Chapter 24

TWENTY-FOUR

Logan

The door opens and Annie comes back in, arms wrapped around herself from the cold. The droop of her lips and shadowed eyes makes my throat ache. I want to hug her and soothe her and make everything right in her world.

"I shouldn't have told her." She sighs and meets my eyes. "I'm sorry."

She walks toward me and sits on the couch.

I glance at Ivan, who's looking at his phone. He looks up at me. Then at Annie. Then he jumps to his feet. "I gotta make a call. I'll do it in my room."

He disappears.

"We both knew this was going to happen." I cough so I can get the words out. "I know how important your family is to you. How loyal you all are to each other." I pause. "We should end things now."

She jumps up. "No!"

I don't know if I have the strength to push it. Because I don't want that, either, even though it's obviously for the best. "You should think about it. Think about if it's worth it to piss off your family." I already know the answer to that. Obviously they're more important to her than I am.

"I have thought about it." She takes a step closer, her hands twisted together, her eyes full of pain. "I have, Logan."

The look on her face rips a hole in my gut. "Let's take some time," I say hoarsely. "To think things through. Your mom has a point. If a relationship has to be secret, we shouldn't be in it."

Bitterness sloshes like acid in my gut. I stand, too, facing her.

I've caught feelings for her. I don't want us to be secret and hiding. I was fine with her telling her mom—but she obviously isn't. And if I make her choose…between me and her family…I know who'll she choose.

"Is this what you do?" She crosses her arms, her stare boring into me.

I stare blankly at her. "What?"

"I know you've never had a real relationship. Do you walk away when things get hard?"

I can only gape at her, totally flabbergasted.

"When you get scared?" she challenges, eyes flashing. "What are you scared of, Logan?"

My heart is pounding in my chest, nearly bursting out, and my legs feel like rubber. "I'm not scared."

I see her disbelief in the flicker of her eyes. She lifts her chin, but her voice is soft. "I get it, you know? I'm afraid, too."

My lungs burn like I'm breathing in fire.

"I'm afraid I'm not good enough for this job. That I'm not as good as my brothers."

I know that's how she feels. I hate it. And there's no fucking way in hell I'll be the one to take that away from her, that chance to show what she can do.

Her eyes are shiny. Fuck. I fucking hate this. "Let's take some time," I repeat, my throat full of sand. I stand there, hands in fists, shoulders up at my ears. We stare at each other.

"Fine." She gives a short nod. "But I'm disappointed that you don't have the guts to be honest with me. Or with yourself."

What the fuck? I'm not a coward. I'm doing this for her . And it's fucking hard .

Her words are like the butt end of a hockey stick jabbing into my gut. I keep staring at her.

"You're more than just a tough guy hockey player. You need to know that. I want you t-to know that."

I can't stop myself from taking a giant step toward her and wrapping my arms around her. I squeeze her up against me, my face pressed to her hair. Her arms slide around me, too, and we stand like that for a long, vibrating moment, a hollow sensation spreading through my gut.

I know how important this job is to her to, to prove she's as good as her brothers. And it only makes sense that she doesn't want people to know about us.

I don't want to leave. But I use all the courage I have to let go of her. And let her go.

I watch the hope in her eyes fade as I step back and fuck, it hurts like a motherfucker to see that.

My thoughts are a jumbled mess and my insides feel hollow and empty as I leave. I set out up Eleventh Avenue and I'm halfway home before I realize my jacket's not done up and my hands are freezing.

I'm playing the things she said over and over in my mind. Her worry that she'll never accomplish what her brothers have. Maybe not. But that doesn't mean she's not as good as them, and I fucking hate it that she thinks that. She's had a huge impact on the team. All the guys love her. She's made us better, and not just better skaters. By encouraging us to overcome our pride and ego to be willing to learn something new, she made us better people.

She made me want to be better.

Or to deal with your father.

I've been thinking about the things Josh and I talked about, and I've done some reading about conditional love. It's been hard reliving how I felt as a kid when I didn't get Dad's affection or respect. I felt that he didn't really love me. How can it be love when it's only based on getting satisfaction from me doing what he wanted? Like he was living through me or something, wanting me to be the hockey player he was, so his ego would be gratified.

And I think about Annie's comment about me never being in a real relationship with a woman.

I arrive at my apartment building and in the lobby, I run into the guys going to play ping pong.

"Hey, Loco," Hellsy says. "Come on."

"I dunno. I'm kinda baked." My hands are in my jacket pockets, my shoulders hunched.

Hellsy looks at me. "You okay?"

"Fuck." I close my eyes and tip my head back. "I'm not sure."

"Come on. We can talk while we play."

I follow them into the games room. Millsy and Cookie take paddles and start a match. Hellsy and I lean against the wall. "Something happen with your dad?" he asks.

"No. I mean, not recently." I make a face.

"What's up with your dad?" Millsy asks, overhearing.

"Long story." I shake my head. "That's not what this is about."

"Okay. What is it about?" Hellsy asks.

I glance at him. "I didn't tell you about this, but I've been kind of seeing someone, and it's kind of…serious. Even though it's been fast."

"Oh, hey." Hellsy smiles. "Cool."

"Not really. I mean, it's great. But it's complicated." I hesitate. "It's Annie Bang."

