Chapter Fifteen | Liam

It was my second time at the gym today. The first had been at five in the morning after my eight-kilometre run that had turned into an all-out sprint near the end. Now it was two in the afternoon, and I was back at it, wanting to obliterate yesterday's call with Jamal.

His words haunted me.

I need time to think.

I loaded up the leg press. My thighs were already burning from running, but I wanted to punish myself. I had let my inner self believe Jamal felt the same about me as I felt about him.

I'd been delusional.

Jamal had tried to let me down easily by putting the blame on himself. Taken on the responsibility for the relationship ending. I knew better. The patterns of my life had repeated.

There are things you don't know about me you'd never understand.

Those words had been more telling than any of the others. He didn't think I could accept his disability in our relationship. That I'd always see his limitations as a barrier.

That he believed the wheelchair would make a difference to me.

I pushed hard against the metal plate with my feet.

I'd spent the past twenty years chasing beauty. Exploited myself for likes. Used descriptions and comments to confirm my followers' beliefs that I was hollow. Jamal had been privy to what was ultimately my degradation. I was obsessed with selling myself .

And that was the truth of the matter.

Jamal had been right to push me away.

Guys like me didn't have the maturity or intelligence to engage in a meaningful relationship. We cruised along, skimming off the top. Only giving our full attention to those we deem worthy.

Usually, the hottest, most shallow guy in the room.

I wasn't good enough for someone like Jamal.

And he had figured that out.

I finished my workout, aching all over. I decided to spend some time in the sauna, soothing my muscles. I stripped down in the change room and wrapped a towel around my waist.

There was only one other guy in the sauna.

Muscular and sexy.

He eyed me up and down and smiled.

Out of habit, I sat hip-to-hip with him. My body vibrated when he put his hand on my thigh. And not in a good way. I brushed his hand away and hustled out of the stifling room.

Jamal.

I didn't want him off my mind. I wanted to remember every moment we'd spent together. Even if he didn't believe in me. No one was ever going to take me seriously—I knew that.

Not today, but soon, I'd leap back into the carnal pool of men.

Where I belonged.

I was early, but I headed to work at the pub. I needed to distract myself. After checking in with the afternoon bartenders, I found Noah in his office.

I slumped into the only other chair in the room aside from his. It was a ratty old thing that used to be out on the floor of the pub. The final nail in its coffin—a tear in the fabric.

"You're early." Noah looked up from his papers at me. "What's wrong? "

There was no point in dancing around. "Jamal cut me loose."

Noah frowned and set his pen down. "What happened?"

I sighed. "Where to begin."

"At the beginning."

"Okay. He said there are things about himself that I would never understand."

"What did he mean by that?"

"He wouldn't clarify. But it's obvious."

Noah shifted in his chair and leaned his arms on his desk. "What is?"

I needed Noah's opinion because I knew what mine was. Just for clarification. "Do I come across as someone who would dump Jamal because he's disabled?"

"Honestly. Outward appearances—yes. But I know you on the inside."

"And what do you see on the inside?"

"A kind, caring, generous, and intelligent man with abundant love to give."

"Nice words, but do you think he thinks I'm shallow?"

"If he thought you were, Jamal never would have become your boyfriend. He's very cautious. In all the years I've known him, he's only gone out on a few dates."

"I worried I'm not good enough for him."

"Why on earth would you think that? You're plenty good enough for him. Any man would be lucky to have someone as incredible as you. You need to believe that."

I sighed. That was Noah's honest opinion. And I trusted him with my life.

Maybe I'd been too hard on myself.

Fuck.

I covered my face and propped my head in my hands.

"I think I might be in love with him."

"What are you going to do about it? "

"He said he needs time to think. I'm going to give him that."

"Don't wait too long. Every moment you have with him could be precious."

I emerged from my hands. "I know."

Now, I felt as ill as if I had lost my best friend in the world. And that was no longer Noah. I wanted Jamal back in my life. I wasn't sure how patient I could be.

