1. One

One

Why had it seemed a good idea to come to the zoo on the hottest day of the year, slap bang in the middle of the school holidays? My nerves were frayed from making sure Ruby and Emilia didn’t get lost or dangle over the Black Bear enclosure. Hundreds of people milled around, as if without a care in the world, oblivious to being completely in the way. I felt a little irrational, my arms and legs unable to keep still between the cloying heat and my anxiety. Being responsible for two children for a full weekend was far more stressful than anyone had warned me. Cassie was far from a helicopter parent, but she seemed to take all of this in her stride.

I smiled with relief as I spotted Zack making his way over, three ice-cream cones balanced in his hands, rivulets of melting flavours already dripping down the sides. I had no idea how he looked so composed - I was a red, freckly, sweaty mess, yet Zack didn’t even have one dark hair out of place. The girls ran to get their treats and I pointed them towards a shady patch under a large tree. Thank god I’d remembered sunscreen, it was as though the summer knew how stressed I was and wanted to add to it with August temperatures in excess of thirty degrees.

Zack took a seat on a wooden bench carved with beautiful animal figures, about a meter away from where the girls played. The two of them were caught up in comparison of whose ice cream was the biggest and which sprinkles were superior. He patted the seat next to him and I lowered myself down with a weary sigh. The wood blistered with heat on the bare skin below my shorts.

He held his ice cream out with a grin. “Want a lick?”

I surveyed it, and him, with caution. “What flavour is it?”

“Cookies and cream on top, salted caramel underneath. You can even have my flake if you like?”

The flake had begun to wilt, the intensity of the sun taking no prisoners. Nausea rolled over me. “You have it. Unless they have a wine stand hidden around here, I’m fine.” My eyes darted back to the girls to make sure they hadn’t moved.

Zack took my hand in his. “They’re safe, they’re having a great time. Everyone is having a great time. Please relax.” He shrugged as he slurped at the ice cream, and for the first time, I found it irritating rather than endearing.

“I just want to keep them safe, it’s more stressful when they’re someone else’s children. More pressure.” I tried to explain.

“Interesting.” Zack ran a cold finger down my arm. “So, if one day we come back here with our children, you might relax?”

Ruby and Emilia now had their arms linked together, like a couple with champagne at a wedding as they tasted each other’s melting treats. They had matching bouncy curls, and I could see sticky ice cream caught in the ends. I couldn’t help but grin at them, but I think Zack thought the gesture was aimed at him. I may have been doing a good job of pretending all was fine, but inside I felt far from it.

It had only been three weeks since it happened. Three weeks since the email from Luke. In fact, tomorrow at about eleven forty in the morning, that would be exactly three weeks since he stepped away from my life. My eyes betrayed me with tears even as I thought about it. Thank god for Ray Bans hey, Lily?

It was two weeks since I’d gone to Cassie’s to collect my things, then hidden the Gucci shoe box at the back of my wardrobe. I’d sworn to myself that day that I wouldn’t hurt Zack anymore. Day by day I’d been teaching myself to put all the events that had happened into a back room in my brain, a place I didn’t have to visit often. That way it didn’t have to be a sharp, immobilising pain, more of a dull ache and sting that plagued me when I least expected. I could barely think Luke’s name, it almost didn’t feel real already.

“Lily?” Zack watched me.

“Sorry! I was in a daydream. Just wondering if we would have girls or boys.” It sickened me how I lied with ease. I didn’t used to be dishonest. But I was doing it for him, that’s what I told myself. If I kept carrying on like everything was fine, it would be.

Zack pulled me close and kissed the top of my head. “Did I tell you how much I love the zoo?” His animated smile reminded me of an excited schoolboy on a class trip.

“I think everyone here knows how much you love the zoo, Zachary…” I let his name play out on my lips longer than necessary as I slid my sunglasses up into my hair, and his deep, intense eyes met mine. I’d always loved the fact our eyes were almost the exact same shade of deep, chocolate brown. “You’ve been running around faster than the kids.”

He whispered into my ear as I continued to watch the girls. “You know how it makes me feel when I get the full title.”

“I don’t know what you mean.” I leant forwards on the bench and ran my hands up the salty heat on the back of my neck, up into my dark ponytail, damp with sweat against my skin .

“What time do they go to bed again?” asked Zack as he motioned towards the girls with a smile.

I stood up, my hand gently pressing his knee in a squeeze. “Come on, they want to see the sea lion show.”

