Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

LO

I want to keep touching him, but the sounds he's making are far too sexy so I drop my hand to my dick and jerk myself off while I suck him. He comes undone. Wild. Unhinged, as he fucks into my mouth while spilling down my throat. It's fucking hot. There's nothing better than being with a man who can't contain himself when he orgasms.

Caulder is the epitome of that. He is complete sensation. No control. It's erotic and intoxicating. Which is why I come along with him as I jerk myself to the sounds he fills the room with and taste of him on my tongue.

The quiet calm that settles around us lasts far shorter than I'd have liked. He turns rigid against me. His breathing is so labored that I can hear it above the television. And then he begins to shake.

I gently pull away after he doesn't calm down on his own and I frown. If I'd thought he'd be a panicky mess after, I might have reconsidered this. It was clear from the moment I kissed him that he was unsure. But the times I pulled away, it was Caulder who brought his mouth back to mine.

Was I wrong to interpret that as he wanted to explore?

He was nervous, yes. Which is why I continued to ask if I could do more than kiss him. I'm cool with the straight guy exploring for a good time. And we're stuck in this room together, so why not? There's no one here to see and at the end of this weekend, he can go back to being straight and forget everything about it.

I honestly don't have the patience to talk down a panicking straight boy.

When I disentangle myself from between his legs, he practically curls up in on himself. Frowning, I say, "Don't roll backwards. I'll be right back."

There's no indication that he's heard me, so I slip out of bed and head to the bathroom. On the way, I kick the remote and roll my eyes. Apparently, it'd fallen off the bed. Probably while we were fooling around.

I wet a cloth and wipe my face, then my dick. After rinsing it, I bring it back to the bedroom and clean up the mess I made on the bed behind him. Caulder hasn't moved. He's still curled into a fetal position.

With another sigh, I go back into the bathroom and rinse the cloth again before bringing it back, turning the light off behind me. Crawling back onto the bed, I contemplate my options here. Let him freak out and calm down before saying anything? Is that really the best I can do?

Setting the cloth on the nightstand, I scooch down on the bed until I'm laying on my side level with his head. I can barely see his face with the way he's curled up.

"It's just an orgasm," I say quietly. "You can totally pretend I'm a girl who gave it to you. It doesn't have to be a big deal, Caulder. It doesn't mean you have to change what you think about yourself or how you identify."

He snorts, but I'm relieved to see that he's stopped shaking.

"Holes are holes," I continue. "My mouth isn't any different than a girl's. Maybe a little bigger. Also, since I have a dick, I know how to suck one better."

This time Caulder's snort is accompanied by quiet laughter.

"But the principle is the same, right? Everyone has a mouth. A tongue. We can all suck when we want to."

"Ohmigod, stop," he says, laughing. "You're not a fucking girl, so stop."

"I'm just saying?—"

"I know, but I think you've got the wrong idea."

Do I? What does that mean? The wrong idea about what?

With a heavy sigh, Caulder unwraps himself and rolls onto his back before I can stop him. He winces and picks up his leg.

"I cleaned up," I comment, smirking. "Though maybe we should strip the bed in the morning and let housekeeping give us new sheets."

He huffs quiet laughter and brings an arm over his face. I wait, not wanting to push, but definitely want to know what I have the wrong idea about.

"I'm not… freaking out because you're a guy," he says after a long pause. "I'm freaking out because… I—" He takes a deep breath. "I'm gay."

I stare at his strangely illuminated shape in the light of the television. "Okay, let me see if I understand this. You're gay and a guy sucking your dick made you freak out."

Caulder laughs. "Yes."

"Well… I'm not going to pretend that cleared anything up."

"Did you know I'm gay?" he asks.

I study him for a minute before shaking my head. "No."

"Exactly. No one does."

"No one?"

He shakes his head and repeats in a voice just above a whisper. "No one."

Ah. "You're afraid that I'm going to tell someone?"

Caulder sighs again. "No. I mean, now I am. But no. I just… I've been careful my entire life to not be gay."

"You can't change that, man."

He shakes his head. "No, sorry. Not what I meant. I've been careful not to let my sexuality be a thing. Which means, if I'm seen as straight, then it's not a thing. Which has been my plan since I realized I was gay when I was nine. I only want to be seen as a hockey player. Not a gay hockey player. Just a hockey player."

"I understand that."

"Yeah?"

I lean back and arrange the pillows under my head again. "Yep. That's been my plan too."

Caulder drops his arm and looks at me. "You're gay?"

"I'm not sure if you thought you fell and your dick landed in my mouth, but I did ask to suck your dick, didn't I?"

He bursts out laughing. Caulder has one of those laughs that's consuming. Addicting. Infectious. I find myself laughing with him.

"Like you, I've kept my sexuality hidden from anyone having to do with hockey. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed, but I see what the ‘Gays Can Play' guys go through, the kinds of attention they get, the added scrutiny, and I just don't want any part of that. I like who I am. I wouldn't change it if I had the choice. But who I am seems to be a concern for a whole lot of people since I'm gay, and I just want hockey to be the focus when they look at me. Not whether I'm a bottom or a top."

"I know. Sometimes I feel really stupid and selfish because I understand that it's a huge deal for kids to see they can play sports, and that their sexuality doesn't matter. It's not something that will hold them back in anything. They can be great too. But I just don't want that kind of attention. I hate attention on me anyway so added attention just feels far too big," Caulder says.

"I get it. As professional athletes, we already have huge expectations on us. Adding to that for any reason, especially a controversial one though it shouldn't be, is shitty. I'm with you on that. That's why I haven't told anyone that has any ties to my hockey life."

"I haven't told anyone," Caulder whispers. "Ever. Until just now."

