11. Eleven

Eleven

All too soon, another month had passed, and it was time for Zack’s next trip to Iceland. With it being December, I’d given him a list of Christmas goodies to bring back. The house purchase was forging ahead, and we were still weighing up wedding options. Basically, an inspiring and wonderful chapter of our relationship.

“I’ll see you in five days. Miss you already.”

I kissed him before I replied, “I miss you too. You’re going to call me tonight though, aren’t you?” I raised an eyebrow and smiled.

“Counting down the hours,” he whispered. “Love you.”

“I love you too.” Our fingers slid away from each other. I blew him a kiss before he disappeared through security, then headed home to curl up with a book and a large glass of wine… possibly chocolate too.

I’d been expecting a quiet day at work on Monday as I knew a mediation session was taking place in a swanky hotel in the city center, everyone important would be there, leaving me in peace back at the office. But Margaret jumped on me the minute I walked through the door.

“Lily! I tried to call you!”

I pulled my phone out of my bag, confused; it was still on silent, and I could see three missed calls flashing on the screen.

“Sorry. What’s wrong? What did you need me for?” I asked.

“The mediator’s assistant has let him down, I said you’d do it instead. You need to get to The Sandhurst now. Take a cab, just give me the receipt later,” she instructed.

“What? I can’t, I…”

“Lily,” she screeched. “How hard do you think it was to get four solicitors, a mediator, a premier league footballer, his manager, his ex-shag piece and a PR person in the same room at the same time? Get. A. Cab. NOW!”

She stomped away. Zack was going to lose the plot. Luke… fuck, fuck, fuck ! I was not prepared for this.

I ran into the toilets as I swiped away at my phone for an Uber. Then I pulled the bobble from my ponytail and shook my head upside down to try and get a bit of volume. My eyes looked good, but I reapplied the lipstick that had rubbed off on my Starbucks cup earlier. My dress was nice, that was good. Knee length, dark blue.

I glanced down at my feet, this seriously wouldn’t do. I had boring, sensible shoes on because I knew I wouldn’t get a seat on the train during rush hour, and I hated sore feet for no good reason. Luke, though, totally had a thing about sexy shoes. My breaths grew deeper at the memory of a specific time in his living room, in nothing but the Guccis. I couldn’t let him see me for the first time in so long, wearing these dull flats.

I ran to Ella’s desk; she always wore sexy as hell shoes. “Ella!” I puffed and panted. “I’ll do whatever you want if you swap shoes with me today.”

She frowned and looked at my feet; A grimace on her face. “Why? That’s a bit weird.”

“Come on, please. I’ve got to go in two minutes, and I need sexy shoes. You’re my only hope. Anything Ella!” I begged.

“Cover for me on Friday afternoon so I can go meet Jake?” She smiled slyly.

“Give me the shoes, and I’ll cover for you every Friday until the end of time!”

My phone pinged to say the Uber was outside as she slid her shoes across the floor to me, unable to hide her grimace at my flats.

“Thank you!” I mouthed as I ran to the Uber barefoot, clutching the precious shoes to my chest.

The hotel was a ten-minute drive away. I squeezed my feet into the too small heels; I’d be in agony later, but they were perfect. Sleek, black, tall, very Luke. What the fuck, Lily? Why had I regressed to this again? What was wrong with me?

I hoped everyone at the hotel had been informed; I didn’t want to walk in and he be caught unawares. I sprayed perfume as I checked myself in my compact mirror. My hair looked a little wild, but he’d seen it wilder. My mouth curved into a smile, flashes of those times at the forefront of my mind. My stomach flipped over and over at the thought of being close to Luke.

My heart was on the verge of combustion as the hotel receptionist pointed me towards the conference room. Security stood outside and checked my ID before they let me in. I paused as I reached for the door handle; my hands visibly trembling. You can do this, Lily, it’s just Luke. Remember when he was your best friend. It’s just Luke.

I plastered my best work smile on as I opened the door and looked around the faces… none of which was Luke’s. I wanted to cry, not only because these shoes had cut off the circulation to my toes.

