Chapter 32

Penn

Who am I?

I'm getting ready for people to come over. Friend-type people. While my boyfriend cooks dinner with my scratch marks down his back and my ass is still sort of sensitive after fucking this morning.

I'm fully dressed, and Madden is naked, exactly like he plans to be all dinner. I've already given Lana the heads-up to be ready for it, so hopefully, we won't have any more shrieking about unsolicited dicks. Rush and his partner will be here too, and I'm equal parts nervous and shitting myself about all the company.

"I don't think you've taken a breath in about five minutes."

I let out a long exhale of all the nerves pent up inside me. "I haven't done this before."

"You should have."

"Maybe." I'm not so sure I would have been brave enough to face a whole bunch of people without Madden. "But it's happening now, and we're going to have friends, and it's going to be great."

"It will."

"Good practice for all the times your Bertha brothers will come and visit us."

Madden straightens at the oven. "Us?"

"I'm not na?ve enough to think that they won't be here all the time."

"Here?"

There's something going on with his tone that makes my lips twitch. "Are you going to repeat everything I say?"

Madden turns to face me, smile looking uncomfortable on his normally smiley face. "My roommates … will come here … to visit?"

I'm not sure why he's so surprised by that. "I mean, we can go there and see them as well. I don't care either way."

Something clicks in his expression. "Do you think I'm moving in?"

It's like the ground has shifted. "Ah … isn't that what we talked about?"

"When?"

"When you said you wanted to move in but you were worried about spending more time with me because of your feelings. But I know and you know and …" My words trail off as a very unsettling thought drifts over me. "You don't want to."

"I …" He tugs his blond hair. "It's new and …"

"It's not new at all."

"We've only just started seeing each other."

"We're boyfriends. This has been coming on for a while."

Madden's gorgeous eyes have gone all wide. "I love you."

That doesn't help clear things up at all. "Then … I don't understand. "

He steps closer, and I let him take my hands. "I want to."

"Okay …"

"But I don't think I'm ready."

"Oh."

Those familiar feelings of being replaced, of not being good enough, try to take over me. Madden's putting them first. He cares about them more than me.

Before I can start to spiral, I take a long, deep breath. "Okay."

He blinks at me in surprise. "Really? You're not upset?"

"Well, I am, but that's not a reason for why you should move in. Can I ask why?"

"I'm scared," he croaks.

"You're what?"

"Everything is so good with you, and I'm scared about changing too much. I'm worried about forcing this on you too fast, and I love that I've found a family with those guys. You're my everything, and they're my everything else. At least for right now, I need both of those things in my life."

Hearing that this is for Madden, that it's what he needs, somehow makes it so much easier. "You need me?"

"Always."

"Suddenly, I'm not so upset anymore."

"Really?"

I swallow back empty words and go with the truth. "I think my default will always be to worry that I'm going to lose you. But if you're doing this for us so that doesn't happen, it makes it easier to wrap my head around."

He lets out a long breath of relief before kissing me. "Thank fuck."

There's a knock at the door before we can take the kiss further than sweet.

"I'll grab it. "

Rush and his boyfriend, Hunter, are here first, and just as I'm about to close the door, Lana's voice stops me.

"We're coming, Penny!"

We?

I pull the door back open to find her and Lisa approaching.

"Oh. Hi."

"Hey, I brought a friend." Lana glances Lisa's way, and she might as well have heart eyes. Lisa blushes, but I don't say anything to either of them. Whatever the hell this is isn't my business. As far as I know, Lisa is super conservative and straight, but … I don't even know where I got that impression.

"… here on time," Madden's saying as we get back.

"If I'd let Rush keep his phone, we wouldn't have been," Hunter says. "He couldn't find his brown shoes, which somehow led him to googling Spiderwick Chronicles and then a recipe for honey Jell-O with sour worms. I let him get so far as pulling utensils out before I intervened."

"At least I was dressed," Rush says with all the conviction of someone who doesn't worry about a whole lot.

"Eh." Madden waves a hand over himself. "That part was optional."

A small eep sounds behind me. Lisa's hair is down and curly for the first time I've ever seen it, and her vivid blue eyes are trained on the ceiling.

"You okay?" I ask.

Lana wraps her grandma sweater further around her as she tries not to laugh. "She's scared of snakes."

"Snakes?" Rush asks.

"Trouser snakes."

"Ohhh." Rush turns and very obviously looks at Madden's dick. "It doesn't look like much of a snake to me. I mean, maybe if you drew eyes on it … and scales …"

"No one's drawing on my dick. "

"I'm sure Penn wouldn't mind," Lana adds. "I have some art supplies in my apartment."

"We'll pass," I say before anyone starts having any more ideas. I turn to Lisa and lower my voice. My first instinct is to put her at ease, but I stamp that down. This is Madden's safe space, and I'd hate for him to feel any less than that here. "I'm actually really glad you're here, but if this is uncomfortable for you, no one will be offended if you need to leave."

Determination crosses her face. "No. I can handle it."

Lana snorts. "You've never handled one in your life."

Lisa goes redder, and again, I pretend not to notice.

"I have once," Lana continues. "And you men are weird. Why would you want a dick over a pussy and tits? I don't get it."

"Having experienced both, I can safely say it's not so much about his dick and everything to do with Madden."

"Aww …" Lisa sighs before turning to my boyfriend. "I'm sorry. For what it's worth, you have a very, uh, nice, umm—" She cuts off like she's just realized something, and her whole face flushes red. "Member," she squeaks.

"Member?" I know what she means, but that's a first.

"I'm so sorry. I'm not looking—I'm trying to ease the tension, and then that came out of my mouth."

"Did you know," Rush starts, "‘member' came from Latin? Short for membrum virile, which is what the dick used to be called."

Huh. That's interesting?

"Where did pussy come from, then?" Lana asks, looking suddenly interested in the conversation.

"That doesn't go back as far. It was originally slang for women in general but transitioned into the modern usage."

"You mean to tell me people were going around saying, ‘See that pussy over there? She's a nice pussy,' in everyday conversation? Interesting. "

Before we can spend the night looking up the origin of words, I usher everyone over to the table and then help Madden set the food out. He's done an amazing job, and while quinoa and spinach aren't the types of foods I gravitate toward, I like that Madden pushes me out of my comfort zone of pasta or roasted vegetables.

And my man can cook. Every single thing here is delicious.

Dinner passes in a haze of food, laughing so hard my face hurts, random facts from Rush and doting looks from Hunter, and the very, very subtle flirting and blushing coming from Lana and Lisa. I'll get the story out of Lana when she's alone, but I really hope that whatever is going on there works out because I can see me spending more time with the two of them.

And as dinner goes on, no one mentions Madden's nudity. There are no dick jokes, no awkward glances, no whispering behind hands.

This is what Madden meant when he said he needed the freedom to be himself without judgment. I'm giving him that. We all are. It will never not feel great to give Madden what he needs.

And hopefully, I'll get to do that from now on. Forever.