14. Fourteen

Fourteen

“Happy birthday, beautiful,” I murmured, still half asleep as I sensed Zack begin to stir. “I don’t know how I’m ever meant to compete with your birthday ABC though.”

“Are you kidding me?” He sat up and leant on his arm. “Arranging all of this? It’s the best birthday. You are going to wander around all day in a tiny bikini, aren’t you?”

I slapped him across the chest playfully. “Maybe if it was just us. I think we had enough awkward moments yesterday, didn’t we?”

“If it was just us, you’d be wearing precisely nothing…” He pulled my t-shirt over my head.

“Erm, Zachary.” He laughed lightly, causing me to grin. The mischievous part of me loved the effect his name had on him. “Happy birthday,” I kissed down his chest, pulling the thin covers over my head as birthday present number one began.

Lydia had arranged a delicious and extravagant birthday breakfast. A huge table was set out by the pool once again. It overflowed with pastries of every variety and fresh fruit platters. One whole section was dedicated to juices and, of course, coffee. Zack was worse than me without caffeine. There were balloons, presents, and cards everywhere. I took hundreds of photographs to capture Zack’s face on this happy day. His smile so wide; those dark eyes so alive as they sparkled with happiness. I loved seeing him in sexy work suits, but the difference now was striking – his whole body was relaxed, a sun-soaked sheen settled on his skin. It very much suited him; we needed time out like this more often.

I sat to one side, helping the kids do some colouring as Zack opened gifts with his sisters. They were such a gorgeous family; I adored each and every one of them. How lucky was I to be accepted by them the way I had been? I felt like a stuck record, but the facts kept hitting me. My upbringing had been lovely, I couldn’t have wished for more, but I had been lonely for company at times. I can’t imagine anyone ever felt that way growing up in the Beaumont household .

Hannah came and sat next to me. “I’m glad you two set a date. It’s a brilliant idea to have the wedding at the new house. What a start to your future.”

“It really is. He’s such a sweetheart. It was all Zack’s idea, I adore it.” I smiled as I looked across at him. My heart fluttered; I hoped that never wore off.

The younger and more energetic members of the family jumped into and out of the pool, the sounds of their splashes and shouts echoing around the beautiful terrace. As soon as we had enough caffeine in us, Zack and I moved onto birthday champagne. He was still opening cards and gifts. There were lots I’d brought from home. He opened a large card that was from everyone at Caddel I knew they still missed him – I was always being asked for updates. There was a generous gift card for his favourite master barber shop, as well as a mysterious USB. “It’s probably a silly birthday message,” he said. “I’ll watch it later.”

Everyone spent the day lazing and playing by the pool, it was heaven. There was also a gorgeous hot tub, which I really wanted to get Zack alone in at some point.

We’d decided to go out together on a date that night, and I’d made reservations at a well-rated restaurant in the nearest town. Taxis were booked, seductive underwear was on, we were good to go.

The heat, however, was not a friend to my hair, I was in frizz meltdown, and as I faffed with straighteners in the bathroom, Zack sat on the bed with his laptop to watch the USB. I don’t know what it was at the moment but he looked incredible, the perfect mix of handsome and rugged, yet completely stylish.

Five minutes later, hair tamed, I tottered back into the bedroom, wanting to impress Zack with my little black dress and very high heels. I hadn’t quite had the chance to get a tan yet, but there was still time.

Zack was still on the bed, but he looked as though the life had been drained out of him. His finger hovered over the laptop keyboard, his skin pale as snow, far from the tan he’d been developing.

“Zack, what’s wrong?” I asked as I hurried over.

He looked at me, his eyes narrowed. “Lily… What the fuck is this?” His finger hit the laptop hard as he clicked on a file.

A fuzzy, muffled sound began to play, the background noise of glasses and bottles clinked, then faded slightly as a voice began to speak. My voice.

“That night, before you left… It felt like we…”

“I know, I know what you mean. I wanted to make it easy on you.”

“It wasn’t easy. I’ve learned to deal with it, Luke, but it’s never been easy. ”

“Zack…” I felt like my knees were about to buckle. “Please stop, I can explain this.” He glared at me and turned the volume up.

“Learned to deal with it with a big diamond?”

“What do you expect me to do? You cut me off, you told me to go be with Zack. I was in absolute bits, I could barely function. It took me weeks to even act semi normal with him. I…”

“I’m sorry. I honestly thought I was doing the best thing for you. I always, only did everything for you, Lily.”

“I know, I know, Luke. You’re too good; that’s part of the problem. I miss you so much, you have no idea.”

“I have every idea. Everywhere I go in my house, I just picture you there. I was thinking about selling it, just to try and get peace in my mind, but part of me can’t stand to.”