An absolute chill ran from my legs, all the way up to my forehead as I froze. I could feel that he was behind me. Breathe, Lily. Just breathe.

I walked to the empty seat next to the mediator, glanced at Anna and Peter with a brief nod, then focused on the paperwork in front of me while introductions were made.

I could feel Luke’s eyes burn into me, but I didn’t look up. I didn’t dare look up. Instead I doodled on my notepad with the fancy hotel pen, and that’s when I saw my ring. It sparkled away like a bloody beacon under the conference room lights.

I wanted to run outside and cry. Thankfully, the meeting got started at speed. I was making notes for the mediator, looking after all his paperwork and documentation.

I’d forgotten what it was like to be in a room with Luke while he worked, his voice authoritative and strong. I found myself smiling and bit my lip as I looked up, trying to quell the memory of him using that voice on me, but the echo of those times only flashed brighter as my eyes met his.

Instantly. Lost.

Luke’s gaze pulled the air right out of me.

All the noise of the room, the talk of multi-million-pound salaries and withheld visitation rights, it all silenced for me. All I could hear was my heart as it exploded with emotion. Everything I’d kept trapped and locked up in there burst out in a flood around my body, transported through every inch of me with each beat.

It was the hardest thing, but I forced myself to tear my gaze from his, to focus on the work. And so with a sigh, I reached for a glass of water, blinking rapidly to reset my focus.

I knew I’d missed a section of notes and began to scribble, eager to catch up. It was hard to focus; the proximity to Luke was affecting me. A little voice at the back of my mind was also nagging about how exactly I was going to tell Zack about this – was he likely to believe it had been an accident? Sadly, I doubted it.

Thankfully, every single person in this room was an absolute caffeine fiend. It therefore, wasn’t long until a break was called. Even better – the hotel staff were in charge of refreshments; it wasn’t my job for once.

I headed straight outside, cursing the throb and ache in my squashed toes. I was boiling hot and needed the fresh air. I leant against the outside of the hotel as I sucked in deep breaths; my hot exhalations caused clouds of steam in the cold December air. One of those breaths paused in my body as I realized that Luke had followed me. He grabbed me by the arm and pulled me into a side alley, away from the main street.

He stood in silence, watching me. His eyes never left mine. His hand reached up as if to move a stray hair from my face as the wind whipped it around, but he stopped himself .

“I wasn’t meant to ever see you again.” His voice was soft and melodic to my ears.

“I know. I didn’t know about this until ten minutes before I got here. I tried to get out of it…”

“You didn’t want to see me?”

“I’ve been desperate to see you. Doesn’t mean it’s a good idea, though.”

He sighed, his breath long and slow. I’d forgotten how tall he was, how much presence he had, how good he smelled. I took a deep breath, wanting to inhale his very soul into me.

“I don’t know what to say,” Luke sighed as he spoke.

“I get why you did what you did, but… I don’t think you should’ve done it.”

He took hold of my hand and held it up, my engagement ring glossy in the light. “It worked for you, though, didn’t it?”

We surveyed each other for the longest moment, the ebb and flow of time always felt different when we were together.

“I better go back in,” he said, breaking the silence. “Maybe we could get a drink later? Would you be able to?”

I nodded. “Zack’s in Iceland.”

Luke opened his mouth as if to speak, then stopped himself and walked away. I remained where I was, frozen as I attempted to breathe and focus .

All I had to do was get through today. Speak to Luke over a drink. Explain to Zack. Carry on as normal. Totally doable. Totally…

By two in the afternoon, I’d come to the conclusion this wasn’t doable. I was in absolute turmoil.

It had become apparent that no further progress could be made, the whole session was paused until the next day. I’d made notes about everything yet remembered nothing. I had zero idea if the mediation was working for either side.

Luke exited the room. I remained there, pushing paperwork around. I wished Anna would leave too. I worried I was acting suspicious. “I’ll message you in the morning if we need you again, Lily, thanks for stepping in,” she said.

I don’t know how I hid my shock at a thank you from Anna. “No problem. I’ll speak to you in the morning.”

She looked me up and down before she left. “Hmm, will do.”

