16. Sixteen

Sixteen

Cassie hugged me; her hands rubbed my back in circular motions, I held on tight before eventually pulling back, at which point she headed to the car with the last bag. “Take all the time you need, sweetheart,” she said fondly as she looked around, saying her own goodbye to what had been such a happy home.

I looked at the marks on the walls where our photographs had been removed. I looked down at the coffee table, bare except for my keys and my engagement ring. I felt like I should leave a note, but what would it say? What could it say?

I’d tried to explain over and over; Zack wasn’t interested. He couldn’t see past his jealousy and anger, and this time, it didn’t seem to be fading away.

I closed the front door and paused for a moment, assaulted by happy memories which now, sadly, caused brutal pain.

Zack may have been right that it was Luke’s email that had chosen this life for me, but… I loved this life, I loved Zack. I wanted our future. It was gone; everything good was gone.

Cassie stroked stray tears from my cheeks as I slumped down into the leather seats of her car.

“I’m sorry, Lily.”

“I wish you’d never introduced us. I can’t cope with this.” I was heartbroken, not only for losing Zack, but for losing his family, his friends, the life we’d mapped out. I had to learn to grieve for a future that hadn’t even happened yet. I guessed it was similar to Cassie, grieving for babies she hadn’t had the opportunity to carry. Which made me think…

“Cassie, I’m going to do the egg donation. I’ll ring them on Monday,” I said.

“Hey, now’s not the time to make a decision like that.” Cassie’s eyes flicked up and down my face, trying to gauge my mood.

“It is, though, I was going to do it for you. He said no. Now he’s gone, so it’s a yes.” I went to spin my engagement ring around on my finger. The realisation that it was gone hit me harder than ever, it was one more habit to break.

“Are you going to tell Luke about you and Zack?” Cassie asked, shying away from me slightly .

I shook my head. “That would just confirm what Zack thought of me, wouldn’t it? Luke and I… That chance passed.” My whole body hurt. “He’s been through so much himself, and I can’t set him back again now he’s moved on. Plus, it’s Zack I want.”

“And what if Luke would want to know? It’s not just about you; you forget that I’ve lived this whole drama twice, heard it from both sides.”

“Cassie, I don’t want him to know. Just leave him be.”

She glanced at me without a reply. We drove back to the mini mansion in silence, carrying all the boxes and bags into the granny flat when we arrived.

“You can stay in the house, you know? You don’t have to stay out here,” Cassie said.

“I like it out here,” I smiled, even though I felt sad. “Happy memories, I guess.”

She opened her mouth to speak, but I glared at her. “You want eggs, you keep quiet.” She laughed, then left me to my own devices.

The weekend felt torturous and long, as though I was waiting for a monumental event to happen, except it wasn’t going to. I had nothing to fill the next week. No job, no partner, no plan.

I played with Ruby and Emilia, smiled and tried to think of reasons to explain why Zack wasn’t there. I helped Cassie and Guy with cooking and childcare, but I had no actual purpose here. They all went to bed, happy and loved at night. I lay in the granny flat and sobbed with despair after once again consuming far too much wine.

Just as I’d got used to missing Luke, I now had a Zack-shaped hole to contend with too. The burden of the two dragged me down in ways I’d never known before.

I rang Cassie’s clinic early on Monday morning. I guess it’s true that money talks. With her being a private patient, they agreed to see me within a couple of days for the initial health checks to clarify I was suitable.

That part was easy; I was the right age, the right weight, had no dubious medical history. The physical examination was fine, and I knew the blood and swab tests they took would all return OK. They then told me, however, that I needed to have a counselling appointment to ensure I was ready for the emotional side of this.

And that’s how I found myself seated in a comfortable armchair as I smiled at a kind looking lady with very large glasses and curly black hair. I focused on trying to stop myself from fidgeting, foot tapping, coughing, or any other little tells that may give away my stress about this situation.

