Chapter 25

TWENTY-FIVE

Annie

The first call is from Jensen. Of course. "What the fuck, Annie?"

I sigh. "You heard from Mom."

"Oh yeah. What are you doing? You can't be serious about Logan Coates."

I choke up and plop my butt down on my bed. I squeeze my eyes shut against hot tears and try to get control of my voice.

"That guy is not good enough for you," he adds.

My eyes shoot open. I swipe a hand across one cheek. "What? Are you kidding me? I'm the one who's not good enough. I'm the one who can never live up to the amazing Bang brothers."

"That's not true."

"Jensen. Yes, it is. It's always been like that. I'm not mad about it. I'm just realistic."

"That's bullshit."

Anger flares in my chest. "You're invalidating my feelings? Seriously?"

He's silent.

"I'm telling you how I feel," I nearly shout at him.

"Okay, okay. But my point stands. He's not good enough for you. He's a dickwad."

"Argh!" My molars grind together. "He's not!" I take a breath. "I know you feel that way, and I get why. But I've gotten to know him better and that's not who he is. There's a lot more to him than you know."

"It's not just about me. He had the most penalty minutes on his team last year."

I did not know that. But I know how hard he's working this year to change his style of play. "That was last year."

"You have to listen to reason."

" You're the voice of reason?"

"Yeah, I am."

"Phhht."

"Jesus Christ, Annie."

"I'm an adult, Jensen. I make my own decisions about who I date or sleep with or marry, for that matter."

"Marry! No!"

My bottom lip quivers. "Well, don't worry about that." It's looking like things are over between Logan and me.

"Mom said you lied to her about seeing him."

"Sort of. Because I knew everyone would freak out like this!"

"You need to think this through," he says tersely, and we end the call.

I hear from Kingston next. The oldest brother, the one who was always looking after the rest of us. Then Jakob, then Leif, then Tanner, all variations of the conversation with Jensen. Of all of them, Leif is the most laid back about it. As usual. He's the most easy-going person I know. Well, Dad's pretty even-tempered, too.

From Dad, I get a text that makes me cry.

DAD: Hey Mini Bang you're probably getting shit from your brothers about all this and your mom is pretty cheesed off too, but just know it's all because we're worried about you. We love you and want the best for you and that includes any man that lays a finger on you.

I sit on my bed and tears slide down my cheeks. "Thanks, Dad," I whisper.

In my pajamas, I trudge out to the kitchen. I'm not hungry, but I want something. I don't know what, so I peer into the cupboard. Aha. A bag of marshmallows.

I put some into the microwave and wait.

Ivan comes out of his bedroom.

"Logan's gone?"

"Yeah." I pout down at the counter. "Maybe forever."

"What?"

With my head still bowed, I nod. "He thinks we should break up."

Ivan's hand lands on the middle of my back and rubs. "Why?"

The microwaves dings.

"What are you making?" Ivan peers at the appliance.

"Marshmallows."

"What? In the microwave?"

"Yeah." I take out the plate. "They get all chewy and crispy."

"That is fucking weird."

"I don't care."

"So why does he want to break up?" Ivan asks again.

"Well." I pick up a crispy marshmallow, my chest feeling like Arctic tundra, barren and frozen. "Of course I think it's because he doesn't really care about me that much."

Ivan snorts. "I don't believe that. He's crazy about you."

"I actually don't believe it either. He's just not ready to trust in love." My heart feels like a corkscrew is twisting into it. "He has some stuff to deal with and he hasn't yet."

"Ah."

"I understand it." I chew on the marshmallow. "His dad is a piece of work. He's always been really hard on him about his hockey. Withheld affection to get what he wanted."

"That sucks."

"Yeah. So I get it. But…I wish he knew he can trust me ." I swipe a hand over one eye. "I wish he knew how special he is. He said he knows how important my family is to me and that we should end things."

"Huh. So he doesn't want to come between you and your family."

I frown.

"What did your brothers say?"

"They all think he's an asshole and I should dump him."

"So Logan was right."

"No." I stare at him. "I mean, yeah, but…I wouldn't dump him just because they tell me to. I'm a grown woman. I make my own decisions. Jesus! Was he doing some kind of self-sacrificing bullshit?" I pout down at my plate of marshmallows. "I hate it that they don't really know him. I just realized tonight when Mom and I were having dinner that I'm in love with him." A tear pops out and slithers down my cheek. "Th-that was why I told her about him. I don't want it to be secret. I want them to know, because I care about him and he's not the monster they think he is. And I kn-knew there was going to be fallout, but I was prepared to deal with it so I could be honest." I hiccup. "And then he wanted to end things. Or ‘take some time.'"

"Because he didn't want to come between you and your family."

I stare at him, the sugary treat melting in my mouth. "Damn."

* * *

The next day I'm at the arena and I'm thinking about Jensen and our conversation, and for some reason I want to watch the video of Logan's hit on him. I go to the video room and sit down at the computer to search it out. Then I watch it. And watch it again. I slow it down and study Logan's skates. And Jensen's. Rewind and watch it again.

Wow.

