. I glanced up at Zack before I replied to the message with one hand, whilst he squeezed my other.

The Eagle has landed… twice

About bloody time too! More of a sparrow here but nevermind!

I spluttered with laughter, causing Zack to look down at me with a quizzical smile. “I guess that’s Cassie, then? Should I even ask what you two are discussing?”

I shook my head, chuckling as I slid the phone back into my bag. “Best not.”

Once in the supermarket, I was happy to let the girls take all the time in the world to choose an ice lolly. It was beautifully chilled in the freezer aisle, I lingered as long as possible without arousing suspicion.

“We’ve given them way too much sugar.” I said to Zack, as guilt burrowed away in my belly.

“It’s one weekend, they’ll be back on couscous tomorrow.” He winked, which awoke all the butterflies within me. “God, it’s cold here, it’s amazing.”

“You’re amazing.” I smiled coyly as our arms swung backwards and forwards in a slow arc.

“Nope, you are.” He pressed a quick kiss to my lips. This was like third or fourth date territory again, it felt good.

“Is it still OK to go see my mum and dad before we set off home?” I asked. My eyes flicked between him and the girls. “I’ll buy some ingredients now and bake them a carrot cake, it’s dad’s favourite.”

“Of course, be rude to be this close and not say hi. Plus, I love your carrot cake too.” Zack responded, which set off another twinge of guilt as I thought back to all the time I’d spent in this town with Luke and never visited them once. Never even told them I was here; it would’ve been too complicated.

As we queued at the checkout, Zack’s phone rang. He headed outside to answer, leaving me with the girls. Ruby and Emilia held onto me patiently until it was our turn, at which point they both rushed to grab a bag, ready to pack. I looked down into my handbag, searching for my purse, which always ended up buried under a mountain of stuff.

Then I felt eyes on me.

Goosebumps popped up along my arms. I shivered as a chill ran through me. The automatic doors at the front of the shop swished closed, I couldn’t see anyone suspicious. I took a deep breath, and my olfactory senses went into overdrive. My mind was assaulted with images – breathing in the aroma from Luke’s pillow, being nuzzled into his neck, the scent of his t-shirt as I wore it around the house after a lazy, sexy morning.

My hand shook as I paid the bill. Had he been in the shop? Why else would I be breathing in his smell? I knew it was a risk being in my old town, so close to him, but Cassie had told him she’d be away, there was no risk of him popping around. Besides, I couldn’t avoid the place where my best friend and my parents lived forever. My best friend, singular, that still felt strange.

I surveyed the street as we strolled outside, the heat oppressive after the coolness of the store. Zack laughed loudly down the phone, he obviously hadn’t seen Luke - if it even had been him, or it would be a very different scene out here now. I unwrapped the fruity ice lollies the girls had chosen; the wrappers clinging to my fingers as I tried to deposit them in the bin, still glancing around.

“That was Hannah,” Zack explained. “She was quizzing me about you, she wants to arrange a night out.” Hannah was one of Zack’s older sisters; she was brilliant fun. I loved his whole family, to be fair. From the first time I met them, they’d welcomed me wholeheartedly.

Whatever or whoever I’d smelled was gone. I smiled at Zack and tried to get the idiotic notion out of my head. “I’d love that, I’ll message her tonight.” He rubbed his fingers up my arm in a playful manner before Ruby and Emilia launched themselves at him, wanting a hand each. “I guess I’ll have to get in line to hold your hand, hey?”

“I don’t know what to say. When two pretty blondes demand me, what can I do?” He teased as we started to walk back towards the house. For me, though, a joke about two blondes was a little too soon.

As late afternoon rolled around with no let up to the temperature, we heard the rumble of a car pull up the wide driveway. Ruby and Emilia ran to the front door and jumped on Cassie and Guy with giddy squeals as they walked inside; both looked infinitely more relaxed. Then the girls ran straight back to Zack, he was like a magnet for small children and puppies.

“Welcome home! You two have a great time?” I asked.

“It was amazing.” Cassie pulled me into a hug. “Thank you so much for staying with the kids.” Her blonde bob shone in the sunlight, and, as always, her smile was infectious.

“It’s been great fun, never a problem.” I looked over to the kitchen where Zack and the girls were engrossed in a game.

“He’s so broody, you know this, right?” Cassie asked. She dug her elbow into my side.

“Erm, I don’t think so.”

“He is. ”

“What are we talking about?” asked Guy as he reached down and brushed a friendly kiss across my cheek, before placing a large weekend bag down beside the door. Guy was very tall and with Cassie so petite, both features seemed accentuated. I was glad Zack was only a couple of inches bigger than me, I could make that up with my many pairs of heels.

