15. Fifteen

Fifteen

I found myself resident in the granny flat once more. What would we all do without Cassie’s granny flat? I was completely confused about how a holiday could start with so much love and promise and yet end with absolute devastation; I still couldn’t quite take it all in. A full week passed, yet another week when I rang in sick, and Margaret sounded as though she was at the end of her patience. I knew the case was at a crucial point, and I’d promised I wouldn’t let her down, but I couldn’t function right now, I’d be a hindrance rather than a help.

I’d messaged and called Zack over and over. I switched between begging him to speak to me, then trying to plead with his practicality that the house sale was due to go through imminently, and we needed to sort this out. He didn’t reply, and he didn’t answer calls. I tried to speak to his mum and his sisters, and although they were civil, it was clear they weren’t prepared to get involved and were firmly on his side, which was understandable… I supposed.

The only messages I did get were late at night when I assumed he was drunk. They involved sarcastic snippets of the conversation he’d heard between Luke and I. I couldn’t get through to him that it wasn’t the whole story, and he was throwing us away over an incomplete anecdote somehow recorded by a devious bitch who had it in for us from the start. I remembered the barman on his break who had been sat next to us, it could only have been him. Anna must’ve got him to do her dirty work for her.

Cassie urged me to go back to the house and confront Zack, but I was too scared. I was petrified of how final this all was, and I didn’t want that to be verified by him. I was also torn between utter rage that I was vilified here when I hadn’t done anything wrong, this time at least. I couldn’t eat, sleep, focus on anything properly - in a bittersweet way it reminded me of how I’d been when we fell in love, but was this the opposite?

It got to the point that we were seven days away from contract exchange on the new house, when Zack rang me.

“Hi.” I answered the phone with caution, unsure what to expect.

“I just wanted to let you know I spoke to the solicitors this morning and told them we weren’t going ahead with the house purchase.” His voice was cold, I’d never known him sound like this.

“Zack, why? There’s no need for this.”

“There’s every need. I can’t trust you. What do we have without that?” Zack asked. He spoke to me like I was a client to be questioned, not a person he loved.

“That night, I did everything I should’ve done, I walked away from Luke because I’m engaged to you, because I want you.”

“You didn’t tell me, though.”

“Because I knew you’d get like this, and there wasn’t anything to tell,” I tried again to explain.

“About the engaged thing, you can keep the ring, I’m not bothered. But we’re not engaged anymore, Lily.”

“Can we please met up? Discuss this properly. We can work all of this out, I know we can.”

‘I don’t want to see you… I can’t see you.”

“How can you be so cold?” I sobbed down the phone. He was crushing my heart, my dreams of our future together.

“Don’t you dare even say that! You have no idea the extent to which you’ve fucked up my life. I wish I’d never even got that coffee with you. You’ve destroyed me,” he shouted down the phone, and I winced at the hurt his words caused.

“Zack, I know I screwed up a lot of stuff. You haven’t exactly been a saint either, in case you’ve forgotten. But in this instance, I’ve done nothing wrong, and you’re throwing away our whole future over that.”

“I can’t live our future always thinking that he’s around the corner, always wondering if I was the second choice. That’s the problem, and that’s never going to go away,” Zack said with a sigh. “I’m away all of next week, do you think you could come and take your stuff? I’ll cover all the bills and rent, it’s not a problem. Just leave your key when you go.”

“Seriously?” I asked, choking on the sheer amount of tears that fell away from me.

“Seriously.”

“You’re not the person I thought you were, Zack. Not even close. You’re giving up on me, again.”

I ended the call, not wanting to hear his response, and threw the phone across the room. I’d done the right thing that evening. Yes, I’d spoken to Luke, but I hadn’t kissed him; I hadn’t told him I loved him; I hadn’t betrayed Zack.

I’d let Cassie down for him. I’d tried everything to show him how committed I was- the house, the wedding, the baby plans. I wanted it all so much. I wanted him so much.

I couldn’t believe it was over. His jealousy, his insecurities, that was the problem here. I sighed as the realisation dawned on me, that it was my behaviour which had sent those traits into overdrive. I really had messed him up .

I was cold, empty. Resigned to all this absolute bullshit. I never should have gone on that blind date. I was much better off when I was alone.