“We’re about to get the sweetest bit.” He looked at me as though he hated me, his eyes narrow and stormy. I knew what was coming. I sank to the floor as I listened, I was powerless to stop him, to stop this.

“I can’t go through it again. I still can’t say for sure what I would’ve done that morning if you hadn’t left, if you hadn’t sent that email, but, Luke… I think it wa s going to be you. That night, that night was perfection. Nothing’s ever come close, it never will.”

“You want to explain this?” Zack asked, his eyes still focused on the laptop.

“Was that what was in your birthday card?”

Zack nodded, his eyes glazed with the effort of not crying. “Explain.”

“Anna must’ve done it, you know what she’s like, she?—”

Zack shouted as he cut me off. I winced involuntarily. “I don’t care about who recorded it or why, I care about what you and him said to each other. I don’t even get why you were with him when you promised me you wouldn’t be. You promised me, Lily!”

I shuffled forwards on my knees and tried to take his hand, but he snatched it away. I gulped as I spoke, it felt as though an apple was trapped in my throat.

“When you were in Iceland, before Christmas, I got called to cover mediation at the last minute. I didn’t want to go, but I honestly didn’t have a choice. Everyone was there, I had to go, Margaret would have fired me if I’d said no.”

He nodded briskly, then watched me, waiting for me to continue.

“We had a chat, as you’ve heard,” I sighed. My heart beat ten to the dozen in my chest. “That was it. We didn’t kiss, we didn’t swap numbers, I haven’t seen him since. It was a hiccup that wasn’t supposed to happen. If you listen to the rest, you’ll see.”

“There isn’t any more. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It seemed like I’d just be upsetting you over nothing. I can see now how stupid that was.” I wiped a tear from my eye; I hated the fact this had just destroyed his entire birthday. Bloody Anna!

“What email did you mean?” Zack asked, his voice full of fury.

“It’s from a long time ago, it doesn’t matter. You’re what matters to me, Zack.” I wanted to beg him to believe me.

“Then why are you lying to me?” He barely kept his voice in check.

“I did everything right, Zack. I spoke to him, as you’ve heard. Then I left. There didn’t seem to be any point upsetting you over that.” He continued to look down at the laptop. “I want what we’ve been talking about. The house, to be your wife, to have babies with you. I want that. I want you .”

“Tell me about the email, the full truth.”

I wiped tears away from my cheeks. To think five minutes ago, the humidity and my hair had been my biggest concern. “When I stayed at Cassie’s last year, when we were on a break… Luke emailed me, and basically, told me to go be with you.”

Zack’s eyes flashed with hot anger. “So, you’re only with me because he told you to be? ”

“No, Zack, no, please, I love you.”

“Let me just play this again.”

“I can’t go through it again. I still can’t say for sure what I would’ve done that morning if you hadn’t left, if you hadn’t sent that email, but, Luke… I think it was going to be you.”

“You were going to choose him, weren’t you, Lily?” He spat the words at me. I’d seen him angry before, but this was different, it scared me.

“I don’t know, Zack; I don’t know what I was doing. That was ages ago, I do know what I’m doing now, I know what I want. Anna has just done this to cause trouble?—”

“Don’t fucking blame her!” he raged, his volume out of control. I knew everyone downstairs would be able to hear. “Yes, she’s a bitch, but you were the one cosied up to him while I was at work.” The word ‘him’ dripped with hatred.

“We weren’t cosied up. Not at all. Please, Zack.”

“Then what was that comment, Lily? That night was perfection? Fucking him was perfection, was it?”

I almost gagged, my mouth filled up with saliva as my stomach contracted into painful spasms.

“No, no, that’s not what I meant. Please,” I begged.

“No wonder it took so long to get you back into bed when you came back.” His face was snarled up, like I’d never seen it before. “Have you just been thinking about him every, single, time?” He enunciated each word with venom.

“Of course not. Please trust me, I—” Zack cut me off before I could finish the sentence. His voice boomed around the room.

“I don’t think I can ever trust you. Every time I think this has gone away, it rears its head again. How happy have we been lately? And it was all fake for you.”

“It wasn’t.” I gulped for air as tears rolled down my face. “It wasn’t fake, I love you, I love you so much.”

“Do you know… as hard as this is, in six months, when we’d be married and everything, it would be worse. I can’t do this anymore, Lily.”

“Zack… what do you mean? Please, please don’t do this,” I begged him as I knelt on the cold, tiled floor, in what was meant to be a dress to seduce him on his thirtieth birthday, desperate for him not to give up on us. “It was absolutely nothing. I’ll find out if she has more of the tape, you’ll see how it ended. It was nothing. Or I’ll get Cassie to call him, he’ll tell you.”