* * *

I gaze at the faces of my entire family on the screen of my laptop in front of me. "Hi, guys. Hi, Mom and Dad."

We're on a Zoom call that I've set up. Mom and Dad are sharing a computer, their faces close together.

"What's going on?" Mom says without smiling. Gak. She's still salty.

"I want to show you all something."

They all wear similar perplexed expressions.

I click my mouse to share my screen and start the video. It's the clip of the hit on Jensen, slowed way down. "If you look at Logan's skate blades…right here…" The video stops. "You can see he's lost his edge. This shows he wasn't trying to hit you, Jensen, like he said. He knew the play was dead and he was trying to slow down or stop. Like he always said. Watch it again."

They might not be trained to watch things like that as closely as I do, but they all know this stuff.

"If he'd been strong on that inside edge, it might not have happened." Giving myself a mental pat on the back, I add, "It probably wouldn't happen now, after the work we've been doing."

"Well," Dad says. "I think you're right there, Annie."

"I want to see it again," Kingston says.

I play it again for them. And I point out something else. "Jensen's not strong on his skates at this point either. Check out his left foot. See how he falls awkwardly, twisting his ankle as he fell? Honestly, I'd say you bear some of the fault for the way you fell."

"Fuck off," Jensen mutters.

"Jensen," Mom says.

He sighs. "I wasn't saying it to Annie. Shit. She could have a point."

"Have you thought about a job with the Department of Player Safety?" Leif asks me. "You're good at this."

I'm good that this. Heat expands in my chest.

"Yeah. Obviously you've found your calling," Tanner says.

"I've had a couple of guys ask me if you're doing one on one coaching," Kingston says. "It seems like everyone's heard about the results you're getting. And the Bears are playing great."

"Oh. Wow." I blink at that.

"I was like, that's my little sister," Kingston laughs. "All proud of you."

"We're proud of you, too," Mom says. "I'm sorry you didn't know that. That I don't tell you that enough."

"When we talked the other day…" Jensen pauses. "I never know you felt that way. That you couldn't live up to us."

I press my lips together.

"What?" Kingston frowns. "That's ridiculous."

"That's what I said." Jensen nods.

My throat feels like someone stuffed a hockey sock down it. "You don't know what it was like, growing up with all of you."

Silence floats from the computer monitor.

"What was it like?" Kingston asks quietly.

I sniffle in a breath, fighting back emotion. "I couldn't play hockey like the rest of you."

"You played hockey," Jensen points out.

"I played for fun. I couldn't play well enough to even be competitive, never mind as a pro. I was the only one of all of us who didn't. Then I found figure skating and you all thought it was stupid."

I gaze at the faces on the screen, all wearing identical looks of confusion.

"No, we didn't," Kingston says.

I sigh. "Yeah, you did. Mom and Dad, you didn't even want to pay for figure skating lessons."

Mom bites her lip. Dad rubs his face.

"But I loved it," I say. "But that didn't work out either. I just wanted to be good at something , even though I'd never be as good as my brothers."

Jakob makes a rough sound.

"I felt like no matter what I do in life, it'll never be good enough."

Jensen opens his mouth as if to argue with that but Bailey, off camera, elbows him and he shuts up. That almost makes me smile. I can't wait to meet her.

"Then I got this job in the NHL. I was proud but also terrified that I'm not good enough for this either. That I'd fail at this, too." I wave a hand, remembering Logan's admonishment. "And I know I didn't fail at figure skating, that I couldn't help that I got injured, but still…it feels like a failure."

"But your job is going great," Tanner says.

"It is. Except for getting involved with a player. I knew it was a bad idea, but…I fell in love with Logan."

Another thick silence.

"You're in love with him?" Leif asks.

"Yes." I lift my chin. "But we're taking a break to think about things, so…s-so you may not even need to worry about that. But I wanted you to know the truth. That what he said about what happened was the truth."

"Jesus." Kingston shakes his head. "I had no idea you felt that strongly about him."

"Me either." Jensen frowns.

Mom's forehead creases. "You're taking a break?"

"Yeah. Ivan says it's because Logan doesn't want me to have to choose between you and him."

"Nobody's making you choose, Mini," Leif says.

"He…he would step aside so he doesn't come between you and your family," Mom clarifies slowly.

I nod, my bottom lip quivering.

"Well, that's…" She clears her throat. "That's admirable."

I stare at her image on the monitor. She looks like she's going to cry.

I thought Logan breaking up with me because my family hates him was stupid. But…she's right. If he really cares about me, doing that is very…honorable.

"Yeah," Jensen says, his forehead wearing a perplexed furrow. "It is."

Kingston rubs his jaw. "I'm kinda seeing this dude in a different light."

"Yeah." Tanner nods. "Same."

Jensen makes a face. "Me, too. What if I reached out to him? I could call him and try to clear things up."

I stare at my big brother. "You would do that?"

He makes a rough noise. "Yeah. We're family. Right?"

My heart squeezes then swells up. "Right." I draw in a breath. "But no. You don't have to do that. I need to handle this myself."

"Anyone who messes with one of the Bangs messes with all of us," Jakob says.

Love fills my heart. "Thanks, guys."