Chapter Five | Liam

It was a long stretch to change out the kegs of our most popular IPA. Noah had offered to do it, but I needed a moment to myself. Jamal had been on my mind constantly since our day at the museum. Twice while Noah and Brody were still away and the kids were at school, I had almost driven down to the youth centre to see him. The only thing stopping me was fear of the unknown. And the potential of losing him if I made a move. The unknown was his paralysis. The possibility he'd back away from me if I made my attraction to him known—real.

We'd made a silent agreement to be friends.

I was scared to go against it.

"You okay down here?" It was Noah.

"Contemplating my existence."

"And what have you decided?"

"That I need my head examined." I climbed off the keg I'd been stretched across and met Noah at the open door. "Or my heart … or both. I'm feeling a little tied up in knots, to be honest."

"What brought this on?"

I angled my way past Noah and headed for the stairs. "A man."

"Charlie?"

I turned to face him. "No, a man who actually likes me." I sighed. "Or seems to."

"You're not sure? "

"We're friends … at the moment anyway. I'm not sure it could ever be more."

"Do you want it to be more?"

"The question is does he want it to be more? I know where I stand."

Stand.

God, that would have constituted a slip of the tongue. If I was going to spend any time around Jamal, I was going to have to think before speaking which was not my default setting.

"So … you're actually interested in having a relationship with someone?"

"He's special. When we're together, it feels easy."

Noah's eyebrows rose. "I've never heard you speak about someone this way. Are you sure what you're feeling for this guy is real? You haven't got your wires crossed with your cock?"

"You say that like I'm emotionally defective."

Noah smirked at me. "You kind of are."

"Fuck off. I feel different with him." We crossed the pub and stepped back behind the bar. The order chits were building up. "I want to be a better version of myself with him."

"You're already the best version in my eyes."

I shook my head. "You know what I mean. We haven't spent a lot of time together, but he makes me want to strip away my selfishness. Discard my absolute self-absorption."

Those were both realizations I'd had while thinking about Jamal the past few days.

"Jeez, I'd love to meet this miracle worker."

I concentrated on the beer tap as I filled a pint glass. "You already know him."

"What?" Noah gripped my shoulder hard. "Who?"

I set the glass on the bar mat and looked at him. Did I dare? It depended on how much I trusted Noah. And I trusted him with my life. "Promise me you won't say anything to him. "

Noah held up his hand with his pinky-finger crooked. "I promise."

I ignored the childish request to hook fingers. I crossed my arms instead to contain the reality I was about to expose myself. "On Tuesday, I went to the museum with Jamal."

"That's nice, but—" He gripped my bicep. "Jamal is the guy? My Jamal?"

I nodded.

"Holy. Shit." Noah took a few paces away from me and then came back. "You've got the hots for Jamal. I never in a million years …" Noah frowned at me. "Don't you dare hurt him."

I gave Noah a gentle shove. "Fuck right off. Why do you think I'm hesitating? I don't want to hurt him. I know my history. I know what kind of relationship I typically fall into."

"Was the museum a date?"

"No, we were just hanging out. We exchanged numbers at the wedding."

Noah worked on a few drinks. I left him to think.

"I won't say anything to him," he said.

"Thank you."

"Just promise me, you'll think this through before you do anything. The man is halfway to being in love with you already. Entirely my fault, but he really admires you."

"That's mutual." I glanced away and dried my hands, avoiding Noah's gaze.

"But you have concerns beyond whether he likes you that way."

"I feel like an asshole … but the paralysis is a big deal."

"That doesn't make you an asshole. You have valid concerns."

I clung to the bar towel. "Can he not feel anything ?"

"Maybe you should ask him that."

"Seems so intrusive. "

"If you move forward with him … you're going to need to talk about it."

And maybe that was the reality of it. I wasn't brave enough to move forward with Jamal. Moving forward meant aiming for a long-term relationship and I didn't know if I was capable.

"I have more thinking to do," I said.

"I'm glad you're taking this seriously."

"Jamal deserves every moment of thought I put into it."

Noah put his arm around my shoulders and tugged me to him. "I love you."

"Love you too." I elbowed Noah away and twirled the bar towel. He didn't manage to get away before I whipped his ass with it. "Hope that left a mark for your husband to inspect."

Noah grinned at me. "I'll ask him to be thorough in searching for it."

That right there. I wanted that. I wanted a guy I knew I was going home to at the end of the day. Someone who would welcome me and curl up in bed with me.

