6. Chapter 5

Kirian was right. They arrive bright and early in search of a wolf that they will never find. I watch through the library window as Goose and Kirian, followed by two others, make their way to the gate just as they did yesterday. I see Kirian search the area as they slow, first looking towards the garden.

His uniform lay neatly over his broad shoulders, tailored to fit him perfectly, no doubt. When the sun hits the metal pins on his left side, they flash golden light. As he approaches, his eyes scan over the entrance before searching the windows. I drop to the ground, hitting the hard surface with a thud. Then, crawl to the side to remain unseen, grateful for the empty hallways and vacant rooms.

As I stand wiping the dust from my shirt and straightening my suspenders, I think of all the ways this day could go wrong. I prepare myself, ignoring the Shadows that peer at me from beneath the cracked banister, and walk to the door to greet Kirian. I"m grateful that he is too far away to see inside. I take the precaution of opening the door only enough to squeeze through before closing it quickly behind me.

I start to understand why my sisters would have the servants clean for hours on end before guests arrived. As I stand on the steps before me, about to take the first, I realize that it"s been a very long time since I"ve used my own front door.

"May we use your stables, Miss Katsia Luz?" he says over the short distance. Hearing him use my full name unsettles me, perhaps because I did not hear it often by others.

Lupita called me Kat, mostly, and my sisters and brother were not fond of me using their last name since my Father was not biologically mine.

I"m still getting used to how people communicate, having only heard conversations from a distance.

Does he address everyone that way? I wonder, my eyebrows involuntarily scrunching together at the thought. The same smile from yesterday when I laughed at the name of his horse takes up his whole face—the kind of smile that makes you want to smile too, but I don"t.

"Yes, of course." I point to the stables and walk with him while he leads the horses. Although the walk is not far, it feels like an eternity in our silence.

Unaware of Kirian"s watchful eyes, I throw a small bale of hay from the corner into the stall. Then, I give Goose a good scratch under the chin. When I finally look at Kirian, he has a curious look on his face. He glances between me and the hay that Goose and the other horses now enjoy before shoving his hands in his pockets and averting his eyes.

For a moment, his actions confuse me, then I begin to understand as I dust off my dirty hands. Women are probably not meant to throw hay in such a manner. My face becomes warm, and I remind myself to be careful of my actions around strangers. I guess I got so used to it, doing everything myself, there were no men to throw hay for me, nor did I want there to be. I"ve never wanted to appear pretty or act as though I am weaker than I really am for the sake of being ladylike, the concept lost on me until now.

Gaining an understanding of my sisters" choices as I stand in front of Kirian, I feel shame for not learning the ways in which to be a lady around men. This feeling is foreign as if I don"t belong in my own skin. I suddenly want to get far away from Kirian, fearing he will learn about just how little I know, and I can"t bear it. The look, the one that people gave to Father and my siblings when they would tell of Mother"s death.

Kirian checks the structure of the lock, giving the gate a good shake. He looks at me and nods as he turns to leave. Now is your chance. Tell him the truth.

"Kirian," I say. He stops, turning towards me on his heels. "I have to-, "I start to say again, but it comes out too quiet, then not all, as the words get caught in my throat. I have to tell you that the wolf you"re looking for doesn"t exist. The words are right there. I just can"t make myself say them.

All my confidence in the decision to tell Kirian everything is disappearing rapidly. He still stands there patiently as he waits for me to continue. I play with a strand of my hair nervously. I could tell him everything, right now. I"m afraid. I"ve always been afraid, and this time, it"s no different. He wouldn"t believe me anyway. Still, I try once more, "I—"but the words do not come.

"Is everything okay?" he asks, but his voice seems so far away, like a dream.

"Yes. It"s nothing." I swallow the knot in my throat, and when I open my mouth to speak once more, to tell Kirian to be on his way, to search for the wolf that doesn"t exist, just when I was about to let another lie fall from my mouth, another voice from behind Kirian speaks instead.

