Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

Lilith scooped up a handful of sand and sifted the warm grains through her fingers to form a small pile where they fell. The waves crashing onto the shore was a sound she would never forget.

The last time she’d been in Los Angeles, she’d visited the beach once, but a fog had rolled in, obscuring the vastness of the ocean.

After that one time, her life had been consumed with living and working to make sure she had enough money to cover her rent.

The trip to the bank hadn’t been a joyous one for her. Her bank balance was sick looking, and there wasn’t near enough in it to get a deposit together, let alone enough money to cover a couple of month’s rent while she looked for a job.

The choice was to take up Cass and Irish’s offer to stay at their place. She didn’t want to go where the other women from The Hopeful Sunshine had been taken. She wanted a clean break from that place, and being around them would only be a constant reminder. It may sound harsh, but she had to look after herself. Maybe she could see if she could get a spot in a shelter, but her situation wasn’t as dire as some women who needed to stay there to be safe. Not to mention, she needed to find a job, like yesterday.

“You’re thinking hard there. Want to talk?”

How could she to get used to Julian being nice and friendly to her? Appearing to be interested in her and her thoughts.

Was it all a trick?

Maybe it wasn’t, and he’d changed. But could she trust her judgement? It hadn’t served her well in the past. It didn’t matter that Cass had said she could trust Julian. The other woman hadn’t seen what Lilith had seen. Hadn’t seen the way Julian had acted. Hadn’t seen Julian change his attitude toward someone in the blink of an eye—like he’d done with her.

What would it hurt if she were honest with him?

She didn’t need to watch her words anymore. What was Julian going to do? Repeat her words to whoever he worked for at the FBI? Or would he blab to Irish and Cass, and then they’d all laugh at her behind her back?

God, why was everything so hard? It shouldn’t be this difficult to think for herself and make decisions, but it was. And she hated it.

Hated that her life was reduced to this.

“I don’t know what to do,” she blurted out, hitting the sand in frustration. “My whole life has been dictated by other people. When I can eat. What I can eat. Wear. Do. Think. Say. My life is a mess!” Lilith hugged her arms around her bent legs and rested her head on her knee. Not seeing the view anymore.

She couldn’t face Julian after her outburst. She’d sounded like a petulant child who wasn’t getting their way. The way the young boys at The Hopeful Sunshine had acted—entitled, as if everyone in the world owed them everything they had. But that was all they knew. All they’d been taught. Shouldn’t she feel some sympathy for them now? Their lives were turning upside down and becoming unrecognizable.

“I’m sorry,” Julian said, his voice closer than when he’d first asked what was on her mind.

Lilith lifted her head, and her gaze connected with Julian’s blue eyes, dark with sympathy. An emotion she didn’t want, but welcomed. He’d moved and sat within touching distance of her. She should scoot away, but she couldn’t. Didn’t want to. “Why are you sorry?” she asked. “It’s not as if you could control what my parents did or thought. They got suckered in like everyone else at Freedom and Love.”

“You’re right, I couldn’t, but I could’ve made sure you were all right. Checked in with you after everything had settled down.”

Lilith scoffed. “Why on earth would you have wanted to do that? I’m sure you never gave me another thought once you’d achieved what you did.”

Julian’s attention skittered away for a fraction of a second before returning to her. It was fleeting but telling at the same time. She’d been right. He hadn’t thought about her at all.

What would he say? Would he admit she was right, or would he continue to lie and say that he had thought of her constantly? Wondered about her. Worried about her.

His shoulders slumped, but he continued to watch her. Heaven help her. She couldn’t pull her gaze away from his, even though she should. “You’re right, and I don’t know why I said that. I was dealing with my father dying in front of me after he shot me and my sister, Rose. I’d allowed my sister to suffer, and I wish I’d woken up earlier to how wrong Ralph Williamson was. How his actions were affecting so many lives. But I should’ve also considered the consequences of what I’d done. How, even though what I was doing was right, I wrecked the only life many had ever known.”

There was so much there to unpack, but had Julian and his sister really been shot by their father? Or was he just making it up?

Stop it. You’ve got to trust him.

Like she could trust her inner voice! But constantly second guessing everyone was exhausting. Then again, that had been her default for the last year, and the women she’d been around had done nothing to change that for her. They’d all talked about her behind her back, and just prior to the raid, one woman had caused trouble for her.

Trust was going to come in baby steps, and the first one was this: believing Julian.

“I’m sorry that happened to you. Is your sister okay?” she asked, while trying to recall who his sister was. Because of the status of his family, she had had little to do with Julian’s. Plus, she’d kept mostly to herself in Freedom and Love. Being the dutiful daughter and subject.