"Liam." Owen waved a hand in front of my face. "Where did you go?"

I hadn't even seen him step up to the bar.

I sighed "Just lots to think about. What can I get you?" Owen had gathered with a few of his real estate friends. They were becoming more raucous by the second. They were having fun.

Owen was beaming.

"A Moscow Mule would be perfect."

I set to work on it. "You guys celebrating something?"

"Yeah, we sold three massive properties this week."

"One of them yours?"

"Yup. Fifty-thousand big ones for me."

"Christ, that's almost more than I make in a year."

"It's the fifth sale like that I've made this year. "

"No wonder you're rolling in it."

I saw Chad cross the floor toward us. I hadn't seen him with the group. He arrived and slung his arm around Owen's shoulders. Owen cringed and pulled away.

"I thought you were spending the night with your husband," he said to Chad.

"Nah," Chad replied. "Decided it would be more fun to come down here and irritate you."

"Fucking great." Owen looked at me. "Are you finished making my drink?"

I set the copper cup on the bar mat in front of him. He grabbed it and took off back to his friends. Chad lingered, looking up at our assortment of whiskeys.

"Midleton Dair Ghaelach neat, please."

"Nice choice," I commented with words I used for everything a customer ordered. With a smile. The fact Chad annoyed Owen so much made both challenging.

I measured the amber liquid into a glass and plopped it down in front of him.

"That'll be $51.75."

I keyed in the sale and passed him the handheld. Of course, he had a Centurion Card. Not only was he a successful real estate agent, but he probably came from family money.

Chad lifted his glass. "How long have you known Owen?"

"What business is that of yours?"

"I'm just curious. You seem close. Have you ever dated?"

I crossed my arms. "Owen is like a brother to me. So, stop getting under his skin."

Chad smirked. "I get under his skin, do I?"

"Forget I said that."

"Too late." He turned from the bar and went to join the group of real estate agents.

"What did you do?" Noah asked from right behind me .

"I think I gave Chad fodder."

"Great work." He patted my shoulder, returned to the beer taps, and pulled one. I rolled my eyes and sighed. Owen was going to kill me. I'd never seen him get so worked up about someone competing with him. He usually welcomed a challenge.

I joined Noah at the taps. "When are we going to be receiving those Okanagan wines?"

That's where Noah and Brody had gone camping for their honeymoon. They'd spent a few nights near Kelowna on the west side of Okanagan Lake, and then a few nights in the desert of Oliver. Their trip had been focused on partaking in wine tours up and down the valley. Not that they could see them all. There were 186 licensed grape wineries in the Okanagan region.

"Next week."

"Can't wait to try some of them."

"I still think it's weird that you like wine." Noah made up a row of shafts and set them on the mat. "You know Jamal doesn't drink alcohol. It was a drunk driver who hit him."

My brow dipped. "I didn't know that." I didn't know anything about his accident and how he ended up in that wheelchair. Maybe someday, he would share his story with me.

I wanted that with him. To be that close.

Even if it was just as friends.

"For fuck's sake." I nearly bolted to my feet, but I didn't want to cause a scene. For some reason, Charlie had thought it would be a good idea to go out to dinner together.

Now I knew why.

He'd deliberately chosen a public place to ambush me.

I was three double scotches in. The conversation had started with how I was a terrible communicator. How I never told Charlie how I was feeling. He'd been dropping little crumbs of his emotional state to me recently. He wanted me to reciprocate. It felt strange. We weren't boyfriends. We'd established that much. I couldn't understand why he was acting like we were.

"It's the truth. We don't have sex anymore," he said, reiterating what he'd been berating me for over the last few agonizing minutes. "It's been almost two weeks now."

"And yet you continue to sleep at my place."

Charlie's jaw clenched, making the muscle jump. "Why are you shutting me out?"

I needed to tell him the truth. Or, at least, part of it. The full truth was I couldn't get Jamal off my mind. "Maybe I don't enjoy sex with you as much as I used to."

Charlie leaned back and crossed his arms. "Well, that's a start at least."

I motioned to the server to bring me another drink.

"I don't see that changing," I said.

"Have you found someone more fun to play with?"

"No, I've been laying low when it comes to hookups."

"Why? We never talked about not seeing other men."

And see, that was the arrangement. It was supposed to be casual between Charlie and me. But not only had I not fucked Charlie since Jamal and I first spoke, I hadn't fucked anyone else either.