I got the train home, if it was still that, a couple of days later. The rented house was already partially packed up as we’d been preparing to move. I’d arranged for Cassie to meet me there the following day and bring all my things back. I guess the granny flat was going to be my permanent lodging for now until I figured out what the hell I was going to do. Standing outside our house, anger burned through me. There was someone who needed to answer for all of this. I opened the front door, threw my overnight bag in, then turned around and headed for the city center.

Ella smiled at me from behind the reception desk as I walked into the lobby of Caddel and Boone. “Lily! I heard you were ill. God, you look awful. Should you be here?” Her face screwed up, not entirely in concern, more like she was worried she would catch ugly from me. I hadn’t worn make-up all week, no point when it all got cried off, and I guess I couldn’t exactly remember the last time I’d done my hair; it must have been in Spain. I was a mess, inside and out.

“I’m not that bad,” I replied, my forehead screwed up tight. “I need something from upstairs, won’t be a minute.”

My hands fisted into balls of rage as I headed up the staircase, heat surged into me, and I wiped my damp forehead nervously, not knowing what I was going to say or do. As I stepped out into the corridor from the stairwell, I heard her shrill laughter from the staff room. That’s when I got a taste of how Zack felt when the anger overtook him.

In that moment, I felt as though I was looking down on myself as I marched in, right up to Anna’s chair. She was concentrating on whatever tale she was sharing, and it made me smile to hear her screech as I grabbed hold of her shiny, blonde ponytail and pulled her up.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” I screamed in her face as she turned to me, her lip quivering in shock, the rest of her face not moving – I wondered how much she spent to look so plastic.

When she realised it was me, a smirk spread across her face. “Let go of me, you psycho. What are you talking about?”

“You know exactly what I mean. Zack’s little birthday present? I know you hate me, but it didn’t occur to you what a shitty thing to do to him that was?”

“Zack needed to know you were tarting around with that lawyer, no matter how hot he was.” Her eyes narrowed as she spoke.

“I didn’t do anything wrong, and you know it. This is just because Zack rejected you, how long ago now?” I looked down at her with as menacing a face as I could muster. I was much taller than her, might as well use it to my advantage.

“As if I would want your used goods. Bet he’s got that barmaid back in his bed right now?—”

My palm slapped across her cheek with a deafening crack before I could stop myself, before she could finish the sentence. My hand then flew to my open mouth as I realised what I’d done. I saw the red sting appear on her cheek, then I looked across the table and saw Margaret watching, wide-eyed and open-mouthed.

I staggered back a couple of steps, horrified at myself. I’d never, ever hit anyone before. Everyone swarmed around Anna to make sure she was OK, everyone except Margaret, who marched to me and took hold of my arm, pulling me with her along the corridor to her office.

“Sit down,” she commanded as she banged the door shut behind us. I did as I was told, shaky and hot. This was definitely like being the headmistress’s office except this time my parents wouldn’t be on their way.

“I don’t know where to begin.” Margaret paced up and down the room. “You’re not even meant to be here, I thought you were sick? Your sickness record is frankly disgraceful anyway and seems to revolve around your love life. You’ve let us down on this case. Then, to top it all off, you assaulted a member of staff. ”

“I’m sorry about that, she hates me; she broke me and Zack up and?—”

Margaret cut me off and held her hand up in front of my face. “We’re not in high school, Lily. Can you listen to yourself?”

I couldn’t hold it in anymore; my head thumped onto the desk as I gave up; tears ran down my cheeks and dripped onto my scruffy t-shirt. I heard Margaret let out a long sigh as she sat opposite me.

“Lily, you fitted in here since day one, not just because of Zack. You’re obviously going through a lot, and I don’t want to add to it, but I have to act on this. It’s gross misconduct. You know what that means?” Her voice had kindness in it as she spoke, but sadly, her intentions were clear.

My forehead bumped on her desk as I nodded and slowly looked up at her through teary eyes. “Do you want me to clear my desk now?”

“I think it’s best. Wait there five minutes, and I’ll come with you, I can still hear Anna screeching. I never said this – but there’s been many times I wanted to slap her myself.”

Margaret pulled the door closed behind her. I reached for a tissue from the box on her desk and clumsily knocked a pile of mail to the floor. It didn’t even look like she’d sorted through it yet. This would normally be my job, but I’d left them in the lurch once again. I quickly picked the mail up, wanting to tidy before she came back, when one letter in particular caught my eye.

