Chapter Sixteen | Jamal

I remained at the doorway to the weight room, watching as Liam worked with the youth. He was so good with them. So supportive and capable. My heart ached for him.

I reminded myself I ended what we had to keep Liam from being hurt. I retreated and rolled to my office. I was finishing coding some invoices when Liam appeared at my door.

The devastated muscle in my chest threw itself into overdrive. I wanted to go to him. Run my fingers through his abundant sexy hair and caress my lips onto his.

Liam released a shaky exhalation. "Can we be friends?" Time passed. He rubbed the back of his neck with one hand. He was anxious. I couldn't stand to disappoint him any further.

I needed to be near him.

"How would that work?" I asked.

"I don't know. We could hang out. Maybe go for a run together."

That would be safe enough. An outdoor activity. I couldn't trust myself to be in private with Liam. My body and mind yearned desperately for him.

"I'd like that. When do you have in mind?"

Liam's shoulders visibly relaxed. "Tomorrow afternoon? I don't have to be at work until five."

"Where?"

"The trail along Dallas Road. We could meet at the sundial at 2 pm. "

"I'll be there." I nodded and Liam turned to leave. "Wait." He faced me again. "Thanks for what you said when you responded to that dickhead follower of yours. I appreciate it."

"You read the comments on my posts?"

"Of course."

Liam furrowed his brow. "He had no right to say that about you. You're not gimpy." His chest heaved up and down. I could sense he wanted to say more but was restraining himself.

I knew what those next words would've been. He would have called me beautiful.

I had to fight hard to keep fresh tears from spilling.

At my core, I knew it was going to be painful to meet with Liam. I fixed my gaze on him as he left my office. The only thing I could deny that man was my love. It was the second most painful thing I'd ever done. The first was the shove I'd given Richard that resulted in him falling.

The sight of blood matting his curly blond hair was a constant in my nightmares.

There was a light mist in the air, but the sea was calm, no wind. I rolled back and forth in my customized all-terrain wheelchair to calm myself. I wasn't sure what to expect from today.

Liam came jogging toward me. I knew he lived somewhere in the James Bay neighbourhood, but I didn't even know his address. We'd always met at my place.

His expression was sombre. The light was gone from his eyes. No smile.

"You ready?" is all he said to me.

"Lead the way. I'll keep up."

Liam started slow but then realized the plodding pace was actually more difficult for me, so he sped up. We made our way down the paved section and then veered off onto a gravel trail. I had to dig harder to keep up, but my shoulders, arms, and hands were strong and capable.

He stopped looking back over his shoulder at me, realizing I wasn't going to fall behind. I was surprised when after fifteen minutes, he slowed and took a seat on a bench overlooking the cliff.

I parked beside him. "You running out of steam?" I smiled at him.

"I want to talk."

My chest tightened. It was a conversation that was going to happen sooner or later. I'd known that when I'd agreed to go running with him. I hadn't let it deter me from being here with him.

"About what?"

Liam looked over his shoulder at me. "Us. I thought we had a good thing."

"I told you why I wanted to end where we were going."

"You told me it was because there were things about you I would never understand. I can't even comprehend what that would be." He sighed. "I promised myself I wasn't going to do this."

My chest rocked up as I breathed in. "You have every right to question me."

Liam turned in his seat to face me. "Did you think I would dump you someday because of your disability? Is that why you wanted to pull away first?"

I put my hand on his. "I know you would never do that to me."

"Then fuck." Liam pulled his hand away. "Am I that unlovable?"

Tears rimmed my bottom lids. Liam thought this was his fault. That I'd made up an excuse to get away from him. His conclusion was the furthest thing from the truth .

"You're not unlovable, Liam." I looked down at my hands. I couldn't look up and see the potential hope in his eyes. This wasn't us getting back together.

"Then what? Did I do something to upset you? I have no idea how to participate in a healthy relationship but I'm desperate to learn if it means keeping you in my life."

I wiped a tear off my cheek.

It felt as if my soul was being dragged through broken glass for a second time. The man I loved was practically begging me to take him back. And I had to turn him down—again.

"This wasn't a good idea," I said. "I don't think we can be friends."

I backed away from the bench. I had to make a quick retreat after Liam lifted his head to look at me. His face was covered in tears. My vision was blurry as I made my way back to my car.

It took me a while to compose myself enough to drive. I couldn't go back to work at the youth centre. I called one of my volunteers and asked them to lock up for me at the end of the day.

I headed straight home and hid in my room. I tried to nap but the churning pit in my stomach wouldn't let up. My insides were being destroyed. I was in love. A state of being I hadn't believed would ever be possible for me again. I'd resigned myself to the possibility, I would be alone for the rest of my life. No man would want someone physically and emotionally damaged.

Liam, in his actions and words, had proved he wanted and needed me regardless.

And I'd pushed him away.

My life felt entirely over once again. What Richard and I had been building had been disassembled by my accident and how I'd reacted. And this time, once again, it was my fault .

Reluctantly, I emerged for dinner.

"Jamal," Mamma said at the table and touched my hand. "Is everything all right?"