“You think I ever want to speak to him? How delusional are you?” He swatted tears from his cheeks. “Lily, you have one chance here, be one hundred per cent honest. Did you choose me, or did he make the decision for you?”

I took a deep breath; I could already feel him falling away from me. How could it be a few short hours ago we were curled up together talking about our future and now, this. “I hadn’t made my decision… the email forced it.”

“I want you to go. Now.” He slammed the laptop shut and turned away from me.

“No, Zack, no. I love you. I want to be with you. This is stupid, over something from the past.”

“No,” he roared in an uncontrolled rage. Never mind his family, I think this whole region of Spain could hear him. “ I’m stupid for thinking you’d ever leave him behind. I said before I wouldn’t play second fiddle to him. Go screw your best friend. I give up. I. Give. Up . Just go. Now.”

He stormed out; the door slammed behind him so hard the room shook. I crossed to the Juliette balcony, and through blurry eyes saw people look up at me. Others headed towards him as he got into the taxi that was supposed to take us out for dinner. Leah and Maisie quickly jumped into it with him, and they were gone.

The bedroom door burst open as Cassie rushed inside. She wrapped her arms around me as I sobbed into her shoulder; my tears soaked into her thin sun top. “What the hell? What just happened? You couldn’t keep your hands off each other earlier. Did I just hear him say it was over?”

I nodded as I whimpered, which spread the tears even further. She held me tight as I sobbed uncontrollably. I was hot, sticky, snotty, full of tears, crying so hard I couldn’t think, never mind speak.

“What happened?” she asked in her kindest voice as she stroked my cheek and wiped my hot tears away. I gestured over towards the laptop, which Zack had left on the bed before he stormed out. Cassie sat down and opened it up. I could see her focus on the file before she pressed play.

I kept my head between my knees, wishing I could block out the sound of Luke and I talking; I didn’t want to hear it ever again. After a couple of minutes, Cassie came back over to me and gently lifted my head up, her eyes close to mine.

“You didn’t tell me you’d seen Luke. When was that?” I could sense concern in Cassie’s voice but also notes of tension, hidden anger.

“Just before Christmas. We didn’t plan it… I tried to get out of it. I really did, but it was last minute, and I would’ve been in the worst trouble at work if I didn’t go.” I wiped my eyes again on my bare arm, wishing I had long sleeves. The air in the room was hot and stifling, everything seemed to spin and churn within my stomach.

“Why did you keep it secret? You should have told me. You definitely should have told Zack.”

“There wasn’t much to tell. Honestly, that conversation, that was pretty much it. We didn’t kiss, we didn’t arrange to meet again, it was just one more goodbye. A horrible goodbye. I went home and cried like a banshee, and then it was done. I focused on Zack and our future. But… it’s ruined everything. Anna has ruined it all; I’m going to kill her, I swear, Cassie!”

“I’m sure Zack will have calmed down when he gets back,” she tried to reassure me.

I shook my head, and a multitude of fresh tears sprang from my eyes. “I don’t think so. I think that was it for him.”

“No, sweetheart… He adores you. You’re getting married soon. He isn’t going to give up that easily.”

“I know him, Cass, that wasn’t him… He wants me to go. I should go.” I went to stand, my mind not knowing what to think. Should I pack and leave? Should I give up? She pulled me back down to her and focused her words on me, like she would when she needed to calm her children down.

“Just get what you need for tonight, and come stay with me and the girls in our room. He’ll be back, he’ll calm down, and you two can sort all of this out. I’ll go downstairs and vaguely explain it’s a misunderstanding, and then I’ll bring all the wine upstairs for us until you fall asleep. OK, lovely?”

A fresh barrage of tears assaulted me as I hugged her tight against me. What would I ever do without this Cassie?

I grabbed my pyjamas, toothbrush and phone. I also pocketed the USB from the laptop, I didn’t want Zack to sit and listen again when he eventually came back. If he came back.

Ruby and Emilia were asleep in bunk beds as I crept into Cassie’s room and lay under the cool covers of her double bed. I watched their faces, so peaceful and beautiful. Just as I wondered about if I’d ever get to lie down and look upon my own children, Cassie tiptoed in with two bottles of wine and two glasses. She grimaced and eyed the girls as the glasses clinked together, then poured the wine generously for each of us, before slipping into bed beside me.

I smiled, a hopeless, sad smile as tears leaked from my eyes. “I’m scared to see him tomorrow, Cassie. What if he won’t even talk to me?”

“He’ll want to talk, of course he will,” she reassured me.

“Are you sure? You know what he’s like. On his birthday of all days…” I took a huge gulp of the wine, almost choking as it combined with my tears.

