Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

Her parents left Lilith to fend for herself!

The idea made no sense. She’d been a toddler when they’d arrived at the compound. Living in that type of environment was all she’d ever known. She’d needed guidance and help, and they’d given her none.

Guilt gnawed at his belly like a hungry termite. He should’ve ensured more support was on hand for the victims. That he’d been in the hospital recovering from his father’s attempt to kill him didn’t matter. He should’ve done something. Or made sure something was in place before the raid had happened.

How many other people had suffered like Lilith because their support had walked away?

“I’ve made things worse, haven’t I?”

Lilith’s green eyes were full of distress, dull when they’d been vibrant a moment ago. He got up and squatted in front of her, resting his hands lightly on her knees. “No. Not at all.”

“Don’t start lying to me now. I can tell my words upset you. You can’t be responsible for everyone, least of all my parents. They made their choice. They were always ashamed of me. Always berating me because I hadn’t been chosen to be a wife. I was considered an old maid in their eyes because girls younger than me were being married off. That something was wrong with me. I was too ugly for even the oldest man in the cult to consider taking me as his bride.”

Anger at what her parents said to her fired deep in his gut. He wanted to find them and yell at them for their cruelty. For the way they treated their own flesh and blood. “No! They were wrong. You were lucky, believe me, not to be chosen. Ralph only let people see what he wanted to see. You not being chosen was a blessing! Trust me on that.” He stood and grabbed her hands, pulling her to her feet to look deeply into her eyes. “I’m glad you weren’t chosen. I’m glad that you never had to suffer the indignity that came with being a man’s wife on that compound.”

“Why?” Confusion swirled in Lilith’s eyes. “Why was it better? Mom always told me it was an honor to be chosen. To be a man’s wife was a privilege and that my life would be complete and I would be rewarded in my afterlife. She said it was shameful that I hadn’t been picked, and that I was bringing shame to her and my father. That they were getting tired of the pitying looks everyone gave them when another lot of weddings happened and I wasn’t up there saying vows.”

It didn’t surprise him that Lilith had been fed that garbage by her parents. It was what they would’ve been fed by Ralph. He would’ve made time to talk to Lilith’s parents to remind them they needed to get Lilith groomed into the type of wife that was expected by the men. That they had particular tastes and needs, and if Lilith didn’t match, then they had to ensure she was taught how to be that way.

What did her parents do to her? Apart from the harsh words they must have constantly thrown at her, had they harmed her? Laid their hands on her? Or had they done nothing to change her?

What good would come to ask all those things? They’d left the cult where marriage was a requirement.

“Your parents were wrong,” he said, brushing his fingers across her soft cheek. “Being married wasn’t an honor. It was demeaning to the women. Most men had three or four ‘wives,’ and I use that term loosely. None of the marriages were legal. The married women weren’t treated any better than the unmarried ones. If anything, being unmarried was better.”

“How come you never had a wife or was forced to marry?”

Julian had been waiting for that question. “I was a man, and I was young,” he said simply. “As arrogant as that sounds, it’s the truth. Ralph believed the more mature a man was, the better he was suited for marriage and to provide for his woman. I’m not sure if you noticed, but most of the men getting married were in the late thirties, early forties. And the wives were getting younger and younger.”

Even all these years later he couldn’t stop the disgust from bubbling inside of him as he thought of all those young girls lined up, tears trickling down their cheeks, as the men would look them up and down and then decide who he was going to take as his wife.

“I didn’t notice because most times I was trying to stay as hidden as possible from all the ridicule dished out because I wasn’t up there. And then we met and talked, and I had to live with the shame of you ignoring me and me breaking the rules.”

“Lil, I’m sorry for that. If I could have my time over, I’d change everything about that, but you have to know that what happened between us was during the time I was working with the FBI. I didn’t want to do what I did, but I also knew that if I didn’t demean you like I was instructed, then Ralph would get suspicious of my motivations and commitment to the cult, and I had to make him believe I was still one hundred percent under his spell.”