After being fleeced at the gift shop, we headed home and ate pasta in the leafy shade of the back garden. Bedtime was thankfully brief; the girls were exhausted from the long day and the heat. Zack and I sank into the huge U-shaped sofa that dominated Cassie’s expensive but homey living room. Two tall fans whirred, the cold air they blasted at us a welcome relief. The August evening grew stickier and clammier by the minute.

“I love them, but they’re exhausting.” said Zack as his eyes closed with a flicker of thick eyelashes.

“They definitely are.” I agreed as I sipped the cold, sharp wine. Cassie had told us to take whatever we wanted from the wine fridge- my life needed a wine fridge. I made a mental note that if Zack and I ever moved, it was a must have.

“They’re asleep now, though. It’s just you and me in this incredible house. What could possibly go wrong?” Zack turned his face towards me, his eyes intense as they focused on mine.

When Zack looked at me that way it set off feelings and sensations that I wasn’t ready for. My body always reacted to him, but my mind was a little more guarded. I thought back - it was approaching four weeks since we’d had sex, which was unheard of for us. Four nights was pretty much unheard of to be fair, until now. The distance hung between us like a block.

Zack and I had been ‘on a break’, then I was with Luke. I hadn’t been ready for intimacy since returning home. My body remembered that Luke was the last person who kissed it, touched it, loved it. It scared me to let Zack overwrite that. It seemed too final; I wasn’t ready for Luke’s touch to leave me… But maybe now had to be the time? How else could I make a go of things?

Zack had broached the subject a couple of nights back and I’d clammed up. It was typical of him to be patient and understanding, to put me first and wait until I was ready, but perhaps that meant we ignored the problem. Luke wouldn’t have done that; Luke would have just grabbed me and —

“Lily?”

As I met Zack’s eyes, they flicked back and forth between my own, under scrunched-up eyebrows. “Sorry, I feel rubbish from the heat. What is it with this country? Either boiling or freezing?”

Zack smiled and shuffled closer along the plush material. “I know. Guess it’s too much to consider the hot tub?”

“It’s way too hot. I love that tub in winter, when you have to jump out and leg it across the grass into the house before you freeze, but not in this weather.” My mouth broke into a natural smile as I recalled Cassie and I doing this on many occasions, not just me and Cassie… “Maybe we could stick our heads back in the wine fridge for half an hour?”

He took a deep breath and reached for my hand, his fingers wrapped around mine. “I thought maybe we could just go to bed? Been a while since we had an early night.”

My eyes darted between his. I remained drawn to him, I loved Zack from the bottom of my soul. Yet I was also going through deeper grief than I could have imagined. I loved Luke every bit as much as I loved Zack, and he was gone. My love was gone. My best friend was gone.

“We need to get back to us, Lily.”

I pressed a soft kiss to his lips, my eyes closed, as the taste of the wine mingled between our mouths. “I know.”

He stood and took my hand, pulling me from the deep, squishy couch. “Come with me.”

Zack smiled as he led me across the sumptuous grey carpet, up the wide staircase and into our room. The spare bedroom at Cassie and Guy’s felt as big as the whole downstairs of our house, with its own en-suite, super king size bed and built-in wardrobes with matching shoe racks.

Zack closed the door behind us with a soft touch. The lights were out, but the high-summer sun hadn’t yet set, it filled the room with a deep orange light which filtered through the wooden shutters. He ran his hand across the exposed skin of my stomach and around to my back, before lifting my cropped white t-shirt over my head. His mouth dipped to my neck and kissed at every crevice as his fingers deftly unfastened my bra and pulled it loose, letting it drop to the floor.

“This is a look I like on you.” His eyes flashed with desire as he took a step back. They roamed up my bare legs to the cut off denim shorts on my thighs, and the naked skin above. “May I?” he asked, as he reached behind me and ran his fingers amongst my long ponytail. I nodded, and he pulled the band down the length of it, his eyes never left mine. A shiver ran through me as my chestnut brown hair tickled against my back. Zack continued to watch me, my nerves were on edge, and not in a good way. My body ached for him, but my mind wouldn’t relax.

His fingers gracefully undid the button on my shorts, teasing at the warm skin of my stomach. “You look insanely inviting, you know that?” I shrugged and tried to smile; I felt exposed and shy rather than sexy. There was a moment of silence that lasted just a little too long. “Am I undressing myself today then?” It was an innocent enough question, but I detected a note of irritation behind it. Had he sensed that I wasn’t one hundred per cent with him on this? Snap out of it, Lily!

