FORTY-FOUR ARABELLA

FORTY-FOUR

Arabella

NO MATTER how fiercely I might cling to them, the days sweep right past me, and I try my best to spend time with everyone who wants me around. Does this mean I bring my friends and Row’s friends together more often? Yes. Now, the girls and I sit with the boys at lunch. Even during breakfast. After school. We hang out constantly whenever we can find some free time, and while I love it and I’m going to miss everyone when I leave, it’s Rowan who I want to be with the most.

My stoic boyfriend. The one who keeps his chin up and his emotions locked tight. That one moment of complete honesty when he told me he loved me and then proceeded to fuck me straight into oblivion feels like a fluke. He hasn’t said he loves me ever since, and I don’t know if that’s because of self-preservation or if he regrets saying it. Maybe he didn’t mean it.

But I see the way he looks at me when he thinks I’m not paying attention. He’s lovesick. I recognize the symptoms because I’m lovesick too. Over him.

Have I told him I love him since that moment in the library? No. I’m playing the same game he is and it’s dumb. We’re being dumb. It’s like I can’t help myself though.

We’re still having sex. Any chance we can get, we’re doing it. It gets better every time it happens too because of course it does. I’m going to become so addicted to him, so helplessly in love with him, that it’ll be a massive struggle for me to leave.

Which I’m about to do in less than a week.

It’s Saturday night and we’re all in Rowan’s suite. He invited all of his friends and a few extra people to turn it into a real party and there is plenty of alcohol flowing. Music is playing on a tiny speaker that Callahan brought with him, the bass thumping extra hard and there are even snacks, provided by me.

I am all about snacks. So are my friends. What’s a party without food?

“You do realize this is a going away party for you, right, Arabella?” Hadley is clutching one of those skinny cans of High Noon, swigging from it every few seconds and swaying on her feet. Is this her third can already? Her fourth?

I’m monitoring my alcohol intake because I want to remain relatively sober in the hopes that I’ll have a little heart-to-heart conversation with Rowan later. After everyone has left, which isn’t happening anytime soon. It’s not even ten o’clock and the place is packed with people, and according to Hadley, they’re all here celebrating … me?

“I had no idea,” I tell her because I didn’t.

Hadley rolls her eyes. She’s extra sassy when she drinks, which is saying a lot. “ Duh. This is all about you.” She waves her can around, her gaze searching the room. “This suite is massive.”

“He’s a Lancaster. They have privileges.” I shrug, not bothered by it in the least. Though if you’d asked me a month ago about the size of his dorm suite, I would’ve complained out of jealousy. I need the closet space.

Well. I guess I don’t need it anymore.

“Right. Like getting away with having a party in his room and no one from admin saying a word.” Hadley grins and lifts her can in a salute before taking a sip. “You picked a good one.”

I absorb her words, knowing they’re true. I did pick a good one. And he picked me too, making all of my dreams come true. My mother getting this opportunity for me is another dream coming true.

So why am I dreading going to Paris? The closer we get to the day I fly out, the more uncomfortable I become. And nervous. I’m so nervous. There’s a big part of me that doesn’t want to leave. Knowing I won’t see Rowan every day makes my heart break a little. To the point that it feels like I’m on death row and I’m counting down the days until my execution.

That is incredibly dramatic of me to think, but typical. I am the most dramatic person I know.

Letting my worry take over, I work the locket on my necklace back and forth, rubbing my finger against the etched heart. I keep messing with it lately and I’ve noticed the clasp isn’t in the best condition.

“Hey.” Rowan appears at my side, his mouth pressing against my cheek in a brief kiss, and I can smell the alcohol emanating from him. “You having fun?”

“I was telling her how you planned this party just for her,” Hadley says to Rowan.

“Yeah?” He turns his attention to me. “You didn’t figure that out yet?”

I shrug, feeling silly. “I thought it was just another Saturday night at Row’s dorm room.”

He shakes his head. “I don’t have parties.”

“Like never,” Hadley adds.

“Right. I never want anyone in here getting drunk and making a mess,” he further explains.

“Because he has OCD.” Hadley smiles, swinging back and forth, reminding me of a little kid. It’s obvious she is feeling the liquor coursing through her veins.

Rowan glares at her, his irritation also obvious. “I don’t have OCD.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” she murmurs, holding the can in front of her lips before she drains the last of it. “I need another one.”

She’s gone before I can tell her I’d take one too.

“Your friend is drunk.” He sounds vaguely amused, which is a relief. I don’t want him mad at Hadley. She almost always speaks her mind, which is why I think we’re friends. We have similar traits.

“She’s having fun.” I stare at his handsome face, tracking his features. I feel like there is always something new I notice when I look at him. For instance, why haven’t I ever noticed how thick his eyelashes are? I’m envious. I don’t get that kind of thickness unless I apply about ten coats of mascara and look at him, blinking those eyelashes at me. His eyes are too pretty. They are my downfall.

Everything about him is my downfall.

His expression shifts into serious mode. “Are you having fun?”

I nod, wishing he would say the words I want to hear. One more time, that’s all I ask. I don’t feel like I savored them enough the first time he said them. Probably because I was in so much shock when he did. “I’m having a great time.”