I let his words hang in the air for a minute until I realize just how big they are. He hasn't ever told anyone. Anyone!

"I'm the first person you've told?" I ask, turning my head to look at him.

Caulder nods. "The only person."

"Not even your family? Your friends?"

He takes a shuddering breath. "No. If anyone knew, there's a chance they could tell someone else. Accidently. Vindictively. Carelessly." He shrugs. "If no one knows, then no one but me can fuck that up."

"Why did you just tell me?"

"Because listening to you compare your mouth to a girl's was making me cringe," he admits, laughing. "I needed you to stop trying to make the confused straight boy comfortable."

I laugh too. "Sorry. You were not the first confused straight boy I've messed around with, I can't just walk out and go home like I usually would so I did my best to comfort you."

"I'm touched," he deadpans.

"Hey, I know my strengths and weaknesses, and comforting someone for any reason isn't a strength of mine. But again, I didn't have the option to just let you do your thing and leave you to it when we're stuck in the same room."

"You're so sweet I can't contain myself," he says wryly.

I chuckle.

"I'm not really an asshole," I promise, "despite how I'm making myself out to be. If I'd have thought you were going to be a panicking straight guy, I definitely wouldn't have kissed you, never mind doing anything else. I know I'm not cut out for the ensuing conversation, so I avoid those situations when I can. That's all."

"I'm not entirely convinced you didn't have even the barest idea that I would end up panicky after," Caulder says. "Have I given you some false idea that I'm confident and comfortable being in bed with you?"

Grinning, I roll to my side to face him. "Actually, you relaxed after a while. And since you kissed me a couple times when I backed away to give you the option, I kind of guessed you'd roll with it better."

"I'm sorry," Caulder mutters. "I just… I was enjoying it, and that won out over the need to put space between us again."

"Then the pleasure's over and the panic crashes down."

"Exactly. Sorry."

"You don't need to apologize, Caulder. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or put pressure on you."

He rolls to his side to face me, bringing us closer. "You didn't. Please believe me when I tell you this truly is a me thing. It was loud in my head but… it felt good and I wanted to get off."

I have a feeling his cheeks are red as he tells me this. Trying not to let myself grin too big, I gently shove at his shoulder. "Okay then how about this—and there's zero pressure here, Caulder. Okay? But since we're here, forced to share a bed, and now we're keeping each other's secrets, if you want to fool around this weekend, I'm totally down for that."

His inhalation is loud, and he holds his breath. I'm surprised when he nods. "Yeah, okay."

"I meant what I just said. No pressure. If you're uncomfortable or don't want to, that's totally cool. We're just a couple straight guys forced to share a space because the hotel is fucking stupid."

Caulder laughs. "No. Actually… I think I want to be gay for the weekend. You know, behind closed doors where no one can see or suspect. As terrifying as it was to admit to someone out loud, there's a weight off me that you know. I can't even tell you the dread I felt coming in here, knowing I was going to be sharing a tight space—a single bed—with a stranger and having to hide this."

"You've shared hotel rooms before," I point out.

"Yes, but I've always managed to be with guys I'm good friends with. There's comfort in that. And when it's been strangers, I've had time to work myself up for it and it's never been in the same bed. It's a huge relief that you know. It's a bigger relief that you're gay too."

I slide closer to him and rest my hand on his hip. When he doesn't appear uncomfortable at all, I bring him closer, meeting him in the middle of the bed. "Then let's be openly gay this weekend within these walls. No secrets. No having to hide it or pretend not to notice your sexy ass. No having to force myself to look away when I want to admire you because you're fucking gorgeous." I was right. This man is blushing. He does so easily, and I adore it. "We'll fool around and then go our separate ways in three days, taking this secret to the grave."

"For the record, I don't plan to stay closeted forever," Caulder says, his voice quiet and breathless. "Just until I retire and moderately fade into the background."

"Oh, same. But I have no immediate plans to retire, so to the grave it is."

He grins and I lean in to bite his lip.

"Think we can get rid of the underwear? I usually sleep naked, and this is going to keep me awake."

Caulder huffs. "Yeah, fine."

We wiggle our way out of our underwear, and I'm stoked when he easily meets me back in the middle of the bed. Chest to chest. Cock to cock. Ankles tangled. His hand is still hesitant where it rests lightly on my waist.

"Thanks for not making a big deal out of this," Caulder says.

"There shouldn't be a big deal when someone comes out," I tell him. "There shouldn't be a need to come out at all. It shouldn't matter."

He nods, a sad smile on his lips. "That's not the world we live in."

"I would say that we're closer to that world now than we were."

"You think so? I think the world keeps getting uglier and we're moving backwards."

"Oh, definitely. But those old white guys will die and this younger generation, the one after us, they're already not quiet about who they are. The world will change, and these old white guys are going to roll over in their graves."

He laughs. "Good. I hope I'm here to see it."

"Me too. For now, let's make out some more, maybe rub against each other a little bit, until we fall asleep. There's no better way to wake up rested than after a few orgasms."

Caulder smiles, but it's still shy. Cutely shy. But his kissing is far more eager this time. There's still nervousness in it, but he's no longer quite so hesitant. He doesn't feel like he's fighting himself this time. It makes a world of difference in his kisses. He was tasty as I coaxed him into what he clearly wanted but was afraid to take before, but now that he's fully on board, I can just eat up his eagerness.

Especially when I feel his dick hardening against my thigh. I drop my hand to his ass and hike him closer. The dirty sound he makes in my mouth has me shivering. This man is sexy. So. Damn. Hot.

I'm not sure what gay god was looking down on me this weekend to have gifted me Caulder Haines as a bed partner, but I'm going to worship both the gay god and Caulder while I have him. Fuck yes, please!