Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

“Are you sure this is what you want? You know we don’t mind you staying at our place,” Cass said as she pulled into Julian’s driveway.

“I’m sure.” There weren’t many things Lilith had been sure about in her life, but staying at Julian’s was one she believed to be correct.

She hadn’t even been inside the house yet, but from the second he offered it to her, she’d been eager to see where he lived, although part of her had been cautious to take her time before deciding. But then she’d fallen asleep and had dreamed. Oh, the dreams she’d had. Ones where she and Julian were laughing together on a back porch. Where she and Julian were working in the garden. Dreams where she and Julian were kissing, and he was looking at her as if she was the most precious thing on earth.

The second her eyes had popped open, she’d wanted to make those dreams come true. This complete one-eighty turnaround in terms of her attitude to Julian should scare her. After all, her track record in making the right decision wasn’t all that good.

But that didn’t mean she couldn’t hope. Hope had been such a sparse emotion for her during her life. There was just something about those dreams that gave her the courage to chase them. To believe that her subconscious mind wasn’t tricking her, but showing her what her life would be like if she took this step.

“If at any time you want to come back, call. Irish and I will welcome you back with open arms.”

Lilith reached across and grasped Cass’s hand, giving it a squeeze. “I know, and thank you for being a true friend to me. I haven’t had any in my life. I also know that if you believed I was making a mistake, you wouldn’t have driven me over here.”

Cass smiled. “You’d be right. Julian is a good guy, even with his past.” She paused as if trying to form her thoughts carefully. “I realize the Julian you knew wasn’t a nice person, but I’ve worked with him for a while now. The man I work with is compassionate and dedicated to his job. He makes sure that we have all the information necessary to ensure the takedowns happen safely, and he always does more than he should to ensure that the victims of the raids are looked after. He’s one of the good ones.”

In the short time Lilith been in Julian’s presence again, spending time with him had stripped away her biases from her previous encounters with him. She'd been able to see that he had changed and was trying to be better, do better. How could she condemn that?

Every time they’d been together, he had done nothing to suggest it was a facade he was portraying to those around him. He’d been genuine with her, and he’d backed down whenever she’d felt uncomfortable or believed he was taking over. Not once had he laughed at her. Scoffed at her reaction or demeaned her.

“I can see the difference between the man I knew and the one I see now. There are shadows in his eyes that weren’t there before.”

Cass nodded. “Yes, he has demons, but maybe you’re the one who can help him slay them.”

“Maybe,” she murmured as she looked at the house, noticing that the garden was overgrown and needed some TLC. But what drew her attention was the man standing on the front porch, not making a move to come toward them. He was waiting. Waiting to see what she would do.

To some, it might seem like it was a power play on Julian’s behalf, but the truth was clear to Lilith. By not coming to the car, he was letting her decide if she wanted to get out of it, or if she preferred to ask Cass to reverse the car and drive her back to the house where she’d stayed for the last couple of weeks.

Lilith opened the door and got out. Her gaze connected with Julian’s, and his shoulders shifted down a fraction, as though releasing tension. She’d been right—he had been waiting for her to make her own decision. Her admiration for him clicked up a notch.

A slow smile spread across his face with every step she took toward him, and when she paused at the bottom step, Julian came down them to meet her. “Hey, you made it.”

“I did.” Lilith placed her hand on his chest, his heart thudding beneath her palm. “I’m ready for a tour.”

In the background, the engine revved, and Lilith turned. Cass waved as she drove away. “I guess she figured I’m happy being here,” Lilith said with a laugh.

“I guess so. Come on, let’s get this tour started.” Julian held out his arm, and Lilith slipped her hand from his chest and pressed her palm against his. Immediately, warmth settled through her, and the sense of rightness she’d woken with strengthened.

Julian’s foyer had high ceilings, and a hall table to the left held junk mail and a bowl containing keys and sunglasses. Her sunglasses could fit nicely next to his.

“Welcome to my house. This door here leads to my office.” He pointed to a closed door. “I’d open it and show you, but it’s a bit of a mess at the moment. I need to tidy it up. Opposite is the living room.”

A comfortable-looking, light beige leather couch sat across from a large television mounted on the wall with a built-in, electric fireplace beneath it. A fluffy gray blanket was bundled into one corner of the couch, and the room looked comfortable and lived in.

“My bedroom is here.” He indicated to the room as they passed, which contained a large bed with a dark blue comforter.

They walked into the kitchen, and her eyes widened in surprise. “This is amazing,” she gushed, as she took in the large island bench with four stools neatly beneath the white countertop. The appliances were all stainless steel and gleamed beneath the natural light coming from the skylight in the roof.

“You should’ve seen it when I purchased the place. The previous owners, because they couldn’t afford the mortgage, had sold off all the appliances, as well as some of the cabinets. It was one of the reasons I got the house for a bargain. No one wanted to deal with the cost of having to renovate a kitchen and replace all the appliances.”