“You’re not drinking.”

“I’m not a big drinker.”

“I’m not either. Got that drilled into my head when I was playing football. Alcohol just adds unnecessary calories.”

“Makes sense,” I murmur, hating how stilted our conversations have felt the last couple of days. We are circling around each other like we don’t know what to do and that is just the dumbest thing ever.

“Yeah. Tonight, I’m cutting loose.” He glances at the red Solo cup he’s currently clutching. “Callahan even got a keg.”

“I saw.” It’s outside on the tiny patio that Rowan has off his room. A patio—it’s like he’s living the high life here on campus. No one has a patio.

“You want a beer?” He lifts his cup toward me.

“No.” I shake my head. “I’d rather know why you’re being so weird toward me lately.”

He appears startled by my blunt question but I can’t take it anymore. We’re just wasting time at this point and I have no idea what he’s doing. Subconsciously trying to push me away? Wishing he would’ve never admitted that he loved me? Has he changed his mind and now he can’t wait to get rid of me? Was this party just a ruse to appease me and make me think he’s still into me when he’s so not?

See how my insecurities run rampant? Inside I’m a twisted mess but my outward appearance, I’m serene. Calm and controlled. Acting like this in front of Rowan, as if nothing bothers me, makes me feel …

Fake.

“I’m not being weird toward you.” His voice is calm, his expression void of any emotion and I’m impressed.

I’m also a little mad.

“You so are.” I rest my hands on my hips. “If you don’t want to be with me anymore, just say it.”

Rowan frowns. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“You tell me you love me a couple of days ago and now you’re acting like you’re … running scared. Running away from me. Like, all the time. It’s been awkward between us ever since you said it when you fucked me in the library. I don’t get it, Rowan. Why did you say that if you didn’t mean it? Do you feel sorry for me because no one else loves me?” I am yelling, not that anyone notices thanks to the loud music playing.

He blinks, startled by my outburst. “We shouldn’t be having this conversation right now.”

“Then when are we going to have it? I’m only here for approximately six more days. Six. ” I hold up my hands to show him exactly how many that is with my fingers. “And then I’m gone. In another country and we won’t get to see each other much. Though from the way you’re acting, I think you might be glad to get rid of me.”

I storm off before he can say another word, overcome with emotion. Anger. Feeling stupid too. I should’ve never said that. Again, all of my insecurities have been building up inside me, bit by bit, and this is the result. Me exploding all over him and acting like a damn fool.

I shove my way through the crowds of people in his dorm suite. It’s tightly packed with unfamiliar faces and I don’t even care if I’m rude. By the time I’m at the front door, I’m sweating and puffing and my head hurts. My eyes do too thanks to me fighting back tears.

I hate it here. I hate this stupid party. I’m not having a good time. I’d rather be alone with Rowan but clearly, he doesn’t want to be alone with me, so I’m out.

Opening the door, I exit his suite and run down the hall, realizing the moment I walk outside that I left my coat behind. Well, he can keep it. I have plenty of coats and I don’t need that one.

It’s freezing outside, though the snow we got a few nights ago has mostly melted away. The sidewalks are slick and they’ll probably ice up overnight, and I watch my step at first, eventually giving up and breaking out into a run. I just want to be in my room alone. That way I can cry my eyes out in peace.

I glance over my shoulder right as I approach my dorm building to find that no one is behind me, and the disappointment is so strong, I swear I nearly collapse. I fully expected him to chase after me. Grab hold of my arm and pull me in close, like he’s done before. Reassure me in that warm, deep voice of his that I’m wrong. That he loves me and wishes I could stay with him forever.

But absolutely nothing like that happens. I wasn’t followed by Rowan or anyone, for that matter. I’m alone in front of my dorm building and the realization is difficult to face. That I was right all along. No one loves me. I’m completely unlovable.

Sniffing, I push my way inside through the double doors and practically run down the hallway toward my room on the first floor. I have a suite as well, though it’s not nearly as big as Rowan’s, but I love it just the same. When I walk inside, I see the stack of boxes in the corner of my room, already filled up with most of my belongings. I only have the necessities out to get me through the rest of the week, and I don’t even know where any of this stuff is going. Some will be making the journey to Paris with me, but I can’t take all of these things. I’ll be staying in a two-room flat that’s close to the jeweler’s atelier and there are no actual closets in the place. It’s like my worst nightmare is coming true. No real closet space? Heaven forbid.

A slight hysterical laugh sounds and it takes me a second to realize it’s me. I’m the one who laughed like that. Who’s crying as well. Who can’t believe the boy who supposedly loves her treated her like he did. I’m starting to think I wish he would’ve never told me he loved me in the first place. Now that I know what it feels like, to be loved by Rowan Lancaster, even for a brief moment?

It’s terrible. Addicting. Something I’ll always crave and probably never receive again.

I fall apart once I’m in my dorm room, throwing myself on the bed and crying my eyes out into the pillow, my sobs muffled. Like a sadist I keep checking my phone, fully expecting a text from Rowan.

But one never comes.