Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

I see you , Lilith Kenny , and I like who I see.

Julian’s words still floated around her mind two days after he’d said. Two days in which she hadn’t seen him, when she thought she would’ve.

She shouldn’t be sad that he wasn’t around. She should be happy. Wasn’t this what she wanted? To survive on her own with no one as a crutch?

Yes, but she remembered his past. It didn’t matter that he’d had to leave because his boss required he head to the office. When he’d gotten the call, indecision had crossed Julian’s face. Like he wanted to stay with her, but knew he was needed. She’d given him a smile and told him to go.

If she thought about it long enough, her hand still tingled from where he’d given her a squeeze before he’d left. She was being fanciful, of course. She couldn’t really feel anything after two days and countless hand washes, along with two showers.

Lilith shook off the memories of her last encounter with Julian. Whatever he was doing was important, and hopefully, he was safe.

Would he call her when he had a chance? She was now in possession of a cell phone. Cass had put a few contacts in, but Lilith hadn’t looked to see who it was. It was more than likely just her and Irish. They were the only people she knew, apart from Julian, and there was no way Cass would’ve put his number in her phone.

Keep telling yourself that. Of course she put Julian’s number in there. You’re just too scared to look.

Her inner rebel practically yelled at her, and like always, Lilith ignored that little niggling voice. Although perhaps if she’d listened to it, she may not have ended up in The Hopeful Sunshine. Part of her had been skeptical after seeing the initial job advert. The desperate side of her, the part that wanted to believe, overruled that warning.

But that was the past. Today she’d join Cass at her workplace—Alliez Security. Lilith didn’t know what she’d do there, but Cass said they needed some help and asked if she was interested.

So far, Lilith’s job hunting hadn’t been successful, so she’d jumped at the opportunity to get out of the house and try something different. It didn’t matter what they asked her to do, she’d do it.

A soft tap at the door had butterflies flaring to life in her belly. “Come in,” she called out.

Cass poked her head around the door. “Hey, that dress looks amazing on you. Are you ready to go?”

Lilith hadn’t known what to wear, but Cass always looked smart, casual, and well put together. She’d rummaged through the meager clothes that she had, thankful that she had any at all, and found a navy-colored dress that flared around her thighs and had cap sleeves. The understated, smart dress was one of the nicest she'd owned. Not to mention the fabric wasn’t scratchy, and it was flattering on her. “Thanks. Did you pick this dress out?”

Cass shook her head. “Nope, it was Eveline. She has great taste. You’ll meet her today. She helps me with the computer stuff but will only work until lunchtime. Then she’ll go home, and Ox will come in. They take turns looking after their son, Oscar. He’s five-months-old.”

“Her husband looks after their child?” The concept was so far out of the realm of Lilith’s understanding. She’d only known men who impregnated women, no longer caring about the children afterward. Unless it was a son, and then they would walk around with their chests puffed out because they’d brought a male into the world, as if they’d been the ones to go through hours of labor with no medication. If the women had a girl, then they would get their “wives” pregnant again to get that son.

“Yep, Ox is a very hands-on father. Once Oscar is a little older, they’ll probably put him in daycare, but for now, they’re sharing the duties.”

“And he’s happy to do that? I suppose he was very proud that he had a son. Someone to carry on his name. A son to teach what their role is in the world, and their importance.”

Cass’s eyes were wide by the time Lilith finished her tirade. Embarrassment crawled over Lilith’s skin. Her bitterness at what she’d been through had come shining through.

“Oh, Lilith. I’m so sorry that you’ve seen the worst of life. I know you probably won’t believe me, but Ox is the opposite of that. Yes, he was proud to have a son, but he would’ve been as equally happy if Oscar had turned out to be a girl. There are days I think he’d give Alliez all away just to stay home with his wife and son. Not all men are like the ones you’ve been exposed to.”

Logically, Lilith knew that there were good people out in the world. And that there were some women who were as bad as the men she’d known, but it was hard to believe everyone she came across didn’t want something in return for the niceness that they were showing her. “I’m sure you’re right,” she eventually responded.

“Come on, let’s go into the office. I’m sure you’re sick of looking at the same rooms.”

Thankfully, Cass didn’t continue the conversation, but regardless of what Cass had said, Lilith didn’t mind looking at the same walls. Now that it was happening, and she was really going into Alliez, she wasn’t sure that she wanted to.

Who would be there?

What would they think of her?

Would they decide she was a stupid woman because she got sucked into a cult again?

“What are you thinking about so hard?” Cass asked, after they’d been driving for a few minutes.

Should she be honest or keep her insecurities to herself?

Once again, her inability to trust was coming into play. She’d thought she’d made some inroads into that way of thinking. But it was easy to fall back on what she was used to, and knew well, rather than keeping up with the new vows she’d silently decided upon.

When she’d been with Julian, she’d been ready to commit to her new edicts, but she hadn’t seen him for a couple of days. Would she ever see him again or would history repeat? It seemed too hard to change.

“Everything is so confusing.”

“It’s not surprising, considering what you’ve been through your whole life. It’s going to take time to process and deprogram what you’ve learned. Give yourself some grace. It’s been less than a week since you were given your freedom. It won’t happen overnight.”

“I know.” And she did, but it didn’t ease her frustration with the process.

“You just want it to be quicker.”

Lilith chuckled. “Yeah, I do.”