For the first time since she’d seen Julian again, a full smile split his lips. “Rose is great. She’s in a relationship with a firefighter and lives in San Antonio, Texas. She has more courage in her little finger than I have in my whole body. She broke away from Freedom and Love when she could.” The smile died. “I hated her for leaving. I believed she’d not only betrayed Ralph, but her dead husband and our family. I was wrong. So wrong for that. I wasn’t the brother she needed me to be. I did nothing to stop her being forced to marry a man twice her age just because Ralph decreed it, and my father knew that Rose being married to a man who was in Ralph’s inner sanctum was an honor.”

The anguish in Julian’s voice was palpable, and without giving it too much thought, she reached out and placed her hand on his arm, the flesh warm from the afternoon sun. Touching a man would normally lead to punishment, but that thought hadn’t even entered her mind. All she’d known was that she needed to touch him. Provide him with a bit of comfort.

His confession had been unexpected, and she believed every word. Believed that he’d let down his sister, and to some extent, her.

“Just like me and everyone else, you didn’t know any better. But the difference is, when you worked out that things weren’t right, you did something about it. You made a difference and stopped Ralph from luring more and more people into his web.”

“Did I though? I’m sure the more we dig into Staunton Rello, we’ll find out that he had some connection to Ralph. He might not have been part of Freedom and Love, but he might have gone to one of his seminars in the past, and then decided he could do the same thing and started up The Hopeful Sunshine. How many of the men who worshipped Ralph were spread across the country creating their own cults?”

What could she say to that?

There was every possibility that Julian was correct. That, even now, the men from The Hopeful Sunshine were thinking about what they could do. How they could become their own version of Staunton. They may have even been thinking about it before Julian had arrived, and now that they had their freedom, they could go off and do their own thing.

“I don’t know. It’s possible, but what you’re doing now is helping. It is getting rid of those who prey on the weak of mind, and the innocent. It’s not as hard as you think to get suckered into something, even if you’ve lived it, and gained your freedom. Trust me, I speak from experience.”

Little by little, she was opening up to Julian. Two hours ago, there was no way she would’ve said what she’d just said. And if he asked how she’d gotten involved with Staunton, would she tell him her truth?

Yes!

Yes, she would, because it was time.

“I thought I was going for a job interview. I thought I was getting a better position than the ones I currently had. A chance to work in a better environment, where I wasn’t on my feet for hours and earning a pittance. Serving people meals and drinks, being upbeat, friendly, and polite to them, only for them to tip me a measly five dollars on a hundred-dollar meal. I was going to live in a great cabin of my own. Have my work appreciated. I believed every word of the advertisement. The pictures. Even the words Staunton spoke to me at the interview. And when he offered me the position, I didn’t hesitate. I was ready for a new start. To become someone.” Throughout her monologue, Lilith had kept her gaze fixed on the ocean. Watching as the waters swished in and out.

If only it were that easy to wash away the hurt and humiliation she’d gone through when she’d realized her mistake. The humiliation seeping through her bones right now after she’d explained her naivete to Julian.

“It wasn’t your fault,” he said after a moment, his hand covering hers. She hadn’t dropped her hand from his arm when she’d placed it there. “If the pictures and the place looked legitimate when you arrived, it’s easy to believe what Staunton said.”

Lilith shifted her attention from the hypnotic motion of the water to Julian, who held pity in his gaze again. God, she hated it being there, but instead of getting angry, she accepted the pity because if someone had relayed the story she just had, she’d pity them too. “The second I walked into the cabin that had been allocated to me, I knew I’d been duped. That I’d fallen into a trap, but when I tried to leave . . .” Lilith pulled her hand away from Julian’s warm flesh and rubbed her arm where it had been injured. “Well, let’s just say I wasn’t allowed to. When I came to, I had a broken arm.”

“Fucking asshole,” Julian growled.

“Yeah, but at least I got treatment for my injury.”

“At what price?”

Trust Julian to know that there had to be a catch to her receiving medical care. “I didn’t ask. My fate had been sealed. I didn’t argue or try to escape. I accepted that I’d made this bed, and I had to lie in it. My car wasn’t where I’d parked it. My handbag with my wallet and ID had disappeared. I had nothing, and well, you know how far away the commune was from anything resembling a small town, so any chance of escaping to go for help was slim.”

“I—I, fuck, I wish things had been different. And those words are so pathetic. I don’t even know why I said them.”

Lilith chuckled. “There’s nothing you need to say. If anyone knows what I’ve been through, it’s you. But I’m not there now, and I really need to make sure that I don’t end up back in another place like that again.”

“You won’t. I’ll make sure of it.”

Julian’s words sounded like an oath. A promise. But he couldn’t make that happen, unless he watched her twenty-four-seven for the rest of her life. But him sticking around like that seemed unlikely, even if the idea sounded more appealing than it would’ve a short while ago.