Chapter Seventeen | Liam

The dinner table at Noah and Brody's was animated with conversation, bantering, and teasing zipping back and forth. This was a happy home. My best friend and his husband had created something amazing. I looked down at my slice of pot roast. I wanted a home with someone.

Jamal.

I wanted the whole blissful package with Jamal.

Quinn nudged me. "Are you going to sing tonight?"

I smirked at hir. "That's strictly a car trip practice of mine. Acoustics are good."

"Then can you pick us up from school tomorrow?"

I looked at Noah for permission. He shrugged his shoulders. That was a yes . "I can do that. Have some songs picked out to sing together."

Rowan groaned. "As long as you sing the right words."

I laughed. "I can't promise anything."

That received an eye roll from the grumpy teenager. "Just my luck … my guncle is annoying."

Noah smiled at me. There was love in his eyes. The warm feeling didn't reach my heart as much as it used to. His was the love of a friend. It wasn't as intense as the way Jamal looked at me.

Was that love I saw in his eyes?

I played with my mashed potatoes and ate a mouthful. I appreciated the buttery and garlicky taste of them. I usually didn't make it this far around my plate. I'd backed off on how strict I was with myself when it came to food. The opinions of my followers had become less relevant.

Jamal would never judge me or my body. I meant more to him than that. My chest heaved up and down. I had no way of knowing that for sure. I had no idea how he felt about me.

Other than the way he looked at me.

"How's work?" I asked Brody, needing to distract myself.

"I have a full compliment of cases. Been keeping me busy."

"Anything interesting?"

Brody smirked. "Yes, but nothing I can discuss. We haven't gone to trial yet."

"So, it's going to make the papers?"

This time Brody laughed softly, a rarity. "Oh, yeah. Definitely."

"Send me a link when the story comes out."

"Will do."

"Can I go now?" Rowan had finished everything on his plate. He'd even taken seconds. His body was responding well to the male hormones he was taking. He was filling out.

"Go ahead," Noah said. "I'll bring dessert down to the family room."

Quinn pushed hir plate away and joined Rowan to thunder down the stairs to the basement. With them occupied out of earshot, I could openly discuss what was bothering me.

"You have something on your mind," Noah said to me, he knew me so well.

"Jamal."

"What's the latest?"

"He finally told me why he broke up with me."

"And it wasn't what you thought."

I shook my head. "It really was about him. And how he thought I'd react. He's left the decision to get back together or not in my court and I'm struggling. "

Noah frowned. "Can you share the reason?"

I sighed. "Some of it. It's not my story to tell."

Brody took that as a cue to leave Noah and me alone. He cleared the table of dirty dishes and went into the kitchen. He'd still be able to hear if he tried. I suspected he wouldn't.

"After his accident," I said, "Jamal was angry at everything … everyone." I didn't want to lay it out in detail, but this next part was important. "He became abusive."

Noah's eyebrows rose. "Jamal? Seriously? Did he hurt someone?"

I looked down at my hands. I'd known Noah might figure it out.

I nodded.

"Wow, that's unbelievable. Jamal is the least aggressive person I know. He's a kitten."

"Kittens have claws and bad attitudes."

"True. Then he's like a fluffy bunny."

I huffed out a snort. "I can get behind that. The man calls me sweet but he's the sweet one. What happened … he explained it as being in a kind of anguished mourning."

"I can see that. Not sure how I'd react to losing my ability to walk."

I looked up at Noah. "I think it was a perfect storm of negative emotions that caused Jamal to act like he did. After thinking about it, his past anger issues aren't causing me concern anymore."

"Then what's holding you back from reuniting with him?"

"Erik visited him and threatened him. Told Jamal if he didn't break up with me, he was going to tell me what happened in Jamal's past. Threatened to expose him to me."

"How the hell would Erik know about Jamal's past?"

"That's the part I don't want to talk about. "

Noah exhaled long and hard and stared at me with his head cocked. "You think Jamal never would have told you if Erik hadn't threatened him? Is that what's going on?"

This was where I was struggling. "He broke up with me rather than tell me himself. Did he not trust me? Our relationship so far has been one of open communication."

"But he did tell you."

"After he broke up with me. Why tell me at all?"

"Because he wants you back, Liam. Sounds like he lay his heart on the floor in front of you. You can either pick it up and cherish it or you can stomp on it."

That last visual made my chest ache.

Noah came around to my side of the table, hugged me, held my head, and kissed my hair. "You love him. You have some thinking to do but I've never seen you like this before. Jamal must be a special guy to have my favourite gay playboy considering retirement."

"Fuck off." I leaned my head against Noah's chest and soaked in the love.

"Do we want dessert in here?" Brody asked from behind us.

I sniffed and tried to peer up at him from Noah's sweater. "What is it?"

"Ethan made some double-chocolate, walnut brownies for us," Brody replied. "I was going to heat them and put a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top."

I groaned. "Gawd. Go ahead … hit me up with some of that."

Noah held me away from his body and looked down at me. "You feeling all right?"

"There's more to life than pleasing strangers. Not going to disregard all I've achieved or anything. Just going to ease off a little. It's more important to share moments with family."

Noah smirked. "By eating brownies and ice cream. "

I pulled away from Noah and smiled at him. "Exactly."

As we dug into the chocolatey treat, I thought about Jamal's family. They'd be sitting around their dinner table right now, enjoying a meal together. I ached to be there with Jamal at my side.

I found a quiet seat and stared up at the two indigenous totem poles in the First People's Living Languages Gallery of the Royal BC Museum.