“That’s reasonable. We always want trials to end quicker than they take. But sometimes the journey is what we need to get the clarity and closure we need. So take the slow journey and learn. No one expects you to change in a day, and if they do, then they’re not your friends.”

“Apart from you and Irish, I don’t have any friends who are waiting for me to get back to normal. Having friends to talk things over with is something I’ve never had.”

Wasn’t that just another small indication of how much her life had sucked? Lilith did have memories of playing with some of the other girls from Freedom and Love when she’d been younger, but then, as she’d entered her teenage years, most of those girls drifted away. More than likely, they had been married off, and because she hadn’t been, they’d wanted nothing to do with her.

As for the women in The Hopeful Sunshine, there was nothing sunshiny about them. At least not to her. They always ignored Lilith. Perhaps they’d been warned to stay away from her. Maybe Staunton had been worried they’d change from being the sweet and subservient women they were to defiant like Lilith had been at the beginning. After a couple of months, Lilith learned again to act the way they expected, while inside she’d kept the anger burning.

“Well, not only do you have us, but you’ll also have Teresa and Eveline. All the guys in the office will make you feel welcome too. And there’s Julian. He’s also your friend.”

Her chest fluttered at hearing Julian’s name, but she took a deep breath to calm it. Nothing was happening with Julian, no matter what he’d said to her before he’d disappeared out Irish and Cass’s front door. “He hasn’t been around,” she muttered.

“Not by choice, I’m sure. If he got called into work, then there was a reason for it. He’s very good at his job.”

This was her opportunity to learn what Julian did with the FBI. How he got there in the first place, but could she ask Cass those burning questions?

No.

She should ask Julian, if she saw him again, that was. Although the way Cass was speaking, it was as if she knew something about Julian that Lilith didn’t. Which wasn’t surprising, considering it had been years since she’d last seen Julian. “I’m glad to hear he’s good at his job. If he weren’t, he probably wouldn’t have it.”

Cass laughed and pulled into a driveway that led to an underground car park. “There is that, for sure.”

The area brimmed with a variety of cars. The vehicles with cords hanging out of them fascinated her. “What kind of cars are those?”

Man, could she sound any more na?ve? Who didn’t know about cars?

“Oh, those are electric ones. They’re becoming very popular. I’d like to get one, but I can’t quite convince Irish that they’re a good idea.”

Electric cars .

The concept didn’t seem real to her. Then again, what did she know about technology and all the things that people were inventing? The one year she’d been out, she’d tried to learn as much as possible, but it was hard to cram over two decades’ worth of growth and education in a couple hours a day. “I’m sorry, that really was a dumb question.”

“What are you sorry for?” Cass asked as she exited the car. “And there’s no such thing as dumb questions. Ask anything you want. I’m more than happy to answer them.”

“Thanks, but I feel like this character I watched in a movie before—well, you know —anyway, the character came from the past into the future and didn’t know what was going on. Didn’t understand how things worked. I’m from a time long ago. I’m thirty. I’m the same generation as you. I should know stuff like this.”

“But you lived in a place where they withheld things like that from you.” Cass reached out and squeezed her forearm. “This is a new world for you. No one is going to judge you.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because if they do, they’ll have to not only answer to me, they’ll have to answer to Julian. There’s no way he’s going to allow anyone to mistreat you.”

Cass’s faith in Julian was unwavering. Why did she keep mentioning him? But what Lilith wanted was to stop talking about her past. About what she didn’t know. “Right.”

They made their way to the office in silence, and the closer they got to the door, the more the nerves from earlier came flying back. Cass walked through the glass door emblazoned with the Alliez Security logo, holding it open for Lilith. She paused. If she willed it hard enough, would the logo come to life so she could grab the shield and two swords and use them to protect herself from what she was about to walk into? Only they didn’t. Taking a deep breath, Lilith walked into the welcoming reception area.

An older woman sat behind the desk, a friendly smile on her face. “You must be Lilith. Welcome to Alliez Security. I’m Yolanda. If you need anything, just come to me. I don’t move far from this spot.”

She managed a thank you, and hopefully, her smile wasn’t a scary one. How had this woman known her name? Did everyone who worked there know that she would be coming in today?

Well, duh, yes they do.

It was very disconcerting that they kind of knew her, but she didn’t really know any of them.

Lilith kept her head down as she followed Cass through the office until she disappeared into a room. Like she had at the building’s entrance, Lilith paused, taking in the space. A long desk took up one side of the room. Five screens and three keyboards took up most of the table. On the opposite side sat a smaller desk. This one had two screens and one keyboard. “How do you keep track of what’s going on?”

“Cass is a genius, but it’s best to not ask and accept she can do it all.”

Lilith jumped at the voice behind her. A voice she’d only heard in her head these past couple of days. Whirling around, she found Julian standing a couple of feet away. He wore pressed black pants and a sky-blue button-down shirt. Her mouth went dry at the way his hair slicked back off his face. His clear blue gaze didn’t back down from her scrutiny.

“How are you, Lil?” he asked softly, a hint of a smile on his face.

“G-Good,” she stammered and inwardly rolled her eyes at her reaction to seeing him.

Her body warmed at his appraisal of her, and she refused the urge to tug the hem of the dress lower. She wasn’t used to showing this much leg. Her last dress, she’d worn for a year, and it had ended way below her knee. The sleeves had been long and the neckline high.

This is the new me. Embrace it.

All well and good to think it. Carrying it out was a different matter, but she’d try. One step at a time on this road of her new life.