Julian had so many mixed emotions remembering that time. He’d wanted to take Lilith with him and put her somewhere safe because he knew the end was coming soon. The feeling was foreign to him, considering from the moment he’d hit adolescence, he’d been told that women were only useful in the kitchen and for bearing children. Yet, that thinking had changed for him the first moment he spoke to Lilith. If he’d done any of the things he wanted to do with Lilith, the whole FBI mission would’ve been blown sky high.

“What made you turn on Ralph?”

“A combination of things. You. Seeing a lineup of girls too young to be forced into something they weren’t ready for. My sister, Rose.” Julian looked out over the garden, not seeing the trees, but seeing the many structures that had made up the Freedom and Love compound. The wire fence that surrounded them all, keeping them in without many realizing that was what it was there for. “It’s hard to pinpoint it to one thing. I just looked around and everything that had once felt right, felt very wrong.”

All through his confession, Lilith’s eyes got wider and wider, as though she couldn’t quite believe he still didn’t understand why he’d decided enough was enough. Heck, even he still didn’t know. All he knew was he’d done what was right.

“Me? How did I influence your decision to make a change?” she asked after a few beats of silence.

Julian regretted much about his past, and Lilith featured in some of it, but he never regretted taking time to talk to her. Yes, it caused issues, but he would do it every time.

His next words would either freak her out or hopefully, cause her to like him a little more.

“We’d both been at Freedom and Love for a long time, but somehow I never saw you. Then one day you were there, in front of me, and I was speechless. I experienced emotions I’d never felt before and didn’t know what to do with them. I didn’t understand them. According to everything Ralph had drummed into me, I wasn’t supposed to feel anything toward any woman. They had a purpose, and the purpose was for us to enjoy.” He looked up at her and prayed he wouldn’t see judgment in her eyes. All he saw was curiosity, so he continued. “I wanted to talk to you. To hear your voice. To see you smile. I did nothing that day, but I always sought you out. I also made sure you didn’t see me because I knew what would happen if someone did. But I got careless. The day we talked it was one of the best of my life. I still think about our conversation over and over.”

“If it meant so much to you, why did you do what you did? Why did you shun me?”

The shame he’d felt returned, only harsher because of everything Lilith had gone through over the last couple of years. “I didn’t want to, which I’m sure you find hard to believe, but it’s the truth. If I showed any crack in my identity in front of Ralph, then everything I’d done over the previous few months with the FBI would be wasted.” He leaned forward, willing her to believe him. “I did what I had to do. But I wasn’t as clever as I thought I was, and Ralph decided I was to be married—no argument—and he’d decided to Raymond Stutter was to be your husband.” Lilith gasped when he mentioned the name of one of the meanest men in the cult. “Yeah. I couldn’t let that happen, but my parents were forcing my sister to come back. They’d kidnapped her and were bringing her back so she could become Ralph’s wife.”

“Oh my God, I remember Rose now. She was married to Walter, and after he died, she just disappeared.”

Julian nodded. “She’d made a new life for herself, and I couldn’t let my parents take that from her. So before I met up with them, I went to the FBI and said things needed to happen and happen now. Fortunately, the task force was ready, and while I was saving Rose and stopping my father, the FBI descended and shut everything down.”

“And you got shot for your efforts,” she finished quietly.

“I did.” He slipped off the chair and squatted before her. “I’m sorry. For everything I put you through. The shame. The wrath I’m sure your parents brought down on you. Not to mention not making sure you were adequately looked after, after everything went down.”

Lilith grabbed his hands, and Julian sighed with relief—he hadn’t lost her with his confession. “You have nothing to be sorry about, especially for what I got myself into in the last year. I said it before, and I will say it again: you aren’t responsible for the decisions I made. It’s because of you I’m free again. Because of your diligence in shutting down operations that are detrimental to people’s lives. Operations that are dangerous and deadly.”

Julian stood and tugged until she was standing as well. Their gazes met, and the openness she was sharing with him, as though he could see into her soul, was something he would not forget. He pulled her into a tight embrace. “I don’t deserve your understanding, but I am grateful for it.”

As Lilith’s arms closed around him, Julian let out a long breath, releasing part of the guilt that was his constant companion. Holding her close was a dream come true. He wanted more and hopefully, over time, he could prove himself worthy of her affection.