“You did an amazing job. It looks fantastic.” The kitchen opened up to a small eating area and another sitting space. French doors led out to a patio with a grill and some comfortable seating for people to chat while the meat cooked.

“Thanks. I did the floor myself, but I had some help from a designer with the kitchen.”

“Why don’t you use this sitting area as your main relaxing area?” He hadn’t installed a television, but there was plenty of wall space if he wanted to.

“I thought about it. I wouldn’t mind watching some TV while I cook, but I also like the separation I’ve created. Here people can talk and mingle if they want to and not sit in front of a screen and ignore each other.”

A sudden shaft of jealousy hit Lilith at the thought of Julian having women over and cooking them a special meal. His attention fully on his task and them. “Do you entertain a lot?”

She tried to keep her question light, but even she could hear the hint of envy in it.

Julian leaned back against the counter, studying, and she stood still, trying to keep her face free from the emotions she was experiencing.

“While in my mind I designed this place for that very thing, I haven’t had anyone over. Haven’t done anything that I thought I might.”

“Why?” she asked, intrigued by his response. It wasn’t like he didn’t have any friends. With the way Cass spoke about him, clearly he would have had the people from Alliez over a few times. And what about the team he worked on with the FBI? Did he not see them out of work?

“Just never seemed the right time.”

Or he was afraid that even though the people he associated with both at the FBI and Alliez were just that—associates, and not friends. It seemed his scars from his time in Freedom and Love were similar to hers. That feeling of not being worthy of anything good.

Was that why he worked so hard to eliminate as many cults as he could? That was a question for another time. “Fair enough. How about you show me the room you think will suit me?”

Julian inclined his head a fraction, as if he realized what she was doing and appreciated it. “Sure. As I said on the phone, we can also make the other spare room into a reading nook or television room for you. Whatever you want. I don’t need it for anything specific.”

He was going out of his way to make her feel welcome, and she appreciated it more than he would know. Her entire apartment would’ve fit into the kitchen and sitting room of his house. Anything he was prepared to let her use would be appreciated, but she didn’t think she would need anything more than her bedroom. This house had plenty of spaces where she could go if she wanted some quiet time.

She followed Julian down the small hallway off the kitchen/sitting room area, nodding as he pointed to the bathroom that would be hers as he had one off his bedroom.

“Here it is,” he said with a flourish as he opened the door.

The space was surprisingly large, with a queen bed in the center and a bedside table on one side. A large window took up one of the walls, and tucked into a corner was a lounge chair that she could see herself curling up in to think. Maybe even read, something she’d discovered she liked when she’d been living by herself. A rug stretched across the hardwood floor in front of the cozy chair.

“Wow, this is gorgeous.” Lilith ran her hand over the floral comforter, enjoying the feeling of the soft fabric beneath her fingertips. Anything was better than the scratchy blanket she’d used at Hopeful Sunshine.

“There’s a large walk-in closet too.” Julian waved a hand toward a door in the corner.

“I won’t need a lot of space, as I don’t have much.”

“You may not now, but you will once you get yourself settled. It’s been set up with hanging rods and drawers, so there’s no need for a dresser in the room unless you want one. There’s space for it as well.”

Fashion had never been a big thing for Lilith. Even the year she’d had her freedom, she hadn’t fussed about what she wore, partly because she couldn’t afford a lot. And what did she know about fashion when she’d been forced to wear the same thing for most of her life? “We’ll see.”

“The room next door is the one I was thinking you could make your own space. It’s empty, as I wasn’t sure what I wanted to use it for.”

“Oh, well, I don’t think I’ll need it.”

Julian shrugged. “You might. Why don’t I leave you to look around, check out this space and the one next door, and see if you’ll feel comfortable here? I’ll be in the kitchen, so when you’re ready, you can come find me.”

Without giving her a chance to respond, he whirled around and left her alone. “That was weird,” she muttered as she sat on the bed. The mattress was firm, but not too firm. Lilith bounced a little on it. No way she’d been able to do this on the cot in her little hut.

Sighing, she flopped back on the mattress and stared at the ceiling. The room was prettier than anything she’d ever slept in. The wall colors were a soft pink that almost looked white. It was warm, and she didn’t feel like an outsider. She felt like she belonged here.

Julian’s house had a welcoming feel, and she didn’t know who had decorated the room. Or had chosen the furnishings, but it had a definite feminine feel Lilith wanted to embrace.

Excitement bubbled through her veins, and she got up from the bed and strode over to the closet door. Opening it, she gasped. The long, wide enclosure had a row of narrow drawers, along with some wider ones and a couple of shelves where she could put her shoes. The hanging section was generous. Whoever had designed it had maximized the space.