I can almost hear their jaws hitting the floor.

"Holy shit," Cookie mutters.

"Ha, I knew it," Millsy says with a smirk. "I've seen you two together on the ice. They have to send the Zamboni out to fix the melted ice after."

I stare at him. Then I exhale sharply. "Shit."

"We won't say anything," Hellsy assures me.

The other guys give him skeptical looks. "You tell Sara everything." Cookie says.

Hellsy narrows his eyes. "So do you guys."

"The WAGs have a way of finding shit out." Millsy sighs.

"Whatever. I don't care. Wait, yes I do. This is a problem for Annie." They all give me a knowing look that makes me frown. "What?"

"Nothing." Hellsy shakes his head.

"Her family hates me," I add.

"Oh. Yeah." They all frown.

"Her mom found out about us tonight. And she is pissed . I'm sure the rest of the family is giving Annie hell right now. I could see how upset she was about it. So I told her we should break up."

They all make identical "ohhhhh" sounds.

"Her family is really important to her," I add.

I look at the floor. "She called me a coward."

"Yikes," Millsy mutters.

"We men are cowards." Hellsy shrugs.

I look at him.

"When it comes to talking about our feelings? Our fears and insecurities? Oh, hell yeah."

I swallow past the puck lodged behind my Adam's apple. "She asked what I'm afraid of. And I didn't answer her. But I wasn't being a coward. I was trying to do the right thing. I was trying not to come between her and her family."

They all nod thoughtfully.

The silence expands.

Finally, I sigh. "I was being a coward."

"Yeah," Hellsy agrees.

"What are you afraid of?" Millsy asks. "Go head, let it out."

I bow my head again. "I've fucking fallen for her. She's the one . I knew it when she took my fries." I look up at them.

"Uh…okay." They all exchange glances and it nearly makes me laugh.

"I've never felt like this. And fuck yeah, I'm afraid. I'm terrified." My hands curl into tight fists. "I'm terrified that she doesn't feel the same. Of course she'll choose her family and her career over me. I'm not worth it. I don't deserve her."

After a thick pause, Hellsy says slowly, "You wanna talk about your dad?"

Well, this is humiliating, telling everyone how my dad never loved me.

"Hey." Millsy says. "You don't think we've all been through crap?"

He doesn't need to remind me that he was in that bus accident and was sitting there in a snowy ditch when his father and brother died only a few feet away from him.

"Yeah," Hellsy says. "Think of this as therapy. No one's going to judge you."

Cookie nods. "These guys and Morrie did an intervention with me when I was losing my shit. My brother was a drug addict. He overdosed and died a few years ago."

"I'm sorry." I didn't know that about him.

"Obviously it affected me," he says. "I used hockey to escape, only it kind of turned into an escape from too many things. When I was seeing Emerie, I used it to keep things between us from getting serious. It fucked up my game. I injured someone."

I remember that.

"I wouldn't have figured all that shit out without talking to someone about it. So spill your guts."

Like it's that easy.

I tell them the stuff I told Hellsy. They nod. They're not playing ping pong. They're listening. No judgment.

"This year I was determined to play the way I want to play. And I'm doing it. But he's still not happy about it." I drop my head. "If I don't do what he wants…" I shrug. "It doesn't matter."

"Yeah. It does," Hellsy says.

"We all want our parents' approval," Cookie says. "We all want to make them proud. I think it doesn't matter how old we get."

"But there's always going to be differences," Hellsy adds. "I was lucky my parents were always supportive. I guess for some parents it's harder to loosen the grip." HJe pauses. "Maybe for Annie's family, too."

I blow out a breath. "Oh yeah."

"It's okay to want our parents' approval," Cookie says. "But it doesn't mean you have to always do what they want."

"I know. But I don't want to be the problem between Annie and her family."

"Maybe that's her decision to make," Cookie adds.

I blink, a band tightening around my chest. "Yeah," I say slowly. Shit. I haul air into my lungs. "Dad always made me feel like I disappointed him. Like, if I didn't play the way he wanted, I didn't deserve to be loved."

"So that's what you're afraid of," Hellsy says. "You think you don't deserve to be loved."

I already said that, but now it all connects in my head. "Jesus." I swipe a hand across my face. "This is embarrassing."

Nobody laughs.

"I know," Cookie agrees. "Tough it out."

I think back to Hellsy's question— is it possible you feel that way because of your dad?

Of course it's because of that. Of course it's because I don't trust love. I don't believe someone will love me for myself without some kind of personal gain. I've always ended relationships when they started to get serious because of that.

Annie was right. I am a fucking coward.

I meet Hellsy's eyes. "I need to talk to Annie."

"Maybe you should talk to your dad," Hellsy says slowly. "Do the hard work first."

"Ugh."

"It might help you sort shit out. I mean, it's not going to happen overnight, with one conversation. It takes time to change. But you have to start somewhere."

I push away from the wall. "Okay. I gotta go check the schedule and book a flight for my parents." I pause. "Thanks, guys. Good talk."

Okay I've made myself vulnerable and confessed all my weaknesses and fears to a bunch of guys and the world didn't end. In fact, it almost feels…good. I feel lighter. A little.

Now I need to do it with my dad.