I looked at Charlie. He was stunning in a very feminine way. We'd had fun, but now, I wanted it to be over. I didn't like to think I might be using him to avoid overwhelming loneliness.

Charlie deserved better than that.

"I've had other things on my mind." It was a cop-out answer, but I was tired, and I was drunk. My brain didn't want to process how I was going to end things with Charlie .

"Can we avoid making any decisions right now?" Charlie asked.

I nodded my head in agreement. "Can I spend tonight on my own?"

"If that's what you need."

It was. I needed to think. I took a cab home on my own. Alesia, my roommate, was in the living room. "Oh, good," she said. "You're home. I want to start this new series I found."

Alesia and I both loved British crime dramas. We had a special streaming service primarily for them. I kicked off my shoes and wandered in to take a seat beside her.

"How was dinner?" she asked.

I groaned and leaned my head back against the couch cushion. "He wanted to talk ."

"Oh dear."

"He was very clear at the beginning of the conversation. He is not my boyfriend, but he wants more from me as though I am. I'm so confused."

"You two have been arguing a lot more recently. I can hear the bickering in my room."

"Sorry about that."

"No worries. So, do you want to end things with him?"

I sighed. "I do, but I've become used to him being here."

"That's not a good base for a relationship."

"He doesn't want a relationship. That's one thing we agree on."

"Then what the hell are you doing? You're practically playing house with him."

I looked at Alesia. "We haven't had sex in a while."

"I noticed that too. You two are noisy when you're fucking." She touched my arm. "What's going on? No sex with Charlie and you haven't brought any hookups home."

I might as well tell her .

"I'm interested in a guy. Like really interested. He doesn't even know how I feel about him, but having sex with other men feels like I'm cheating on him."

Alesia's eyebrows arched. "Wow."

"I know. It's not like me, but he's special. I want to try everything with him. The whole emotional roller coaster of feelings. When I'm with him, he brings on intense feelings of affection I've never had with anyone before. Deep in my gut, I feel almost hopeful when I'm with him."

"You need to end things with Charlie."

I hung my head. "I know."

"You're afraid this guy won't feel the same as you?" Alesia rubbed my shoulders. "Liam … are you scared to be alone? Is that why you're hesitant to let Charlie go?"

I nodded. "I felt so alone as a kid. The foster homes I was placed in were never friendly places. Especially, not for a kid who looked like me. I honestly can't count the number of times I was called piggy by the other kids which morphed into pimply piggy as I got older."

"Kids are cruel."

Dampness collected in my eyes. These were painful memories. It churned up my gut to speak them aloud. "I would curl up in my bed at night, wishing I wasn't alone there."

Alesia exhaled. "Explains so much." She tugged me closer, hugged me, and put her head on my shoulder. "What's his name, this guy who has you so tied up in knots?"

"Jamal." I tipped my head onto hers. "He's kind and funny. And beautiful. And he's so smart. He has this adorable habit of sharing facts about random things."

"You have some thinking to do."

I took a deep breath and straightened up. "Not tonight. Tonight, I need to be distracted. What's the series you want to start?"

"A murder mystery set on Shetland Islands. "

"Perfect."

Alesia took my phone away from me to keep me from obsessing and not paying attention. We cozied up and watched the first two shows until I started nodding off. Aleisa turned off the television and nudged me into going to bed. As I lay bundled in my covers, I touched the pillow beside me, imaging Jamal being there, looking at me with those incredible eyes.

We'd cuddle close as we fell asleep.

Sunday night and I was almost late for the meeting of the Salish Sea Society . I hadn't been bartending at the pub tonight. I had the night off and I'd become overly engrossed at the gym, trying to exercise the spinning thoughts out of my mind. I knew I needed to make a decision.

I took a turn past the bar and poured myself a glass of orange juice.

Jamal didn't drink alcohol. I was going to try to do the same. My body would thank me if I remained sober. All the drinking I'd been doing had made my mind and body sluggish.

"Wet hair," Ethan commented. "Late night at the gym?"

I took my seat. "I needed to concentrate on something other than the men in my life."

"Well, that sounds interesting," Owen said. "What's up?"

"Charlie is sending me mixed signals. Pushing for things I'm not prepared to give him."

"He wants a proper relationship?" Ethan asked.

I shook my head. "No, he's been very clear he doesn't want me as a boyfriend."

"Then what does he want?"

"I think he wants me to act like his boyfriend. He says I'm not good at communicating. That I need to work on that. And then there's the fact we're not having sex anymore."

Owen choked on his drink. "I'm sorry … what?"