Her wardrobe would take up half of one of the three hanging spaces. She’d also only take up one of the wider drawers, if she were lucky. Filling the space would require a lot of shopping, and it would likely never be overflowing.

Walking out, she headed to the spare room, which was empty and the same size as her bedroom. The walls had been painted white with a large black and white geometrical patterned rug in the middle of the hardwood floor and a large window. The rooms were both nice and welcoming, something she couldn’t say about the shitty place she’d lived in the first time she’d been in LA.

Did she deserve all this niceness?

These rooms. This house. They were so far from what she’d been used to her whole life. She half expected someone to storm into the house and drag her away, saying she wasn’t worthy of having nice things.

Lilith pinched her arm, the sting of pain a reminder that she was in control of her life. Her destiny. No one else. There was no way she was going to let herself be sucked back into the pit of living in a cult.

No, this was what she deserved. She could live here, with Julian. He had plenty of space, and if she wanted, she could turn this room into her own little haven, but she didn’t think so. Not at the moment anyway.

Would this be her new home?

Yes, but temporarily until she got on her feet. As weird as it was, staying with Julian sounded more comfortable than staying with Cass and Irish, newlyweds who needed their own space, not a complete stranger living with them.

Decision made that she would accept Julian’s offer, she went in search of him, easily finding her way back to the kitchen, but the room was empty. A quick look outside told her where he was. He was sitting in one of the lounge chairs, wearing a contemplative expression, as though he were studying the plants but not really seeing them.

He looked as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders and didn’t know how to get it off.

What was he thinking about?

Was he having second thoughts about asking her to stay with him and didn’t know how to tell her?

Indecision warred within her. Should she ask him, or should she say, “Thank you for the offer, but I’m going to stay with Cass”? As much as she liked Cass and Irish, she didn’t want to stay with them, not after seeing this place. Why did she feel this way? Everything about her change in attitude toward Julian, while confusing, didn’t feel entirely wrong.

As if he could feel her attention on him, Julian lifted his head and smiled, beckoning her to join him. The smile eased a bit of the tension, but he still carried some lines around his mouth that showed he wasn’t truly relaxed.

“How did you go? What do you think?” he asked as she took the seat opposite his.

“Do you still want me to stay here?” That hadn’t been what she’d meant to say, but now that the words were out in the universe, she was okay with them.

“What? Why would you ask that? Of course I do.”

No denying the truth of his words. His attention hadn’t wavered from her. Julian wasn’t looking away like some liars did.

Lying and saying she wanted to make sure would be easy, but Julian would likely see through her. If she wanted the truth from him, she had to be honest. So she would voice the thoughts that had been running through her mind. “Because when I came into the kitchen and saw you, you seemed preoccupied, and I wondered if you were having second thoughts.”

Julian nodded. “Right. It wasn’t that. I was just thinking about . . .” He paused. Would he be less than truthful? She hoped not. “Over the years, I’ve had time to think about what I didn’t do when we were living at Freedom and Love. All the times when I didn’t step up like I should’ve. Sometimes the guilt hits me that I’d been so lost in the words Ralph sprouted, that my sense of decency and knowing right from wrong were non-existent.”

The last thing she expected from Julian was this level of honesty. He was baring part of his soul to her, and she would not throw it away. “You didn’t know any better. And in the end, you did the right thing.”

“Did I though? Could I have done more? Asked the authorities to do more with the victims of Ralph’s machinations?”

“What would you have asked them to do? Find houses for us? Jobs? Tell us how to live our lives? If they did that, would they have been any better than Ralph?”

Julian sighed and sat back in the chair. Had her words made him feel better or worse? Although, when she’d been floundering to make ends meet, she’d wished for guidance. Maybe that was why it had been so easy for her to fall for Staunton’s words, because he provided the support she was missing. Then again, that’s what sick people like Staunton did. They preyed on the vulnerabilities of others.

“You can’t tell me you didn’t wish you had more help,” he countered. “How many of the people who’d once been part of Freedom and Love are now part of another cult? Or worse, have harmed themselves because they were so lost they didn’t know what to do. Or where to turn.”

“You can’t take that on, Julian. You weren’t responsible for every member of the cult. There were plenty of people there who knew what life was like before succumbing to Ralph’s words. The second I got shown to that hut by Staunton, I knew I’d fallen into a trap that I couldn’t get out of. If anyone is to blame for that, it’s me. I should’ve known better. I’m the one who looks stupid and na?ve, not you. If anyone is to blame for my situation, it’s my parents. They basically washed their hands of me once they met with the authorities. They told me they were starting over somewhere else and wished me luck.”

“What?” Julian sat up, his blue eyes intense. “They walked away from you? Why?”

Lilith shrugged. “I don’t know. I was too stunned to ask questions. By the time I had gathered myself, they were gone. I ran after outside and saw them walking down the street. I called out to them, but they continued without looking back, as if they hadn’t heard me. I never saw them again.”