We sat in the bed, held hands, and drank the wine in silence, before Cassie took the near empty glass from me and gave me a tight hug. “Get some rest, we’ll sort it all out tomorrow.”

I heard her breath settle into the slow pattern of sleep as I lay there, eyes wide open watching the moonlight seep in around the curtains. I couldn’t sleep, there was no way. I was going to listen for Zack’s return, I needed to know he was safe and not out doing something stupid again, or someone…

I shot bolt upright in bed as I heard a door slam, causing the room to shake. Immediately, I threw my arm across my eyes as bright sunshine assaulted my face. Squinting out, I saw that Cassie and the girls were gone. I felt nauseous as I realised that slamming door was the bedroom next door, mine and Zack’s.

I tiptoed to the bathroom, feeling foolish as I crept around, it’s not like he was going to burst in here to get me. A long, exhausted breath escaped my mouth as I saw my sorry reflection in the mirror. Eyes bloodshot and baggy, skin red from a combination of the sun and the crying. My hair was like a bird’s nest. This was far removed from the sexy birthday treat I’d tried to create last night.

My hand shook as I brushed my teeth and forced my wild, scruffy hair into a high ponytail. I splashed water on my face and crossed to the bedroom door. It wasn’t only my hand that trembled, my whole body was in a state of alert, ready for flight or fight. I didn’t know what was going to happen.

I knocked on our bedroom door, eliciting no response. I could hear the bangs of drawers and doors inside. I cautiously inched it open and peeped around .

Zack was still in his clothes from last night, his hair was still, somehow, perfect, but his face was thunderous. He had his suitcase on the bed and clothes were being tossed into it haphazardly, not at all like him, especially considering what he’d spent on the designer labels. He looked up, and our eyes met for the briefest of seconds before he looked away.

“Thought you would’ve run back to him by now.” The words were snarled as he spoke, he was still in a total rage, and I knew it was pointless to try and communicate when he was like this.

“I don’t want to be with him, I don’t know how to make you see. I’m with you, we’re supposed to be getting married remember?”

A mean, half laugh escaped his lips, but he didn’t stop piling his belongings into the case. I stepped fully into the room, wincing as he slammed another cupboard.

“Zack, can you please stop, can we talk?”

Suddenly, he was right up against me, his face contorted in anger and rage. “There is nothing to talk about. I meant what I said. I will not play second best to him. I will not marry you and spend forever wondering if you’re seeing him, missing him, fucking him. Every time I look at you, I see him all over you. We’re done.”

“If you just listen to that conversation again when you’re a little calmer, you’ll see?—”

He cut me off, angrily. “Every time I see you on your phone, I’ll think you’re messaging him. Every time you go to Cassie’s, I’ll think you’re secretly seeing him. I’ll wonder, on our wedding day, if you wish I was him. I can’t live like that.” His voice wavered, and my heart cracked in mirrored sympathy. I reached my arm out to him; utterly afraid of what was happening here, he shrugged me off and turned away. “Every time we make love, I’ll think you wish I was him. It’s better this ends now, than I spend the rest of my life wondering if I’m just a consolation prize.”

He stormed back towards the bed and continued his frenzy; clothes being bundled up and thrown into the suitcase. He tried to zip it up but it wouldn’t close. He muttered angrily, swearing more than I’d known before. I backed away towards the door, just in time as he lifted the case and hurled it towards the wall. The beautiful full-length mirror that stood adjacent to the end of the bed shattered into thousands of tiny pieces of glass with the impact. I was knocked to the side as Zack barged past me without so much as a glance and slammed the door behind him, leaving me in the empty room full of smashed glass and screwed up clothes, mirroring the wreck that was our relationship right now.

Cassie bolted in a moment later. She surveyed the state of the room through anxious eyes before taking my face in her hands and looking me over. “Are you OK?” she asked.

I nodded and buried my head into her shoulder, wracked with sobs of utter despair. He wasn’t going to calm down from this. I knew him. It was over, all our dreams, our future.

I sank down to the floor and she sat with me, her arms wrapped protectively around my shoulders. “Cassie,” I asked. “Can we try and get a flight later today? I don’t want to stay here, I can’t be on the plane with him tomorrow.”

She pulled her phone from the pocket of her shorts and began to search websites. “Of course we can, if that’s what you want. Do you want me to go and talk to him?”

I shook my head. “Nobody can talk to him when he’s like this.”

A few hours later, after abusing Guy’s credit card for four last minute flights, Cassie held my hand as our plane took off. We were on our way back to Manchester, away from Zack and into a situation that I had no idea how to handle. All I knew was that my heart was battered and bruised, and still firmly in that villa, which I had just fled from.