“Lily, thank you for coming today. My name is Wendy. This is just an informal session to assess if you are ready for the next steps of the egg donation process. Are you happy to proceed?” she asked.

I nodded like an over enthusiastic puppy, just wanting to get to the point where I got to help Cassie already.

“Do you have a partner, Lily?”

A sharp pain bolted through my stomach, but I ignored it. I smiled at her, forever the actress it would seem. “No, I’m single, and I have no plans to have children myself.”

Wendy made notes in her book as she listened to me. “And your parents, siblings? How do they feel about the donation?”

“I’m an only child. Cassie, the friend I want to donate eggs to, is the closest to a sister I will ever have. My parents adore her. They understand this and are happy to support my decisions.” No need to mention the fact I hadn’t told them, right?

“If a child was born out of this process, they’d meet them?” she asked.

“Yes, but they wouldn’t be an everyday part of their lives.”

“So,” she continued. “How would you feel if the egg donation led to your friend conceiving a baby?”

“I’d be absolutely over the moon. She’s the best mum in the world. Her little girls are amazing. She was devastated to find out she couldn’t have more children naturally. I’m moving away soon. I wouldn’t impact their lives, I just want to know I helped her. If this led to her having a baby, that would be the very best outcome in the world.” Why had said I was moving away? I didn’t know where that had come from, but it had set ideas racing in my mind.

Wendy smiled as she scribbled everything down in her black notepad. “You understand that the child could contact you in the future?”

I nodded. “I have no issues at all with that. Cassie will be in my life forever. I would be there for all of her children, regardless of their origins.”

The session continued. I was desperate to give the right answers, but Wendy was hard to read. As the appointment drew to a close, she shook me by the hand.

“A doctor will call you within a couple of days of receiving my report to discuss whether or not we are able to proceed.”

“Thank you. It was lovely to meet you.” I flashed my best, most confident smile. I was a single, successful woman who just wanted to help her best friend. That’s all they needed to know.

That had taken it out of me, though, I needed a drink. I’d needed multiple drinks every day since Spain, but I wasn’t going to worry about that right now. I’d be OK once I got through this stage, I was sure.

I jumped into a taxi and headed back to the granny flat. I knew I had no money after what was left in my account had gone, but I didn’t care. Everything except Zack seemed meaningless to me. I changed into a short, black dress and re-did my hair and make-up. It was late afternoon, that was close enough to evening to justify this. I finished the outfit with heeled, black, ankle boots and headed to a bar in the town center. It was usually frequented by students. I knew they’d be partying at any time; that’s what I needed - shots, dancing, just forget it all.

I didn’t even care that I received odd glances as I walked in. So what if I was ten years older than them all and not in jeans and converse, which seemed to be the uniform of choice. I ordered a large sauvignon blanc and two shots of vodka, which I downed before I took a seat on a bar stool and cradled my precious wine while I surveyed the room.

A band were setting up over in the corner; this meant good potential for dancing. My body was restless, I just wanted to do something invigorating and fun. What I needed, in all honesty, was one of those carefree nights with Luke. I closed my eyes as if to stop the thought in its tracks before it could invade my mind any deeper.

It reminded me of our college days when Cassie and I would watch bands and dance until late every weekend. They were a four-piece group, all piercings and black hair and moody guyliner… why had nobody told me eyeliner looked so sexy on men? They were pretty good; I definitely wanted to dance.

I downed the wine- aware it was not wise to leave a drink unattended in a bar like this one- and headed to the small dance floor in the corner of the club, which was getting pretty crowded already. It was hot over here; I liked it. My head was fuzzy, my vision slow and lazy, and it was nice having all these warm bodies around me. I closed my eyes as I threw myself into the dance, letting the lyrics about love, heartbreak and everything in between wash over me.

Just as the band announced this was their last song, I felt sweaty hands take hold of my hips from behind and a mouth press up against my ear.