I gave it ten torturous minutes before I headed to the bar; my nerves open and exposed.

I instantly spotted Luke. It was like an invisible string stretched between us and I could always find my way back to him. A bottle of white stood on his table in a copper wine cooler. Was that a ploy to make me stay longer? I hoped so, even though I knew that it was wrong of me, and I’d never admit it to anyone.

“Hi,” I said quietly as I sat down at his table, adjacent to the bar. He’d chosen an out of the way spot; the only person nearby was a barman on his break, sat scrolling through his phone.

Luke smiled at me. That slow, sexy, gorgeous smile. The corners of his eyes crinkled up, the cerulean of them vivid against the whites.

“Are you OK? You’re not moving,” he said, as he pushed a glass of wine towards me.

I swallowed and sat down. “I don’t know.”

“I’m sorry about the way I left that morning, I didn’t know what else to do. You were struggling, it was painful to see.”

“That night, before you left… It felt like we…” I ran my hands through my hair, unable to think of how to vocalise exactly what it had meant.

“I know what you mean. I wanted to make the decision easy on you.”

“It wasn’t easy. I’ve learned to deal with it, Luke, but it’s never been easy.”

“Learned to deal with it with a big diamond?” he asked.

“What did you expect me to do? You cut me off, you told me to go be with Zack. I was in absolute bits, I could barely function. It took me weeks to even act semi-normal with him. I…”

“I’m sorry. I honestly intended on doing the best thing for you. I always only did everything for you, Lily.” He reached for my hand as he spoke, and my body craved more of him. But I couldn’t go through it again, I didn’t have the strength. Our fingers grazed each other’s for a moment, then I pulled back.

“You’re too good, that’s part of the problem. I miss you so much, you have no idea.”

“I have every idea. Everywhere I go in my house, I picture you there. I was thinking about selling it, just to try and get peace in my mind, but part of me can’t stand to,” Luke said. His whole demeanor saddened as he took a long drink.

“I saw your photo in a magazine… At the charity ball.” I sucked on my bottom lip as I awaited his response, then pressed my teeth into it, allowing the painful sting to distract me.

“There was only one person I wanted to be there with…”

“I feel like I should leave, but I’m terrified I’ll never see you again. I don’t think I’m back tomorrow, it was just a favour for the mediator.”

“I want every minute I can get with you.”

“I can’t go through it again,” I put my head into my hands. “I still can’t say for sure what I would’ve done that morning if you hadn’t left, if you hadn’t sent that email, but Luke…” I looked up at him, my eyes full of tears. “I think it was going to be you. That night was perfection. Nothing’s ever come close, it never will.”

“But you would’ve felt bad about Zack and I didn’t want to put you through that.”

“Losing you wasn’t any better. I have to go, I can’t handle this. I can’t control myself around you, and I’m getting married and…” The bar was busy now, but I couldn’t stop myself from crying, utterly undignified, ridiculous heaving sobs. “I can’t do this to him.”

“Come outside. Just breathe. You’re OK, I’m with you.” He took hold of my hand and wrapped his jacket around my shoulders as we got to the door. We headed to the side of the hotel where we’d spoken earlier. The winter evening had darkened as we’d talked and the street was now illuminated by strings of twinkling white Christmas lights. “You know everyone in there thinks I just dumped you now? Thanks for that,” he laughed and elbowed me with a grin, instantly lightning the mood.

I couldn’t help but join in with his laugh through my sobs. “How did we end up here again?”

“By the wall?” Luke smiled; his face lit up with absolute beauty.

I continued to laugh as I wiped the tears off my cheeks. “These aren’t my shoes, and I really need to take them off. I think I broke my toes.”

He looked at me, bemused, as I pulled the shoes off, a happy sigh escaped my lips as my throbbing feet touched the soothing, cold ground. “Lily… whose shoes have you got on and why?”

“Well, I wore flats for work today because I got the train. Then I found out I was coming here, and I wanted you to see me in sexy shoes, so I convinced a girl to swap.”

Luke looked at the shoes. “They’re not even your size, are they?”

I shook my head.