I needed to share what I was feeling with the group .

"I met someone. Knowing he's out there … I don't want to touch Charlie or anyone else."

"So, you're celibate right now?" Ethan asked. "Waiting for this guy?"

"He's worth waiting for," Noah said.

"You know who it is?" Owen asked Noah.

"It's Jamal," I blurted. "We hung out two weeks ago and he captivated me."

"I saw you talking to him at the wedding," Ethan said. "Didn't think anything of it."

"Well, there was something there," I replied.

"What do you think about this, Noah?" Owen asked.

"You all know how I feel about Jamal," Noah said. "Liam and I have spoken about it."

"You need to break things off with Charlie," Ethan said.

"I know." I sighed. "Tomorrow. I'll do it tomorrow."

"And then you'll go after Jamal?" Owen replied.

"Not yet. Right now, I'm enjoying becoming his friend. I don't want to risk the relationship we're building by muddying the whole thing with feelings I'm not sure he shares."

"I've got to say … I'm surprised by all this, Liam," Owen said.

"Me too, believe me." I took a long sip of my orange juice. Noah watched me drinking it. He probably thought I had vodka in it. He was going to be surprised I was trying for sobriety.

"Daniel and I had sex in the woods," Ethan said, his eyes projecting excitement.

Okay, we were taking a hard left.

"We were out hiking one of the trails down to Witty's Lagoon. Watching his firm ass amble down the path heated me up. My cock was so hard."

"You couldn't contain it until you got home?" Owen responded .

"No. We hiked off the trail up into the trees until we were out of sight. But the risk was still there that someone might come across or hear us."

Owen set his glass down on the table too hard. "Jeezus, Ethan."

"He stripped my lower half and pushed my chest against a tree. He was so fast and furious that I had trouble staying quiet. I wouldn't be surprised if someone heard us grunting."

"Lube?" I asked.

"He jerked me off first. We used my cum."

"Ew," Owen said.

"You two are so weird," Noah said.

Ethan smiled. "We're fun."

"Whatever you want to call it," I said. "I think it's hot."

"Can I talk about the wine tours we went on?" Noah interrupted. "Or is that too tame?"

"No," Owen said, "I want to hear more about them." Noah had filled me in already. The whole trip had sounded very romantic. It was the kind of experience I wanted to share with Jamal.

Noah spoke about each winery they'd gone to and the antics of the drag queen leading one of the tours in Kelowna. The guys had a lot of questions about the scenery. Neither of them had ever been to the Okanagan. I'd gone to university there and earned my Bachelor of Arts degree.

The only thing I'd utilized from it so far was my ability to occasionally read people and figure out what was making them tick. A benefit of taking so many psychology courses.

As for Jamal. I wasn't sure I was reading him correctly. Noah had confirmed he had an appreciation for me already. But what did that mean? Was he interested in more?

We broke for the night, and I went home to find Charlie there .

"I hope you don't mind," he said. "I wanted to be here when you got home." He sidled up to me and stepped in close against my chest. He ran his hand into my hair and set his lips on mine.

I moved back from him, breaking the contact before his intention turned into a kiss. "I don't want to do this." I lowered his hand away from my neck.

"Fuck, Liam!" Charlie threw his arms wide. "What the hell is going on with you?"

"I can't fuck you anymore."

"But that's our thing. The hot angry sex. Remember?"

"Then maybe we're done."

"Are you breaking up with me?"

"We were never together, Charlie. Even you said that. It was only supposed to be sex."

Charlie placed his hands on his hips. "Maybe it became more than sex for me."

I tipped my head as I stared at him. "You said it hadn't."

"I lied."

"Fuck, Charlie." I turned away from him and paced the room. "I don't feel the same way. You know that. I was very clear about that. So were you."

"I hoped you'd change your mind over time."

"I haven't."

"So … that's it?"

"It's time we brought it to an end, Charlie. I'm sorry."

Charlie sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. "It's late. Can I stay here?"

I was too emotionally exhausted to argue with him. When I joined him under the covers in bed, he snuggled close to me, and put his head on my chest, his hand on my stomach.

For the first time ever, he wanted to cuddle.

I stroked his hair. "I'm sorry, Charlie. I really am. "

"I get it. You're not feeling it, but I need you to hold me tonight. One last night."

"I can do that." I wrapped my arm around him and hugged him tightly against me. His breathing evened out and softened as he fell asleep.

The feel of Charlie in my arms felt like closure.

We were done.