“You look hot,” said a mystery voice. Ugh, his lips were slimy and much too close. I stepped forwards, trying to move out of his hands before I turned around. He was your atypical, posh, pretty boy, blond university student who had probably slept with half the campus in the first term. He moved closer as I stepped away, his hands back on my waist but from the front now. “You obviously wanted someone to do this, the way you’ve been dancing.” His hands slid down and around towards my bottom.

I stepped back again and looked around me, everyone was still dancing and oblivious to his wandering hands. “Sorry, I think you got the wrong impression. I was enjoying the music, that was all. ”

He moved forwards, and I realised I couldn’t step back farther as I’d neared the wall. He smirked as he leaned in and ran his fingers through the ends of my hair. What was it with me and bars and creepy guys?! I shook my head, trying to get him, literally, out of my hair, but he moved in anyway and planted his mouth against mine. I turned my face to the side; his wet lips smeared over my cheek. “Stop,” I said. “I’m not interested.”

He did stop, although he still leaned over me. “Come on, nobody comes to a place like this dressed like that unless they’re after exactly what I have for you.” He swooped back in, and this time, got me on the mouth, wasting no time as his tongue wrapped around mine. I wanted to heave. I tried to push him away, but the way I was against the wall made it a struggle. It was as though I couldn’t breathe, and just as panic began to overtake me, I was free.

Almost in slow motion, I saw that a guitarist had jumped down from the small stage area, grabbed ‘Mr Wandering Hands and Tongue’ off me. I winced as I heard the sound of his fist connect with the guy’s nose, an even worse noise than me slapping Anna had been.

“She said no, I could hear that from up there, so what was your problem?” the guitarist shouted at him. The room seemed echoey now that the band had stopped playing.

“What the fuck have you done to my nose?” he shouted back. “You wanker, she loved it. What’s your problem?” His friend handed him a wad of tissue for his nose. An older guy - I guessed he was the manager - rushed around from the other side of the bar.

Band guy, as I had nicknamed him, looked at me with kind eyes. Kind eyes that looked insanely sexy rimmed by that eyeliner. “Let’s ask the lady, shall we?” The question was aired to everyone watching, in an almost theatrical fashion, before he focused on me again. “Did you want this… I use the term loosely… man to kiss you?”

I shook my head and wiped my mouth and cheek, which still felt damp and sloppy from his unwanted attentions.

“There we go then! Mark…” He looked over at the guy I assumed was the manager. “Can we kick this guy out for harassing the lovely lady, please?” I realised I’d been holding my breath as band guy took hold of my shaky hand. “Come with me, we’ll get you a drink.”

He led me to a small table round the side of the bar. “I’ll be right back.” True to his word, he returned a couple of minutes later with a large glass of wine and a tumbler of what looked like straight vodka.

“Thank you,” I said with a shy smile. “For the drink and the rescue. Think it ruined your last song, didn’t it?”

He grinned, and, oh my word, his face was beautiful - angular and elegant, almost elven. “Don’t worry about that. I’d clocked him a couple of songs back, could see what he was up to. Was obviously not a nice bloke, he’d been watching you.”

“How did you manage to notice him, watching me, while you were playing?” I asked, genuinely confused.

“Because I couldn’t keep my eyes off you the whole time.” My cheeks burned hot, I’d never been good at compliments. “Sorry!” He let out a small laugh. “I didn’t mean to embarrass you. You’re not the average girl we see in these places.”

“It’s because I left my converse at home, isn’t it?” I replied with a smile. I liked him. Not a hint of sleaze about him, unlike the other guy. As far as knights in shining armour went, he was pretty hot, in a different way to my usual type. “I’m Lily, by the way.”

“Elijah,” he replied. His dark eyes were intense with the eyeliner and the black, scruffy hair. I took a big gulp of my wine self-consciously as I found myself concentrating on his mouth. “Want to get some fresh air? Go for a walk?” He bit his bottom lip as he waited for my response; it made me want to bite it too, his lips were so full.