Spidery, clumsy handwriting… I knew that writing, I’d seen it all over the documentation lately. He may be amazing at scoring goals, but Kye Maloney’s penmanship was dreadful. It was addressed personally to Anna, marked as strictly private and confidential.

My decision was made in a split second as I slipped it inside my handbag and tidied the stack of letters to look immaculate again. When Margaret walked back in the room, I was still wiping tears away.

I stood and followed her; her hand rested on my shoulder as she opened the door. This small gesture was the kindest she’d ever shown me. Maybe she wasn’t as bad as I thought, I hadn’t exactly been a model employee at times. I avoided eye contact with everyone as I emptied my desk into a cardboard file box. If we’d had security, I had no doubt they would have escorted me out of the building like in some Hollywood movie.

“I’m sorry it came to this,” said Margaret as we waited at the door for the taxi she’d ordered. “I hope the situation resolves itself for you.”

I managed a vague, sad smile as I left her there, before I climbed into the taxi and gave my address. I realized it would be the last time, this wasn’t my home anymore. The driver, thankfully, left me alone as I sat on the back seat and sobbed my heart out.

Twenty-nine, unemployed, living in my friend’s garden, and heartbroken two times over. Fantastic. I was absolutely screwed.

My gulping sobs continued as I walked through the door and remembered every happy time we’d had in here. Zack had already taken our photographs down. I wanted them, but for all I knew, he’d thrown them away or burned them in the garden like in some vengeful chick flick.

I wandered to the kitchen, noting he’d left dirty mugs in the sink. That drove me mad usually, but now… I loved him; What I’d give to be playfully nagging as I washed them.

I opened the fridge and found it bare. He obviously hadn’t shopped since Spain.

I didn’t need food; I had zero appetite, but I did need wine. Serious amounts of wine. I still hadn’t taken my jacket or shoes off so simply turned around and headed straight back out through the front door in the direction of the local shop. I made sure to give my box from the office a good kick in temper as I went.

The winter weather remained cold and bleak, but I put my sunglasses on anyway, not wanting people to see how hollow and red my eyes were. What an absolute mess I was.

I bought two bottles of wine and a pack of pre-mixed gin and tonic cans. That combination probably wouldn’t end well, but I was beyond caring.

I paused outside the shop to check my phone, in the vague hope that someone other than Cassie or my mum actually wanted to speak to me right now. Nope. No messages, no calls, nothing.

However, as I rounded the corner into my street, if I could still call it that, a very familiar car was parked outside.

I attempted to hold the plastic bag close to my side, hoping to stop the bottles clinking together as Lydia stepped out of the car, her face terse as she watched me approach.

“Hi…” I’d say I felt sick, but the nausea was with me constantly, regardless. Any trepidation about receiving a telling off from an angry mother just tumbled into the painful cycle of emotions that swallowed me up on an hourly basis.

“Can we talk?”

A heavy gulp seemed stuck in my throat as I headed up the path, fingers trembling with the key as I slid it into the lock. Lydia took a seat as I flicked the kettle on, hoping that mugs of tea would soothe the situation.

I could barely look at her as I placed the drinks down and took a seat opposite.

“I’ve tried to talk to him, I wanted to meet him, he just won’t have anything to do with me.” I began, my words shaking, my voice alien to me.

“Are you with this Luke?”

“No!” My eyes shot up and met hers. “I don’t want to be, I haven’t spoken to him, I haven’t seen him… Th is is what I’m trying to get through to Zack, that it’s only him I want.”

“One day, if you’re lucky, you’ll know how devastating it is to see your child in so much pain, and not be able to help them.”

“I love him, Lydia. Please believe me, I never meant to hurt him. I was trying to do the right thing, that’s all.”

“Zack logged into the Uber account. For me, it was proof that Luke returned right to the hotel. But Zack’s mind is in such a dark place, he can’t stop all these little intrusive thoughts that you faked that to cover it up. That you spent the night with him.”

“I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t…” I was so cried out that even as I sobbed, it was a dry, painful motion. Even my tear ducts appeared to have given up on me. “I lost my job today, my whole life is a mess, but the only thing I care about is getting Zack back.”

“That’s why I came to talk to you. We both love him, don’t we?”