"The youngest Bear. Kirian, it"s nice to see you again." My jaw feels like it might fall from my face as Kirian spins around. He sticks his arm into the air straight, the proper gentleman, as he greets my Father with a handshake. Father"s face is hidden from me as I stand behind the soldier, and I almost prefer to stay that way. Kirian is large enough that I cannot see around him without leaning to the side. I can barely look Father in the eye as I brave a few steps to stand at Kirian"s side, hoping he doesn"t notice the surprised look on my face or the fact that I am shaking.

My Father looks well, better than he did even all those years ago before he slowly became what I would refer to as skeletal. Hunched over and dragging his feet as he barely got one foot in front of the other. He must be on a healthy diet of lamb.

His cheeks are no longer hollow, and although he limps slightly, he can obviously get around fine. His hair grays at the sides, his thin lips and white stubble surrounding them make it obvious that he has not been taking care of himself, a job that I am assuming went to Adriel.

Around Thorn Row Father is known as a kind man, a man of his word, trustworthy even. All the things that I would use to describe the opposite of my Father.

Father leans against a cane as he shifts his eyes to meet mine, disgusted by my presence. Not only is this the first time that I"m seeing Father after his crippled animal body collapsed at my feet. It"s also the first time I"ve seen Father in almost eight years, truly seeing him up close. I was not allowed in his part of the castle, and when I did see him, it was from a distance. His back turned or his figure on a horse as he disappeared down the road.

He would often retire early in a drunken stupor after one of Medla and Adriel"s parties. That"s when I would have my fun, walking freely through the castle, knowing I could not be caught. One thing is for sure, wherever he was, I was not.

It wasn"t until a few years later, just when I had mastered elusiveness within the castle, did Father fall ill. That made things much easier until now.

"Katsia told me you were searching the West Forest." Father bellows. I certainly did not tell him that. "You know, all kinds of wild things are running around these woods lately." Father runs his eyes over me, from ill-fitting boots to unruly black hair. He"s, of course, talking about me.

I feel nauseated, my head feels light, and the air seems to be thinning again. Kirian glances in my direction from the corner of his eye. Standing before Father and Kirian, I feel small. Like Stone will soon open up, and I will be swallowed by the dirt itself.

Kirian takes a step towards Father and pulls him away from the stables—away from me. My body still shakes, and my feet seem stuck to the ground, unmoving. I watch the two men walk out of sight, exchanging meaningless conversation about the weather. Move, I shout within the confines of my own head. Move, you idiot.

My ears ring, and the Shadows seem to be reaching for me as if I may fall without them there as a crutch to hold me up. I finally manage to turn towards Goose, who meets my eyes with what I can only assume is understanding. Then, I take one more proper look behind me to ensure they have truly left.

Were they there at all?My mind plays tricks on me, but no, this is all too real. I wish it weren"t. I wish it wasn"t magic, and it actually was an illness of mine, one that would explain away the beast and Father and the woman with a third eye.

There is a tug at my sleeve. It pulls me, beckoning me, I snatch my arm up to my chest to get away from its grip. All the Shadows that occupied the dark corners of these stables no longer cling to the walls. They do not speak but move in a way that begs me to follow them. Not now, please, not now. Pushing my way through the ever-growing Shadows, I take large strides and head for a clearing in the east, leaving them behind, all of them, the Shadows, the men, the horses, all their eyes on me at all times.

The run leaves me breathless.

When I fall to my knees, dread takes over, my mind and body. My stomach begins to stir. I can"t keep it in anymore. I heave up my breakfast. Then, when there is nothing left, I continue, heaving until my throat dries, my middle becomes sore, and my head pounds.

Here I stay until day turns to night and the stars appear above. The cool of night dances on my skin as the sun falls over the mountain. I"ve spent many nights in this exact spot. Those nights were much warmer, so I hold my knees to my chest to keep the heat.

The Shadows must have taken the hint because even as darkness surrounds me, they remain silent and unmoving.

I do not need to be there to know what will happen. Kirian will not find his wolf, and Father will not give him any reason to believe that he is anything but a man on the mend from a terrible illness. Father has always been good at deceit. A loving father, a grieving widower, a grand businessman, sober. I let every thought in, every memory. How could I be so dumb to think that I could ever stay here, that my freedom would last? What"s worse is that I"m more afraid of what"s past these lands that I"ve so easily made my own.

Thanks to my Father and his children, no home, no garden, no lake or trees, no money or status.