For a moment, my mind said no. My sensible, Lily mind. But… Where had that got me? Precisely nowhere. So, before I could overthink, I put my glass down, looked Elijah in the eyes and said, “Yes.”

He raised a hand to the rest of the band who were now packing up, they didn’t seem too bothered. I noticed the black, swirling lines of ink travelling down his neck, back, and shoulders as I followed behind him. Maybe I should have been looking for rock band guys and NOT lawyers…

“You don’t mind leaving do you?” he asked. “I always need quiet time after a show, my head gets so full.”

“I don’t mind at all. I need coffee, my head is spinning.” I thought for a moment; there was nowhere quiet around here. Nowhere except… “My place is only a few minutes away, if you wanted to have a drink there? As quiet as you like.”

Almost imperceptibly, his smile twitched at one side. “I’d love that. As long as it’s OK with you? I’m not going to be like that other guy, just in case you were worried.”

“Even if I ask nicely?” I asked with an innocent face as we began to walk. The dirtiest little scenarios were playing out in my mind, I’d never had a one night stand, maybe it was exactly what I needed.

We headed towards Cassie’s house; I hastily explained it wasn’t mine. As if I could afford a place like that, I didn’t even know how I’d pay my phone contract next month. We talked about the band and the bar on the way back. I stayed well away from any conversations about me and my situation. I turned to him as we approached the gates to the long driveway of the mini mansion .

“Can you run?” I asked as I took my boots off and held them in one hand.

His face was bemused, and cute. “Yeah… Where we running to?”

“The back garden, before my friend sees me and wants to make you a cup of tea,” I grinned. Elijah grabbed my hand, and before I knew what was happening, we were running and laughing as if we were kids at sports day, having the best time ever.

I’d left the door unlocked so we ran straight inside, both full of laughter despite me trying to shush him to keep quiet. I put one hand on my stomach, where a stitch had crept in, and pressed a finger against his lips. “Shhh.” I couldn’t stop laughing. “Why is this so funny?”

He ran his tongue up the finger that was pressed against his soft lips, it woke up the sleeping butterflies from my stomach. I pulled my hand away as I blew my hair from my face. “I have no idea,” he said as he pulled me close. Guys in bands… why had nobody ever told me? His hand pulled at the hair at the base of my skull as he kissed me. There was no slow warm up here, this was absolute rock star kissing. His mouth felt incredible; his tongue fit perfectly against mine as I returned the kiss. I’d never done anything like this before. Maybe this was what I should’ve been doing. Not sitting around being lonely, followed by switching between two loves in such a painful way. I just should’ve been out meeting people like him, doing things like this...

His fingers were rough and coarse as he ran them down my arm, I guessed from the guitar strings. I slid my hands inside his t-shirt, his skin still damp from the gig and the run. My mouth moved down his neck and across his shoulder, I loved the salty taste of him. He felt decadent and wrong and yet so, so right.

“You sure this is OK?” he asked as he yanked my dress higher up my legs.

“Abso-fucking-lutely.” I removed my hands from him as I tugged the dress over my head and threw it to the corner of the room. He focused on my body as he launched his t-shirt in the same direction.

“I’m sorry I’m kinda gross from the gig,” he whispered in my ear as his hands circled my lower back.

I unfastened his skinny, black jeans. “I like you like this, you taste good. Your eyeliner is sexy, by the way.”

“So is yours.” He bit my neck, just a touch too hard, it caused me to suck in a deep breath as a delicious bolt of lightning shot between my legs. “Stop.” He grabbed my wrist as I went to tug his jeans down, and my stomach dropped. I felt ridiculous, foolish that maybe he didn’t want this.

“Sorry, I?—”

He cut me off with one more fiery kiss as he reached into his back pocket. “Don’t say sorry. I just wanted this.” He held up his wallet and threw it onto the bed. “ Might need it in a minute.” He went to kiss me again, but I pulled back, confused.