I was so distraught; I didn't care what I was eating. Alesia had suggested we make ginger beef and stir-fried rice. I'd agreed and picked up what we needed from the grocery store on my way home from the gym. The dish included cornstarch-covered beef, sweet sauce, and rice.

My body wasn't going to know what hit it.

I set a small paper bag on the counter as well. Along with the groceries, I'd made a quick pass through the liquor store. Inside the bag was a bottle of Canadian Club.

I needed to drown the sense of loss eating me up.

Alesia started with the beef, cutting it into strips. I filled and turned on the rice cooker and took some frozen peas out of the freezer. Once the rice was cooked, I would fry both in oil. Our wok had enough oil heating in it to fry the beef. We could pull it all together in thirty minutes.

I leaned against the counter, waiting for the rice to cook. I poured my first shot of whiskey. There would be many more. Alesia raised an eyebrow at me.

"Jamal dumped me." I threw the shot back.

"What did you do?"

"Thanks a lot, Alesia. I'll have you know things were going great."

"And he gave you a shove back into the friend zone?"

I poured another shot. "Not even sure that's where we've ended up. "

Alesia finished cutting the last of the beef strips, dumped them into the bowl filled with cornstarch, and began coating them. "Is that what you want? To go back to being friends."

"No, I want the us we were building."

"Do you love him?"

"I thought I was falling for Jamal before he broke it off with me." I exhaled and stared up at the ceiling. I blinked a few times and tears rolled down my cheeks. "I do … I love him."

"What are you going to do about it?"

That was the second time someone had said that to me. I didn't know the answer other than to stay in his sphere. I couldn't imagine not having Jamal in my life.

I was scheduled to go into the youth centre tomorrow to help some kids in the weight room. I'd make a point of seeing Jamal. Maybe having me in front of him would change his mind.

That sounded so sad. I was in love with the man and that was the best I could do.

I threw back my second shot.

After dinner, I went to my room and checked my social media accounts, bottle in hand. The photo Ethan had taken at the beach with me in my wetsuit hadn't been deleted by the platform for going against community guidelines and had over 1200 likes. The comments were numerous.

There were the usual followers.

diggerdog24: OMG! I'm dying! water spurting emoji

cameoslut156: I want to know where this beach is! flame emoji

sausagemonster67 : Those dimples! Want to stick my tongue in them! tongue emoji

Then there were my followers who liked to tear me down. I poured myself another shot before I allowed myself to continue reading the comments.

juggerwatcher11: Aren't you too old to be surfing ?

darkhorse189 : When did your ass get so fat?

porcelindick89: Did your gimpy boyfriend get some sense and dump you?

That last one really hurt. Not because they were right about Jamal ditching me but because they had called Jamal gimpy. The man I loved was the most capable person I'd ever met.

I started typing.

@porcelindick89, you have no idea what you're talking about. He's not gimpy. He is the most amazing human being ever. You could never in a million years deserve someone as good as him.

porcelindick89: Then it makes sense why he rolled away from you.

I laid my head back on my pillow and slipped back into my negative thinking.

Maybe Noah was biased in his opinion of me.

The truth was, I wasn't the kind of guy men fell in love with. And even if one did … I'd blow it up. Become complacent. End up leaning back into my obsession. Ignoring my partner in preference to my phone. Annoy the hell out of him until he walked out on me.

I had no idea how to contribute to a healthy relationship. I'd seen so few of them. Watching Noah and Brody, I'd seen the give and take it took for them to maintain what they had together.

I closed my eyes. I'd cut way back on my posting since I started with Jamal.

Maybe I could change.

No.

It was imprinted on my soul now—my shallowness. My life was self-absorbed, and I didn't want Jamal to be sucked into that emptiness with me.

I would not attempt to change his mind.

I needed to protect him—from me.

I loved him too much to do anything else.