Jamal had filled me in a lot of information when it came to the ancestral lands of the Songhees and Esquimalt nations where Victoria, BC was settled. How the l?k?????n People hunted and gathered here for thousands of years. How when Captain James Douglas anchored off Clover Point in 1842, he saw the result of the l?k?????n People's careful land management, such as controlled burning and food cultivation. They had been at one with nature.

He told me about the Seven Signs of the l?k?????n traditional territory. Created in 2008, the Signs of l?k?????n consist of seven unique site markers that designate culturally significant sites to the Songhees and Esquimalt Nations along the Inner Harbour and surrounding areas.

He'd gone on. At 2.5 metres high and weighing close to 1000 pounds, the markers depicted spindle whorls that were traditionally used by Coast Salish women to spin wool and were considered to be the foundation of a Coast Salish family.

Family.

I increasingly yearned for it. Noah and his family represented everything I wanted in my life now. But only if Jamal was in it. I loved that man with every element of my soul.

I wrapped my arms around my chest and leaned forward, closing my eyes. The ambience in the room made it possible to think. If Erik hadn't threatened Jamal, would he have told me?

That was the only variable still causing me to remain undecided. Maybe Noah was right. Jamal hadn't needed to tell me after he broke up with me. The fact he had as part of his bid to get me back was telling. He needed me to know. He didn't want to go forward without me knowing.

Maybe he did love me.

I checked the time on my phone. The museum was about to close. I would have enough time to have a shower and make dinner before the Salish Sea Society meeting tonight.

Alesia wasn't going to be home. She was out on a date with a woman she met on one of the dating apps. She was hopeful. She'd spend a lot of time texting with this one beforehand.

Once I was at the pub, I poured myself a glass of sparkling water, added a lime slice, and tucked into my regular spot at our table. The other three wandered in and took their seats. The joyful exuberance in the snug emanating from them made me feel like melting into my seat and disappearing. I didn't stand to hug anyone. I probably shouldn't have come tonight.

For once, it wasn't Ethan who said he had news. He nudged Owen instead.

"Owen has something to share," Ethan said.

Owen groaned and rolled his eyes. "It's nothing."

"Did you find some husband material?" Noah asked.

"No," Owen replied. "Nothing like that." He spun his glass in place—stalling. "We had our annual office Christmas party last week, and I found myself alone in the washroom with Skylar."

"Who's Skylar?" I asked.

"Chad's husband."

"The one you didn't notice … like … at all," I teased .

"Believe me, I noticed. Never thought I was into femme guys, but—" Owen picked at the edge of his drink coaster. "We were in the washroom together and he came on to me—hard."

Okay, that snapped me out of my head for a moment.

"Like how?"

"Like pressed me into a bathroom stall and got all up on me."

"And?" I wanted to hear the rest of this story.

"Pressed his long black skirt-covered, thickening cock against my very shocked one and whispered a kiss onto the side of my neck."

"Not the best part," Ethan said.

"Don't tell me you dropped down on your knees for him," Noah added.

Owen finished the sip of beer he'd been taking. "God, no. But when we emerged from the washroom, Skylar and Chad had a visual exchange. Chad knew what Skylar had done to me. It's like they'd planned it. I'm positive it was another one of Chad's asshole moves to get to me."

"Or … Skylar is into you and Chad's all right with it," I suggested.

Owen shook his head. "Not a chance. They were working together to unhinge me."

"And are you?" Noah asked while smirking at Owen. "Unhinged?"

Owen sighed. "I haven't been able to stop thinking about Skylar. The guy is sexy as fuck."

"Liam is right," Ethan said. "Maybe Skylar and Chad have an open marriage and Skylar is into you. Chad might not be trying to mess you up. Maybe he wants his husband to be happy."

"I am not getting into bed with Chad's husband. Especially not if my doing so would make Chad happy as well as his husband. That prick isn't getting any gratification from me."

"Doesn't sound like a convincing final answer," I said, feeling soothed by a bit of normalcy. The banter was good. It was pulling my focus away from Jamal.

"What about you and Jamal?" Ethan asked me.

And I was pulled right back into it.

"We're not together anymore."

"The paralysis?" Owen asked.

I glared at him. "Fuck, no!" My ears heated as the level of my voice escalated. "That has nothing to do with it!" Owen had fucking pissed me off. "I don't care about his damned wheelchair! And you are a fucking asshole for thinking it would be an issue for me!"

Owen held up his hands. "Sorry. I assumed. I was wrong. I'm sorry."

Noah set his hand on my arm to calm me.

"What happened?" Ethan asked.

"He broke up with me, then days later told me stuff about himself." I gripped my glass. The condensation ran down my hand to my wrist. I was going to be as vague as possible. "He asked me to consider what he told me because he wants to get back together with me."

"What are you going to do?" Ethan replied, not pressing me to reveal more details.

I shook my head as tears pooled in my eyes. "I don't know." I shuddered through a breath and for the first time since I'd known any of these men, I ugly wept in front of them.

The sounds of my despair filled the snug.

"Shit." Noah leapt from his seat, came to me, and put his arm around my shoulders. Even to Noah, my breakdown would be unexpected. I'd kept so much of my sorrow locked down over my lifetime, after believing, as a child, no one cared. I'd put on a show of being someone who didn't display any emotions other than the love I shared with my three best friends.

My separation from Jamal was tearing me apart.

"I love him beyond what I ever thought possible," I managed through tear-dampened lips.

Ethan and Owen gathered around me, joining Noah in consoling me. Owen and I might have our differences, but none of them wanted to see me hurting.

And I was hurting.

I'd concluded that Jamal's delaying his admission was driven by fear. That shocked me. That he hadn't trusted me. I thought we'd been building something stronger than that.

I wasn't sure I could find my way around that.