“You know you didn’t need to do that?”

“It made sense at the time. Didn’t want you to see me in flats and think you had a lucky escape.”

“Yeah, because I only wanted you for your shoes…” Luke laughed with me; this was nice. Friends laughing together.

“I can think of a few occasions that was actually very true!” I spluttered, but my eyes met his, and we just… stopped.

“Do you want to come back inside and finish the wine?” he asked in a quiet voice.

I shook my head.

“Do you want me to get you a taxi?”

I shook my head again.

“Do you want to stay with me?”

“Yes, but I can’t,” I answered with both honesty and regret, as my fingers reached for my ring once more.

“Let me get you home safe then, hey? Like the old days?” he smiled and stroked my forehead. I could have sunk into him there and then, but instead I nodded. I was an engaged woman, I’d grown up a lot in the last few months, and I was not going to risk what Zack and I had. “I’m staying in the hotel tonight, and I should probably be working, loads to get ready for tomorrow. I’ll come with you in an Uber to make sure you get home safe and then just get it to bring me back.”

“You don’t need to. If you weren’t here, I’d be on the train alone anyway.”

“True, but you wouldn’t be upset and two wines down. No arguments.”

I booked the Uber, and we stood near the entrance in silence. I didn’t know what to say, it took all my focus not to reach out and touch him. My body longed to lean in and smell him, refresh my memories. I twisted my engagement ring around my finger as a reminder of why I mustn’t.

We got into the car and Luke explained to the driver that he would be returning back to the same place. “I should’ve booked it on my account,” he said. “Now you’ll have the bill for both trips, I’m sorry.”

“It’s not an issue,” I twisted sideways and leaned my head back on the seat, watching him, wanting to make the most of every second of being able to look at him. He did the same and gently took hold of my hand. I wished I lived hours away, but all too soon the journey was over. The ride was silent. One more ending.

The driver coughed and looked at his phone after he pulled up at my house; we both remained in the back, like statues. Luke stroked my cheek as a single, fat tear rolled down over my freckles.

“Goodb—” I began to speak, but he pressed his hand to my mouth and stopped me.

“Don’t say it.” He ran his hands through his hair, and I could see he was near to tears too. “Go inside, so I know you’re safe.”

I fumbled the key in the door, struggling with blurred vision and stinging eyes. I couldn’t even look back; I couldn’t look at Luke. I locked the door and ran straight upstairs. The car drove away as I threw myself onto the bed and cried with absolute devastation.

Zack had been right; I shouldn’t have worked on this case. He was going to be furious. I reached into my bag for my phone but instead found a folded piece of thick paper. My breath stuck in my throat.

I loved you before I knew you

The first time my eyes

gazed upon your face

engraved within my heart

Round and round in aching circles

always missing the moment we needed

I would run that gauntlet forever

if it took my whole life

For one moment with you

I would forsake every other secon d

It was him. Was this the only way he could communicate with me? Such a beautiful way. I had no idea he could write something so… so pure as if he’d drawn it from the exact place his love for me lived. It must have been agony for him.

And I’d just let him drive away from me. But what else could I do?

My phone beeped with a message, and the guilt weighed me down once more.

I just got back and I’m exhausted, can I call you in the morning instead? x

Absolutely, I’m worn out too. I love you. Sleep well xx

Love you too Mrs Beaumont -well, soon at least x

Zack was going to lose the plot. I went to my wardrobe and took out the Gucci box, which hadn’t been touched in so long. I knew I was completely pathetic as I put the shoes on and slid the memory card into my laptop.

Then, in the most self-indulgent act of misery I’ve ever known, I sobbed my way through every photograph and every message. My throat was raw and painful by the time I got to the end.

I took the poem I’d just found in my bag and placed it in the shoe box, then I thought about The Metro piece… had he been leaving me little trails? Had I been utterly blind?

I fell into a restless sleep as our old favourite, The Scientist, played on repeat. At least I’d always have Coldplay. But in the morning, this would stop. Because I loved Zack, and I couldn’t wait to be his wife. He was my forever, and I couldn’t risk that on a ‘what if”, no matter how pretty.