“Did I… um… you know I’m not a prostitute, right?” A hot flush crept across me, I was mortified.

He laughed and wrapped his arms around me in a hug, an actual lovely hug; it felt good, I missed manly hugs. “I never thought that! It has condoms in it, that’s all.”

“Fuck. Sorry, I look like a right idiot now, don’t I?” I buried my head in his shoulder, seeking comfort from warm skin.

“Nah.” He kissed along my bare neck as rushed hands unfastened my bra. “You’re the sweetest, hot girl I ever met. Anyway… did you just say fuck? Shall we?” He pulled my face towards his, his mouth was back on mine in a split second. We were in those delicious moments where kisses were hot, hands were everywhere, steps were being taken towards the bed. Before I knew what was happening, I was on my back, and he was on top of me, every single glorious inch of him on top of me. His skin was hot and sticky under my fingers as I pulled him in.

With one hand, I reached out for his wallet and passed it to him, my lips smiling against his. I’d never been naked with a total stranger before, especially a sexy rock band stranger, this was insanely hot.

“Lily! What the actual!” Cassie shrieked. I sat bolt upright, and as I did so, my forehead crashed into Elijah’s with a thunk.

“Ow!” I rubbed the sore spot where we’d just collided as I looked over at Cassie, her hands on her hips in a furious pose. Elijah was looking at her too, but hadn’t moved from his position on top of me. All of a sudden, this felt as sleazy and awkward as it must have looked.

“Who’s your friend, Lily?” Cassie asked, the tone behind her voice stern and full of disapproval.

“Elijah…” I replied as my soul died a little.

“Hi.” In a confident move, he raised his hand in a little wave. He obviously wasn’t bothered about the interruption, and he also seemed to have no intention of moving.

“Can I please speak to you in private for a moment?” Cassie asked in her best schoolteacher voice. She stepped outside and closed the door behind her.

Elijah resumed his attentions, his lips moved down the center of my chest. “I have to go talk to her, sorry, I…” I blew out a long breath. God, but his lips felt nice. “Give me two minutes.” I wriggled from under him, grabbed my dressing gown from the end of the bed, and pulled it on before heading outside to Cassie.

Her arms were folded tight across her chest as she leant against a large tree in the garden.

“Who the hell is Elijah?!” she hissed at me as I approached .

“I met him in a bar. What’s the problem?”

“The problem is that you’re staying with me, bringing random blokes back. The kids could’ve walked in. This isn’t you… You don’t do random sex, Lily.”

“Well maybe I felt like trying something new,” I said defiantly. “Anyway, it isn’t blokes plural, it’s one bloke.”

“This isn’t going to get you over Zack, you know? How much have you had to drink?” She leant forward and sniffed me.

“Cassie, what’s your problem? If I want to get drunk and screw a guy, I will. Don’t take over from Zack and tell me what I can and can’t do.” I’d raised my voice without realising, and she returned the pitch.

“I’m trying to stop you making a mistake. You know full well you could call Luke right now, and he’d be here declaring his undying love for you again within minutes.”

“Don’t!” I yelled. “I don’t want him. You know I want Zack!”

Before she could reply, we heard a loud cough behind us. I turned and saw Elijah buttoning up his jeans. “Erm… I’m going to head back to the band.”

I stuck my bottom lip out in a sulk, annoyed at Cassie and her interference. “Sorry,” I mouthed towards him, trying to portray my disappointment as he meandered out of the garden, his arse still looking incredible in the skinny jeans .

I glared at Cassie before I stalked back inside the granny flat. “Thank you SO much!” I yelled before I slammed the door as hard as I could and made sure to lock it from the inside. If only I’d thought to lock it earlier.

One more sleepless night began, my head full of heartbreak, shattered dreams, and the same names spinning around and around inside my thoughts. And to make it worse, the room now smelt like sexy rock band guy…