“Zack being broody.” Cassie’s voice was louder this time. I kicked her foot and glared, seeing Zack look over to us and listen intently.

“It’s because he has that special birthday coming up,” teased Guy, even louder. “He’s probably feeling old.” Zack would be turning thirty in the new year, and it wasn’t a milestone he was particularly enamoured with. I was sure I’d be the same when it was my turn.

Zack wandered over with Emilia sat on his shoulders and Ruby holding his hand like they were best friends for life. “Why are we talking about something that’s ages away?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Blame these two!” I exclaimed. “I’m just going to get our things from upstairs.”

I’d left the carrier bag from the supermarket on the bed earlier. I grabbed it to put in the bin, but a piece of paper fluttered out and landed on the carpet. I reached for it, assuming it was a receipt, but could see longer words printed on it. I sat down on the bed, wiped the back of my neck which was clammy from the heat, and began to read.

It was almost beautiful fate

but we were in the wrong place,

the wrong time, the wrong state

My eyes watered up. It was beautiful. I wondered if someone had mislaid it at the shop? Or was it a promotional flyer? There wasn’t anything else on the paper. I wondered if I should take it back to the shop, but there were hundreds of people in and out, it could belong to anyone.

It was too poetic to throw away. I tucked it into my handbag with a smile. It made me happy to know people loved with such passion and intensity.

Half an hour later we drove the short distance to my mum and dad’s house. I reached over to stroke Zack’s hand as he gripped the leather steering wheel.

“Ruby and Emilia are besotted with you.” I teased.

“All the girls are.” he shrugged. “Why does this surprise you?”

“Cassie reckons you’re super broody and want to impregnate me as soon as possible.” I said it casually, but I did want to know his actual opinion on this. We’d skirted around the issue before everything had changed .

“And what do you think?”

“I don’t know. For someone I know so well, you’re still a bit of a mystery at times.” I admitted.

Zack glanced over at me as we waited at a busy set of traffic lights. “ I’m a mystery?” he laughed. “You want to try figuring you out.”

As the cars began to move forward, I was fully aware that the question hadn’t been answered. He parked on my parents’ driveway, took my hand and placed a single, soft kiss to my lips.

“Right, let me get every issue that’s floating around addressed before we go inside. Yes, turning thirty sounds hideous and old but… I’m with you, so I don’t care. Wouldn’t care how old I was as long as we were together.” He stroked my cheek. “As for babies… you know I want us to have babies. Not right now though. For now I need to concentrate on making sure you’re OK. We’ll know when the time is right.”

“I love you. Thank you.” I smiled as my fingers ran through that luscious hair. They seemed to travel there of their own accord.

“Anytime, but we’d better go in because your dad’s watching us through the window, and he always get twitchy when I kiss you.” Zack’s eyes flashed dark with mischief. “And I really, really want to kiss you.”

“Ha! You’ll be the same with your baby girls if boys try to kiss them.” I teased as we headed to the front door, hand in hand .

Mum had cooked beautiful roast beef for us but in an absolute disaster, with the potential to destroy a perfectly happy Sunday, the wonderful, homemade gravy had been spilled all over the floor. Zack and my dad were busy on mop-up duty, so I offered to nip out and solve the great gravy crisis. I knew what I was going to do as soon as I offered. I knew it was stupid, but I was doing it anyway. Since when had stupidity stopped me?

After I bought a tub of instant gravy, and a bunch of flowers to say thank you for the meal, I drove a different route back. I parked the car on the opposite side of the road, further back from Luke’s house and turned the engine off. I felt like an absolute stalker. I just wanted to see it, his home. Luke’s car wasn’t even there; he wasn’t in, not that I would have gone near him if he had been, for his sake as much as mine. I knew that house as if it were my own, and now, I’d never go back inside. This is ridiculous, Lily. I rubbed my hands over my face, closed my eyes for a second, then started the engine and headed back to Zack and my parents, a dull ache in the pit of my stomach.

When Zack and I finally got home later that evening it felt as if we’d been gone for weeks, rather than since Friday .

“I can’t believe it’s work tomorrow; I’m worn out.” I flopped my head down onto Zack’s chest.

“I think next weekend we should just hibernate in here together. We need a bit of quiet time.” He kissed the top of my head.

“That’s the best plan I’ve heard in ages. Do you mind if I go straight up to bed now, though?”

“Do you mind if I come with you?” he asked, his voice low with enquiry.

“I was counting on it…”