"I'm not seeing Liam anymore."

"Oh?"

"We tried going back to being friends, but it was too hard for both of us."

"I'm sorry."

I looked up and down the table at my family. My dad and grandparents made no notice of my misery. Meera frowned at me. She could tell I was hurting. David and Zahir simply looked puzzled.

Dadi stunned me.

"Where's your lovely friend, Liam? He hasn't been home for dinner in a while."

I couldn't answer her. Home . It was her mild dementia mixing her words, but she was right, Liam should be here. He should be here every night with us. He'd become part of my family.

I propelled myself abruptly away from the table and headed for the staircase. For the first time in a long time, I felt like throwing myself down them. Maybe the spinal cord injury would be complete this time if I succumbed to the urge to rocket off the edge. I teetered at the top of the stairs, my hands gripping the wheels, my fingers poised to try and increase my pain.

Because I deserved it.

I shuddered and started sobbing.

That damned car should have killed me. I could have avoided so much emotional torture.

"Fuck!" I beat the air with my fists, then rolled back from the top of the stairs. I transferred onto the chairlift and shoved my wheelchair, sending it crashing to the ground floor .

With any luck, it would be damaged; ripped apart, and shredded like my heart.

My family came running.

"Oh, my god, what's going on with you?" Meera clung to my shoulders.

I swept her away from me. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Jamal."

"Not now, Meera."

David ran down the stairs and lifted my chair to put it back on its wheels. Mamma had her mouth covered, crying. I'd terrified her. I hadn't meant to do that to her.

I'd been selfish.

My only excuse—I was existing in a whole new level of anguish.

"Back right wheel's bent," David reported. "I'll get your old chair from the garage."

I nodded and rode the chairlift to the bottom of the stairs. I slung my arms around David's neck as he lifted and carried me to my bedroom. Thankfully, he didn't ask me what was wrong.

He deposited me on my bed.

I leaned against my headboard and stared at my phone.

Liam.

I can't live without him.

And I couldn't live without knowing. Without knowing if Liam still wanted to be with me after I told him what I'd done. Without knowing if Liam might be capable of loving me.

I selected his name on my phone and listened to it ring.

"I thought we were finished," he answered.

"Liam, I haven't told you everything. If you decide we're finished after I do … I'll accept it. But right now, I'm finding it impossible to let you go. You're wrapped too tight around my heart."

I could hear Liam swallow .

I continued. "I have a past you don't know about. I've told you about Richard, but I never told you why we broke up. Not really. Yes, we drifted, but there was more to it than that."

After clearing my throat, I carried on. "I was angry after my accident. Angry I'd lost the use of my legs. Angry that the car hadn't killed me. My despair sometimes boiled into vicious rage, and I used to lash out. Mostly at those whom I loved. I guess they were an easy target.

"Richard was a saint and he took a lot of crap from me. I treated him horribly, Liam, I was so wrapped up in my own mourning. It never occurred to me he was mourning too. Our life as we'd known it was over. Our hopes, our dream of children, everything … it all seemed over."

I scrubbed tears off my face. My story would be more difficult from here.

"I was being torn apart by anguish and I was so furious at the world, I started abusing Richard. First verbally … and then hitting him and ramming him with my wheelchair. He took it. He loved me and just took it. Most days I didn't even feel guilty. I wanted him to hate me. It infuriated me even more that he didn't hate me. I didn't deserve him. I didn't deserve anyone.

"The night before he left me, I shoved him. I shoved him with so much force he fell over and cracked his head on the edge of the dresser in our bedroom. He had to go to the hospital. He needed twenty stitches and had a slight concussion. The police pressed charges against me when Richard told them what I'd done. What I'd been doing to him. He'd had enough."

Liam remained silent but I could hear him breathing.

"I was found guilty of domestic assault and received three months probation."

Liam cleared his throat. "Why didn't you tell me all this before now? "

"I didn't want to lose you as a friend. And then we became more, and I was terrified—"

"That what? I'd take off? Don't you think that should have been my decision?"

My heart pattered as I formulated my words. "What would you have decided?"

Liam sighed. "That I'd need to think about it."

It felt as though my chest caved in. "Fair."

There was more I needed to tell Liam if I wanted to be completely truthful with him. "Your birth father came to see me. He threatened to expose me."

"Are you fucking serious? Is that why you're telling me all this?"

Liam sounded angry.

"No, but that's why I broke up with you. He told me I needed to back away from you. I didn't want you to find out from him and feel like I betrayed you. I didn't know what else to do."

"You could have come to me, Jamal."

He was right. From the start, we'd been open with one another. For some reason, I hadn't trusted Liam with this. I'd made a monumental mistake. "I know that now. I'm sorry."

Liam grunted. "I need to go, but thanks for telling me all of that. I'm sure it was hard for you."

"It was."

"Just give me some time. It's a lot to process."

"I understand."

"Bye, Jamal."

"Bye, Liam."

My eyelashes fluttered and decorated my cheeks further with tears as I ended the call and lay my phone on my chest. It was done. I'd told him everything.

It felt like the goodbyes we'd shared would be our last.

I'd lost him.