I nodded, shakily reaching for the tea and raising it to my lips, praying it would soothe just a fraction of my pain. “Tell me what to do…”

“I need you to leave him alone. Every time you text him or reach out, it destroys him inside. I’m worried about him, we all are. I know he’s been sending you unpleasant messages, I’ve told him that’s not acceptable. Please, Lily… Leave my baby boy alone. Let us take care of him. ”

At this point it was Lydia who crumbled into tears, and just as I’d thought I was at rock bottom, the entire floor gave way. How low I’d sunk… The people I’d hurt. I was disgusted with myself.

I sat opposite her, frozen. The most natural thing in the world would have been to dash over and wrap her into a hug. But I couldn’t move, her words were pressing on my mind. She wouldn’t have come here like this unless she was desperate.

“I’ll be gone from here in the morning, all my things will be gone. I won’t contact him again, I promise.”

“I wish things had worked out differently.” she said as she stood, wiping her eyes with a tissue pulled clumsily from her handbag. Her tea was untouched as she headed for the front door.

“I hope he finds someone who deserves him,” I managed to utter, my cheeks soaked with my grief.

Lydia took a deep breath, her eyes closed. “Goodbye, Lily.”

She didn’t look back once, just drove away into the night, to Zack, to her baby boy.

I sloshed an overly-generous serving of pinot grigio into a glass as soon as I was inside. Home - except it wasn’t really my home anymore. How horrible that felt. Familiar walls becoming alien. That contented happy feeling replaced by an urge to pack up and go before more of me was consumed by the negativity. I didn’t honestly feel like there was much of me left at that point. Every time I thought I’d gone as low as I could, another depth appeared. I didn’t know how much more I could take.

I spotted an envelope in the inner pocket of my handbag. The document from Margaret’s office. A hot guilt flushed up my body; I shouldn’t have taken it. I put it down on the coffee table and promised myself I would put it back in the post box tomorrow morning when I left.

Except one glass of wine became two, and insatiable curiosity itched at my fingertips. Doing the right thing hadn’t exactly got me very far in the grand scheme of life, had it? I surveyed the envelope, my eyes switched to my phone occasionally in case anyone messaged me – they didn’t.

Sod this . I grabbed it and carefully opened the sealed edge. A few sheets of paper stapled together, and a micro sim card were inside. The papers seemed to detail text messages from around the time Holly and Kye’s baby would have been born. I recognised Holly’s number right away, but the number for Kye was different to the one I’d seen on all our paperwork.

I tucked my feet up on the couch and began to read as I drank my precious wine.

It’s your baby Kye, I can’t believe you’re questioning me

We were together once; you could have been with a different guy every night that week

But I wasn’t! And I find that very offensive. I’ll get a DNA test as soon as the baby is born. Will just need a cheek swab from you

I’m not interested. I don’t believe you. I’m having trials for Man City soon, you know this, you’re just seeing pound signs

That is not true, and I didn’t know. I just want the baby to know its dad and be secure

Don’t contact me again

Wow, that was brutal of him. This proved he did know about the baby; his counter claim would be wiped out, and he’d be left with the costs. Plus, Holly would almost certainly win the maintenance aspect, so her and the little one would be secure, and Luke would get paid.

I let the papers drop to the floor as I blew out a long sigh and rested my head on the back of the couch. Of all the envelopes to have picked up, maybe this was fate? Kye must have posted this to Anna to be destroyed, something that could ruin her career if found out, it was an absolute abuse of her position, but she was exactly the type of person to cross that line, especially when a millionaire footballer was involved.

I could be in so much trouble for interfering in a legal case, too. But then… what was there to link me to this? No proof at all. It hadn’t been signed for, just sent in the normal post, which was pretty stupid of Kye. Plus, from reading those messages, he was not a nice man; he didn’t deserve to win this case over Holly.

I lay on the sofa, drinking and pondering for a good hour. In all honesty, it was a relief to think about something other than Zack. Before I could change my mind, I printed out the address of Adamson Hughes and stuck it onto a clean envelope – not wanting to risk my handwriting being recognised. Then after locating a couple of screwed up stamps at the bottom of my purse, I sealed the envelope up and traipsed back outside, determined to do this before I changed my mind. Holly deserved this, Luke deserved this, Kye deserved this, and most of all, bloody Anna deserved this. What I’d give to see her face when the whole case fell apart.

I walked back to the corner shop, which had a tall, red post box standing proud outside. I closed my eyes as I let the envelope drop into the post box, sealing one more dubious decision in my life.