“Zachary…” I purred into his ear. “Are you feeling neglected? Need me to help?” I tugged his t-shirt over hi s head and unfastened his jeans as he picked me up and carried me to the oversized bed. He dropped me down onto the softness of the mattress as he let his jeans slide to the floor. His head ducked down between my thighs, as expert fingers slid my underwear out of the way, giving him access to what he wanted.

“I need to check if you were careful, you know, while…” He didn’t need to finish the sentence.

“Yes. How about you?” My throat hurt with the pressure of held back emotions as I asked. Images of how he must have been with her flashed through my mind. I wonder what they were like together?

“Of course. Sorry, I just needed to check.”

Could this be any more awkward? Also… that last time didn’t count. I wasn’t lying to him, I tried to convince myself. That last time… My eyes stung as I tried to keep the memory at bay.

I lay on the bed, staring up at Cassie’s ceiling. Zack was doing everything right. He’d always turned me into a quivering wreck for him in the past, but tears ran from the corners of my eyes as I felt nothing. My mind was not going to allow me this.

I rubbed my head from side to side on the soft black sheets, letting them soak my tell-tale tears away. “Zack, sorry, it’s just too hot in here. I feel gross.” I pulled at him, urging his face up towards mine. His lips were pressed together as his eyes ran over my face, searching for a clue. He opened his mouth to speak but I knew I wouldn’t have an answer, instead I pressed my lips to his in distraction. I kissed him like the night we were at the wedding, when I was desperate to touch him, drowning in desire to know him. I felt his mouth against mine, trying to move and speak to me, but I didn’t want him to say a word.

My fingers tangled into his dark hair as I kissed him with every ounce of lust I could summon. The nails of my free hand slid down the soft, supple skin of his back with rough pressure. He tensed as I opened a small scratch below his shoulder, then he fell into the moment.

He pressed me down into the bed as our kissing continued to increase in speed and pressure. The dark smattering of stubble from his chin scratched at mine; that little bit of physical discomfort somehow made this easier. I needed to forget the emotions of everything that had happened in the past year. Zack was always so caring, thoughtful and selfless; right now, though, I wanted him to overpower me. It could relieve the ache in my mind for a short time at least. I wanted him to go crazy, do anything and everything he wanted, like Luke would have…

Luke’s face and a myriad of memories dropped into my mind in a flash. I shook my head to force them out, accidentally breaking the kiss as I did so.

“Are you OK?” Zack’s mouth was millimetres from mine as he spoke, his entire body pressed hard against me. The room was like an inferno and as I looked at Zack, a drop of sweat fell from his forehead down onto my lip. I flicked my tongue across it and dug my nails into the skin above his hips as I nodded in reply.

“You don’t always have to ask, you know?” My left hand began to play with that thick, soft hair of his; I couldn’t resist it. Nausea hit me again as I thought of other girls with their hands in it. Why did I feel territorial about his hair of all things?

“What do you mean?” Zack placed a gentle kiss to the tip of my nose, and I felt the love in his action; it made my stomach twinge.

“Sometimes, maybe you should just do whatever it is you want to do to me. Sometimes a woman wants to be loved and held and put first. Other times, perhaps she just wants you to lose yourself in her, claim whatever you want?”

“Are you this woman, or are we talking theoretically? I’m a bit confused now. I was doing what I wanted, and you told me to stop?” His eyebrows knitted together. “Pretty mixed signals going on here.”

“I’m sorry.” I let go and put my hands at my sides. “You always put me first. Maybe you should put yourself first; I guess that’s all I meant. There’s no need to be gentle.”

“I put you first because I love you.” He began to pull away, but I grabbed at his arm. The tautness of his muscle so strong as he held himself up above me.

“I think me trying to act all sexy just went a bit wrong. I’m definitely not a natural.” I pouted, seeing his face soften at my words. “It’s been a while. If you had certain things on your mind then I’m all yours. That’s what I meant.”

All at once, he overtook every part of me; his fingers in my hair, his tongue in my mouth, his body on top of mine. It almost felt too much, yet absolutely what I needed, what I wanted. With one hand he pinned my wrists down on my stomach as he returned to where he had wanted to begin all along. This time I just went with it. I didn’t think about where I was or who I was with, I just lived in the moment, and, conversely, that gave him what he wanted too.

Zack stopped and pulled me onto him. We were both covered in sweat and the smell of each other now, as he pushed into me roughly. His hands held my shoulders down as his teeth grazed my neck. I couldn’t think; this was heaven for my troubled mind which had had so little respite.

“Please don’t stop.” I whispered, knowing he never would.